Nobody Reads This, chapter one
I will be done with PCPA in May of 2007, that is this year. That is THIS May. During my time here I’ve hated my classmates, learned to tolerate my classmates, learned to like (some 😉 ) of my classmates and learn more about acting and dancing, singing, moving. I’ve learned about intention and specificity and story telling. I’ve learned that sometimes I am the oldest in my class, but sometimes I am the lesser educated one.
For my life in general? With this program I’ve learned that to just “be” is not an active state and is a weak choice. It does not move you forward. There was a time in my life when the phrase “yani, just ‘be'” rang so much joy and calmness and I felt centered. But looking back with what I know now, I did stand still and that is not an active choice for me as a person or an actor. I’ve changed – I like change. Change is the only constant thing in this world. Whether we get validated for our choices and our changes, or not it happens. Whether we appreciate it or not, it happens. Whether we have regrets or not, it happens and whether we love or dislike, it happens.
Personally, away from school but during my time here I have:
1. landed at least 3 really good friends I feel I can count on if I need someone
2. Found the love of my life and have already begun spending the rest of it with him, and we are moving forward together. We;re not just “be-ing” in love we are moving forward with it
3. made up with the one person in my life whom I hated, and he hated me too.
4. “broke-up” with Kaza. She went one way, I another and that’s ridiculous drama in itself due to appear in a “memoirs” I’m sure later on in my 60’s. There is a perfect example of change for you.
5. Landed a brother-in-law (ie Shout out to Double T, my sisters husband), and a sister-in-law (ie shout out to Jen, who probably does not know this exists and is the Smurfs wife
6. Will become an aunt by september (ie the smurf and his mrs. are preggo)
7. Have lost contact with many old friends (Jax, Judy n Matt, Brighteyes – that whole crew of people etc etc)
8. Have only skarieokied with Front Row Karaoke maybe 5 times in 2 years
9. gained weight, lost weight, gained it back, lost it again (vicous circle)
10. Have heard more secrets and life experiences from more people that I continue to lock safely in the vault that is my mind as it is not MY business to tell THEIR business.
11. found out my first love was killed in a car accident about 3 years ago
Some are accomplishments and triumphs, others are losses. Losses I am saddened over, others of which I am content. These are the things people don’t read about, this is where this book begins. By seeing what has happened, acknowledging it and choosing how to move forward with it, but then again I must remember that sometimes no matter what I write, however brilliant or uneducated I also keep in mind that Nobody reads this. Sometimes it IS just for me, and sometimes it is for someone specifically and sometimes it is for a group. But if I just write with the idea that nobody reads this, it will be more honest and more of who I am because then I don’t have to worry about vernacular or being PC or thinking I can’t say something to this public or not. I say what I want because I chose to, as people will chose or chose not – to read this.
Posted on March 26, 2007, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 6 Comments.
when I first started this journal OH, 6 years ago it was very narrative for an audience and now I use it to keep track of thoughts and memories for myself, because god knows I won’t remember exactly how it happened, it’s a fun game for me to go back and say what was I doing on this date for the last 6 years and be able to go back and read how I was feeling. one day I will print and bind my LJ but until then I will have fun and keep adding life to it.
The journal is for the journal writer.
I need to remember this as well. Thank you.
Right now “Drops of Jupiter” is on and it reminds me of you and everyone who was in that number in Emerald Moon.
It is strange how geography changes things. Kevin is pretty much the only person from my life in SLOville who has visited and kept in touch since the “move”.
Some of the friends I had in SLO still check in with me a few times a year, and me with them. Some have faded into happy memories.
A part of me will always be known as BE, but another part of me had to move forward with my journey and not just “be”. (Notice the usage of caps or lack of caps!)
I still remember my favorite Wicked moment when the show had just started and I realized that my favorite theater boy from my San Jose adventures many years before was on stage in the ensamble.
I was like a little kid at the holidays -I KNEW that guy!
So I’m sure even if I am up here in the Big “O” and you are off to LaLa, someday I will be sitting in one of the big theaters in SF and the show will start and I just want you to know, yes, I will be the nerd you can hear from your spot center stage. The nerd who is screaming “Princess, you rock my world.”
At curtain call all I expect in return is a quick shout out back to the audiance. “Turn Around BrightEyes!”
” A moment your Highness”
Ah, Grasshopper, you have grown & learned much during your internment, just as I had hoped…LOL and yes that IS the word I wish to use INTERNMENT….LOL. Many changes now await you on your lifes big journey. Many beings will enter and leave your outer circle, those who are mean’t only to touch us for a day, a show, a year, just long enough to impart or extract whatever it is they or we need to continue along the journey. Then there are those who you never expected when you first met them that they would become so deeply entrenched in your inner circle it’s hard to imagine that they weren’t there all along. Maybe on the spritual level they always were there and have finally caught up in the physical. Anyway, I will always read this and I will always know where and how to reach you, no matter where on this big blue ball we are! LM