I need to remain in the moment.  Much of my time lately has been spent thinking “ahead” which inevitably overwhelms me with stress, anxiety, ending in tears curled up in my down comforter.  This was the same problem I had in school at PCPA.  My teachers urged me to stay present, they could “see” essentially that I was thinking to far in the future of the scene, or the movement piece.  Which is also what could possibly explain why I suck so much at improv.  People think I’m funny.  I’m a great storyteller, I’m animated, I use voices and gestures and this makes me funny to them.  I’m not funny, I’m just…those things I listed.  We’d be given little plot lines or situations at school, just as a fun warm up of some kind, and I could never truly an fully invest, my brain went to fast.  I watched, I’m a “watcher” apparently more so than a “doer.”  This “watching” ability allowed me to take in more than other people I was working with.  My senses were attuned, I was listening, seeing. touching, sniffing.  I did well with masks, I remember.  . . hmmm.  Anyway!  So  I have no idea what point I wanted to make…

Today I left for work at 7:30am.  I had my purse, and my duffle bag.  My duffle bag containing work shoes, hat, apron, gym shoes, pants, sportsbra, t-shirt, bandana, iPod & earphones.

Today I walked down 64 stairs, down the hall then down 4 more stairs. down 68.

I walked 2 blocks to the subway and down 32 stairs, swiped my metro card for the 1- train and waited for my ride to work.  down 32

I arrived at 34th street and climbed 32 stairs to the street, crossed it, walked into the Macy’s building and up 25 stairs (floor 1 1/2) and showed my ID and went to the elevator to go up to the 5th floor.  up 57

After work, I took the escalator down, to level one, walked outside and down 2 blocks to the A C E train entrance.  Down 30 (or so) stairs, swipe my card, down another 30 to cross under the platform, then up 30 stairs to the platform for the A-Train (express).  down 30, up 30

I take the A-Train from 34th street to 200th (this took 30 minutes) and I exit the train.  I go up 25 stairs to the street. up 25

I walk into Duane Read and buy a padlock, a purple one

I walk into the gym doors, Planet Fitness and down 21 stairs to the lower level where the weight machines and lockers are.  I change and lock up my stuff in a locker.  down 21

I walk up 21 stairs to the main lobby level, then up 24 stairs to the cardio floor.  up 43

I get on the treadmill where I lose track of time starring at the big red R for Radioshack and I am walking.  I walk at a 3.7mph speed on a 3.0 incline.  After 30 minutes, I begin running.  I don’t know how long I’m going to run, couple to a few minutes I imagine.  The next thing I know the treadmill is descending its incline and mph.  I ran 15 minutes.  I “cool down” listening to Freedom by George Michael and consider this time for my dance/walking.  I am not panting.  I step off the treadmill, wipe it down with the cleaner and go down 24 stairs to the main level and down 21 to the lower level for stretching. down 43

I do some ab work and I stretch, I finale my day at the gym during Halo by Beyonce (yes, I too was surprised) and I get my stuff out of the locker.  I head up 21 stairs to the main level.  up 21

I walk 2 blocks to the train and down 35 stairs and swipe my card and wait for the train.  down 35

I get on the train and ride a few stops and switch trains to get to my stop.  I exit the train and climb 32 stairs to the exit, than up 32 stairs to street level.  up 64

I walk 2 blocks and walk up 4 stairs, then down a hall, then up 64 stairs to my door. up 68.

I don’t do math.  But that is approximately down 229 stairs, and up 308 stairs, with my purse & duffle bag.

A fun fact: there are no stairmasters in the cardio room at my gym.

I came home and sat on my bed in silence for a couple minutes until my stomach yelled at me.  I fed it.

And now, I’ll watch True Blood from this past sunday, then shower and do it all over again tomorrow.  Give or take a stair here and there, give or take the treadmill and time spent on it – as in, maybe tomorrow I’ll do something else at the gym.  But the stairs, my small victories of getting here and there, they will exist just as they are, tomorrow.

Write about:

July – Jazz Mafia

August – Central Park with Ro, Shotgun Wedding Quintet, and Florida

so, I read a book.  After the book I took the “profile.”  Its like a quiz to find out what my “primary love language” is.  What’s yours you wonder?

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/

I couldn’t decide if it would be worth it to try to sleep or not.  I had no idea how many songs he would sing, how long the line would be, and what if I had to go to the bathroom??? No, no I’m not 23 anymore.  I can’t stand in line for 3 hours, to be let in, to wait 3 hours until the concert starts, to wait through two bands until I see him.  No, I couldn’t do it.

Hello smart website people out there that might read this.  I have purchased a domain I would like to build on.  I don’t know what I’m supposed to do as far as getting it “designed” or finding a “host” or even what those words mean.  Suggestions welcomed, please and thank you.

-me

Its just, not that exciting right now I guess?

By around day 25 of my healing from a broken heart-ness, I stopped crying.  Now, some people thought the next step for me would be anger, or something that pushed me forward to the next step which is something like “action planning” or “making changes” in whatever.

They were right.

Sort of.

New York has a way of making me feel like if I stay down for too long, I’ll miss something.  At home, home that I miss – I do, you can fall into a rut, and stay there.  Sometimes for months, sometimes for years, or so “studies have shown” or “rumor has it” would go.  New York is hot, and humid.  The heat wave was apparently the third this year and we’re expected to have a few more.  I’m thankful for the air conditioning my wife and husband-in-law had in their garage, and I’m thankful for everyone who helped pitch in some money to ship it to me, because I have finally slept comfortably for a little over a week now.

Sleep.

I had lost so much of it during my crying.  I had lost some of myself as well.  Pieces I don’t think I want back, I gave a part of me to him for a reason, and somehow I know it would be tainted, or moving backwards if I asked for them back.  And here in NY, they make you move forward.  The train won’t hold for you just because you didn’t wake up on time.  If you’re standing by the train door and someone needs out, they will move you, and not politely.  There is a carelessness of human feelings and personality that I have seen.  Maybe its the heat, maybe it’s because we all really DO have somewhere we’re going and the tourists really DO get in the way by stopping in the middle of the oversized sidewalk or crosswalk to take their next great NY photo.

I found myself watching the ground the other day.  I used to look people right in the eye if they passed me, or I kept my eye on my target; where I was heading, but I always had my head up.  I put myself in check and asked myself why I was looking down. Was it the sun was too bright and reflecting off every window and light colored building and sidewalk?  Was it because I was ashamed?  Was it because I wanted to make sure I didn’t step into dog shit?

I decided it was the dog shit.  Everyone around where I live has a pitbull on a a spike collar.  They walk their dogs, their dogs crap, they keep walking.  I haven’t stepped in anything yet, but I guess I’ve had my share of shit happening for now.

I made it to the east side a couple weeks ago.  My friend Tara was in town.  Tara was in High School with me, and found me on facebook and we’ve played a couple times in the past few months.  It’s great to have friends that have been away and come back and you’ve both grown but you both talk the same language still.  I wish she lived here, and that may sound selfish but she wants to live here too – so really I’m just supporting her wants!  At any rate she was in town and staying with a friend that lived on the east side.  After work I walked 4…LONG ASS blocks to find the 6 train.  The 4, 5, and 6 trains only run on the east side and there was no other way to head over there.  I was thankful it wasn’t raining, I was not thankful of the humidity.  I found where she was safely, the neighborhood was cute and we had decided on going out for pizza after feeling poisoned by what seemed to be a gas leak…

Totonnos pizza.  Good, thin crust, little pricey and they had a bar.  She had a beer, I had a 7&7, her son had juice I think.  We sat “outside” which was more like sitting inside, without walls.  It was still the same kind of indoor flooring and it looked like they could pull down heavy weather curtains in the event of a storm.  the pizza was yum, the company was fun and I found a bus to take home.  It just so happened that the bus I took, is the same bus that will take me to and from school when that starts.

Ro and I saw Eclipse together.  IMAX.  Now, I don’t know how many people have or haven’t seen movies in IMAX but it can be overwhelming at first.  The gentleman behind us immediately asked if we were Team Jacob and I said well….he’s a little young and reminds me of relatives so I think I’m default Team Edward, Ro said Team Jacob.  Moments later the same gentleman leaned over and asked if we would like popcorn, I laughed and said I don’t have cash, he just repeated his question so I just said “sure, with butter in the middle and on the top” and he left.  Not a few seconds later his (assumed) boyfriend leaned over and said “do you want something to drink?” Ro and I laughed and I said “sure, sure I’ll take a sprite.”  I honestly thought he was kidding. And then there was popcorn and a sprite being presented to me.  We laughed more, said thank you and I said “go team Jacob” and after I saw The Taylor Lautner again, I applauded – with wide eyes and a dropped jaw.  How can you be 17 and look like that???  I digress.

Adam-from-the-band-i-brought home was in NYC for his summer tour with Jazz Mafia.  But he deserves his own post, with pics and everything.  =) So come back for that…

The NY postal service sucks.  But, …a lot.

The five flights of stairs up to my apartment somehow seem to be getting steeper and I think there is more of them too.

I can get anything I want to eat delivered right to my door, by placing an order online even!

I’ve been reading more, and this is very good.  This is a very good part of becoming who I am.  I am in transition and although I am not “eager” to change, it is happening, and I can’t/won’t fight it.

I am tired of the stares from the hispanic/mexican/spanish/domincan men that live, walk, and sit..around here.  I’m also tired of the black guys staring at me when I walk by, it’s obvious, and uncomfortable.  Not in an “uh-oh” feeling way, just…annoying. And if they’d bother to clean up their language, not shout, and pull their pants up over their ass I might bother to let them watch me walk by. shrug. rolls eyes.

I can get my hair cut from approximately 20 different “salons” within a 10 block radius.  Nay, just going 10 blocks in one direction I’d find 10+.  The odd part is they are “unisex” I put quotes because it’s in their name “Fe’s Salon & Unisex” “Sandy’s Unisex salon”  My guess is HERE if you don’t specify you’ll cut the hair of both male and female clients you won’t have any.  And, I’d like to know where all these people go.  Are they ALL cosmetologists??? I don’t know.  The gents, there are SO many gentlemen barbers, all with braids or bandanas, team shirts, low pants and tattoos with colors you can’t actually see.  I don’t know if they are only allowed to cut with a certain pair of scissors or only the clippers but it seems there are many of them – everywhere.  This may require pictures to prove it.  I’m on it.

I try to do something in NY once a week.  This last week I went to have gelato with my cousin, who was in town visiting, and we walked around and sat at columbus square and just chatted.  We related on how TV shows with people in NY are very misleading.  Will & Grace, Friends, Sex and the City – that’s not New York for 90% of the population, I’d say.  And some people say it’s too hard to raise kids here without help, but I see it everyday.  I see the moms and siblings and strangers helping the moms and siblings carry those strollers up and down those flights of stairs to the train.  I see it everyday.  Yes it would be hard, but if they can do it – I think anyone could.  Preference?  I’d prefer a building with an elevator and a designated driver for all my places to go and people to see, baby in tow.

But lets move OFF of the baby talk.

My thoughts are not as, certain – lately.  They are shallow and I’ve lost some compassion while here.  At least I’ve noticed, which means I can “fix” it.  Do I care? not right now, no.

I stay in my room, where it’s always 76-78 degrees and I go online, or I mostly just read. I fear my upcoming schedule of work and school it’s closing in on me.

I joined Planet Fitness with Ro, Antoan also goes there.  There are no classes, but TONS of cardio machines and weights.  I have to take the C Train to 168 and change to the A train to get there, and it’s only $10 a month.  Pretty sweet deal.  shrug.

I fear sporting the green apron will not provide enough money for me and I will need to seek something else out.  I am going to apply for a Temporary Esthetician License, which will  take 6-8 weeks to be approved once I’ve actually printed out the paperwork and filled it out and sent it in.  Then I have to prove I’ve signed up for a state board exam, which will cost money, and then I have to find a place to work.  Then school starts in september and i have to be prepared for homework, and rehearsals.

I hope I can do it.

I’m reading a book called “growing hope” in addition to my 2 other books I’m currently reading “Wicked 2:  legacy & spellbound” and “The Five Love Languages: Singles edition”

I’m single.

Which brings me back to having not cried over him for at least a couple weeks by now.  It’s improvement, its movement, its forward.  I’m in a very different place mentally, emotionally, and physically then I ever have before.  But I’ll leave that to another post, as well.

It’s midnight, I’m going to read for a bit and sleep. And tomorrow The Park (Central Park) with Ro and our $35 massages at the massage school I found online in New Jersey.  Then perhaps the movie Inception.  Looks like tomorrow will be a Yay Day.

For the past say…7 or 8 years I have gone to an annual BBQ in Grover Beach, CA. Richie always hosts an amazing party 2 blocks from the beach at his home. I remember when his back yard was just a mass of dirt and dead grass. And over the years he has made his backyard his own private paradise including but not limited too tiki torches lighting the path from doors and gates to the lawn, a garden, a jacuzzi and a ginormous bbq pit with a hand made table at the perfect snacking and leaning height for any social occasion. The trees are tall and beautiful enough to shade you and keep you cool and the bon fire pit, yes he has one of those too, keeps us warm after the sun sets. On a few fourths we had karaoke and rocked the entire neighborhood. People bring their kids and beers to share, their husbands, wives, girlfriends, brothers, uncles, cousins, best friends and everyone else and its actually an honor to be invited. 7&7’s are had, all. night. long (echo all night…all night) until the sun sets and some of us stumble the two blocks to the beach and sit on the sand and watch the pismo fireworks from grover beach. In addition to those fireworks people are setting off their own. It’s a mass of bodies only lit by fireworks and the moon. Some people bring lawn chairs, most of us just sit right on the sand minding where we place our zories (most people call them flip-flops – they are zories!…ahem) and occasionally switching from sitting indian style to legs stretched out. After fireworks, some people go home, others go back to Richies. Depending on how drunk I am I have passed out in the backyard, on a couch, on the front porch, on the lawn or have had a designated driver. There was one year where my phone died and I kept calling boyfriend jenn only to drop the call after I slurred the words “will you come get me?” Good times.

Sunday July 4th in New York came faster than I thought, marking my 2 months here. Still in an adjusting phase to where everything is and without any Richie BBQ plans I took a mini shift at the green apron making it a 7 day shlepping week, shrug. A couple days prior Ro said a couple people might come over for drinkies and fire works on the roof, so I had that to look forward too. I woke up on sunday, to the heat as usual since I moved here. Peeled my sweaty sheets off my body and drank some water. I had some cereal and got dressed for the green apron. I texted Richie and told him I was going to work and after would purchase the makings for 7&7 and wish I was there with everyone. He texted back “cheers” Oh good. =)

The Green Apron in Macy’s on the 5th floor is one of the 2 smallest of the 4 that reside in the building. There is no place to sit, it’s sort of an “express” stop. People come in and get their beverages and continue shopping into the petite section or shoes. Lots and lots of shoes on the fifth floor. And Macy’s on 34th street is a tourist attraction. I don’t have any “regulars” that I can get used to. Well, a few employees here and there but for the most part the people that come up to the counter speak a different language. French, German, Italian, Spanish, Swedish – all of whom know very little english that the “common” language we speak is a made up version of international sign language. I sometimes wish I had people on camera with how they describe wanting something hot or cold or ice blended, or coffee or not coffee. At the end of the transaction I typically help them figure out what coin they can use and gesture to the end of the bar, where their drinks will be. They are, for the most part, thankful. The only people who seem to be completely pissed or put off by me are the ones that ask if I speak spanish, and when I say no they just look at me like “well…why not – you look like you do” I don’t take it too personally but it is already getting a little old. The Fourth of July would be no different. If anything it was busier, with more travelers and most of them asking where and when the fireworks were. I honestly didn’t know. I knew Macy’s was doing…something..but we don’t get told about stuff like that. We don’t work for Macy’s, we work IN Macy’s. So the best I can do is say “try asking a Macy’s associate” and they look at me like “but you WORK HERE” and I have to shrug it off because they won’t understand too much more than that anyway.

At any rate. The shift I accepted on sunday the 4th was from 1pm – 5pm. A cute, mini shift. Busy, busy, busy and then time to go home. Got home to the oven that is our apartment and took a luke warm mostly cold shower to attempt to cool down. I had Ro pig braid my hair, waxed her brows and mine and she paid me with a cocktail. A strawberry mojito.

Its kind of one of the best set ups I’ve ever had. A bit of wax here, a bit there and I get drinkies. hehehe.  Ro had curlers in her hair, super cute and although I didn’t nab a pic of her sporting them, I got an after shot.  Her hair doesn’t hold curl very long, but it was so pretty, so I took a pic.  heheheh. she wore a dress too.  Now, i understand dresses can help keep the temperature of your body down cause you’re not all covered and constricted, but I just can’t seem to sport them very well.  Yes, I have dresses – I rarely wear them.  Ro, can sport a dress everyday, and their cute and not annoying.  You KNOW the dresses I’m talking about on those skipper dolls, they’re annoying.  No Ro though.  So.  Good.  Glad we understand each other.  Antoan could practically smell the fun once Ro and I started sippin’ on our cocktails and he emerged from his bedroom and immediately wanted one, of course.

After drinking a couple of these I went to the store and got my standard 7&7 that Richie and the boys introduced me to years ago.  SOME thing had to be the same.  =)

People started to appear and the sun began to set.  Everyone was snacking and drinking

and hanging out in the living room. I took as many pics as I could until my battery died.  And my new camera is not one to just replace the battery.

It charges.  This is great because it saves money, but if it dies I can’t replace it and keep taking pics, I have to charge it and wait.  Shrug.  Eventually it was dark and the fireworks were to begin at 9:20.  We all trekked up two more flights of stairs to the roof.  This is when my camera died.  So I went back down stairs and plugged the battery in and went back up stairs to watch the fireworks.  They bright, but in the distant.  It was nice outside, still very warm but a nice

light breeze.  Everyone stood and chatted and watched the fireworks, then chatted.  And after what seemed like at least 30-45 minutes later we all made it back down the stairs and inside the oven that is our apartment. Pizza was ordered and people were still drinking and now we were dancing to Lady Gaga in the kitchen.  Rabekah Pearl came over.Hadn’t seen her in a couple years, since Lightning in a bottle – she had met adam-from-the-band-i-brought-home.  hahaha.  sigh.  Anyway.  She came over and we drank, and chatted and I found out she lived in I

taly for a year.  Dude, I’m envious all those far away adventures people are having.  Some day.  She also said I was funny, like comedian funny.  Go figure.  I’m only funny in the moment and only to my friends and family, strangers would just think I forgot my helmet. . .

At some point Ro & I for some reason went into her room and she showed me she still had her top from my wedding.

I tried it on over my tank top, couldn’t even zip it halfway up.  So I made other people try it on too.  They didn’t know why, or what I was doing, but they, the men, all played….

Matt was my personal favorite.  He put his arms through the straps no funny facial expression or questioned look and he raised his glass and posed.  Antoan wouldn’t play, neither would his friend Kenny.  Boo on the both of them.  BOO.

By the end of the evening I was nursing pina coladas and stumbling to throw trash away and do dishes for fear of waking up to a kitchen completely covered in cockroaches. . . It felt like 4 am and I was thinking about my alarm going off at 8am for work.  But alas, it was only midnight.  I cleaned up a bit after everyone left, Mattie and Ro helped and we all went to our bedrooms and slept.  Well, I tried to sleep.  It was too hot…but I laid there and could feel the alcohol making me more drunk, then coming out of it into a hangover just as my alarm went off.

Awesome.

Work the morning of the 5th was done in slow motion and things that were not that funny were hilarious and I was done by 2:30.  Thank goddess.