Already May
So…it’s May, now.
In March:
Sloan moved out, rather quickly. But hey, people need to do what they need to do sometimes to get back to themselves–right? I switched jobs. Originally I was going to look for a place to do massage a couple days a week, and stay with the boutique spa I was at for three days a week. Personalities sometimes class, and opportunities arise for different reasons. SO, I moved on to a place where I do skin care, waxing, massage and body wellness. The owner I work for is wonderful. She has built her brand over the past forty years and is encouraging, kind and supportive. That’s nice to have in a boss–am I right? When I told her I didn’t want to work 40hours because I needed time to breathe after two-years of being in class, clinic, and work full time 6-7 days a week she nodded and said she absolutely agreed. She encouraged me to meditate and take time to read. To sit and be quiet and recharge. I loved that. She has put a great deal of trust in me in a short amount of time and is a hands on trainer for her techniques. For this industry, she is the best boss I have ever had. I will learn a great deal from her and perhaps when I open my own Wellness Center I will feature her product line. =)
In April:
I started to look for a new housemate to replace Sloan. I had fallen behind in Clinic II for school. For clinic, I have to complete a certain number of treatments. I fell behind in Clinic I because I hurt my back. So at the start of Clinic II I was already 15 treatments behind schedule. Then there were snow days and sick days and I couldn’t catch up. So in April I took on two externships to clock more Clinic hours. This meant doing approximately 12-15 sessions in a week. It. Was. Exhausting. BUT–I did it. I successfully completed all my Clinic Hours, wrote a Pathology Paper, and passed all the finals of all the difficult classes. I totally cried after them. Path2 and TMR were SO DIFFICULT. But I passed.
I also had my birthday in April. Last year I had the big (several..)party (ies) all Wonder Woman Themed. This year I didn’t feel like having a big celebration. However, Mr. Gutter took his boys (my 7 and 4 year old nephews) and his new Lady Friend (with her niece) to Medieval Times, and he bought me a ticket and took me for my birthday!! He had the King pronounce me as a PRINCESS of the Realm (I have pictures and video footage as proof!), he bought me a fun drink with a souvenir goblet, and had the Chancellor announce my birthday during dinner as well. 
SO MUCH FUN. –Also I created a really important hashtag (pound sign): #YesAiyM , careful I’ll be trending
So birthday, and finals, and then everything in life came to a crashing HALT. Time started to feel longer, like I could accomplish more.
Work, is a little slow right now. And that’s okay. I know my clientele will rebuild, I know that I will learn alot, and I know I will be successful there. For now I am appreciating the quiet downtime. And I have three days off each week. It’s almost unheard of. And I’m really just…sitting here. It’s so nice to not have anywhere particular to be. It’s nice to not have to take 2-3 bags with me for the day with all my books and clothes for work and school. It’s nice to have coffee in the morning in my recliner and watch TV, or read a magazine, or a book, or just sit back in the quiet.
All of what is happening now, is nice. I may not be making any money, but I currently have my sanity, my health (physical, emotional, and mental) and I found a housemate for the summer. I have food in my fridge and I have clean drinkable water. I have friends in my life, both here in NY, and in CA. Family that loves me and supports me even though I’m so far away. My back is doing alright, I see a chiropractor (Adam at Lamb Chiropractic) and I use my inversion table.
I may not be on the highest upswing, but I’m not on a downswing, and I’m still here at the playground.
your walkabouts
Dear ____________,
You crossed my mind today. It’s not unusual for you to cross my mind. The frequency in which you cross it, however, is distracting and a little hurtful.
I remember you. I promise. I remember what it felt like in my stomach to sit next to you. What it felt like the first time you looked into my eyes. I promise, I remember. You don’t need to continuously walk back and forth across my mind. You don’t even smile at me when you do. You just let your eyes stab me. You walk by at different speeds, Sometimes you’re wearing what you wore the first time I saw you/met you. sometimes you don’t have your shirt on. And I remember you. I remember how your skin felt under my hands and how you kissed me. ok? I promise. I remember. You don’t need to stay present. You’re not even available to me. You get up and go about your daily life and randomly contact me. Yet my stomach still flips, and my heart still skips when I see your name appear. Randomly. Every. Single. Time.
So. If you can get my attention just fine in “real life,” there’s no need to go on walk-abouts in my mind, okay? Are you able to follow my logic here?
I remember you. I remember what it felt like to be enveloped in your arms with your chest pressed against mine. Yes with your shirt on, yes with your shirt off. I remember just fine. I remember what it felt like for you to hold my hand and brush your hand across my face.
I remember what it was like to rest my head on your chest with my arm draped over you and what it felt like when I looked up to you and you stretched down to kiss me before I laid back on your chest. I ran my fingers over and over and over your chest.
I promise I remember you.
Either be more present in “real life,” or get out of my life. Occupying my mind is not an option.
Thank you,
Aiyani
a brief opinion
First, my opinion:
Last night I went to see the show “If/Then” with Idina Menzel, with my housemate Sloan. Originally it was a gift to Boyfriend Jenn, but she was sick in Jersey. So Sloan and I went.
It was not amazing. There were a few moments, a few lines, a few lyrics that would pierce me in the heart or knock my brain around a bit, but overall the way I explained my feelings was “They are not giving me the opportunity to invest.”
The idea behind the show, I think, is simple. “What if” is really all it comes down to. We get taken down two separate paths if this woman chose one path, or the other. We get to see the outcome of her life, and her friends. If you are not paying attention, you fall behind. You get confused as to which version of this woman’s life you are watching happen. They try to help you by calling her Liz or Beth (as her name is Elizabeth), they try to help by adding a pair of glasses for one version. In theory, it’s very interesting I think. I feel fine having seen it, I don’t feel I need to ever see it again. There are a couple songs that have messages that hit-home, as it were. Most of the songs, though, seem forced. As though the people writing the book and music and lyrics were making themselves put a song here or there. My experience with musicals is small. Some are just show-y. As they should be. Like “Anything Goes” it’s light and fun with singing and dancing. Others have carefully woven music and lyrics throughout the entire story, like “Bridges of Madison County.” Where each song feels earned. This particular show, just feels…forced. Quick make her sing again!
I think if Idina Menzel was not in it, it would not be on Broadway.
We shouldn’t have to try to “invest”, but we do–I do. What does appear easier are the moments here and there where we can “connect”. The thing with “connecting” is its superficial and fluid, and sometimes far too broad. That’s okay though. (shrugs) There were a few moments where I went “I’ve been there.” and question my “what ifs” and I agreed when she claimed “are we always starting over?”
Ultimately it was Idina Menzel singing to us. right at us, for us. Like she was in concert. With a bit of a story somewhere behind her. Sometimes she spoke so quickly I missed what she was saying, again–not that big of a deal. Because the show is not that big of a deal.
And again, that’s okay. I saw a show last night. Because I’m in NY and I can. I saw a woman perform on Broadway that I’d seen perform only one other time on Broadway–as Elphaba. She had a power house voice then, and still does. A very distinct voice and sound from her when she speaks and sings. Listening to her at The Tony’s years ago as Elphaba became the reason I wanted to go to school for theatre. It was the first time I heard a musical theatre song sound like *me* Strong and belty. So my connection to her doesn’t have much to do with her ability to sing or act or tell a story. My connection has to do with what she triggered within me, all those years ago. And the connection remains, and it flickered again last night regardless of the story she was a part of.
It’s good to know there are pieces of me that can still light up.
So Far Feb.
February weekends have been pretty good so far. First weekend in Feb I got to see The River on Broadway starring Hugh Jackman, from the front row. It was super fun. There was a scene where he was cooking dinner. Preparing a fish, a trout of somesort, and was cutting vegetables and a lemon, his chopping skills seemed normal and someone applauded. It was hilarious. He was so close walking by I could’ve grabbed him, but I refrained.
Second weekend my housemate Yaya and I went to see Cabaret. It was her Christmas present to me. I didn’t get her anything–because I suck. I didn’t get anyone anything. Nothing for family or friends. That can be hard sometimes. Wanting to give, and being unable to. Cabaret with Alan Cumming and Emma Stone. It was awesome to see Alan Cumming, he’s so adorable and fun. Emma Stone was fine as Sally Bowles. That role doesn’t need to be superb, she needs to be edgy and belong at a place called The Kit Kat club with smoking and booze everywhere. She did just fine as Sally. I enjoyed it.
This weekend is Valentine’s Day. I’m not currently off the market, so to speak. I am not a bitter single person. I rather like my single-status lately. It is by choice for a few reasons. I do, however, on the occasion miss having a man in my life that cares about me that wants to be with me “for reals.” I say “for reals” because the offers I get are more for things more…casual. That’s a polite way to put it. Casual. And although that too is fine, and I’ve dabbled, it’s not what I want right now. Yesterday was Friday the 13th. oooOOOooo. Today is Valentine’s Day and I got home just before 8pm. I have wine, Apothic Crush. I have my snack: ritz crackers with cream cheese and salmon. A snack I haven’t had in a few years and just craved the other day. Where I’d typically have carrots and humus, or some other form of snacky thing for dinner–the snack this week is yummy and a nice change of routine.
Yes, there is a guy on my mind. No it’s not serious. Yes I’m open to it becoming serious, but that comes with SO MUCH MORE stuff that it can be intimidating or nerve wrecking , and why think SO FAR in the future?? Why not just stay present and see what happens. Let my stomach flip when he texts me, or leaves me a voicemail. Let my face hurt from smiling. Why not just…be. heh. I can get caught up so easily and flustered and race scenarios through my mind and have fake dialogue to pass the time in my head while on the train, but…why? Why not just…be. =) So I am. So I’m home tonight, and he’s with his family, and we are supposed to see each other tomorrow. I hope he does come over, I will live if he doesn’t.
Next weekend, who knows.
Class and Clinic. Work. I’ve dialed back from 4 days a week to 3, lets see how that goes. It’s not ideal but it’s important for me. And my bosses may or may not like it, they may or may not understand it, but it’s important to me–and I’m uncomfortable talking to them. They don’t come across as people who care about the well-being of their employees, just their business. And since I’ve never been in their position, I can’t relate and blame or not blame them for caring or not caring. heh. Regardless, I have to take care of number one. And in my life, that’s me. No one is going to take care of me, except me. If I don’t get things done, they won’t get done. The only thing that makes all of that difficult, is not having a strong support network here. No family, no close friends. I have acquaintances and a few friends. But NY is difficult to be a close friend. No one here would be able to be an emergency contact, know what I mean?
But, I’m fine. Overall. Day in the life. Tomorrow? Maybe something new and exciting.
(S)Wipe out
Remember back in the Nineteen Hundreds when people had to be vulnerable and introduce themselves in person, exchange information and then check the answering machines for messages? Remember wondering all day if he’d call?
Forward
Remember when cellphones weren’t smart yet? And we’d try to memorize a phone number by making up words from the letters that would coincide with the numbers? Remember seeing “____ calling” and freezing, quickly trying to decide whether to answer or let him leave a message so you could listen to it over and over and over?
Forward
Remember when there were phones, and online chatting and you’d be at work with the IM up and you’d “toggle” back and forth between work and chatting. Chatting with multiple people, even. Friends, family, New Potential Cute Guy I’d Like To Kiss.
Forward
Smart phones. Connecting you to everyone everywhere all the time, except the people currently right in-fucking-front of you. Now you you can be dumb, because your phone is smart for you…? (lowers head in defeat) Now you can message, text, follow, tag, call (your mom because she doesn’t use a smart phone. This one’s for people thirty and up), tweet, Instagram, play games with your friends (the ones your actually physically “hanging out” with, and ones that are in another country) and let everyone know everything–except what you look like in person giving your undivided attention.
Meeting people has become as easy as a glance and swipe. No actual eye-contact needs to be made for you to make your decision. No talking needs to happen, just a quick overview of a profile that is either copy and pasted into several outlets of similar swipe-right-games, OR it will simply list where else you can find them via their…twitter, instagram etc etc etc. So you can look over their personal resume. You can decide if they are good enough to see in person based on the number of followers they have, how many friends fb says they have, and you can delve into their psyche by analyzing their photos on instagram. You can make life decisions now with your smart phone and dumb self. I am included–don’t get me wrong. I play these games. It’s just something I thought about today, lately. Lately and today–shut up. These applications give us the sheer power to yay or nay someone as fast as a casting director searching for a specific look in a knee-high stack of headshots. These applications give us the instant information we have deemed the most important about a person…wait…what?
What???
THESE applications have given us the ability to what???
And that’s good and bad, I think. And I’d like to also think that people use these for-good, and not just for hook-ups. But who’s kidding who now. Am I right?
That said, let me just give you a quick overview of how I go through a swipe-right game:
Typically if I “like” what I see, or read, or dear god the combination of the two I will Swipe-Right.
Typically if I “do not like” what I see, or read, I will Swipe-Left.
yes I have a type, and so some guys are automatically Swiped-Left. Aren’t we all? hmm.
Guys I Swipe-Left For, in no particular order:::
1) Your Shirt is Off in one, or any of your pictures. I mean, leave some mystery. I don’t need to know every girl out there has seen you without your shirt on. Although, this also lets me know if you’re hairy or not, which would still inform my decision to swipe right (probably). It’s just you telling ME that you’re a piece of meat and I can decide to bite in or not. It cheapens both of us. Stop it.
2) You have a girl in the picture with you. Look, if we’re gonna do this you have to give me the opportunity to picture myself next to you. I don’t care if she’s your cousin, your sister, or your niece. She doesn’t belong on your page with you. This page should be about you, and you should respect the faces and privacy of people in your life, and again…I’m trying to decide what I’d look like next to you.
3) (more like 2b) You have ANYONE else in the picture with you. How the hell am I supposed to know who I’m looking at? I don’t care if it’s your best buds from college. I don’t care if it’s a bachelor party–hopefully it’s not your bachelor party, because that would also be weird…–I mean if you are physically unable to take a picture alone, or use that smart phone with a smart app and edit people OUT, then the least you can do is blur their face. Again, it’s not place to display others on Your Page
4) A Real First-Name is not listed. Now I get there are a multitude of names out there. Ethnicities, pronunciations, etc. I’m pretty sure your mom included at least one vowel in your name. Pretty sure she didn’t spell anything with three of the same letter in a row, and I’m also almost positive she didn’t put any numbers in your name. Ok RSTLN8? If you’re gonna put yourself on these sites and play these games, try to be brave enough to use your name. The way you would if you were in person with someone–coward! (also, I don’t know if girls do this. If so, don’t make it harder for yourself girl. Just put your name down or don’t bother with the game. Site. game.? Gamesite…? Also, your first name is not “ImBatman”, even though I know for a fact there is someone out there with a middle name of Chewbacca (true story!)
5) (more like 2c) No kids people. Do not. Put pictures. of Children on your page. I don’t care if they are yours. I don’t care if they are a niece or nephew. It doesn’t tell me you’re family oriented, it tells me you’re okay with displaying other people. Is nothing sacred to you? Not the page, the kid. If you have kids, maybe, after we chat and that comes up, you can show me a picture. But…can we wait for that? Can you just freaking not put children on your dating site? smh.
6) Muscle poses in the bathroom, or locker room, or gym floor. Hey I get that exercise is a huge part of some peoples lives. It’s a lifestyle. Its a part of you. Put some clothes on, and stop being so narcissistic. You didn’t take that for me, you took it for you. If you do it so you can see your own progress, cool–don’t post that though. You look shallow.
7) No face. Look, this ones easy. Just a picture of your body, or leg, or flexing your arm is not good enough. No face means your hiding something, or from someone and I won’t get near that drama.
8) (more like 7b) Can’t see your face because you keep covering it with a mask, or sunglasses, or scuba gear, or freaking…whatever-the-else sport or travel thing makes your face get covered. Show me your fooking face. Geez.
9) Pets. Now this one I may be alone on, and I’m okay with that. It’s that I don’t do pets. I don’t care. I for sure won’t be bothered by a cat, I can tolerate dogs. I don’t want to drop kick them, I just don’t get them, and why people dress them up, or talk about them like they are family or children. And wait wait wait, don’t run me over here. I have plenty friends that have pets. And when their dog of X amount of years dies, I do feel sad that my friend is sad. It’s a relationship that I don’t understand and so to not waste time, I will probably Swipe-Left. In the long run, that’s best for you too, I imagine. How about we compromise and say Not JUST the picture of a pet. How about you have to be in the picture, too? Deal?
10) 420. We all know what this means, and I’m not into it. You do your thing, man. (she said as she Swiped-Left)
11) You just want to hookup. (for the record, hookup here is sex only, okay) I want you to know I’m thankful you are honest and upfront about what you are looking for. Since we clearly are not seeking the same things, I Swipe-Left
12)You have zero pictures of humans on your page. Look, it’s a dating site…(even if it was a hookup site which 90% of users are there for, I get it) we aren’t interested in your 3-screen computer set up, or your DJ set up, your car or motorcycle, or a random building…It’s a human-connection site, post a picture of a human. Hopefully it’s you (and only you…see numbers above).
13) You have more hair on your neck than your face. I know, I know some guys are hairy. Hell, some girls are hairy. Some guys bald, some women bald. I’m telling you I get it. But if you are choosing to to shave your face, go ahead and take that razor towards your neck until we get to that chest area. GENTLY. I’ve never shaved my face, but I straight up cut my leg once when I was 15 shaving my legs. T hat shit’s no joke. Btw, I wax my legs now and I might put that info on my profile.
14) picture is super duper pixel-y its 2015, Boss. take a picture that isn’t blurry. don’t zoom into an old picture so much you have no features. Help yourself out here.
Tada!
Now. What have we learned? We’ve learned I am on these sites. That’s personal…and weird to admit but it’s the 21st century, I have a smart phone and on occasion play the role of Dumb Self. Mostly these sites or applications are used for sheer entertainment, like an actual game. They are “ego boosts” for when you Swipe-Right and it responds with something like “It’s a match!” and I go “awwww yay! he thinks I’m pretty” and then I move on. I rarely contact people. I have, though. Few times. I’ve been mostly let down by the stereotypical stupid-guy just wants to get in my pants conversations. Those are always brief. Couple times I’ve met someone in person and there’s nothing there. No connection. No chemistry. Nothing. And that’s a bummer, I suppose. It would’ve been quicker to see them in person first and not-feel the magnetism, than go back and forth first. I mean…Which is actually easier?? Is it easier to weed them out then meet in person, or see each other in person and see if there’s anything more there?
I like the latter, honestly.
Now, I’d like to take a quick moment and say there are single parents out there, who can’t get out there and sometimes these sites and applications are the only Way Out. Virtually Out. I get it. I can’t relate, but I get it.
Still, humans are different when you allow yourself to physically see and be seen. Put your phone down once in a while. You could miss something if you’re always looking down and playing games. 😉
Aiyani Mersai 