Aiyani Mersai

Depression can drive you to (in no particular order):

extreme dieting
over eating
dehydration
insanity
jealousy
alocohol
sleep deprivation
mood swings
trust issues
anxiety attacks in the middle of the day
panic attacks in the middle of the night
moments of nostalgia followed by tears followed by yelling at….no one

somehow i’ve decided that this has become a….checklist

I live alone in Vista because my husband never comes home
I go homehome on the weekends because people there care
I go to a school where I am friendly with the other ladies but I don’t know if we are friends
I have coffee with kitten when I can
I have talks with my frienemy when he can
I see my family because I can
I drink when I can, accept when I’m in Vista alone – if I don’t make myself feel it I won’t heal from it
I wonder where he is and at the same time I don’t care
I stay awake sometimes days at a time because my mind is racing so quickly it won’t let me rest
I cry when I’m sad, which is almost immediately followed by crying because I’m angry followed by laughing because I’m stupid enough to cry
I don’t believe it when someone tells me I’m pretty
I don’t believe it when someone tells me it will be okay
I don’t believe it when someone says they’ll call – because they don’t and of course there’s ALWAYS a reason and I’m supposed to ALWAYS be okay with it
I watch my wedding DVD because its there and because it was a good day, I feel nothing
I look at pictures over the past 2 1/2 years and feel I’ve wasted time
I am pushing myself to see my friends because I know it will help but all I sometimes want to do is lay there.  Lay still and just….i don’t know.  breathe? yell? laugh? cry?
I love and hate at the same time, and that goes for more than one person
I follow a pill poppin’ routine of vitamins
I try to drink water

what can I do next?  Exlax and water for a month?  Take on an eating disorder.

There is no way out.  I can’t find a way out.  It doesn’t even FEEL like rock bottom so I can’t imagine nor do I want to find out what that may be.

The other day I saw pictures of my wifes’ wedding (caitlin)  She looked beyond stunning.  Her hair was perfect, her makeup flawless, her dress was breathtaking and it was all wonderful.  I didn’t recognize myself.  I was the token fat friend in any picture that included me.  You can’t hide a fat person.  I have become this fat person because the past few months have depressed me and all I’ve done is drink and eat myself into an oblivion.

I don’t know what is next.  But right now I’ll take it if it will make me not feel depressed anymore.  Not make me feel worthless and quiet and unheard.  I’ll take it if it means healing is faster, and losing weight is something will just happen.  I’ll take it if it means my self-esteem may be slightly restored as will my trust in….people.  I’ll take it if it means when I open my mouth to talk about ME and what’s going on with ME because I FINALLY think I can, it means OTHERS LISTEN because they said they would – instead of start talking about themselves and their problems or adventures.  I’ll take it if after every time I laugh I don’t feel sad about something else.  I’ll take it if it means I can sleep without waking up every half hour and checking the couch.  Ill take it if it helps me not stay so close to my phone in hopes that I hear a certain ring tone – and No, the ring tone is not Jeffrey’s tone….I’m longing to hear someone else call me, to check on me and talk to me.  I’ll take it if it means my dreaming subsides to a more “normal” place.

sigh.
vent.
sigh.
vent.
sigh.
vent.
fat
fat
fat
fat
fat
fat
sad
sad
sad
wah
wah
wah

May 23 – Jeffrey left to work in Santa Rosa for 2 months
June 9 – the Day I got to the Central Coast for 2 months (took a leave of absence from school for 60 days)
July 10 – the day Jeffrey was driving from Santa Rosa to Vista and he decided he did not want to stop by and talk to me or see me
July 14 – our 2 year anniversary, the first time he told me this wasn’t working for him
August 8 – the day I returned to Vista and Jeffrey told me he missed me and he was sorry he didn’t stop by in July
August 11 – the day he said he actually didn’t miss me he only said that because he thought he had too, and the second time he said this wasn’t working, and he wants a divorce
August 16 – the day I tell my family the news and that I don’t know much more and I can’t seem to answer any questions because MY questions haven’t been answered either….because he NEVER comes home – he stays with his friend…Ashley, whom he has apparently known for years but I’ve never met her and most recently they’ve been “hanging out a lot”
August 18 – the day I told my close friends via email about his decision and what steps I am taking to care for myself.
August 28 – the filing of the joint petition for a summary dissolution for Jeffrey Warren and me.  Marking 2 years and  45 days.
August 28 – I look into the forms for an Uncontested Dissolution so I don’t have to wait 6 months before sending in another piece of paper that says “yah, we’re not together anymore – thanks” but in more legal terms.
August 28 – the day I kept packing and packing when I found receipts from what looks like a “date night” from the Wild Animal Park, to dinner at Pat & Oscars
August 28 – reality check
August 28 – refer to the previous post and try to stay focused
August 28 – make myself eat something

August 29 – ……

I will love you forever.

I don’t know what kind of love I have for you yet, but some kind of love will always exist in me, for you. I know that I’m willing to find out what kind it is. You could be my next best friend (in addition of course to the ones I have…), you could be one of those friends I see once in a while and feel as though time has not passed, you could be the love of my life.

I know that I will never lie to you and I could never thank you enough for what you’ve done for me and what you continue to do for me. I know that I feel more like a human when you are around me and that being in your home is the greatest escape from everything and anything that I feel is attacking me or breaking me down right now. You are always so at peace, you are so patient and willing to listen and I can only hope that with time some of that will rub off on me. I can only hope that with time…..well I can only REALLY hope that “time” is what you give me.

I know there is much that has happened in your life thus far. I know you’ve seen great love, I know you’ve seen tragedy and more so than seeing it, I know you have experienced it and felt it and I feel privileged that you have allowed me to listen; that you’ve allowed me into that small, quiet circle of puzzle pieces.

I know that you believe actions speak louder than words, and as someone who often turns to words; I’m often told that I lecture or my answers to questions seem like monologues longing to be edited…..but know its because for the longest time taking action was not a real option. And after not taking action for so long, you just realize that talking seems to be the way to go. I would like to extend my….fear….to you by also saying I long to take risks. That some people believe I AM a risk taker, but I am not. I really am “all talk.” And I would love that to be something I learn to grow from, not change – but grow from. I want to be able to tell people what I’m thinking and describe to them how I’m feeling, but I want to be able to show them as well; more specifically I want to be able to show you.

In acting school we are told to take risks, and as long as I am playing a character I feel I can do it, its “real life” that I tend to …..talk my way through. Granted I have had my moments of adrenaline or alcohol induced bravery, but its a show….I always have to be putting on a show. Something you brought to my attention – something that surprised me.

I know that I have baggage. I know that you have baggage. I know that I will never lie to you about what my baggage is, where it comes from and why sometimes I need someone to help me check it, and why sometimes I need to carry it all on my own. I know that I am not looking for someone to fix me, change me or remind me of my faults but that I am looking for someone who can be there for me as I do change, and someone who will be around regardless of my faults.

I am tired and I am lonely and I know I have to be careful with….everything….right now, and you know all the reasons why. I know that I cannot allow myself to transfer feelings to you, I know that I cannot allow myself to depend on you and I know I cannot take advantage of your kind, objective words. I know that I am a handful, and that when you met me your hands were already full and I know I cannot make you any promises other than this – I will love you forever…I don’t know yet what kind of love that is but it will exist in me – for you, forever.

When I’m with you, life is full of possibilities.

For those unaware of the web logs of Toy Talk, it is a series I write taking children toys and comparing them to life, as I know or as I see it. All archive entries are located on my livejournal on their original dates and in their entirety as a group on myspace at the February 13 2007 mark.

Chutes & Ladders a game. The object of the game is to spin the dial and move forward the amount of spaces specified. No more than 6 moves per spin, no more than one spin per move. The board goes to 100. 100 little boxes and some have ladders in them and if you land on the box then you consequently get to climb the ladder to a higher space thus making you closer to box 100 and winning! However there are also chutes; slides that when landing on a box with a chute you have to slide down to a lower numbered box making box 100 that much more farther away. There are up to 4 players allowed on the board per game. There are 2 girls and 2 boys – at least that’s how it was when I grew up.

Spin to see who goes first, the person with the highest number goes first followed by the next highest number.

It should be as simple as one, two, three. It….should be. Life feeds us numbers all the time. At the DMV, at restaurants, our cel numbers, our bills, and hell some of us even “crunch” numbers at work. We get up, go to school or work or wherever we need to be and we do it because we have to move forward. There is an ultimate goal in all of us – somewhere. Depending on the numbers on the clock, on the paycheck and in the bank we move up the ladder. This is what we grow up to do. We spin the wheel and see where the arrow points and we move forward without really knowing if its gonna advance us or put us back a few steps. And further more we don’t know that after we climb that ladder and move up in our life if the next spin, or step, is going to send us plummeting down this path allowing us an un-cushioned landing on our backside. But regardless, we always get up and keep moving forward. At least that’s what we should do, that’s what the rules of the game are. Through wind, rain, sleet…through the blazing sun, through the trials and tribulations, through the tests….the marriages the funerals, the unemployment, the birth of unexpected kids, the winning of the lottery….through unpacking and repacking, through ruining dinner when you’ve never cooked to getting your college degree – we climb and climb and climb, and so many of us fall and fall fall….well – slide. The thing that keeps us moving after the valley’s is we know there will be peaks ahead. The thing that makes us get up and brush ourselves off, is that THAT is what we have always done. Its what our parents told us to do when we fell, what our friends helped us do when the bully pushed us down, its what the tutor helped us do when we didn’t get the subject and failing the tests, it’s what our aunts and uncles and grandparents all wanted for us, its what our coaches always told us to do….so we did. We get up, we brush ourselves off, we take another spin and move forward again. We keep reaching for the top, the end, that ultimate place of contentment because you finished! And while we spin only once and pass it on we learn patience, that’s it’s not always our turn to move forward or up, or even backwards or down. We learn that whatever we do is actually in OUR hands, not someone elses. Its not a team game this Chutes and Ladders, its every man for himself and we all want the same things but it may take some of us longer to get there because some of the ladders are shorter than others, some of the chutes are longer than others…but you’ll get there. What’s great is that in a game like this, everyone would stick around until the last person finished. The game wasn’t over until all 4 people made it to the top. Sure there will be first places and second places, there will be presidents of the companies and vice presidents of the companies, then the managers and assistants then service representatives….

which one are you? which one are you trying to be? Does it matter to you how quickly you finish or get to the top. Is it fair to assume that once you reach the top you’re going to see how the others make it? Because often in this world we just keep moving forward and once we get to the top we keep going. The game wants you to encourage others to keep reaching. It wants you to know that you may finish first in this game but there will be other games and wouldn’t you want support while you’re still trying to get up and move forward? Do you remember to take turns in your life? Once you reach any point of success do you pass on the torch so others may try to also reach success?

When you spin, or take that step forward, and you see that you are going up or going down how fast do you make your move? And my advice to you is always proceed with caution, and enjoy the ups as you can appreciate the downs because even in spinning then stepping, it’s all for a reason. There’s always an end in site, there will always be a next step after you believe its over. Its just how the game is played, you just have to decide your approach in how you play it. Not much strategy is involved, just spin….and move forward – but as always…watch your step.

I’m back in Vista. It’s hot and lonely here. The upside is I did go to the gym today and it felt great. 30 minutes on the treadmill walking and running and 20 minutes on the bike. I have to look for a job this week, that’s always fun and I returned to school on saturday so tuesday will be my second day back. Its just as I left it. Like a play with the same choreography and direction but some of the ensemble has changed. It was nice to see 2 people there. One of my teachers and one girl that was in my class.

Life seems to be rolling just the same, but different. I’m different, he’s different and soon everything else will be different too.

You are the Beauty, and equally the Beast

Someone once told me “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” What a loaded statement. It opens up the portal to anyone and everyone who have an opinion based on what they believe is beautiful or anything in relation.

For example:

This flower is beautiful because the colors, the shape, the smell, the fact that it resides in nature and even the painter cannot mix his pallet perfectly enough to create it. That song is beautiful because the cleverness of the lyrics, the swelling of the music, the build of the unknown tension and release that to those with small vocabularies cannot fathom describing. The girl I met the other day was striking. Her hair unnaturally bleach blonde and so short drew me to her deep blue eyes and the excitement of her mouth and whatever she wanted to say I would listen too. Him, I can’t stare at him too long because his eyes pierce through me like emotional daggers and yet I’m drawn to the softness of his voice, the gentility of his questions and somehow just in his presence I am more beautiful and safe and silent. The scent of a newborn child is something that cannot be made in a lab, or bottled, it exists and is heavenly and soothing. After reading this book I was moved, I was motivated, I was somehow complete and yet completely lost and it was exciting and I was alive, I am alive. Words by the dead or pulsing poet drive me into a new being. It not only tugs at my ears but it yanks at the very center of who I am and I am flying because of those words. I got drunk the other night, he was hot – ‘nuff said. She was the most intriguing thing I’d ever seen and her energy pulled me to her, pulled my heart and my hips to her. That movie the other night, that I watched with you, although frightening and startling will be ours, because together we are a mess, and I desire the disruption, the sweet distraction. Your skin…is amazing. You may believe that all that makeup makes you prettier but I am interested in what you look like without it, because I’m interested in what you really look like, I’m interested in who you really are. You laughter brightens my spirit. When you walk into a room, its like a light turned on. You are the flame and I am drawn to you. The play we went to the other night made me think. It made me question myself – in a good way. I’ve never experienced anything like that before, ever. Did you write that song? Its good, really good. Your performance, sir, was remarkable – truly. I respect you. We have so much in common. No one’s ever made something for me before. These are tears of joy. Your laughter is infectious. You have the ability to make everyone comfortable when everything is uncomfortable. This IS my life, and I’m inviting you into it because I live better with you in it. She said….he said….I said…you said.

Some people think paintings are beauty captured forever. Some people think nature itself, the smells, the light, the colors, the sounds are beautiful and that our bodies are pulled to nature because we are part of it. Some people have to have materialistic things to make them believe they look beautiful, smell beautiful which would inevitably mean they could get whatever they wanted because of their beauty….hhmmmm. Some people will never know they are beautiful on the outside, some people will never know they are beautiful on the inside because our own eyes, and mind, and heart and soul do not allow us to do so. Something out in the world has instilled in them, in us, what beautiful should or shouldn’t be and based on that we decide we are the opposite. We are not the beauty, we are the beast.

Someone once told me “to be beastly is to let the animal out, calm the beast within.”
Again, a loaded statement, another portal to say what is animalistic to one may not be to others. A place that states what is good things or bad thing to say. Is it horrible, is it beastly, is it just plain mean, or is it just blunt honesty that you cannot handle?

For example:

Some people are hunters, they must kill to find their rank in the circle of life. Slaughter houses exist to bring you your burgers, your steaks, your tenderloins. All that blood splashed for either your $1 double cheeseburger or your $12.99 bacon cheeseburger – depending on what joint you may frequent. All those piercings are digusting. All those tattoos are ridiculous. I am afraid of needles. He was the most awkward man I’ve ever met. She was the worst kisser EVER. You were a little fish in a little pond, now you’re a little fish in a bigger pond – I can’t imagine how lonely you must be; cause you’re not a dancer, you’re not a singer and you’re not an actor, you never were, you never will be. My friends have fangs that were specially designed for their mouths and jaw line and teeth. I never got a pair, I totally regret it. Those same friends would kiss my neck and scrape the side of my neck gently with those teeth and it was exciting. You look fat in that dress, go change – ouch. Your haircut makes your face look too round. If you wear your jeans any lower I’m going to see everything else about you. My daughter isn’t a slut. Find the reddest color lipstick and smear it all over him with your mouth. I hate you. I don’t trust you. I need you to change who you are because who you are now doesn’t work for me. I’m not ready for this relationship. I want out. No one is interested in that information. You broke my heart!!!! Bastard. Bitch. You ruined my life. That is my ex-girlfriend, she cheated on me. That was my boyfriend, and he is cheating on me in broad daylight. I’m going to scar. He left me with this bruise. She left me with our kid. My mother disappointed me so much I promised I would never become her. My father, left when I was 3. I was left at 16 to raise my younger siblings, along with my aunts kids. You are my worst mistake. You are my biggest mistake. I regret ever meeting you. I curse the day you were born. He said….She said….I said….You said.

Growing up I saw the Fairie Tale Theatre version of Beauty and the Beast with Susan Sarandon as the beauty. I remember the texture of the film, her dress, her hair, the castle, – but I don’t remember the beast. Not the actors name, not what he looked like as the beast, not his clothes.

As a child I watched the series Beauty and the Beast with Linda Hamilton and Ron Pearlman. Episode after episode, week after week, I watched with my sister and my mommie on the couch or in mommie’s room. Often we found ourselves rooting for the beast, he is misunderstood. He wants nothing but to protect his family, his loved ones. Disney splashed the screen with color and light and song when Beauty and the Beast was drawn to perfection and released for all of us to enjoy and experience. Every girl wanted to be Belle. Belle loved her father, would do anything for the person she loved including giving her life for them. Running away means you’re running towards something else and along the way natures claws and branches, LIFE will rip at your flesh and you have to decide if you will stop or be persistant. You have decide if what you are running from or to, is worth it. But not every girl is willing to live with a beast, or talk to a beast, or see what the beast has to offer from the inside. I don’t know many men who are willing to do it either. Beauty, as the person, male or female, can represent whatever and whomever you’d like. So can the Beast.

As an adult I was cast in the staged musical of Beauty and the Beast. The children would laugh and sing along. The beast, our beast would represent more than a character in a play. The adults would question his performance as an actor but never bother to ask or understand what takes place on a casting panel, or in the rehearsal room. Would you honestly want your four year old in the front row sitting beneath a man of 6’4 with a deep frightening voice unable to control his temper? We need the audience to be able to relate but see through it so they can connect quickly and root for the good guy quickly. It doesn’t matter though. Because their opinions of the beauty or the beast exist because of their own experiences in life, its characters like the beauty and the beast that allow us to begin questioning everything else about who we are.

Who is willing to see what a beast has to offer?
Who is willing to look past the outside of the what the beauty has to offer
Who is willing to see what you and what you have to offer?

This is what I have to offer. I am both. You, are both. Depending on where I am, who I am with, what I’m wearing, what I’ve eaten, what I’ve had to drink I am beautiful or beastly. It comes from my life experiences that I am careful with men, and not from fear of being hurt but because I change and I know this of myself. I have hurt them, they have hurt me – it’s even. But from these experiences I’ve learned that sometimes the beautiful hug from the beautiful man doesn’t mean nearly as much as the rough kiss from another. I’ve learned that I can look into their eyes and see what they expect from the night or if they want there to be more nights where we are just looking at one another. I can paint my face and hide that I’d been crying for hours, go drown myself in liquor and run away. And when we run away, when I run away, I go through that foggy night, through branches that scratch at my face and skin and end up looking for the person I know still loves me. And after running in circles I will end up at a new place confronted by a new face. Sometimes it is my own, sometimes it is someone else. Sometimes that someone else is what I believe is beautiful sometimes that someone else is a beast. Sometimes, they are both, as I am both.

I can run and find that I was running because I was being the beast. I will run and realize that what I said was mean, and hurtful and ugly and uncalled for. I will look at myself and not see who I am. I will turn the chairs over and in anger I will curse in frustration and then all of a sudden see someone that calms the beast. Someone who is willing to look past what they see. Someone who is willing to see that I’m not angry at them, I’m angry with myself with how I look, with what I say, with what I feel and I may not be able to make sense of it but they are willing to sit with me until I figure it out. They are willing to look past my faults, my mistakes and think that perhaps I’ve learned from these but the changes have only happened to me on the inside. Maybe my heart is better, but I don’t let it reflect in my appearance, maybe I forgot that it is connected. The same person in me that wants to reach out and touch his face tenderly wants to a moment later scratch my nails down his back. It is beautiful and beastly. It is passion, it is colorful, it is light that shines from the inside out. The animalistic behavior does not define me but I finally allow myself to attack.

I have two eyes for you too look through. But inside there is either perfect wonderment or a messy bafflement. Would you be willing to stay for either?

Would you be willing to stay until the rage in my subsides?

I have to ears, are you convinced that whatever you say will go in and stay, or are you scared that it will go in one and out the other.

I have two hands are you willing to let me caress you or hold you then scratch you and dominate you.

With my feet, will you bow down and kiss them or allow me to walk over you?

Are you willing to give and receive?
Are you able to accept?
Must there always be something denied in order for the adventure to feel more risky?
Must there be rules so that it feels better when we break them?
Will you only ever see my skin, my curves, the hair on my head and my mouth?
Will you look into my eyes and search?
Will you allow me to search?
Will I be able to accept being jaded?
Is there such a thing as bliss?
It really is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
It really is the most horrible thing I’ve ever seen.
I really is this hard?
It should never be this difficult.
If I let it go, will I hate myself
Will you hate me?

I am full and empty.
I am corrupted and innocent
I am more sure than I have ever been; but so confused
I am hot and cold
I seek patience… impatiently
I have to be loud but I need to be silent

I am your beauty
I am my own beast.

I seek
I search
I find
I leave
I stop
I go
I run
I stand firm
I wait
I will continue to wait. . .