I used to take more pictures.  I used to comment and write more.  Used to this, used to that.  Then I just stopped.  And now–that sluggish behavior has practically ruined my year in review post! Boo.  My own fault.  However, we do have some representation this year, and perhaps I’ll do another Year in Review with just pictures of food I ate, because that’s what I have the most pictures of, Food. heh.

As we recall, ringing in 2012 was uneventful.  I was crying because my boyfriend moved out while I was at work, and told me this via text.  Of course I wouldn’t actually put that IN the review because I cared what people thought of me.  And I wanted no pity.  But starting the year off feeling abandoned is not how anyone wants to start “anew.”  So here’s to honesty.  Maybe this years review will tell you how things actually went down, then up, then down and so on.  Happy, sad, shrug–let’s go.

JANUARY

A day or two after “My Darling” moved out, he moved back in and we ate home made pizza, a lot.  It was addicting and delicious.  Robear was gearing to move back to CA (her fiance would follow in June), so she and I had a (few) Last Girls Night Out, and even got all dolled up for each other.  At some point in January I was violently ill with food poisoning.  It was, by far, the worse bout I’ve ever experienced.  And I can no longer eat salmon burgers.  I also can’t stand to hear people pronounce the L in salmon, it just bothers me.

FEBRUARY

I was content pronouncing this month as Febriuriary for as long as Ro could stand it.  I didn’t care if the boys couldn’t be bothered, heh.  I cleaned a lot.  Ro left early Feb, and I had time on my hands and wanted to be productive.  Pictured here is something I found in the freezer.  One of the ice trays has a small crack and over time will leak and create ice statues in the freezer.  Said ice trays were not replaced until June, good times.  Andrew moved in and took my old room, and I (with Sam) took Anthony’s old room.  This year was obviously going to be one for the records of most boring–or so I thought.

MARCH

I took quite a liking to random signs or things in general that made me go “hmm” (yes, just like the song).  I also began a Financial Course online that made some great points, had some great lessons, and I’ll probably do it again when i’m not living paycheck to paycheck.  And there is a goal for that.  Time to start hustling (no not like that, I mean work until I catch up, then fall over, then sit up and say “okay, lets take that course again”)  I missed my family and was getting pictures from my sister almost daily, and the drama of my personal life was still a yo-yo.  But hey, there was this Mannis Water Soup Mix I found.

APRIL

Now THIS.  THIS Month rocked because of my brother, Rik.  See, my sister was having the Ngasech, which is a Palauan celebration for the birth of your first born.  Up until a few days prior to the celebration I was not going to be able to attend.  But my brother flew me out there as a surprise to my sister and my Dadda (and other family members as well).  I remember coming around the corner in my sisters house and just watched her and our Aunties getting her all ready, then she glanced up and froze when she saw me.  Tears! I was amazing.  And I got to see Bennett (hadn’t seen him since October and he was just a week old then) and he took to me right away.  We danced and played.   I ate food.  It was very liberating and I finally felt like a new year had begun.  Titanic was re-released in 3D and you bet-your-ass I went.  And in IMAX.  Bring it.

MAY

Daaaaannnnaa.  I see her a few times a year because when she comes out to visit family, I get to have a play-date as well!  I actually started cooking this month.  I used the stove and oven and broiler like I wanted to prove something to someone.  And maybe I even did.  The hard part was having time and energy to do so.  The “Darling” had complained that he always did the cooking, so I guess I needed to prove him wrong.  What’s nice is that I still like to cook here and there.  heh.

JUNE

Smurf moved out here in early June.  Arrived with nothing–although that wasn’t on purpose…the airline lost his luggage…it still sounds spontaneous, am I right?  Ahh, the summers in NY.  Thus far my experience with humidity has not been fun.  I doubt that will ever actually change, but I only deal with it from one place with a/c to the next.  My skin looks great during the summertime here.

JULY

I made Independence Day Sangria.  And that stuff was DELICIOUS.  Should’ve made more than three-bottles-of-wine worth. heh.  I started getting better at making pancakes, too.  I took my written exam for my NY Esthetician License.  um…during July I busted out a couple more “Your NY, My NY” moments including Coney Island and Obscura.  Which was fun.  This month, however, proved a huge turning point in my relationship, and life, as a drunken saturday evening lead to the beginning of the demise of my relationship with Sam.  All in good time. All in good time.

AUGUST

I met a new friend and we went out looking at shoes just because.  The photo here is at DSW.  August 10th Sam moved out with words like “I still love you and want to be with you” Then he moved on to a new relationship 3 weeks later.  Shrug.  Life is just something, sometimes isn’t it?  So broken hearted I tried to refocus on other things.  My career, getting my esti license, and I dialed my drinking back.  Way back.  I began collecting pink colored things to send to my sisters friend, who was pregnant.  I wanted to send a box of random stuff–and so it was.  hahaha.  More importantly I had a frappucino that looked and tasted like Mint n Chip ice cream!

SEPTEMBER

My friend Sloan helped one of my dreams come true by helping me get a ticket to see Madonna on Tour!  Yankee Stadium!  My brother and I found a restaurant called Harlem BBQ and they have big fun blended drinks and burgers stacked 3-high with meat patties.  Damn.  I finally took my practical exam for my esthetician license, although I was late getting there and seemed fairly out of place compared to everyone, I thought I did alright.  Daaaaannnaaa had also come for another visit and we had crumbs cupcakes and sat at Bryant Park.  She bought me a book I wanted to complete my Twilight Collection (yes.  Twilight.  Get off me)  It was a dollar plus tax.  Pretty sweet-sauce if you ask me.  I love Book-Off (a store).  Oh, and my housemate Andrew sliced his thumb almost severing a nerve and getting to the bone.  He’s got a good story now. heh.

OCTOBER

I’ve seen and even spoken to briefly, a few celebrities whilst living here in NY.  But I actually got a bit starstruck with Steve Guttenberg.  My Maamm and Sister and I used to watch this movie “Don’t tell her it’s me” over and over and over.  Hilarious.  He was pretty cool, and I want to stalk him a little.  Maybe more than a little.  What else? My friend Shannon was in NY briefly and I got to see her, it’s been years and years and it was super fun playing catch up.  And after buying paint for Smurf’s room in June, we finally painted it.  The color was a surprise, it had been such a long time since the purchase. heh.  I received my NY Esthetician License! And, halloween plans and days bookending halloween were lost to Hurricane Sandy.  Lots of people lost their homes, and belongings.  Smurf, Andrew, and I stayed home and watched movies for about 3 days and the worst we got was some pretty harsh winds blowing the trees horizontal.

NOVEMBER

“WELCOME TO THE HIMALAYAS!!!” That’s what Smurf and I shouted as we ran up to our brother by luggage claim at JFK on November 5th.  (This was not only stolen from Monsters Inc, but years ago when I came here to visit Kaza, she said the same thing).  This was such a fun month.  We did as much as we could providing our time restrictions for work.  Andrew and I voted, just across the street.  That was convenient.  I also made Thanksgiving Dinner for the first time ever.  Invited several friends over and it was pretty awesome.  I brined the turkey for a day or so, made the graham cracker pie crust for the pumpkin cream cheese pie, among other fun stuffs (yes, stuffs).  AND I created Auntie Nani’s Pumpkin Pie–tini.  BAM! I was also hired on at Equinox in their Spa

DECEMBER

Not what you expected, right?  No holiday picture, Mersai? Well, holidays are a little more something, and a little less something else this year.  Not necessarily bittersweet–just very different.  Growing up where traditions are super fun, it’s hard to accept that we’re all growing up and have to change the rules a bit.  What matters is that I absolutely video chatted with some of my family for a couple hours.  what matters is that some traditions were kept.  What matters is there was a great deal of happiness and laughter.  Christmas morning I made brunch for me, Andrew, and Smurf.  And as with any “real” brunch (hehehe) mimosas were involved.  heh.  Mimosas turned into other booze, which turned into an outing to Marie’s Crisis and booze! Which resulted in me getting home around 5am.  wow.  So that happened.

New Years Eve.  I celebrated with a few good friends, and some of their few good friends.  I drank Papa Douglass’s Egg Nog (yowza) Auntie Nani’s Cranberry Cider (yes you add booze).  I ate food and I wore my mask–it was the Black and White Masquerade.  Hopefully it will become an annual thing.  oooOOOoooo

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Books I read:

I have so much I want to say.  So much that is on my mind right now, and I have no energy left in me to say it.  I am exhausted mentally and emotionally.  I want to just close my eyes and write but if I keep them closed too long, I start to cry–again.  I’m so sad.  And angry.  I thought I was doing better.  Moving forward.  Just to be set back again.  Haven’t I taken enough bullets?  And isn’t it supposed to be a nicer time of year.

Dear Santa,

It hasn’t been a terrible year, in general.  There are moments I wish didn’t happen at all, and I’m definitely not one of those people who can easily say “it was a lesson” and whatever about learning from my experiences.  Because, as you know, I’m the princess.  And turn of the year embarking on that big title The Empress, is going to cause a lot of gossip and drama in some areas and bla bla bla.  It’s like getting the next degree in a line of education.  I think.  Anyway!  Stuff! yes, you are the King of Stuff and things during this time of year and what I have found as of late are the *things* I need in my life, are not *things* you can get me.  But since we’re going to focus on just stuff I want, or stuff-that-would-be-helpful to have or get, I’m going to bust out that old bullet point system in hopes that even if you think I’m a little old to participate in the Dear-Santa letters, at least I’ll have a list somewhere.  You know how I love lists.  

* Clothes.  That’s very vague I know, so maybe a gift card or twelve to places I could actually find clothes that not only fit but that I also like.  It’s just SO difficult to get both of those requirements.  And anytime I’m walking around I think of all kinds of comments and snide remarks about the “fashion” available to me with my size and my opinion of what I like.  

* Paint.  I want to finish the bathroom already, it’s been almost six months.  1 Quart of Home Depots Sapphireberry, semi-gloss, with primer in it.

* More paint.  Primer for the hallway, and “weathered sandstone,” eggshell finish,  from home depot.  And geez, that hallway is long so I have no idea how many gallons it would take.  3? Maybe one of the elves can measure it and do all that paint-math. 

* Stir Fry pan.  That one hanging in the kitchen has seen it’s final days I think.

* a wave on my student loans.  I know this one is popular with the adults, and I don’t want to be a statistic–but I am.  shrug. 

* Two new pillows for my room.  Those old ones are flat and uncomfy–royalty needs good sleep

* a Massage table.  for at home esthetician stuff like waxing and facials for my friends. 

* Wheely-Cart-thing.  um…let’s see, you know that bag I carry around right? The tote thing?  Well I’ve seen those little carts that you can put a bag on then use a strap or bungy cord or something to hold it in place so I can wheel it around.  That would come in handy, and I have no idea where to look for one

* An American Tail, and An American Tail: Feivel Goes West

I could go on with things that I just want because I see it and want it, but that seems a bit childish and I guess the whole dear-santa letter from me is already filed under that category, so I don’t want my card to also be dog-eared.  hahaha

Thanks, Santa

Love, Aiyani

This is good relationship advice in general.  (Not just from a man’s point of view after a divorce).

Single Dad Laughing, a blog

It is easier to despise, than love.  It is easier to hold a grudge than forgive.  It is easier to point fingers towards others to place blame. It is easier to be negative, than positive.

Breaks ups are more like breakdowns.  You look for the pieces that shattered everywhere that you really liked and try to make something whole again.  The problem with that one is that all that crap that also lay shattered on the floor, are pieces of the original whole fixture.  You will not be able to make something wonderful out of only the food memories, and then move on as if the crap didn’t exist.  It’s just not going to happen.  Trust me–I’ve tried on numerous occasions.  I’ve tried just smooshing the good stuff all together and making one big clump-o-goodness as if it was play-dough, but it didn’t look pretty.  Being whole should be pretty!!  At least, *I* think it should be.

So, then what?  Pieces everywhere.  Well, my next tactic is to approach the pieces as if it were a puzzle.  When I do puzzles I like to separate the edges from the inside pieces, and find all the corners, too.  Then I’ll separate color schemes or patterns and just…begin.  It does take patience, it’s okay to take a break and walk away from it, but once you finish it’s a real sense of accomplishment.  Here’s the problem with this one regarding the breakdowns: It now looks just like the picture but with weird edges and lines all through it.  Almost like a constant reminder of where everything broke down.  doesn’t matter if you shallack it and frame it so it can’t break again, the cracks and breaks are there and cannot be ignored.  And looking at it will be a constant reminder of the happy picture–with all it’s cracks and imperfections.  Being in love should be a perfection??!!!  Sigh, strike two.

Well, I’m not sure what else to try so my next, and final tactic to get over/through/whatever with the breakdown is to ignore it’s there until I can devise a new plan.  I will walk on the pieces and go about my day, brush them off my bed when I try to sleep and let them roll around with the dust and dirt that collects as I go about my day with the window open.  Hell, I’ll go about the entire WEEK or MONTH with that stuff rolling around, because I WANT TO FIND THE SOLUTION DAMNIT.

And all the while I have completely forgotten this idea: All the pieces do not solely belong to me.  They are things we created together.  The good AND the bad.  It was all done together.  And I can blame as much as I want, and so can he.  And we can argue about the same things over and over and over, and never make progress because…well…I think–Once you break it down the real images take place.  The fundamentals of any kind of relationship.  The deal breakers, the ideas, the attempts–all of that is the real stuff.  And sometimes it’s pretty.  Sometimes it’s not, and accepting it just for what it is, EXACTLY the way it is without changing it or, or trying to assemble it differently, is what the REAL picture IS.  And sometimes…that is not a pretty picture.

Sigh, again.  Well.  Hmmm, what now?

Grab a broom and clean it all up.  Wash everything off.  Reorganize what you do have, right in front of you, and realize that it’s all you need for now.  It’s not perfect, it’s not complete or the way you want it all to be, but it’s yours.  And now you can focus on what else you want to make just yours without having to share or compromise.  Be selfish.  Be alone.  And do it because you want to.  It will be hard, but that was one of the biggest fundamental pieces you disagreed on.  Ease vs. difficult. If it’s easy it can become mundane.  But difficulty, well that’s where challenge and gratification meet up to play chess on.