I’m being pursued – like nobodys business.

I’ve blushed and gotten a bit girlie here but the part that is different is he’s so sort of – manly – about it. He’s so certain, and assertive with his words. He doesn’t beat around the bush, he does not wait a ridiculous “3 days” to call me. The better part of all of this, is I recently read what I’m gonna call the “bible” hahahaha – my mom won’t necessarily appreciate that, however keep following me….it’s a book called “He’s just not that into you” Yes, they are making a movie on it complete with an all star cast. It’s been a best seller for close to 5 years and I was recently gifted it from a wonderful young lady whom I affecetionately call Cincinnati. She said it changed her life, and as one who wants to stick to the theme of “bible” I absolutely agree. It has changed my life, it has SAVED me. Man – my mom will either laugh and roll her eyes at me or call me and go “you don’t really call it the bible though right?” = MOM !!! its LIKE the bible!!!! ok ok ok ok ok.

So I read this book and I have a new perspective on relationships, including mine with Jeffrey. Now what’s interesting is after reading the book and thinking how even though Jeffrey married me, perhaps he wasn’t that into me and just did what I said. I was the stronger person. I made the decisions, I tried to get him to make decisions but he always wanted me too. I’m sure somewhere in there he thought it made me happy to make every and all decisions but really – I needed him to man-up once in a while….which he could never do, which he never will be able to do (for me) And after REALLY thinking about my relationships, guys I’ve dated and whatevered – I have come to the conclusion that: I have never been pursued. Silly flirtatious pursuance aside, It’s never been just smurfing obvious that a guy liked me. They played games – hell I played games. And that’s mean, I take part of that back – not ALL of them played games. Timing has to do with it, and so does risking your great friendship, which in the book they also say guys will risk friendships for sex, and that’s great – but I won’t. Games though – I get it, I know I did it too, and I’m sorry – I won’t do it anymore, I’ve grown up a bit. Guys are like…here’s my number call me – and when I do they don’t answer or they take their sweet ass time getting back to me. They think by doing this they have all the power, and they do. They have the power to answer the phone or not, and return your call or not, and if a guy takes too long to get back to me – he’s gonna miss out. At least, that’s what the book says , The idea of “he’s missing out….” now – that’s a nice ego boost and all but to some it just leaves a girl paranoid and feeling like she’s made uber mistakes and can’t see her way out of it so she sits at home feeling worthless, used n abused and unloved – sigh.

That’s hard. That’s tough stuff right there. That doesn’t feel warm n fuzzy, that feels like a pint of ben n jerry’s best just waiting to happen. On the upshot that a girl takes from this a more assertive approach to life and the ideals that no one should wait around for anyone. That’s boys and girls alike in my book. Don’t wait by the phone in hopes they call, call them but if they don’t get back to you, you need to let it go. Information that i’m SURE is easy to read, but harder to go forth with in all your jedi coolness. However, the light at the end of the cliched tunnel may be worth the read. Worth the knowledge, worth the laughs, worth putting yourself in check, worth reminiscing and going “oh yah….heh” and for those who haven’t joined the amazing proverbial life of a good union (married or not) with kids (or not) it may be a good read to alter the way your thinking is….. You know, whatev’

ok but so yes……why did i stutter like that with so many fillers? heh… so yes, I’m in this place of existential healing or random bliss or even a metaphoric purgatorial state of being where I may float with no real definite place I know I’m going to land, but you know what – I sleep better. I drink more water. I laugh more. I’d say something like I have better eating habits but since Jeffrey emptied the checking account (then I took out the remaining $37.77 and closed the accounts) I don’t eat well, I eat what the $.99 store offers. Whatareyagonnado? I feel smarter for my new approach and my willingness to let things go and move on. And the moment I realized I was sleeping better and living in the moment, focusing on what I need to do to get through the day with an endpoint in site, I held my head higher walking – anywhere. I drank again, a little bit i said thank you when someone, anyone, complimented me. I decided I was worth it. That I, in fact, AM worth it. And worth a lot more than I’ve been given before. My self.distructive.ness has become a pattern of stories that I tell, and allthough I may falter, I am human and can only blame myself, then forgive myself. – that’s a big deal by the way so read it again if you didn’t catch it.

At any rate. There he is. This man. This man of a man. Knows what he wants. Goes after it, and I am not just in the line of fire, I am the target. And what I’m finding is that I’m not a moving target, I’m standing still, staring right back at the barrel – with a smirk