Crying. 

I woke up this morning at around 11:45am at Adriane’s house.  Then we went and had food at Louisa’s in downtown SLOville, then home to make THE rice for Rich’s BBQ. 

And now I’m home crying, only a few of you will ever understand the reason why I’m crying.  And no, I’m not going to tell you.  Just know that I am, know that sometimes it IS hard for “someone like me” and know that I am not always the life and sound of the party.  The center of attention is not necessarily my ENTIRE aim in life, I do have a heart – it can hurt. . .  and today, it does.

Today I feel that I lack a certain kind of direction.  Yes I’m going to attempt PCPA, I mean after all. . . I MADE it in, and my tuition is paid for, and after that I DO plan on moving away from this town.  What I lack is the very drive to get out there and pursue who I am know I am.  So many times (and bummer if this sounds conceded to you) people say “you belong on Broadway” and I feel thankful but at the same time a part of me says “yah, but God doesn’t think so yet, that’s why I’m still here.”……here waiting. 

Waiting for that something that gets me up in the morning.  Waiting to find that voice that echoes throughout me everyday saying keep going or you’re almost there, waiting for that feeling of . . . “i’ve made it”  I am exActly where and who I want to be. 

Who am I now? 

Someone 5’9″ and probably weighs more than you do.  (shut up, I’ll say what *I* want)  Someone who is going to the gym to become stronger and healthier.  Someone alone and moving into a house with people who are engaged.  Someone who misses the butterflies in my stomach and someone who feels the heartache when they are there and then they leave.  Someone who wants to be reached out to but doesn’t know by who.  Someone who likes mint n chip ice cream and knows a good pair of shoes really CAN brighten my day, and if that makes me shallow to you I’m that someone who doesn’t give a rats ass what you think of me.  Someone who doesn’t want their ass grabbed by anyone who thinks it’s ok – its MY ass, NOT YOURS to touch.  Someone who believes respect is earned not handed out like a flyer on a New York corner.  Someone who desires more than this town can give her, but apparently someone who will take it because right now, that’s all I can get. 

I am someone who has a talent agent and a manager.  I’m also that person who says “no, don’t submit me” because too many times I was told I am that someone who “doesn’t have a market yet. . . “‘…

I am someone who has been told be directors and producers that I am too pretty to be a character actor and to big to be a leading lady, and if I WANT this I have to chose a market and make myself marketable – which then makes me the person who needs to have drive to change who and what they are.

I’m that someone that makes you laugh at random but mostly your laughing because I just made a fool of myself, not because anything I said is actually funny or clever. 

I am smart – but you wouldn’t know that because it is not required of me to “act” as such in your presense, I am the so called comic relief the loud obnoxious one that makes everyone dance when Kevin is singing a good song.

I’m the person that typically doesn’t care and the moment I do everyone thinks something is wrong and they try to comfort me – sometimes time away is better.  I’m not the person who will push you away unless I absolutely have to.  Unless I have to peel you off of me because you’re sucking up all my air and my time and taking away ME because you are interested in WE. 

I am strong, but I believe I have my own kryptonite, I also believe very few of you know what it is, and I know I’m not going to offer up that information just for a dramatic reach in a longwinded shpill about who I am or what I am. 

I think too many times I AM taken for granted, and I know that most of the times its because I allowed it to happen.  I’m hoping for change.  I’m hoping for a rope to pull me ou, a voice to call out to me, or a set of butterflies to find their way to my core because quite frankly – the emptiness is getting old and what we all may know about me is. . .  allthough I’m easily entertained – I’m just as easliy completely bored and turned off.

This is a song I wrote a couple years ago, someday I shall play it and sing if for all of you:

Forlorn
I’ve seen a land, that’s dark; condemned
Here I’ve been stripped of who I am and naked’s how I stand,
I’m not alone, but lonlieness seems to visit.
Often I think of him, sometimes I feel more optomistic.
But he is not around to comfort me, so I curl up next to all of the pillows in my room.

Salty water is not a stranger to these cheeks.
Everything is not what it seems.
Dreams come,and then, then leave.
But one thing I know for sure. . .
No one is knocking on my door.

Come find me
Come find me
Come find me and take me home.