This last weekend Jenn n baby samuel came to visit me in Vista. They got here friday, we had fun bla bla bla. Sunday right before they left I pulled my back. Hadn’t done it in 2 years – I guess I was due. Pulled it at 6:15pm and Jenn left at 6:30pm, she asked if she should stay I told her no (big mistake) and so she grabbed me some frozen vegetables, pressed play on the DVD player and she left, hug, love you – bye. Shortly after she left I called Jeffrey….left a message then I called Mentor….left a message. Then I cried and cried and cried and had a mild panic attack to which I called my frienemy because his innate ability to calm me down, which he did. Then, Seanah called just to say hi and I told her what happened and she stayed on the phone with me for a bit, offered what she could and asked if she could do anything else or call anyone else – no, there was nothing else I thought she could do. I stay on the floor I alternate icing my back, and removing the vegetables from beneath my back. Its difficult every time to move. It’s difficult to anything from the chest down because of this pain. My arms hold on to furniture to help move me and they also grab my legs to move them if I must move them. I make it to the couch, but no position is comfortable. I continue to watch TV, I continue to ice and not ice I continue to cry and I have taken 2,000 mg of Ibuprofen in the past 2 hours. Another hour goes by. Its 9:45pm and I call Jeffrey again crying asking why he won’t answer his phone or help me then I hang up and crawl over to the front door. I open it and lay on the floor in the fetal position and say “help” over the next few minutes only I say “help” 4 times and someone comes up the stairs.

He is dark and bald with facial hair. He’s wearing a dark blue collared shirt with white stripes and blue jeans. He immediately exclaims “oh my God do I need to call an amubulance??!!” I tell him no, I’m crying, but I tell him no and that I hurt my back and need only to get to my bed. He helps me stand. He’s strong but gentle to not hurt me or jerk me around and injure me further – at least that’s what I interpret. I continue to cry and sob but I use my legs and suck it up as much as I can and walk towards my bedroom. He helps me sit and even wraps his arm around my back and cradles my legs in his arms and helps shift me around to lay down in the bed. He lowers my upper body down gently followed by placing my feet on the bed so that I may keep my legs close – this is the most comfortable position I can be in and he asks me one more time if I need a doctor or to go to the hospital and I half smile while crying and simply say “no” ….”but thank you” he says “ok miss” and he sort of smiles and nodds and leaves I hear his footsteps through the small hallway and livingroom and I hear the lock on the doorknob turn just before he closes it tightly. I lay there staring at the ceiling.

Fifteen minutes later Jeffrey was running to me. I heard him outside running, up the stairs and unlocking the door and running into the bedroom with a face of concern “what happened!?” I just start to cry again. And ask him where he was. He said he was with Ashley and his phone was turned down still from work…yesterday – I call bullshit. I said he was bullshit and he saw I called and chose to ignore the call. I told him a stranger helped me to my bed because neither of the TWO people I know here were reachable. I remind him how angry it makes me that he flaunts his new relationship in my face and its beyond disrespectful and I know he doesn’t care but this time it was an emergency. He makes no apologies only says his phone was turned down from yesterday.

Then, somehow the conversation moved to what happened to “us” and he said he figured it was done at the beginning of the summer when we decided it would be our “trial separation” I reminded him HE didn’t know what he wanted and *I* was trying to give him space and time to figure it out and I was banking on the idea that he would be gone for 2 months then come back to me realizing what he has and want to work on it. He said he saw myspace pictures of me not wearing my ring and fired back with your damn right I took it off after I text you EVERYDAY with no response, I email you with no response and call you with no answer. I took my ring off because I was mad at you not because I didn’t love you anymore. Then he says when I un-invited him to caitlin’s wedding he was done with it. I remind him he didn’t get back to me SEVERAL times about it, HE didn’t stop by on his way home from Vista to talk to me was I supposed to play nice and pretend *we* were okay??!! What was I supposed to do??? He was ignoring me and choosing to not see me or talk to me, I’ll take that as a hint – thank you. The conversation stops, it ends and he changes the subject with “can I get you some water” and I say “sure.” Then he helps put 2 pillows under my legs, the movement hurts and I moan and cry out. He asks if I want him to sleep in the bed tonight and I say yes because if I have to get up I’ll need help. So he does. I cry myself to sleep and wake up the next morning and he is already gone to work.

While at work he text me if I was doing better (this is around 11am) I tell him “no.” Then he texts if I need anything, to which I reply “Yes, i need these invites to get mailed out” (invitations to baby samuel’s birthday party for turning one) and he texts he will stop by after work and take them to the post office before going to school. And he does. Then he’s done with school by 5pm or 5:30pm so normally he would be here by 6:30pm ish. I’m banking on it, because I need to eat and although I had yogurt for breakfast and pasta for lunch I can’t stand long enough to make chicken or something, I’m hoping he will be back and help me with dinner etc. I ice my back throughout the day, apply my SOMBRA which is like a gel you put on topically for joint and muscle relief I drink water when I stir the energy to get up. I am able to stand a bit better and walking is a tiny bit easier even though I shuffle my feet like an old woman, and I have to prop myself up onto pieces of furniture because it hurts my back too much to have it on my legs alone and I glance in the mirror and I’m shaped like the letter S as I look at myself. Really wish I could see my chiropractor – but he’s in AG. 7:30pm comes, I guess he’s not coming here right after school, maybe he has a study group or something, I make canned soup and can sort of sit up and eat it but needless to say….my back hurts no matter what I do or how I sit or lay down. I watch the rest of HEROES season 1, and I continue to watch Six Feet Under season 3. I talk to my frienemy at 9pmish briefly. Tell him I’m pretty much the same and I’m not going to school tomorrow. Ice. Ibuprofen, 1600 mg and both Seanah and my mommie tell me not to do that because it will do this that and the other and all of it is bad, so I stop. At 11pm I get to the bathroom to brush my teeth and I go laydown in bed and read a magazine. At 11:20pm ish I decide to text Jeffrey with ” thanks for remembering I hurt my back and for leaving me here by myself” To which I received no response. I heard him creep in around 1:30am / 2am and I heard him leave this morning around 6:30/7am I don’t know if he has school or work I just know….he wasn’t here when I was hurting. Hurting emotionally is different than hurting physically, and yet he chose to not help me.

Nothing but anger and frustration ensue and my heart races when I hear him lock the door as he leaves. He couldn’t be here last night to help me???? I use every swear word I can think of and cry myself back to sleep for a couple hours.

This morning I sat up, barely, from bed and made it to the living room without using furniture to prop myself up. One trip to the kitchen to get grapenuts with vanilla soy milk and I sat on the couch. yes sat, with ice on my back. Its is uncomfortable and a little pinchy but I can do it, which is progress. I press play for Six Feet Under season 3, and I tell Antoan via IM about yesterday. And then I wrote this….and moments ago still I stopped typing this and text Jeffrey…”I told you it freaks me out when u creep in in the middle of the night. And when you left too. You’re an ass for leaving me alone last night” To which I’m sure he will not reply, nor come to the apartment today. I’m appalled. I’m in pain and I’m alone….which obviously just feeds the fire of depression and angst and I can’t believe Jeffrey….

Furious
ice
Ibuprofen
TV
Text back the people that ARE checking on me that WOULD help if they weren’t 300 miles away