(S)Wipe out

Remember back in the Nineteen Hundreds when people had to be vulnerable and introduce themselves in person, exchange information and then check the answering machines for messages? Remember wondering all day if he’d call?


Remember when cellphones weren’t smart yet? And we’d try to memorize a phone number by making up words from the letters that would coincide with the numbers? Remember seeing “____ calling” and freezing, quickly trying to decide whether to answer or let him leave a message so you could listen to it over and over and over?


Remember when there were phones, and online chatting and you’d be at work with the IM up and you’d “toggle” back and forth between work and chatting.  Chatting with multiple people, even.  Friends, family, New Potential Cute Guy I’d Like To Kiss.


Smart phones.  Connecting you to everyone everywhere all the time, except the people currently right in-fucking-front of you.  Now you you can be dumb, because your phone is smart for you…? (lowers head in defeat) Now you can message, text, follow, tag, call (your mom because she doesn’t use a smart phone.  This one’s for people thirty and up), tweet, Instagram, play games with your friends (the ones your actually physically “hanging out” with, and ones that are in another country)  and let everyone know everything–except what you look like in person giving your undivided attention.

Meeting people has become as easy as a glance and swipe.  No actual eye-contact needs to be made for you to make your decision.  No talking needs to happen, just a quick overview of a profile that is either copy and pasted into several outlets of similar swipe-right-games, OR it will simply list where else you can find them via their…twitter, instagram etc etc etc.  So you can look over their personal resume.  You can decide if they are good enough to see in person based on the number of followers they have, how many friends fb says they have, and you can delve into their psyche by analyzing their photos on instagram.  You can make life decisions now with your smart phone and dumb self.  I am included–don’t get me wrong.  I play these games.  It’s just something I thought about today, lately.  Lately and today–shut up.  These applications give us the sheer power to yay or nay someone as fast as a casting director searching for a specific look in a knee-high stack of headshots.  These applications give us the instant information we have deemed the most important about a person…wait…what?


THESE applications have given us the ability to what???

And that’s good and bad, I think.  And I’d like to also think that people use these for-good, and not just for hook-ups.  But who’s kidding who now.  Am I right?

That said, let me just give you a quick overview of how I go through a swipe-right game:

Typically if I “like” what I see, or read, or dear god the combination of the two I will Swipe-Right.

Typically if I “do not like” what I see, or read, I will Swipe-Left.

yes I have a type, and so some guys are automatically Swiped-Left.  Aren’t we all?  hmm.

Guys I Swipe-Left  For, in no particular order:::

1) Your Shirt is Off in one, or any of your pictures.  I mean, leave some mystery.  I don’t need to know every girl out there has seen you without your shirt on.  Although, this also lets me know if you’re hairy or not, which would still inform my decision to swipe right (probably).  It’s just you telling ME that you’re a piece of meat and I can decide to bite in or not.  It cheapens both of us.  Stop it.

2) You have a girl in the picture with you.  Look, if we’re gonna do this you have to give me the opportunity to picture myself next to you.  I don’t care if she’s your cousin, your sister, or your niece.  She doesn’t belong on your page with you.  This page should be about you, and you should respect the faces and privacy of people in your life, and again…I’m trying to decide what I’d look like next to you.

3) (more like 2b) You have ANYONE else in the picture with you.  How the hell am I supposed to know who I’m looking at?  I don’t care if it’s your best buds from college.  I don’t care if it’s a bachelor party–hopefully it’s not your bachelor party, because that would also be weird…–I mean if you are physically unable to take a picture alone, or use that smart phone with a smart app and edit people OUT, then the least you can do is blur their face.  Again, it’s not place to display others on Your Page

4) A Real First-Name is not listed.  Now I get there are a multitude of names out there.  Ethnicities, pronunciations, etc.  I’m pretty sure your mom included at least one vowel in your name.  Pretty sure she didn’t spell anything with three of the same letter in a row, and I’m also almost positive she didn’t put any numbers in your name.  Ok  RSTLN8? If you’re gonna put yourself on these sites and play these games, try to be brave enough to use your name.  The way you would if you were in person with someone–coward!  (also, I don’t know if girls do this.  If so, don’t make it harder for yourself girl.  Just put your name down or don’t bother with the game.  Site.  game.?  Gamesite…? Also, your first name is not “ImBatman”, even though I know for a fact there is someone out there with a middle name of Chewbacca (true story!)

5) (more like 2c) No kids people.  Do not. Put pictures. of Children on your page.  I don’t care if they are yours.  I don’t care if they are a niece or nephew.  It doesn’t tell me you’re family oriented, it tells me you’re okay with displaying other people.  Is nothing sacred to you? Not the page, the kid.  If you have kids, maybe, after we chat and that comes up, you can show me a picture.  But…can we wait for that? Can you just freaking not put children on your dating site? smh.

6) Muscle poses in the bathroom, or locker room, or gym floor.  Hey I get that exercise is a huge part of some peoples lives.  It’s a lifestyle.  Its a part of you.  Put some clothes on, and stop being so narcissistic.  You didn’t take that for me, you took it for you.  If you do it so you can see your own progress, cool–don’t post that though.  You look shallow.

7) No face.  Look, this ones easy.  Just a picture of your body, or leg, or flexing your arm is not good enough.  No face means your hiding something, or from someone and I won’t get near that drama.

8) (more like 7b) Can’t see your face because you keep covering it with a mask, or sunglasses, or scuba gear, or freaking…whatever-the-else sport or travel thing makes your face get covered.  Show me your fooking face.  Geez.

9) Pets.  Now this one I may be alone on, and I’m okay with that.  It’s that I don’t do pets.  I don’t care.  I for sure won’t be bothered by a cat, I can tolerate dogs.  I don’t want to drop kick them, I just  don’t get them, and why people dress them up, or talk about them like they are family or children.  And wait wait wait, don’t run me over here.  I have plenty friends that have pets.  And when their dog of X amount of years dies, I do feel sad that my friend is sad.  It’s a relationship that I don’t understand and so to not waste time, I will probably Swipe-Left.   In the long run, that’s best for you too, I imagine.  How about we compromise and say Not JUST the picture of a pet.  How about you have to be in the picture, too?  Deal?

10)  420.  We all know what this means, and I’m not into it.  You do your thing, man.  (she said as she Swiped-Left)

11) You just want to hookup.  (for the record, hookup here is sex only, okay)  I want you to know I’m thankful you are honest and upfront about what you are looking for.  Since we clearly are not seeking the same things, I Swipe-Left

12)You have zero pictures of humans on your page.  Look, it’s a dating site…(even if it was a hookup site which 90% of users are there for, I get it) we aren’t interested in your 3-screen computer set up, or your DJ set up, your car or motorcycle, or a random building…It’s a human-connection site, post a picture of a human.  Hopefully it’s you (and only you…see numbers above).

13) You have more hair on your neck than your face.  I know, I know some guys are hairy.  Hell, some girls are hairy.  Some guys bald, some women bald.  I’m telling you I get it.  But if you are choosing to to shave your face, go ahead and take that razor towards your neck  until we get to that chest area.  GENTLY.  I’ve never shaved my face, but I straight up cut my leg once when I was 15 shaving my legs.  T hat shit’s no joke.  Btw, I wax my legs now and I might put that info on my profile.

14) picture is super duper pixel-y  its 2015, Boss.  take a picture that isn’t blurry.  don’t zoom into an old picture so much you have no features.  Help yourself out here.


Now.  What have we learned? We’ve learned I am on these sites.  That’s personal…and weird to admit but it’s the 21st century, I have a smart phone and on occasion play the role of Dumb Self.  Mostly these sites or applications are used for sheer entertainment, like an actual game.  They are “ego boosts” for when you Swipe-Right and it responds with something like “It’s a match!” and I go “awwww yay! he thinks I’m pretty” and then I move on.  I rarely contact people.  I have, though.  Few times.  I’ve been mostly let down by the stereotypical stupid-guy just wants to get in my pants conversations.  Those are always brief.  Couple times I’ve met someone in person and there’s nothing there.  No connection.  No chemistry.  Nothing.  And that’s a bummer, I suppose.  It would’ve been quicker to see them in person first and not-feel the magnetism, than go back and forth first.  I mean…Which is actually easier?? Is it easier to  weed them out then meet in person, or see each other in person and see if there’s anything more there?

I like the latter, honestly.

Now, I’d like to take a quick moment and say there are single parents out there, who can’t get out there and sometimes these sites and applications are the only Way Out.  Virtually Out.  I get it.  I can’t relate, but I get it.

Still, humans are different when you allow yourself to physically see and be seen. Put your phone down once in a while.  You could miss something if you’re always looking down and playing games. 😉

About Aiy_M

5'9" barefoot

Posted on February 9, 2015, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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