The Release

The quick background.
Brandt Michaels and i dated from the summer of 1998 (I was like 19 and he’s a year and a half younger than I am)to about mid 2000.  the “breakup” lasted for WAY too long.  He accused me of stupid things, wrong things and dumb things.  And when I was just fed up I walked away from him and didn’t care what he thought or what he said.  A few times since then we’ve had to work together in shows and it’s always horrible.  And a few times i’ve run into him and he’s again, just mean – and quite frankly dumb.

In my attempt at releasing the anger and resentment I’ve held in because of him (during my “rejuvenation of faith…..{member that??}  ),  I contacted Brandt to attempt resolving any issues we may still have.  So there would be peace between us and we could learn to be cordial to eachother. This is what happened in a series of emails.


Hi, it’s been a very long while since we’ve spoken. I have a request to ask of you, and I’m not sure how you’re going to respond. In the middle of my rejuvenation of faith, if you will, I just feel like i have held all this anger or anxiety or resentment in because of you or for you or whatever. And I’d just like to meet, have coffee or whatever, and talk. Not bring up the past and all of that – that was a lifetime ago. Not fight or argue, but …..I need to let go of things in my life that are negative that I’ve held on to. I kind of think that if we talk, then maybe we could find a way to be cordial to eachother. I don’t want to harness anymore of this tension or anger or upset feelings I have for you every time I see you. I’d like to let them go, but I really feel like we’d have to talk before I can.

Its just a request. Say yes, no – or don’t reply and I’ll know what your answer is.


in order to get things right with others you must be truthful with your self. I think you know how bad you hurt a eighteen year old kid. you were all I had in the world and that was shattered. if you can tell your self that what all you did was ok then no I will never be your guest for tea ( I don’t drink coffee you know that) but if you can see what you did maybe. I know it was a lot to do with me and my youth and its not all on you but I was a kid. and I feel I was taken advantage of in a lot of ways.

after reading this, if you would still like to go for tea respond.

Allright. (medium sigh) It seems perhaps maybe we both are holding in these old issues. I honestly can tell you I don’t know or maybe don’t remember how things affected you, I only know how they affected me. But I am willing to listen. It looks like maybe discussing the past is what we will have to do to move forward. I’m not accustomed to hearing what a terrible person I am – but in all honesty if Ryan were around I’d want him to know how he screwed me up too. So – I really do want to sit with you. I really do want to hear your side and I really want you to hear my side. I know this is 7 years in the making but if good things come of it, even if it means hearing eachother out – I think its worth it.

Perhaps we can both keep in mind we we’re younger than – i’m what a year and a half older than you and I truly believe that the relationship I was in before I met you then, shattered me – if you will. But I want to listen to you, and I need you to listen to me. I think we’ll both be better off.

Hot tea, or iced tea?

ok iced tea. but remember last time we tried this it blew up. if you can leave princess at home and only bring aiyani. my ego will be large enough.
let me know date & time ill try to work it in.

What do you think of the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf? I’ve been only once – so i can’t say what’s great or not. But it’s the one off of five cites crive or 4th street in AG. Unless SLO is better. How bout monday 6/6 at 11am. or…wednesday 6/8 after 11am. those are the times for me next week. If you believe you have a better idea, please suggest it.

And I think we both should leave our so called ego’s at home. And really try to approach this as adult as possible. Again, I’m willing to hear and listen to your side if you are willing to listen to mine. I think its only fair.

look what do I have to gain from this? not a thing I can go on being me without you feeling ok about what ever .I think this is to get things ok in your head, if you would like to get things straight type it out I think I tried this coffee thing once.
I am sorry but I don’t trust you as a person. I eat with friends and family. you are neither. or call me but, I don’t think I need to see you. let me try to work up to that.

P.S this my sound hostile that is not my intent. I just got a bad vibe on your last correspondence.

(nods)ok. And your vibe is right on ………….I’m not sure why I wanted to meet you anyways either. It was tugging at my heart to contact you to settle some things. I understand what you’re saying. I guess I wouldn’t be want to be around people I have those feelings for either. And no, I don’t know what you have to gain from seeing me and talking. I just thought maybe if we put out there what our problems with eachother was then we’d have more of an understanding. That not being the case I’d like to put out there what *my* issues are. And what i’m aiming for is understanding. Not even agreeing – because I think we both know the past was hellacious but I can only tell you things from my point of view. I can only tell you my feelings and please don’t put them down even if you don’t agree with them. My feelings for me will always be valid, just as yours are to you.

All of this was stirred up when I was reading a book called “the purpose driven life” and attending bible studies at my mom’s house. One chapter held my attention because it said I needed to let go of my anger and resentment. Because holding it in would not change anything, for me or the people I was upset with. I sat back and thought first I didn’t have any resentment, when I actaully do. And I thought I didn’t have anyone I was angry at , and I do. And this is what I know and came up with.

I really really really was angry with Ryan. I loved him with every part of me and one day he just kissed me on my forehead, told me he loved me, he’d see me later and went to go fishing – and I never saw him again. I was shattered, broken and lost. After he left I wanted to be with someone I could take care of and would love ME as much as I loved him. I thought you were so wonderful and fun and talented. I wanted to buy you everything you wanted and BE everything you wanted. And I don’t even remember our fights but I remember you accusing me of cheating on you. I 100% did not. I know it hurt me that you thought that, and I knew that there was nothing I could say to change your mind, so I stopped trying to change your mind. I remember you questioning my relationships with other guys and all I could say was they were my friends and I never understood your jealousy. I had looked forward to seeing YOU after rehearsal and talking to YOU at night, not them. All my life boys were more my friends than girls. but they never actually LIKED me, we all just hung out. Ryan was my first everything and he absolutely destroyed me. And I didn’t understand til much later that perhaps *I* was your Ryan. I was much more angry that you were accusatory, much more angry that you didnt’ trust me and I resented you for not letting go when I thought it was time to let go. Even up til those last moments when you would come over to me during Cabaret and tell me how much you loved me, but hated me then you’d go make out with Marni. It was just dumb and wierd to me and I refused to see your side, because all I knew was MY side. That’s all I still know.

But what has changed for me is the ability to let things go, and let things just….Be. We don’t have to be friends, I know that’s not what you want. But if we can find a way to be cordial to eachother whenever we are around eachother I think that’s the best thing to keep everything in a forward motion. Going on and on about how much you hate me because of whatever all those years ago, or how much I hate you because of what you said or did – doesn’t matter to anyone. And I don’t think it’s fair.

I’ve saved a message on my cel phone for 2 years now that you left for me. I saved it because it was mean and somehow became a drive to prove you wrong. And what I also realize is that it doesn’t matter what I think of you, or what you think of me. Neither one of us would be who we are if the summer of 1998 through 2000 didnt’ happen. And you may think we would’ve been better off having never met or been together but neither one of us will ever know. It happened, and it ended. I know I should’ve left Ryan before he left me, but I was blind. I know I shouldn’t have dated someone else so soon, but I wanted to. It all happened for a reason, it all happened in the past. And it’s all stuff we….*I* need to let go of.

I have my drives and dreams and goals and all of my life and relationship experiences make me who I am. And quite frankly I know God loves me still, and right now….that’s the most important thing to me. Its making sure I’m doing what He wants me to do. And I honestly and truly believe he wanted me to contact you to settle it for me, not you. I just wasn’t sure how to do it.

I didnt’ want this to upset you, and I hope it didnt. My hope was only that you would hear my side, and know that you’re not the only one who got screwed by someone. You’re not the only who’s suffered, and who’s held resentment and anger. I’m human too, and I make mistakes too. *I* am a work in progress and I’m ok with that.

Thank you for reading this, be well.


The thing is I don’t hate anyone it takes to much energy to hate. the problem is I don’t care. you life is yours and mine is mine why do we even have to coexists. yes it killed me when I bagged you not to go see derik and to try to work things out. but that was then. I cared for awhile and then realized im better than that
yes I said I loved you but looking back you were a parent a bad one yes but that’s the role you played in my life no we don’t have to be friends. that’s good because I don’t think you could handle being my friend it takes time and trust. you still think a lot about your self not others. god looks for self sacrifice not self gratification.

be good to others and your self you will go far.
by the way check out my new tv show at
this big fish made it small pond and all.

Brandt, it’s obvious that your views on how our relationship ended is different than mine. If you’re going to bring in Derek I feel I should bring in that you slapping me over and over and over, drove me right out the door. But I thought we were past that. I thought we were more mature than that. Perhaps not. As far as my beliefs in Jesus and in God are – I have strong legs and my feet are firmly set in my belief that He has been with me through fantastic times and awful times. I have been praised and I have been humbled. You have no idea what I’ve sacrificed, you don’t know me like you think you do and I don’t think it’s a shame because I dont’ really care what you think of me either. I think you are the most conceited person I’ve ever met and you think you are Gods gift to everyone. Well you are not God’s gift to me. . God will use me for great things and it doesn’t matter if you think I’m worth it or not, it only matters that He does. And of COURSE I am going to think of myself before others because if I don’t have MY life right, how can I think of or help ANYONE else. You twist my words around, and you think you’re perfect – you are wrong. You’re wrong about so many things and its not my job to fix it, it’s not my place to talk about it. My prayer for you is for you to be humbled because it’s not about being a big fish or a small fish. God made me exActly how I am for a reason, and I await Him to tell me what I’m doing right and wrong, not you.

………..  So there’s that.

About Aiy_M

5'9" barefoot

Posted on June 9, 2005, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 21 Comments.

  1. finally a forum for this..
    this may not make a difference to you at all but.. I HATE HATE HATE Brandon. I have from the moment I met him.
    On an almost separate note, this closure you need (i understand it, i’ve had the need before as well.) will only come from yourself. You don’t need anyones approval to let go of your feelings about/for them. Plus, he’s an ass and will always just make you feel worse. He may not have the energy to “hate” but he’s got passive aggressive down solid. Don’t play into it.
    The blank in the middle… it’s maniacly egotistical right? I’ve always wondered if that was his middle name.
    And here’s the clue… in the middle of all this very important “closureiffic” discussion… he plugs his tv show??? “I’m sorry I may never forgive you but please go up my ratings so I’ll get rehired” !?!!? Yeah… that’s a person who is capable of truly caring for another person.
    Aiyani… I know so many people tell you this… and for whatever reason you refuse to believe them, but you are an amazing person. You don’t need anyones approval to be that person. You are perfect just the way you are and forget anyone who tried to bring you down, that’s *their* problem, not yours. I don’t know if it will have any weight coming from me, but it’s always worth a shot. You can move on and grow without digging through your past and scratching up old scars, in fact, it’s a lot better that way.
    *steps off soapbax*

    • Re: finally a forum for this..
      Incidentally, i thought your last response was perfect.

      • Re: finally a forum for this..
        Aye. Bringing up past emotions is never useful. Past facts maybe, but live in the now. Ironically, I don’t think you last response was perfect. You can forgive him without him even knowing or caring about it. Its not for him, its for you. Roleplaying or imagining has been a big help for me when I need to do this. Communicating with him (apparently) will hinder you. He sounds like he’s lying about indifference; why would he even respond if he was indifferent?

      • Re: finally a forum for this..
        ok. yeah, that’s very very true.

      • Re: finally a forum for this..
        “You can forgive him without him even knowing or caring about it. Its not for him, its for you.”
        hey wait!! that’s what i said in my first response.. lol 🙂

      • Re: finally a forum for this..
        My evaluation of the last response was that it did more harm than good. In my estimation, it didn’t aid in princessaiy’s forgiving of him. I could be completely wrong; it’s hard to tell with just ones and zeroes blipped out on a CRT.

      • Re: finally a forum for this..
        That i totally agree with.. i was just inarticulately trying to say that she didn’t need him for closure within herself. You have a better way with words 🙂
        I just still don’t like brandon and anyone telling him he’s an ass makes me happy. I’m a bad bad person. But it feels so good 🙂

      • Re: finally a forum for this..
        🙂 There may be a time to let it go; but if it works for you, I say go for it! Shall I punch him in the nuts next time I see him? 😉

      • Re: finally a forum for this..
        hehe.. nah, that’s ok, i’d rather do it myself to see the pain. 🙂

      • Re: finally a forum for this..

    • Re: finally a forum for this..

  2. Can *I* fill in the blank?! *angry glare* New to this situation, but based upon your emails…hold on, I’m letting loose a scream of fury…AARRRRGGGGHHH…okay, onward…based upon your emails, I felt you were very mature. And what the #*$#(* (can’t swear at work) does he mean, you were a parent to him or that you were much older. HELLO!!! You’re not Demi to his Ashton. A year and a freakin’ half older. Good LORD. You were NINETEEN!!! Okay. *deep breath* I’m sure you don’t need someone to get indignatly angry with an apprently idiotic, immature, egotistical, self centered…I was going to say man, but that is definately not a factor here.
    I understand what you’re doing. You’d think he’d be a bit more adult about the whole thing. It happened years ago. Screw him. Not litterally. But seriously. You tried. Find peace with that. Mine may not be the most popular opinion or even the most psychologically advanced opinion, but what do you expect from a hicquity? 😀
    I’m proud of you for being the bigger person and taking the high road. *hug*

  3. I KNOW how much of a step that was for you, Yani. As someone who watched the whole thing unfold all those years ago, you have consistently taken the high road, and I am SOOOOO proud of you. I was there when he f**ked with your head through Cabaret and all that came before and after and you ALWAYS conducted yourself with professionalism and GRACE. I love you. You tried, that’s all ya can do kiddo. Can’t have an adult conversation with someone with the maturity of a cranky 8-year old.

  4. Have you deleted the cell phone message?

    • i sure as heck hope you have! i remember the night he left it and told you to delete it THEN because it was toxicating your phone and and you!
      so…did you?

  5. and now for MY message….
    ***HUGE SIGH***following a hearty laugh at brandon (i know the blank) farmer’s expense.
    “god looks for self sacrifice not self gratification.”
    and then he plugs a tv show!?! i DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIED!!!!
    say no more. actually, we will say so much more. i look forward to dissecting this with you NEXT week when i SEE YOU! and continue on when we LIVE TOGETHER AGAIN!
    and can i just say…big fish in a small pond? puh-leeeeeze. he is also one of my inspirations for leaving slo for even the short time i did so that i WOULD NEVER utter those words about myself. if i’m so great… let me be a small fish in a big pond and see what real life is like. he’s dillusional and conceited and oh so many other words that i just don’t have the energy for.
    BUT….YOU, on the other hand… couldn’t be more proud of you for taking the steps to cleanse this dirty, ugly, messy part of your life. it’s so true that the anger benefits no one. not you, not him. and it truly is inconsequential what he does with you/your feelings. this is about you/within you/for you and you have gone well out of your way to be mature. so now it’s time to let it go.
    take your own advice (and mine) and just…BE with it. actually BE without it! you’ve addressed it. now send it out to god to dissipate it and move on.
    breathe and be confident that you are making amazing choices for yourself.
    words of encouragement for you 🙂

  6. oooh! ooooh! ooooh! 1 more thing!
    a perfect quote for you from a book i read last year. wrote it down in my journal because it reminded me of similar emotions. being angry at mark/mary for the horrible way they betrayed me…yadda yadda yadda….
    it’s absolutely perfect and will hopefully further you on your journey towards setting yourself free.
    ” we are chained to that which we do not forgive…imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. you must release the burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.”
    ~ “the locket” richard paul evans
    set sail, mahroomah.

    Big fish in a small pond? WTF? the bitch is still based in Central California! who the hell is gonna a produce a tv show worth shit living in Shell Beach?. Breakout!, i want that queers address, im ready to commit ACTS OF VIOLENCE!! (nice tie-in with my subject line huh). Seriously pretty, he’s totally gay, and a still a child. Only children find ways to argue against settling old problems, and making closure.
    Note to Central California residents:
    This message or the content therein was in no way meant to imply that someone living in CC is less that fabulous, this was merely a way to cut down someone elses lame-ass personality (BFF).
    I LOVE U ALL, and YES, i am naked right now.

      my response apparently didn’t post to this but it pretty much just said how hard I was laughing and when i got home tonight I REALLY needed a laugh so I logged on to Peach solely to read this response of yours, and it sure did do the trick.
      when do we talk??? next week please – thanks.

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