First Dawn

The Hudson River was the same color as the sky at 5:30am when Ro and I were in the yellow cab on the way home. The driver didn’t know the exit to take, so it’s a good thing Ro did.

The bar was Four Faced Liar in the West Village. I had 3 tall well-with-whiskey 7&7’s. The fourth one was offered to me by the bartender. But I knew if I drank it I would moments later be stumbling over and throwing it up.

The movie was great.


The current song playing is “Possibility” by Lykke Li, it’s just how I feel.

We saw Iron Man 2 tonight. Matt, Ro and I, with her friend Andrew. He works with me. I guess eventually he will also be my friend, but for now, her friend Andrew came alone. The movie was great, I think. I actually enjoyed it enough to see it again at the theatre should the opportunity arise and the money be present as well. I enjoy Robert Downey Jr. Thoroughly. The end.

But the Hudson River.

The river was calm with the lights beyond it still gently lit as the sky began to take it’s blue face.

The cab ride was the first time Ro and I had been alone for, well years. The last couple times she came out to CA we went out, to hang out. There were people, and drinks, and karaoke. And although the cab ride was the finale to our evening, it was just ours. Earlier I tried to explain my tears.


I said, earlier – I tried to explain my tears. I’ve been crying for the past 4 days. I’m not actually home sick – YET. But there are of course things that I’m used to, that I am not without. Such as. . . waking up next to K. I don’t know how to explain to him how I feel. Being vulnerable puts me in a position to feel to much and ultimately, be hurt by whatever he has to say. He is honest, excellent. Sensitive? Not really. Straight though, to the core. He’s definitely a straight man. Not a typical man. Hopefully, he is still “my” man. I miss him. I don’t know how to tell him that without getting a response like “well…you ARE in NY” and I equally don’t know how to take some of the things he says. . . “No, I won’t be able to come out to see you this summer because of work” and… “the rest of the year is pretty booked with work” so, I guess…I lose. I miss out on seeing someone I care about – for the minimum of the rest of this year, and quite possibly longer. And why? because I chose school, my future and moving forward.

The River, it was quiet, at least – it looked so quiet. And I could imagine the chill inside of it, because I’d lose site of the river while staring at it and have flashbacks of laying next to him and all of a sudden feeling frozen. And without effort, he’d wrap his wonderful arms around me and trap my legs in his to warm me up. He’d kiss my temple and ask me if that helped. I remember stuttering and shivering. I remember his warmth and slow deep breath sleepy breath in my ear and moments later feeling warm enough to roll just far enough away to hold his hand and still hold his warmth on me.

The drinks at Four Faced Liar are strong. Oh, good. I needed it. I hadn’t gone to sleep until 3am, hadn’t woken up until 12:30pm, listened to a song on repeat for 6 hours, cried myself to sleep curled up in my robe and holding my panda the girls from Club gave me and I had had one bowl of cereal. My eyes hurt. They sting. They want me to stop crying, but I just can’t. It’s more than just one thing. . .

I’m PMSing
I’m one week in, I’m one week here
I’m FINALLY getting rid of this cold
I’m learning to be a server at a restaurant
I’m learning to be a server at a restaurant in New York
I’m learning to be a server at a restaurant, in Harlem, Privately owned, In New York
I’m scared he’ll find someone as “wonderful” as me, that lives in the same zip code
I can hear his voice when it’s quiet
I can hear baby sam’s laughter right before I fall into deep sleep
I’m missing 3 weddings (thus far) this year. Boyfriend Jenns, Amanda, and Cincinnati
I’m missing one box from UPS, holding my TVD’s
I’m soaking my contacts to try to make them last longer, even though i’m supposed to replace them once a month
I’m looking out through the new Target purchased Curtain flowing with the soft wind outside my broken window. The glass is not broken, the frame is lose.
I’m missing my sister and my brothers
I’m missing my dadda and knowing he’s less than 10 miles away
I miss my maamm.
I’m a server at a restaurant. . . not an Esthetician, not an actor – not yet.

But the River. The Hudson River at Dawn seems quiet. It seemed almost motionless while the yellow cab flew by. it seemed quiet enough to comfort me into sleep mode even though the sun was rising, somewhere over all the buildings. The GW Bridge hovers over the Hudson connecting us to New Jersey and the buildings beyond the water were still lit with night lights and for a brief moment I couldn’t hear what Ro was saying. She’s been so helpful. She has a place for me to live, a job for me, bought me food and drinks, took me shopping for clothes for work and in the cab ride home, semi-drunk I looked out onto the Hudson in May and reminded myself I was not on vacation. I live here. I chose this.

Oh, yes, Iron Man 2. Great movie – go see it. I’d see it again. Robert Downey Jr. Fabulous. And to my surprise, Scarlett Johannsen (sp, I don’t care) is pretty great. The IMAX on 34th street is where we saw it, and the Empire State Building was lit at the top a green color. No idea why, but I took a picture of it.

We took the train to the movie theatre, the train to the bar, and a cab home.

It’s after 6 am here in New York.

I’ve been here one week, but I have no idea how I am doing.

I know that I miss you. I know that I think of you. I know that I talk to you, out loud, to myself, because you’re not actually there. I know that I have two windows in my room with a view of the GW Bridge, the bridge that runs over the River.

And this is my first dawn in New York.

There are many firsts in New York, all of which will be mine. But today, today was the first dawn. The first time I stayed awake long enough to see the light begin to wake up the part of New York that went to sleep. The dawn that brought the next day, brought me home and is putting me to sleep. To sleep to hopefully dream better, and perhaps bigger. To cry a bit less, or a bit lighter. To laugh a bit more and maybe a bit louder. Maybe after I sleep and wake up again, the river will be different.

Maybe I’ll long for a “wake” in the calm, constant ebb of the river at dawn. And, not just the Rivers dawn, but mine.

About Aiy_M

5'9" barefoot

Posted on May 11, 2010, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. For what’s it worth (and I’m not sure what it’s worth to you) I believe with all my heart that “school, my future and moving forward” is the best decision you can make. Trust in whatever you trust in that the heart strings will work themselves out, they always become untangled when it’s time:) I still love you after all these years and am proud of you for being in NYC, I thought you would have been there years ago:)

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