I’ve been looking forward to sleeping in since last July.  Sometimes I get a few extra hours in, but really – I just don’t have time to sleep like I used to.  Like I did when I was was jobless and living at my dadda’s house feeling sorry for myself. 

Everyone has that crazy 4th of July story, everyone has the boring story and the drinking stories.  This is not that story.  This is my fourth of July story for 2006:

I had woken up at 5:55am to the sound of my phone alarming me to awake and wash my face, brush my teeth and get to the green apron in AG by 7am.  My shift lasted until about 3pm.  During the course of the day I dropped over 40 cups on the floor, remade 26 drinks, made 15 pitchers of frappucino base and successfully got syrup all over my arms, and my face, topping it off with a frappucino bursting in my face after i took the lid off to pour it.  Is this story true? well maybe I exagerated but sometimes days at work feel like that, you know?  I was so tired and just wanted to go to sleep.  every 12 minutes was another 2 hours in aiyani’s world and I left having wored over a 14 hour days in the coffee-biz. 

I went to my mommie’s house and rinsed in her shower and put “real” clothes on and checked my email(s).  I’ve been without internet service for 4 days  and needed to check on some important things. . . Hotel rooms for sisters wedding, John Mayer Tour tickets and of course – myspace. (rolls eyes)  After an hour and a half I decided to be social have some chips and salsa, veggies and dip and just, hang out and enjoy life with my family.  Rik is 13 and now taller than me, with braces – and good in every sport; of course.  the Smurf was at work, but I went to get him at 5pm for dinner.  (He’s in the Shakespeare in the park this year, in both Macbeth and the Three Musketeers.  Sister and her fiance M.A. double T came by aswell and sister made a fantastic salad and we watched funny Jimmy Falon clips on the computer.  I left around 6:30pm I guess after hugging all and kissing all I headed over to the annual BBQ gathering. . .

I parked in the same spot I always do and walked in the front door without knocking and through the side door and took in a familiar smell.  And it wasn’t the smell of meat on a fire pit, or rice, or veggies.  It was the smell of 7&7’s and smoke.  the same people gathered around playing games, having old conversations.  I walked in and gave Brad a hug and Dave and Glenn, then German (Herman) intro’d me to his new girlfriend Erika and I said hi to Tracy and Captain Carl and Sherry then it was over to the host.  Rich. 

He was so glad to see me, he of course had probably been drinking since…. well 1979 or so if not earlier but he was genuine in saying “you’re here, you came!”  He fixed me a 7&7 told me Vicki and Kevin didn’t go, Brighteyes was in San Jose or something and of couse I know Nahnnah is on bedrest til the caper gets here.  It was just, different.  it was the same and different.  He told me where the food was and I helped myself to a plate said hello to a couple more people than just ate my food.  I called Caitlin to say hi and tell her I was in town if she was around maybe we could get together somewhere for a bit, she never called me back.  And I called Cleveland arount 7:45/8 to say hi, check in and tell him I’d call him again later.  I started talking to a guy named Sean (not Brad’s son).  I’d met him several times at the old bar (Sunset Dunes) and he’s always at the gatherings so we just talked about me going to school and his girlfriend and old times at the bar.  it was the same and different.  Jason Lee was even there, it seems he’s always kicked out of everyone’s life then he just squirms right back in.  He had given me a hug earlier too and I left it at that.

insert – Jason Lee
This is a guy who thinks he knows me.  A guy who thinks he’s seen me sing enough and drink enough to know me.  thinks he knows what makes me tick, what makes me happy, sad and angry.  At one point in my life he told me how much he loved me and he wished he was in a better place because he wanted me to be his wife.  It was that same point in time people thought we were dating….seriously dating.  I’d gone to Rincon with him and the WHOLE gang from the bar for their annual weekend celebration of nothing.  And that whole weekend I spent talking to Brad and Rich and drinking 7&7’s.  For those of you that remember, that was the weekend I tried canooing with Brad in the middle of the night drunk, in a tanktop and a pair of jean shorts.  it wasn’t til after I was slightly trapped underneath the canoe I realized it was a bad idea – yah, THAT drunk.  Anyways, he’s never been that person for me. EVER . He never considered me his girlfriend, i never called him my boyfriend and I knew he was never right for me.  He kept horrible hours and smoked too much.  he was a drama queen – still is.  This is a guy who flaunted his girlfriend infront of me to try to make me jealous when i would come up and visit from la la land.  She was nice, we always got along; Jess and I, but he was always trying to remind me of how he felt. . . THEN.  how he used to feel, how he could feel that way again but I live too far away – as if I was somehow feeding him the idea he EVER had a chance.  He’s the one we all roll our eyes at , at the bar.  The one who causes nothing but drama by starting rumors and playing people against each other.  He’s never grown up, he’s never moved on, he probably never will ——end insert.

He gave me a hug and I left it at that.  Later when i was talking to Sean he came by and took a wiff of my drink and I told him he could go fix me another one if he’d like  because that one got all watered down.  He started to walk over to get me one then something was said – and I don’t know if it was me or sean but it pretty much was about how he’s always checkin’ up on me, finding ways to be in my space, so he brought the drink back and i could get my own drink and sean and I just laughed.  he had just proved our point and sean went to fix me a drink.  while he was gone jason lee came back and I said “is there a reason you’re always so rude around me, cause if its something i’ve said – i had to have said it over a year ago and you just need to learn to let go – and grow up a little bit. ” 

his reply was “remember what you said to me the last time we spoke”

“no….last year?….i don’t remember ANY of our conversations”

and he said “you just think about what you said to me, you try to figure it out and then we’ll talk” and he walked away from me as Sean was walking up.

Sean just looked back and I just said something about boys never growning up and we continued our conversation and I didni’t think about what Jason Lee said.  I still haven’t, I still think its funny how dramatic he said that I should think about it and then we’d talk – um….if i NEVER talk to him again IN MY LIFE……….I’ll be totally fine.  He doesn’t change me for better or worse, he just takes time away from me, time I’ll never get back by listening to him yap on and on about whatever. 

Then it was 8:30pm and I decided to get going so I could get home and just go to sleep.  I called Cleveland on the way home.  Just talking to him I started to cry.  I couldn’t explain it.  I told him it was the same but different and that there was no place for me anywhere.  All my old friends had moved on, and I know I did too but its too different.  The old karaoke gang used to get together still for BBQ’s almost every week just to talk and see eachother.  Now people are having babies getting married building houses and I don’t get to see any of them.  I dont’ get to see any of my friends and the people I could call my ‘friends’ now. . . i don’t want to see.  I’m sick of seeing them.  I see them TOO much.  I told him all I could think of was wishing he was there. so i could intro him to people from my past.  that i’m so proud to be with him.  that being with him but being here alone is different.  I’ve always loved being single (when i was) I embraced my independance and played with boys and my friends and didn’t care about anything.  I’ve changed,  I care so much that the longing to have him close brought me to tears.  I knew what he was doing was important and I never NEVER want to take him away from doing what he loves………but I missed him and I just wanted him home.  I cried telling him how I felt stuck between loving to step into my past at that house with those people….even the feelings of being around strangers was familiar……….and longing to move forward with him here, with me.  he just said he knew and that it wouldn’t happen again because where ever he has to go for work I”m going with him, and visa versa.  I told him how much he meant to me, and how much it meant to me that he just let me cry because sometimes we just need to.  sometimes telling someone “it’ll be okay, stop crying” isn’t the right thing to say.  He said he was meant to be with me and he was meant to understand you – that’s just how you and i work. 

he just makes me so happy.  he knows me so well, and by that i mean how to handle me.  sure he knows about my life before him, but handling all my personality traits and emotional swings sometimes can be difficult – and he does it with pure ease. 

I love him , I miss him.

Happy 4th of July all, hope you got to see old friends and new friends, and I hope you were fortunate enough to have a moment where you realized how free you are and how freeing it can be to embrace who you are.