Aiyani Mersai

After a terrible week I enjoyed Thanksgiving in Nipomo where mom and rik live with some family friends. The feast was awesome. All my siblings were able to come and hang out. We played "Catch Phrase" with everyone at the house and ben and I polished 3 bottles of wine off. So Rik drove us to my house and we had a sibling slumber party (minus sister, sad face – but that’s okay) . We watched the original "V" for Visitors, the mini series from the 80’s (since they are doing a remake of some kind right now. I dont’ know if it’s a mini series or TV series but I’m told I would enjoy it) then Friday morning I made pancakes. It was really fun having my brothers stay with me. It felt so weird when jack moved out with zero notice. He was moved completely out of the house in a day and a half. He took things like the broom, but not the dustpan. Afterall, *I* bought the dust pan.

I don’t know. My experiences with roommates was about the house, when someone left. For example, and this is hypothetical, but the value and principal exist: When I was at the barn and left, I didn’t take the toaster because I didn’t need it and it just would have gone to storage. So…I donated it to the house. I didn’t take the broom just because *I* bought it, and leave the dustpan. If I didn’t need the broom, I left it…with the house

I need to digress. I’m still holding a grudge about how he left. I’ll get over it I’ sure, until then I hold resentment for the way he left. The zero notice and the petty behavior upon his departure. This is just my opinion though, I’m sure his side is different . Sigh. I guess I’m more upset at the principal, not the fact. AGain, I’ll get over it.

SO – the house felt weird, and I was glad my brothers could stay and play, and Whitney (ben’s girlfriend) also stayed to balance the estrogen.

Then I went to look at a couple houses with boyfriendJenn. She and Mr. Gutter are looking for a house to rent. One of them was on a street I grew up on. We actually moved to that street when Ben was Baby Samuels age – it was cute. shrug.

Then I came home for a bit, made Mark a couple hot dogs, made me a chicken sando, went to BoyfriendJenn’s for some stew, then out to See Canyon Ranch to visit with Grace K where we had Costco pizza and dessert and just hung out for a few hours. Me, sister & double T and R.i.k. It was good to be out of the house and not be home thinking about all the bullsh*t that went down in the past week.

A good friend of mine, Roxanne, had some strong helpful words for me which I have been pondering over and over the past couple days. I’m sure what she said will help, at the same time I feel so stuck.

Things with Mark are better. We had a month long break, while living together, and I just couldn’t do it anymore. I missed him. Yes he can be mean, so can I. Yes he can be impatient, me too. And, I don’t know, other than the fact that we really need to learn to communicate better and calm down in order to understand and listen…hahaha…I miss him. SO – we are trying to go about speaking to each other differently. We’re trying to treat each other a little better and if it works out, fine, if not – at least we tried and I feel better for that.

I don’t know what the next step is.

Do I stay on the Central coast? Do I pack up and move somewhere else. Do i sell everything I have for a plane ticket somewhere?

Because right now, nothing is holding me here or holding me back. This week has changed so much, in so little time that right now I believe any option could become a reality.

In 7 days I:
– got fired
– tried to kick mark out for good
– asked him to stay
– was told the salon I work at my close
– was told the salon I work at might be sold and I could stay!
– had told the owner of the salon I couldn’t be on board because I needed to save money because I will have to move out
– was told my flat mate was moving out the DAY he was moving out
– was told by the landlord he wants me out in 30 days
– got a cold

how was your week and how was your thanksgiving?

Last night I visited with Kaza for 5 hours and 2 bottles of red wine, 2 slices of pizza and half a brownie, maybe even 2/3

jack and I began decorating for Christmas the other day. We needed some happiness in our lives.

It’s been so awkward here at…"home." I’m waiting for Mark to move out. Then Jack and I will live here by ourselves. Rent will go up for both of us, but we like our house. I’ve been sleeping on the couch after Mark got mad at something I said and whipped out the "Fine! Then stay out of my bed" bit. Don’t watch HIS TV and MY TV was in the livingroom where my new bed was. Shrug. It IS his bed. And I’m getting a queen bed tomorrow I found on craigslist for $50. Kevin’s gonna help me move it, so that will be helpful. I’m just gonna store it in the garage until Mark leaves. For now I’m gonna move my stuff down to Jacks room and move my few bits of furniture, dresser, some rolling drawers, in the garage as well. The land lord is going to cancel the old lease, so mark can be taken off of it and sign an addendum with Jack and me for the house. We will go month- to- month, that’s also helpful. We are going to discuss renting the garage out as a room/space and having that person share my bathroom. This someone, will not be a stranger – neither one of us want to put an ad up to interview strangers.

Now I’m home, by myself for the time being, watching Smallville Season 7 which I only saw half of when it was actually airing, so it’s fun to watch what’s been happening. I’m drinking Hot chocolate with Peppermint Schnapps introduced to me by Cincinnati, – yum. I’ve done my nails, a make shift french manicure with my trusty Q-tips and I’m sporting my new moratorium ring. As in "I declare a moratorium on things relationship, I declare a respite from the toils of liaison, I do need a breather from the flavors of entanglement, I declare a full time out from all things commitment" – Alanis – go Alanis. =) I bought one after Jeffrey and I split and got rid of it, so I bought another one – I like it. I also put earrings in. I have 3 holes in each lobe. Did you know that? But I haven’t worn earrings in YEARS. Surprisingly, I got all earrings in. just one hole gave me a little trouble, but I got that one too. I feel a little bit more girly. Which in some ways I think is good, in other ways I think is…weak – or something. I can’t quite describe how I feel. Being "girly" or "feminine" for me is distorted in some ways. I have expectations of myself that are not being met and rediscovering or reinventing myself seems to be the way most of us girls go about things. Who knows, maybe I’ll do my hair tomorrow – it is a salon day after all.

Callin all Computer Geeks.

I have purchased a website. Ta-Da!!!!

I want it to be a place I have have tabs for my skin care, and tabs for my acting stuff. Everyhing I do and want people to know about it I want to find a way to put it up there.

I’m told I need to find a “host” so suggestions welcomed

I’m told to seek out website “templates” again, suggestions welcomed.

thank you for your help and ideas!!

Last night I stayed in Jack’s room. His fan makes everything cold sometimes. Shrug. And he encouraged me to move my things down into the garage, and his room.

This morning, Mark said he can’t stay in the house, which means Jack and I might stay put, or still move out to some place cheaper for the two of us. We’ll see.

Then I went to the salon for work, and he text me. “Dont’ leave me” it said. Then he said something like despite what he said to me, he still wants to be with me. I didn’t respond.

And later, he showed up at the salon. At 2pm to be exact. And we spoke for an hour. We spoke calmly, and specifically. Then he asked for closure and I asked what he needed. He asked for a hug. I stood up and wrapped my arms beneath his and around him.

I hadn’t hugged him in a while. He felt warm and strong. His arms gently wrapped around me, but firmly. He glided his hands over my back and tucked he face into my neck. I cried. I wanted to say everything was okay, that we would work everything out.

But it would’ve been a lie. We would’ve gone good for a while, and had another disagreement that would’ve escalated to an argument that would’ve been covered with more words and broken promises. Words I shouldn’t say, because it’s not right to tell someone you care then treat them with disdain and hatred just because you’re angry. It would be unfair to tell him I loved him, then hurt him because I can. It would be cruel to tell him I can change – when I don’t know if I can. it would be unjust … and just…..mean for me to let him think one thing when I mean something different.

And he is so much like me – he’d do the same thing.

Mirrors never lie

I have learned much about myself being with him. Things I thought I did that were okay or excusable. Actions that I believe in and bring reason to the table if someone disagrees with them.

When I hurt, I want to make someone else hurt – and that’s not good.
When I’m angry I want to get someone else angry with me, at me, for me – and again, that’s not good.

And none of it helps either.

I have to heal from old issues and “wounds” as it were from other experiences before I can think about being with someone again. I am not perfect, and I don’t want to be. But if I can’t respect myself and my choices and my own words, how will anyone else? And how will I provide those same things for another?

Actions speak louder than words.
Words echo and can hurt as much as a physical bruise.
But time, in time you forget the actual physical pain of something like an injury. A broken bone or bruise. Words imprint on the inside of you, and for some reason it doesn’t seem that time can break through the skin fast enough.

A year ago I was chased.

A man pursued me like “nobody’s business.” He charmed me, and said wonderful beautiful things to me. He’d send me messages in foreign languages for me to decipher while he was gone. He’d talk to me every night, and text me with “good morning miss mersai” every morning. He cared for me, he held me. He flew out to see me. He took me to dinners and breakfasts and lunches. We rode horses and shot guns and went to see plays and layed in bed all day. We watched movies and the Sex and The City series. He encouraged my business as an Esthetician. He celebrated the holidays with me, and met my family and I met his family. He played his guitar for me, and I played the piano for him. He touched me and lusted after me. He loved the way I looked and the idea of having me on his arm. He told me someday he wanted to marry me, and once said “forgive me for telling you I want you to have my children before you’re sure you want your own.” He celebrated birthdays and events with me. Then we moved in together.

And during all that time of fun and nonsense and cherish and wonderment, we fought. A lot. we fought about the way you talk to someone. how you speak to a stranger sometimes nicer than to your loved ones – supposedly and that That wasn’t okay. We butted heads, all the time. We could never agree on anything. He wanted respect, I wanted love. he wanted approval and I wanted attention. We could never satisfy the other or be satisfied.

Then it got worse than that.

Then with everything he could, in a chat on yahoo he left the caps lock on and told me everything he REALLY thought of me.

And it ended. it ended the way it always seems too. the way I somehow always knew it would ever since he fought with me about “propriety” over BBQ sauce in Vista during a weekend visit. It ended with harsh words and his guarantee that men will always end up hating me.

That one stuck, and it probably always will.

When a man demoralizes you – you stop believing
When a man puts you down – you lose your self confidence
When a man swears at you over and over with furosity and contentment – you shut down
When a man demands your respect, but doesn’t earn it – you do not respond
when a man talks over you, as if you don’t exist or what you have to say doesn’t matter – you stop caring about his words
when a man stomps on you, while trying to stretch you to his own expectation – you feel defeated.
when a man makes you cry – your stomach hurts and so do your eyes
when a man refuses to follow through even with the simplest of tasks – you don’t believe his word
when a man makes a guarantee and it doesn’t happen – you are disappointed
when a man calls you a selfish brat – you want to be
when a man says he won’t leave – you have to find a way out yourself, and you begin the search
when a man ultimately wants you to be someone else, you cut the strings, pick up all the pieces that broke off…and my guess is, you start all over again – but its just a guess.

I saw a shooting star tonight, and I surprised myself with what I wished for.

Recently a co-worker was let go from out company.

um.

Recently someone in my department was terminated.

hmm.

Last friday, the front desk manager was let go at my hotel.

well…

Last friday, my very good friend, who is also my flatmate, and oddly enough he was my manager – was fired.

And Then – one of our front desk agents also quit, 6 hours later.

Resulting in:  My small struggle to be supportive and sorry for my friend, while I keep my job for the company that released him.  My disappointment for the abandonment of a co-worker with zero warning leaving me to work longer and the small resentment I have of the company and who runs it and who was apart of the near conspiracy to have him released.  That and I have stepped up to re-work the schedule knowing the lead agent won’t because she doesn’t like it there either, and 

I have no idea what’s in store.

But I have 40 hours this week, which I need – but what is it worth in the end.