For you or for me

I’m actually a very happy person.
I’m actually a very sad person.
I’m actually a very stressed person.
I’m actually a very successful person.
I’m actually a very satisfied person.
I’m actually a very sick person.
I’m actually a very dimented person.
I’m actually a very determined person.
I’m actually a very exagerative person.
I’m actually a very humble person.
I’m actually a very noble person.
I’m actually a very quiet person.

And there will always be more than what you see. We’re just humans, right? I mean – does it really matter if we state who we are or aren’t. If we admit to our wrongs and rights. People want you to fess up if you are wrong before X amount of witnesses and then ask for forgiveness, but they want you to keep quiet and to yourself if you’re right because that would make you pompous, or self righteous. They want you to be determined but sensitive to all your surroundings, so getting caught up in the ultimate goal though that IS what they want, they want you to do it in a way that is receieved and likable to everyone else. They want you to be quick and efficient, but not a show-off of your skills. And at the end of the day it doesn’t even matter. Your boss does not have the deciding factor if you are going to hell or heaven, or if you have chicken or beef for dinner tonight. You are nice to them because you either like them, you tolerate them for the money, or you are trying to not burn yourself by screwing with the network of people you know that may need to give you the good report later on in life. So you go to work, you go to school, you teach, you preach, you learn, you burn your alloted calories at the gym and any excess “steam” you may have acquired for the day, then you go home to be who you “actually” are. And for who? Your husband or wife? Your girlfriend? Your mom? Your Dad? Your roommate? You new boytoy, your new best friend – are you even who you “actually” are then???? Does THAT even matter? Yes when a door closes another opens but who the hell cares if you like it where you are and who you are with? Why does it matter that you have one personality for work that is driven, another that is quiet at the bars and another for all your online gaming and chat rooms or to even find all those ‘friends’ here on myspace, or in livejournal or anywhere for that matter? Why pretend for someone else? Because their opinion, though you say it doesn’t matter – does. You actually do care “I’m actually a very insecure person” Or maybe not – could be dead wrong, and thats okay cause no one really reads this.

You know, one of my best friends in my life I met in the summer of ’98. We used to say “we fell in love in the summer of ’98” We did shows together, we did 3 shows together in 2000 and I moved into her place after playing lesbians creating a murmur in the crowd or our sexuality, and no – we actually both like boys. We lived together and were inseperable it seemed. Where one was surely the other was not far behind perhaps putting on the lipstick, or checking the hair one more time or making sure our toe nails were painted. We knew each others every move and sometimes she just knew when something was wrong with me that day. They called her “spooky” in high school for that (no we didnt’ go to school together) but it worked. And she was somehow my savior. Then I moved away to pursue acting in film, and she went away to pursue theatre and we kept in touch still. ALOT. emails, text messages phone messages didn’t matter the hour what mattered was our love and friendship for one another. Then she got engaged, I met him we all lived together briefly when they moved back, then I went to school and moved to be closer to school – and thats when it began. I was in school 6 days a week and then was hired on for the summer selection at PCPA and the maid of honor for my sisters wedding at full speed ahead with this other wedding for my dearest friend. . . That’s when the “who are you actually” started to come up. That’s when the separation began, the confusion and the realization. She became someone different. I became someone different. We didn’t speak the same language anymore, all that happened were drawn out conversations on who was right or wrong, who wasn’t communicating or who dropped the ball, and EVERY time it seemed to be me – at least to her it did. So much that when I couldn’t go to her bachelorette party in Vegas and then was told what a disappointment I was for that, and how bridesmaids don’t do that much less a good friend – that I actually stood up for myself and said I was tired of being blamed and being called the disappointment that she removed me from her wedding party. And she didn’t even have the courage to call me or see me face to face – she typed a note and pasted it into a card:

August 23, 2006

Dear Aiyani,

Your actions and most recently your reactions to the latest miscommunications have shown us all your true colors.

You’ve expressed that trying to balance the biggest day of my life with all that is going on in your life is difficult for you. I understand this – we’re all very busy. However, there is an etiquette and a certain “standard” that goes along with being a bridesmaid much less a good friend.

After much careful thought and heartbreaking deliberation, David and I have decided that it is best to remove unnecessary stress and potential drama from our day of celebration as well as from the final 2 weeks leading up to it. Sadly, right now you represent both.

Therefore, I believe it’s in the best interest of all of us that you step down from your position in our bridal party.

I hope that someday you will understand.

Kaz

It took me a few days to commit to my response, sending her a card back with a typed message seemed to be the only thing she would understand, then it became emails and yes I kept copies of all of them so one day I could reminisce and laugh, cry or burn them if I wanted to. Then I saw her in November 2006 and we spoke and I didn’t apologize but we spoke for about 45 minutes and even ended on a hug and a “I’d like to talk somemore” sort of thing. But as I thought and thought about it, I knew it would never be the same. I’d always have to tread carefully to make sure I didn’t upset her again because as we established earlier – it always seemed to be my fault. But you know what?……I really started to get over it. Not over the loss, she was one of my dearest friends whom changed my life in some many ways, someone I learned a great deal from but this back and forth of fault and drama – I was over it. I didn’t need it anymore. It became fake and I had to try to hard to make her happy, that’s not a good relationship.

I’m actually a very bitter person
I’m actually a very drama driven person
I’m actually a very drama free zone kind of person
I’m actually a very civil person
I’m actually a very talented person
I’m actually a very patient person
I’m actually a very loyal person.

The last I heard she was pregnant with twins – No, not really.

the last I heard, was nothing. She had contacted my sister or something and I emailed her and asked her to not contact my family or me. But we have some of the same friends, some of them chose her, some of them chose me, some of them are just trying to be friends with the both of us. Sometimes I even think its going to be okay.

I’m actually a very optomistic person.
I’m actually a very pessamistic person.
I’m actually a very self-conscious person.
I’m actually a very loud person.

There are people that come into our lives and change it all up. They shake it up and all the pieces land in a different place and a new adventure begins with trying to put the pieces back together, but the thing is – why? Why bother trying to make the pieces go back to the way they were, why not see what else comes of the pieces of your life. People will always go in and out of them, and sometimes its a shocker and sometimes its for the best.

Do I regret my time with Kaza? No
Do I long for the “old days”? Sometimes
Do I wish we could reconcile? I’m not sure.

I’m not sure I know anyone who wants to relive a heartbrake just to see if the scars are strong enough to sustain a new one. Nor am I sure I’d bother given the chance. There are things in my life that I am sure of now, and there are things in my life that are still shaky.

I’m actually a very honest person
I’m actually a very ethical person.

What I know is that I’m actually someone of many colors, and at any given moment they could change and that really can be for the better as much as it could be for the worse. I know that I love my husband and I love my family and I would die for any of them. What I know are the friends I’ve had since I was 12 were all in my wedding, and only 1 from PCPA made it. What I know is many fellow Starbucks fellows were there for the show and what I’m happy about is that my wedding was not the “biggest day of my life” it was just the prologue for the next book, and its okay that some people couldn’t make it, and its okay that we had walk ups to join in the festivities, and its okay that some people didn’t get invited at all. There was no drama within any friendships or relationships. There was joy.

I’m actually a very content person.
I’m actually a very scared person.
I’m actually a very inquisitive person.
I’m actually a very indecisive person

It doesn’t matter who you are, if you are doing it for someone else.

You matter to someone else, if you are actually who you are.

I’m actually a very specific person.
I’m actually a very. . .