I caught my first tube today, sir.
Awesome. Mr. Man flew out from his home in Newark, CA (by San Francisco) to visit me in Vista this last weekend. He arrived friday, came and had lunch with me saturday at school, met the girlies and got a facial. While he was here we had sushi, and hung out at The Coffee House (my favorite place, and the ONLY thing I will miss from here) had drinks at Coyote, went to San Diego and ate at The Hard Rock Cafe, went to Borders looked at books and watched 2 movies. The Family Man & Equilibrium. Equilibrium is the SICKEST (read: Fooking Coolest) movie. And Monday he got on a plane and went back home. He slept on the couch while visiting me, and my owner (that’s Jeffrey) knew he would be here – they met.
Now – I had a truly FANTASTIC time this weekend. I ate more food this weekend then I did last weekend when we hung out for the weekend in SLOville, which was more food than I had had all week.
Mr. Man leaves, I get go back to my “dorm” (the place I stay while in school) in vista. Jeffrey comes in and this is how the conversation kind of went:
Ai: Hey, do you have some money you can give me for groceries and gas this week? (this is normally what I call my allowance, $20)
Owner: No, there isn’t any money
Ai: ok….(looks off to think about what she’ll do)
Owner: There just isn’t any more money!! I blew money on this apartment for this month so you would have a place to stay, I was being nice.
Ai: um…..if you wanted me out by October 1st YOU should have said something. I would have made it happen. If you wanted me out you should have said something – but you NEVER say ANYTHING because you don’t understand what communication is. You are SOOO lucky to be “recovering” from this with your friends and family right here for you. *I* have people willing to fly out here to make sure I’m okay and make sure I eat. I have family that will drive their asses down here to pick up stuff for me, but they can’t BE here for me if I need them right this second. I am doing my best. YOU said to not worry about getting a job, to just worry about finishing school. That you would give me money for gas and groceries. WE agreed we would not screw each other over. Then you go and leave me here injured (when my back hurt), you empty the checking account and NOW it’s MY fault that you’re here because YOUR NICENESS…No – that’s bullshit.
any guesses on what his response was?….That’s right folks – his ONLY response:
Owner: I have nothing to say
Ai: I know you don’t. You never do. I never expect you to say anything, my expectations of you have been lowered and lowered and have become non-existant. I’ll be here through the week because Smurf is coming to get stuff, and then I’ll just live in my car for the next week until I finish school. I will sponge bath in public bathrooms. Its not my first time Jeffrey. You ever live in your car before?? You ever spritz yourself with water and the soap from the dispensers in a public bathroom?? No – well that’s because you’re lucky.
but you know – I’m not gonna leave after this weekend. Eff. I have 2 weeks til I’m done with school. Which puts me here til November 4th. We are out of this apt on November 1st – he can just suck it up, sack up or whatever and deal, I still have to find a place to stay for those few days. Some classmates have offered their couches, that is appreciated.
I don’t even know who this guy is. A year ago he was madly in love with me. 6 months ago he loved me still, 5 months ago was the trial separation and 2 1/2 months ago was when he declared divorce.
“marriage isn’t what I expected” – he said. And as long as I’ve known him he runs away from conflict. Talking about any issues was never allowed. He would check out.
And in the last 6 months I’ve been tossed about emotionally and financially. I’ve been lied to. I’ve been told one thing then other things happen. I was lost because he refused to communicate ANYTHING, that’s good or bad folks. I was placed in the position to accept that he will not compromise, anything for “us.” And you know what – I’m over it. I do not have trust issues because of this guy. I still trust my family, my old friends, my new friends and I do trust Mr. Man. What I’m over, is the part of me that settles; the part of me that tried to “train” someone or “fix” someone. That’s a HORRIBLE THING TO DO. People train animals, not other people – my bad. People fix broken inanimate objects, not people – my bad.
I am a work in progress but I am more sure about the things I want for me, and what I expect from people in my life than ever before. That goes for my expectations of my family, my close friends, and any new people that come into my life. If you don’t cut it, you will not be cast – even for an episode in my life let alone a season, or the series or summer blockbuster. You will not be invited back for any sequels and you will not be mentioned in the paper back version. You will be out. No deals. Done. No hard feelings – thanks for auditioning, we went with someone else. Take Care.
I am well. I promise. I am hungry, not starving, but I am well. I am poor, still have a roof over my head and indoor plumbing and clothes on my back, so I am well. My credit card companies are getting a little angry with me for not making a payment in 2 months, but I am well. My owner didn’t pay our car insurance like he said he would, but I am well. I will be done with school in 2 weeks from today providing I don’t miss any days. My State board examination is set for Tuesday November 18th, so I am well. Minus the school part this is who I was circa 2003 and interestingly enough, Mr. Man was around (albeit briefly) then too. Call it fate. Call it karma. Call it funny or interesting or whatever you want, you are at liberty. Have a great time with calling it something. =)
I am loved, by really important people. People that have always been here for me and help me out any way that they can – so I am well. I am surviving because I am strong and because I have learned some lessons here and I have a scar to prove it. I….Love….Scars. My views on some things have changed and I have only recently been able to understand or touch upon the ideals of Love & Respect – but I’ll take it, I’ll ride it out – the wave seems to be pretty sweet and I’ll let you know if I wipe out or not.
I leave you with a dual action question. What is a soulmate, and do you believe they exist?
peace. love. chocolate. (preferably dark)