brain purge

From saturday, and today; Monday

Good afternoon (morning).

Some are beginning their work week, some in the middle, and others are in their weekend mode. Weekend mode, for me, used to be a fun “day off” kind of thing. Now, with only one “day off” a week I find it’s just as busy as other days and I must adhere to certain productivity rules I’ve set in place for myself. Thing is, I’m just tired of it. I DO go in autopilot a lot. Work, class, clinic, sleep, eat, laundry, clean, prepare, study. All of these things are equally symptoms and results of the life path I’ve chosen to currently be on. I’ve been on it for almost two years, and before that my days were filled with other time-filling and complaint-driven things. I’ve lost the motivation or goal I had in sight when I set myself in this path. Now I look forward to the 1 or hopeful 2 hours a week when I hit a bag amidst strangers sporting similar boxing gloves. Now I look forward to laying in bed by 11p. I know I’m no longer in my twenties, and the forties will arrive soon, and the plans I set out for this year I still want, and they still harbor my focus–but but… Sometimes everything just becomes a hazy, fuzzy, blurry mess of predetermined time and energy spent.

I do not currently feel overwhelmed, I actually feel underwhelmed. I lack excitement and drive. The people who question this lack-of feeling I don’t care enough about to answer or prove myself to them otherwise. The people who support the goals and plans I have set out help to remind me of where I am and where I am aiming, it’s almost, though, that there isn’t or aren’t person(s) in my immediate reach that understand any piece of me I offer them, and it’s disappointing. Because the day-in-day-out really isn’t “me.” It’s an alternate me, of some kind. Like I’m sleeping and watching myself in a parallel universe. I’m trying to allow new people into my life, a rule I etched in stone for almost a decade now. And it’s weird. It’s weird allowing new to me personalities and attitudes in my space. Whether the space is fb, or a hug, or sitting and having a conversation. I have so much more to offer and I’ve really just kept to myself for a while. My friends back home knew the twenty-something social butterfly loud entertaining version of me. Most people in New York don’t know that I used to sing and dance and perform. I’m neither the socialite nor the homebody, actually. I’m neither the extrovert nor the introvert. I hone in both. I observe, and I pretend sometimes. Pretending doesn’t mean lying. Not always at least. Sometimes it’s just polite or cordial to do so, and I’d like to think I have a certain kind of etiquette . I observe and am honest during other times. I give advice to people that ask for it, and keep it to myself otherwise. I’d like others to do the same. Open forums are different, they apply the social implication that your opinion or advice is pre-okay’d for submission. Age is something, I ran over it a bit earlier but I tend to not take twenty-something’s seriously and that’s a mistake. Not because “I was there before too” but they have different perspectives, and my twenties were different than their twenties. Anyone’s twenties will be different from someone else’s.

And then there’s job stuff.  That can be…stressful.  Where I used to love it there, I now feel under appreciated, overlooked, and I’m often spoken to from a condescending plane.  Which I don’t respond to very well.  I don’t take to bullying or threats.  Who does?  Some people just take it, I suppose.  Out of fear.

I was accused of no longer being “passionate’ about my work.  I’m guessing it doesn’t occur to her that full time work in skin care, AND full time school for massage is passionate about learning.  I’m going to be Dual Licensed for the spa industry.  The body care industry.  Massage THERAPY.  Massage is no joke.  I have to take Anatomy & Physiology, Pathology, Neurology, Myology, Kinesiology, Medical Massage classes…among holistic approaches that include channels/meridians and points on the body for acupressure.  I have to learn how to look at someone’s tongue and see how their organs are effecting their overall health.  I had to become CPR/First Aid certified to be in clinic to work on “real” people, not just classmates.  All of this to say…if i wasn’t passionate I wouldn’t be doing ANY of it.  If I just wanted a job, I’d go get one.  I want to do something that interests me.  She doesn’t know I have books at home about skin that I read and peruse, she seems to only base her statement “you’re no longer passionate” on my lack of daily energy and dancing (did I mention full time work and full time school? this includes classes and clinic hours I’m not at work, classes after work, and classes before work) and perhaps the fact I don’t want to learn laser treatments, yet.  It’s because I believe I have a full plate.  And when you’re an adult you learn to juggle what you have, not keep adding and dropping.  That’s just messy.  If she wants someone to mold into her ideal esthetician, she should take someone fresh out of school that just passed the board exams and start mentoring them.  We’ve been licensed the same amount of years.  She has had more experience than me, and got into the business for different reasons and I respect that.  I am willing to learn more, providing the approach is just that.  Learning.  Not question why I don’t already know something, or be sarcastic or condescending.  Nor do I appreciate her assumption that because I do not EXPRESS my passion the same way she does, that it MUST mean I am not.  That’s extremely close minded.  I’m not a fan of bad formed logic, nor do I take to un-funny fallacies.

I must digress.  Standing on that soap box doesn’t do anything but give me a headache.

My schedule needs to include an allowance of time to study.  That is difficult.

My schedule does not allow me to much time to adhere to the ideals of “me time.”  I like kickboxing, and try to do it twice a week.  Most of the time that’s once a week.  Other moments of this “me time” is hanging out with my inversion table, seeing a chiropractor, and showering, you know at least a few times during the week.  Relationships? nope. Drinking and/or being social with friends? Nope.  Video chatting with my loved ones? Nope.  Brunches for catching up with friends I see once or twice a year? huh-uh, nope.  NO time.  I make food for myself, is that considered “me time?”  Sometimes I go see shows on Broadway.  It’s excellent.  An excellent way to spend my “me time.” And I will keep doing it, regardless of who deems the way I spend my time  as”poor” or dare I say “without passion.”

I’d like to bake some cookies.

I was given an adorable tiara/crown cookie cutter a few years ago from my mother and have never once used it.  Sugar cookies, I think would be appropriate.  This, however, would take some time.

I like my piano.  I have forgotten most of the songs I used to be able to play on it, I can hear it in my mind and have to remind my hands how to do it.

I’d like to go back to Hidden Gems Archery.  I found a piece of me that I didn’t know existed when I had that bow and arrow in my hand and my mind hushed while my eyes focused at the target.  I’ve wanted to learn archery for over a decade, I found a place and it’s just barely in my reach–while I have limited time to dedicate to it.

I want to learn sign language, and calligraphy.  I’ve wanted to learn sign for over twenty years.  I found a place, I bought the material and this summer I’ll have time to dedicate to it.  Calligraphy, I’ve wanted to learn since I was being taught cursive in elementary school.  Part of the reason I love pens is feeling them in my hand, and watching how my hand re-grips and changes the way my handwriting appears.  I often wondered how it would feel to write with a quill, dipping into ink.  Oddly those quills look like arrow tips…

Seems I like to do things with my hands.  Things that connect me and my mind to my hands.  Facials, waxing, massage, sign language, calligraphy, archery, playing my piano.  I may even venture to saying I’m passionate about it, all of it.

The year is just beginning.  Remember in the year review blog I said to watch, this is me telling you It’s Beginning…

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About Aiy_M

5'9" barefoot

Posted on January 26, 2015, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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