Most seats are for 2

Last night instead of going to bed ontime the Smurf and I went to see BATMAN BEGINS, my first two words were “Hell Yah.”  I’d love to write my review, I’d love to tell you what I thought.  Two things hold me back.  I have to STGA at 7am  and its 10pm now, and I have a certain someone on my mind.. . . And no, his name is not Riley Jones (Stephen Riley Holbrook).  I’d love to tell you the story, but I’m not sure I know it myself.  I know I can tell you the beginning, and I can tell you the beginning of the middle, but I have no idea how it ends – and I can’t say I’d be all that thrilled if it did end. 

So instead, I’ll say today I went to the gym.  Good for me.  I also called Bear, crying a little to say I couldn’t meet up with him for a while.  Once Kaza and David get here, we’re moving in together and I’ll need to fork over rent and bill money.  I guess it’s all for the best.  He told me to keep calling him to tell him what I’m doing, and tell him what I’m eating and he’ll keep motivating me as much as he can.  I said the best I can do is call him again (as my trainer vs. my friend. . . )once I start at PCPA in August.  Then I’ll know what kind of money situation I’ll be in. 

Quite frankly, I don’t know if I’m going to go to PCPA.  I go back and forth about it.  ALOT.  I wish the “right” choice would make it self known and not keep me guessing.  I’m not good at guessing games, unless it’s movie trivia or “what did kaza say?”

For a while there I felt very focused and content, lately I feel unbalanced and even anxious.  I used to get ugly anxiety attacks (kaza was a saving grace during those times, so was my mommie)  Lately I feel something else tugging at my heart and I’m not sure what it is.  I’m not sad, I’m not upset – anymore.  It’s something else.  Like …….something’s missing.  (good John Mayer song btw.)

I think I know what it is, but it’s dumb – at least *I* think it is.  I know my friends love me and know my friends spouses and significant others are great. But I think my feeling lately is, I’m the last one.  I know that’s not necessarily a true statement.  But of my close friends, those I speak with almost daily – ish……….It’s difficult sometimes being the extra wheel, but at the same time sometimes it’s a great freedom.

so I guess I feel Stuck.  Not necessarily at a fork in the road, and in no way do I have to make any big decisions right now, but (small sigh)………that’s it.

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About Aiy_M

5'9" barefoot

Posted on June 20, 2005, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.

  1. Ummmm Okay,
    You and I will be third wheels together.
    And we will talk of other things more grand-scheme-ish when I see you.
    And remember: Artists are supposed to thrive on angst and struggling and being poor and never knowing what comes next…..
    ….yeah, I know, guess I never really believed that bull s**t either. But it has made great fodder for amazing songs, no?
    Call me.

  2. Oh, and you HAVE to check out my new post. You’re gonna freak!

  3. It’s difficult sometimes being the extra wheel, but at the same time sometimes it’s a great freedom.
    It’s superficially nonsensical, but in my marriage I have more freedom than I did when I was single. I’ve noticed this paradox mirrors my art as well. My haiku provide more freedom than non 5-7-5 poems. You can reach further and stronger with a solid support.
    I’m not suggesting commited relationships and haiku are for everyone, only that “structure provides freedom” is something to ponder.

  4. 2 Cents
    Okay, let me put in my 2 cents about the PCPA thing, and I will leave you alone. I will NEVER have a snowball’s chance in hell of ever going to PCPA, due to a small thing I like to call Lack of Talent and Ambition. Take the opportunity while you can, even if it may mean pulling money out of your ass. You do not want to look back a few years from now, wishing you had gone. I look back at what a wonderful Fine Arts department University of Hawaii had, and I will forever be kicking myself in the ass for not taking my life in that direction, the Direction which I didn’t know I wanted to go in until it was waaaaaay too late. Regretting stuff sucks. Love you very much.

  5. Well
    Here’s my UNASKED for opinion….
    I can’t go and get a job making video games cause i like to draw and i like computer games, I need to have studied first. I needed to learn the in’s and out’s of programming, visual theory, and all kinds of other stuff. You can’t win an oscar without studying acting. EVERY ACTOR IN HOLLYWOOD THAT IS ACTUALLY WORKING takes workshops, and even has done theatre, or studied theatre, and acting, at a technical school/University. Look at this as the best investment in YOUR OWN TALENT that you will ever make. You are building your craft from the ground up..”grass roots” style if you will. Yes there are actors that haven’t participated in one of the above activities to win critical acclaim, but they are few and far between. We also talked about how you can still do whatever you want while you’re studying at PCPA, go out for auditions anyway, tell them to fuck off…what if you get a part on a sitcom, or a small part in a movie…the paycheck for that alone will pay for more acting lessons and private sessions anyway, so just go to school, and play on the side. This advice is admitedly coming from a shady person, so take it at your own risk. Yes I have the longes reply on here, so there!! Call me, I’ll be home all weekend if you want to discuss this some more…(which means that basically i’ll re-hash everything i just said, but i’ll be more angry when i do it, for emphasis of course..
    ” I GAVE YOU SUSHI, I NEED FUCK”

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