the trash

There comes a time in our lives where we have to make decisions.  And these decisions will either change what’s going on in the moment, and or the near future and even the distant future.  I’ve come a place of absolute bliss with my beloved, yes its been not even a year since I’ve known him but I’ve NEVER felt like this about ANYTHING EVER before (yes, my john obsession included) but what I’ve also found is that in this transition time I’ve been shown who people are, really are.  There are people who changed in one Summer at school that I all of a sudden feel more connected to and comfortable with and it makes getting up and goin to school a joy (for now.=)  )  And there are people who have changed and we don’t mix like we used to.  What’s good is that I’m okay with it.  What’s good is that I don’t drown in sorrow, I don’t feel sad.  I don’t go about with a sour attitude, I’m not mad.  I’m right where I should be.  And whether people change or I change the only thing I can do is take care of who *I* am, and know *my* truth and know what I believe to be a loss or a memory or whatever. 

There are some people who in the midst of absolute chaos seek drama because of the rush, they come across so shallow and cowardess.  But I don’t know what *their* truth is, I only know mine and my experiences, so who am I to say they were right or wrong? 

Someone threw me away recently.  And because I was too poor to go anywhere, and because of whatever misunderstandings or miscommunications I felt attacked and told them and they threw me away like an old used up T-shirt.  It was unbelievable but completely fathomable at the same time.  You know people for a while you learn how they work, how they operate how you are supposed to talk to them in order to be heard.  You also learn if you’re going to put up with it anymore – and my choice was not to and to stand up for myself.  What’s great is that I feel confident in my choices, what’s unfortunate something so small, like money or an email or a phone message can trigger someone to a drastic measure and throw you away and call it for the best.  But again, that’s my truth – not theirs.

  People set themselves up for moments like these even if they don’t know it.  They chose to do “spring cleaning” because they get over freaked out about other stuff. 

Lessons can be learned everyday you decide to get up and live life.  The lesson I learned is different than what someone else might interpret, but that’s why its mine. 

I feel fine, I feel refreshed and I feel that I’m moving forward – I had only one moment of despair and it was when a song came on my iTunes that reminded me of Christmas time a few years ago and it was that moment the sadness hit me.  And not because of what *I* did or said, but that someone could say they cared so much and in an instant turn and call it trash. 

the craziness in the world will find you, don’t go searching for it – because the moment you do it takes hold of you, spins you around and throws you against a wall.  my wish for you is this, you do what you need to do for you and just own it.  you don’t need to get confirmation from anyone else.  you don’t need to hear someone tell you you made the right decision – if you do you’re questioning your own choices and judgement and you’re not standing on your own two feet.  I wish for you to find your feet and remember what it was like to walk on your own with people beside you – not holding you up or knocking you down.  you don’t need to constantly be re wording your thoughts and excuses for the decisions you’ve already made to make yourself look like the victim in recovery, or get someone on your side.  Remember there are 3 sides to every story.  yours, theirs and what really happened. 

Keep your drama to yourself and deal with it and move on, life just gets better if you let it.

About Aiy_M

5'9" barefoot

Posted on September 12, 2006, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. Well put. Oh and it doesn’t matter how LONG you know someone, just how WELL you know them. Remember…I met Chad, moved in with him five weeks later and got engaged four weeks after that. We were married within the year.

  2. I am glad you have grown to know yourself and be so confident in who you are and what you need…and remember, Pete and I met and got engaged in the matter of months…it doesn’t matter and if you love him, fuck what others say. So what it takes THEM 5 years to commit…it doesn’t always have to be the right thing for you.
    I love you…by-the-by…Atreyu says “Hi Auntie Fishy!!!!!”

  3. in the back pack…..
    you are as I say…..in the back pack…..in otherwords I’m going to be carring you around for a long long time…..nothing in the back pack has ever been thrown away…..and I dont intend to start anytime soon

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