Aiyani Mersai

I was going to have a departure party but I just don’t think it’s going to work out for everyone. SO, in the event anyone wants to hang out before I leave for New York, just call me or email me. If you want to have a lunch, a brunch, a cocktail or four, if you want to have dinner or appetizers or boardgames and more – just let me know and I’ll make time on the calendar for you.

Thank you to everyone. You have all been so supportive of this leap. I am excited about school (to my own surprise), I am excited about city life and the ups and downs of said experiences.

I will continue to post here on LJ, probably more after I move because it will all be new and exciting. =)

A pretty successful weekend.  The Guttersons’ moved from AG to Nipomo, from a small two bedroom apartment to a nice size 2 bedroom townhouse.  It will be good for them.  They were gracious enough to continue to offer me a roof over my head until I head out to NY.  So I’m gonna start sending boxes after I get my tax return.  I looked into getting a small POD like thing but there doesn’t seem to be anything like what I’m looking for – or maybe I’m looking at the wrong things.  I don’t have furniture I’m moving, just clothes and some stuff for school.  But that could become a few boxes and depending on the weight it could be easy or not easy.  So we’ll see!!

It’s been lovely spending time with K, it’s really really nice just talking about stuff sometimes.  Getting to know someone is always so fun.  Questions like “do you like scary movies” can become an hour long conversation about good parts and bad parts, favorite parts, what is scary what isn’t – and I’m interested in everything because it’s new to me.  And it moves the conversation into something else, too.  Last night we went to New Frontiers together  (I had never been) and he needed to give me the lay of the land.  It’s also nice when you have nothing but time on your hands.  I had helped move my friends, and had the rest of the night dedicated to spending time with my new lovey.  We took our time picking out food for dinner, took our time walking to the car and up the stairs once we got home.  By taking our time, I mean enjoying the walk and occasionally stopping for a little smoochy-smooch.  We took our time getting our food set up and watched the rest of High Fidelity, which I’d never seen.  Then we started watching Ronin, which was also good but we didn’t finish it because it got late and I was tired.  I slept curled up next to him and woke up at 7am to get to Kidz Club in AG by 8am.

I helped cover today at Kidz Club, my day is normally Friday, but I helped then went to the old apartment and cleaned some more and packed more then headed back to Nipomo to unload the car.  Jenn is sick so I unpacked the bathrooms and kitchen.  Hopefully she’s okay with it, sucks when you don’t feel good and have to move stuff around.  Shrug.

And now, it’s time for chili cheese dogs.  Yum.  For reals, I know that hot dogs are basically gross for you but sometimes they are SOOO good.  Like when i’m HAMMERED from alcohol, and tonight feels like a junkie night that I deserved from working’ and movin’ and cleanin’

Tomorrow if I wake up in time I’m going to take KICK at 9:15am,  if not I’ll go to a different class or go and do my own thing.  Either way, it will be a good gym day.

Last wednesday the Gutterson’s BBQ’d and we had whiskey, just like everyone else.  We hung out, we laughed, my friend Ari came over after work and he ate and drank and it was fabulous.  Then Ari went home, and the family went to bed, it was 10:30/11pm ish.  I was awake and feeling fine so I hopped in the car and drove to SLOville.  I didn’t know what to expect but I decided to go to McCarthy’s.  I claimed a great spot on the street right in front of the bar and walked in.  It wasn’t until I walked in the bar that I started to look for him.  I don’t know why, but I knew he’d be there.  And he is tall, 6’5″ to be exact, so I didn’t have to search heavily a few glances should do it.  I paced quickly through the main section of the bar and around the corner then outside.  I glanced left, nothing, I glanced right – and there he was.  Just as I remembered.  Tall, blonde hair, blue eyes, and a beard – drink in hand. chuckle. I slowly approached not taking my eyes off him.  He was talking to someone, a shorter long blonde-haired girl and I landed 3 feet from him with a direct facing and eyes staring.  It wasn’t less than 3 seconds before he glanced up and the place blurred, like in a movie – seriously.  Someone walked in front of me which blocked him from my site long enough for me to disappear if I was a ghost or a hallucination.  But I stood starring.  And less than a moment later he was stepping away from the girl talking to him and walked directly towards me.  He hugged me and I was drunk.  He smelled good, I wrapped my arms around him and the long hug turned into a brief moment of my head resting on his chest, because it can.  We walked inside and he bought me a drink, of which I sipped and reminded him I wasn’t trying to pull him away from his conversation but I wanted to tell him something.  And he listened.  I confessed I wished I didn’t get swept away and dated The Ogre.  At Caitlin’s wedding reception he was my…flirtatious  person, my may as well be my date-person.  I had wanted to come home from Vista after school and date him, guilty as charged.  Then I got swept off my feet by someone whom I manifested-ish. I wanted someone I already knew to sweep me off my feet and be the exact opposite of Jeffrey.  So i got him.  It wasn’t the best conjure of a man, I wasn’t specific enough but apparently it was exactly what I wanted or needed at the time.  Even the fights, though I hate them really opened my eyes to what I didn’t want, what I did want, what I was willing to acceptand what I wasn’t willing to accept.  Both in myself and in others, specifically someone I’m dating or with.  I stood at the bar with him and told him I was sorry and just needed to find him and tell him and today was the day.  His gentle, understanding smile grabbed me and my hands equally took his face in my hands and I kissed him.   I closed my eyes so tight that nothing else existed for a brief second.  There was no one else around, there were no songs blaring, no lights on, no voices yelling, no glasses clinking and there was no cigarette smoke – haha.  But eventually my eyes opened, my hands let go but he kept one arm wrapped around me and I let him and like it and I stayed close.  Eventually the lights came on, last call was being hollered and it seemed my time was up with him.  He looped my arm through his, like a gentleman, and asked if I wanted to walk around until I was sober or if I wanted to sleep at his house, and he volunteered to sleep on the couch.  I told him it would be a few hours before I was sober and off we went to his house.  A lovely walk.

Thursday I had to pick up my mom and take her in for some surgery, so I said thank you – kissed him more then he walked me back to my car and I left.

Friday night Caitlin, Jared, and he and I hung out at McCarthy’s.  Wifey, and husband-in-law were in town for another friends wedding.  I stayed out for a few hours then went home.  I kissed my wife and my husband-in-law goodnight and even smooched him lightly and I went home.

Saturday I spent all day with Caitlin.  We looked at clothes, gossiped, vented and went to the friends house she’s staying at.  I trimmed her hair, dyed her hair and styled her hair for her friends wedding, then I changed put some light make up on, and went on a date.  A dinner date.  Me?  Yes.  We went to Corner View, I don’t recall ever have going, it’s nice.  lovely lighting and some nice options.  He took the fish and chips and I took the Asian Chicken Salad, which I ate with chopsticks – and quite easily if I do say so myself.  We walked around for a bit and met up with Caitlin and Jared again, and closed the bar down.  Both of us a little drunkie, we walked back to his apartment and slept off the alcohol.

We spent all day sunday together.  Went to Louisa’s for lunch.  Well – I had lunch, he had buckwheat pancakes.  We walked around downtown SLOville stopping in old bookstores and random stores with sales, and then we sat on a bench with our cold beverages.  Me with mango ice tea, he with pomegranite juice, and we chatted about nothing and everything.  He kept one arm around me the whole time, leaning in and kissing my forehead once in a while, something I actually cherish.  Eventually we walked back to where my car was parked from the night before and I drove it back to his house. I curled up in his chair and was reading a book while he did laundry.  Then we watched two movies.  The Quick and the Dead, and Death to Smoochy.  It was a fabulous day, and I curled up next to him that night and slept safely wrapped up in his limbs.

The first week is always so wonderful when you are spending time with someone you like.  Someone you quickly begin to care about and learn about.  Someone who can sit with you for 3 hours and just talk and share and listen and be heard.  Connecting with someone on multiple levels and appreciating your time with them.  I don’t remember my time with Jeffrey to well, it was only a few years ago, but still I guess it wasn’t as imprinting as it could have been.  And my time with The Ogre can be described with words like, mistake, or lesson-learned.  Either way I haven’t sat and spoken with someone, a man a that and be able to carry on a normal conversation.  Where opinions run a muck, debate is fun, and it all ends with a simple kiss and smile.  Because at the end of the day, you care about them.  Can’t remember the last time I felt like that with a man.  It’s refreshing.  it’s lovely, and it’s endearing.

Mr. K, I do believe I’m smitten.  We’ve known each other for 10 years.  We’ve been acquaintances, and friendly towards each other and it never seemed like the right time. And now, I’m leaving in 40 days to New York, but I want you to know I hope to see you as many of those 40 days as possible.  And after that, we’ll just have to see what timing has in store for us.

 Today I got my letter of admittance to the program I wanted at Marymount Manhattan College in New York!!  I was accepted academically last week (or the week before I don’t remember) but today received the letter that said we are pleased to admit you to the BA in Theatre Arts major with Concentrations in Theatre Performance AND Directing.

I’m very very excited!!!

And for those of you a little confused by the title of this blog, it’s a quote from Romy & Michele’s High School Reunion.  =)

Closing night was technically last night, I have a matinee today for a private group that bought out the house. Then I’ll done with the Mousetrap. I had a very good time with this show. Had some great challenges and really feel I gave it my best.

Now onto my life as we know it. Eating better, going to the gym, living on a couch, still phone less, I have a couple bites for buying my car – that’s cool we’ll see how that works out. other than than I’m tired because I only get about 5 hours of sleep each night.

and we’re late for our call because the gutterson’s had brunch with parents. here i go.

Verizon Wireless will turn my phone off today if they don’t receive $115. Awesome, granted they do need it, I do have a contract to pay them to let me have a phone number and stuff. It just upsets me because I don’t have the money, or a job that I will receive it from any time soon. I wish I had more clients, I’d travel to them but I have no gas in my car, and soon I wont’ be able to drive the car anyway because I can’t pay my car insurance.

Just feeling overwhelmed. I’d like to actually sell my car, since I won’t need it in NY. I’ve put in on craigslist and got a couple hits already so we’ll see. I’m just not sure what to do right now.

One more weekend of shows left. A buy-out this coming thursday, open to public friday/saturday, and a buy out on sunday. It’s been a pretty good run. It has been a true test to where I am in my “art” or “craft” and it has felt good trusting my instincts while on stage (and off stage I suppose) It has been very hard, I take that back…it has been a very challenging role for me to get through, to understand and to portray. Miss Casewell takes such and arc and in the end nothing is at it seems. There is strength and vulnerability. At least, that is my intention and equally my hope that comes across.

The Sex and the City Marathon with Miranda is going well. She is watching episode after episode and when I can I pop by and watch 4-12 episodes with her. . .hahahahah

I had a terrible eating and working out week. I at such crap, I chalk it up to my period. If that’s too much information for you, I don’t care! Stop reading! hahaha. But NOW I just want the veggie soup I made from scratch (ish, it’s the Weight Watchers recipe) and water. I didn’t go to the gym because my shoes rub up against the new mark and would hurt. And the pilates and yoga classes were absolutely accessible, and I was just too lazy or drunk. woops. One minute, one hour, one day, one week at a time.

I know it’s almost March, but I’m not worried. I’m doing better in my head, and my heart doesn’t ache nearly as much as it used to. Even when I have flashbacks of Mark I don’t get sad or wish for time gone by, I actually don’t think of him much at all. Even though I feel lost sometimes and in the way, I’d rather be sleeping on a friends couch and reading or knitting for stephanie then fighting with a boy/man. I know as time goes on and my mind feels at rest and assured, my heart will follow and my physical self will also. What’s nice is even though I know I have a ways to go, I’m not worrying about it. I am heavier than I’ve been in the past, but right now it’s not at the top of my worry list. Yes, I need to take care of myself physically, being heavy and unhealthy leaves me prone to illness and diseases and diabetes and cancers, many things that run in my family anyway I have a higher risk of because I’m heavy, but I still don’t/won’t worry. I’m taking my time returning to myself. Getting my head on straight, letting my heart and soul heal are crucial to my healing physically. And I know that I will.

I haven’t heard from Marymount Manhattan yet. I hope to hear in April, but regardless if I get in I am moving to New York this year. It is an experience that is calling to me very strongly now and I am glad I have friends out there already ready and willing to house me and help me find jobs and show me around. This will be a great year as long as I stay focused, but free, positive yet realistic and strong yet vulnerable. I need to be able to know it’s okay to ask for help if I need it, and be thankful when people offer anything to me. A hug, a drink, a blanket, a movie, some cash – any of it. I will learn many lessons this year, and what’s important is that I stay open to learning them and keep moving forward.