Aiyani Mersai

I went to Mongos tonight.  I was at my Group Weight-loss meeting..thing and it ran too late so I didn’t go to rehearsal and I dropped by Mongos in Grover Beach.  This place used to be Sunset Dunes.  This place that I remembered started to write out a new sort of history or group theory of some kind.  When I used to go to karaoke night there were definitely regulars.  There were "The Boys" Brad (the owner) and Rich and Dave and Captain and Lloyd and Glenn and them.  There were "the girls"  me, Kaza, Seanah, Brighteyes, Ro and Kitten.  And on the occasion you’d see people like Amy and Joel come out to play, Adriane and her sister, Jax made an appearance pretty often, and sometimes we’d even get Mandy down there with Chad and Loke from the North County.   And of course we had Kevin & Vicki and Colin.  And earlier on in the game we had Randy (I am your biggest fan) and his girlfriend Cortney.   Sometimes Sir Charlemagne came out to play and busted his version of Stray Cats and Roger Rabbit came along eventually too.  It was like a club. 

The girls at Mongos tonight were the opposite of whatever it was we ever were.  We used to make an entrance when we arrived.  We were all loud and ready to drink and party and hang out and sit in the front row and cheer and sing along and DANCE along.  I remember busting out the chairs and dancing to whomever claimed All that Jazz or Cabaret for the evening.  I remember the Thunder and Lightning sequence for when Brighteyes sang Total Eclipse of the Heart.  I remember the hard core sound behind Seanah’s voice when she busted out Bring me to Life. And I remember after Wicked came out and I was given the karaoke CD, Kaza or more affectionately then called "MahRooooomah!" and I would sing For Good and make ourselves cry or she’d sing Popular and I’d do my best rendition of Wizard and I or Defying Gravity.  I remember Kevin singing We All Die Young from Rockstar and how even today I get chills and have to scream with excitement, pulling me away from whatever conversation I was in at the time.  

But you know what?  Nobody does that at karaoke anymore, not at Mongos.  It’s not that family place anymore.  Yah I know the karaoke guy, and I know some of the regulars but it’s not as Party as it used to be.  It can be really lonely looking around and seeing the Twenty Something Year olds with their girlies just chatting, and they can’t be bothered to sing or have fun other than drinking their beer, tossing their hair and flirting with the Security guys.  They can’t be bothered to get up and sing together or separately.  No one grabs their boyfriend/husband and sits him on a chair front and center and sings "let me entertain you" the way Mandy used to.  No one sings Welcome to the Jungle and bust out into the splitz like Loke did.  And that classic old school mic that Kevin had brings back countless memories of watching kaza sing "maybe this time" and it somehow sucked you out of the present world into a time warp because her voice and that mic and the silence that hushed over the crowd when she began singing.  

No one buys you a drink if you are a stranger and they liked your voice or the song you chose to sing.  And I know I can’t turn the clocks back but sitting there tonight, with a couple Mongos regulars and I in my no make up and leg warmers, looked around and thought – I’m Thirty now.  And most if not all of my friends that I used to play with are married or have kids, or both or are far away having moved and it makes me ache …just a little bit for not taking enough pictures.  Or not buying enough shots or somehow celebrating that we were all together having a blast.  I love my friends and their kids, and their spouses – but I miss them too.  And sitting there tonight, pretty much alone (Mr. Man is working in San francisco this week) just made it more than a feeling of alone, I was lonely.  

And sure, I have new friends too that I play with.  Cincinnati has become an all time favorite, Hi we have matching tattoos of the number 99 to show proof of our undying love for each other and on Wednesdays you can find us at Mr. Ricks busting out Michael Jackson rounds, Show tune rounds, Paula Abdul rounds and Alanis or Sarah or whomever.  And I LOVE it.  I DO.  And when she busts out All That Jazz – I dance.  I’m much larger nowthough.  I’m less limber, I sometimes use a stool and spin around, or I sometimes use a chair but also every time I do it – I miss all the other girls who used to do it with me.  I miss karaoke being a show sometimes.  

Now when you see me at karaoke I rarely dance around, I’ll mostly steal the mic stand and hide behind it, Rockstar style so I have something to hold on to or perhaps create that barrier between me and this ‘new’ audience.  

And yah I see Kitten (Jen Law) and her son Peanut (Jacob) from time to time and she came out a couple weeks ago to karaoke.  I see Nahnnah (Seanah) and the Caper (Atreyu) here and again and she came out once a couple months ago. . . I haven’t seen kaza since 2006, wait, there was that time we had coffee and "hashed it out" slash listened to each others sides, I think that was last year in 2008.  Brighteyes I see when she comes down from the Bay Area, Adriane comes out when she can.  I still get to see Kevin and Vicki at Harry’s and that sometimes feels like home. . . and Yes – I get that a bar shouldn’t be home but when you dedicate time…I mean…like…Years to a certain group and then it all goes away slowly – you realize later it actually happened very fast and then you realize again.. . it’s all in the past.  

I don’t know.  Maybe I just miss my early twenties too much.  Maybe I miss dancing and theatre too much.  Maybe I just miss YOU too much,. . . all of you.  And all the changes you’ve made in your lives I’m proud of you, and glad I get to somehow be a part of it whether it’s reading your life here, or actually getting to SEE you – but I miss you and subsequently – I miss US.

Middle Path Medicine is in Arroyo Grande and the lead doctor is Dr. Gary Foresman and he’s doing this "lighten up" 4 week intensive program designed to help me lose weight and teach my body to use vitamins and nutrients better using some supplements and cutting out certain foods all together.  It’s not a diet, because its not designed to be a lifestyle change its more like a boost.  You know??  My mom and I are doing it together.  I’m 229lbs, ew, and today I took before pics.  If I’m brave enough, I’ll post one of two.  It’s embarrassing being this big, I’m not comfortable looking like this.   But after I also take pics and can compare my before to my after shots and use it to continue eating better and exerrcising and taking better care of myself, since I don’t do anything of that right now.  

Today I got a massage from Cincinnati.  That’s her nickname:  Cincinnati.  Her real name:  Carrie .  And she’s lovely and wonderful and I’m sad she wasn’t in my life until last summer.  Although YEARS ago we semi-knew each other and that was marinated in the drama of my second boyfriend laced with some he said/ she said crap.  Most importantly, NOW – 10 years after that drama we love each other.  We are SOO much alike and sassy and it’s nice.  It’s nice to be around her and know I can trust her.  I can trust more than I can trust some people I’ve known for longer.  

Best proof of our friendship:  we got matching tattoos.  Thanks. 

I need another job.  I need a second job to help supplement my building a clientele as an Esthetician.  It REALLY sucks to wake up and try to respond to a text Mr. Man sent me when Verizon shuts my phone off.  AGAIN WITHOUT WARNING.  Yes, I understand there are risks and consequences of not paying my bill.  But I never get a bill, paper or email , nor warning that they will turn it off soon I simply wake up and I can’t call out, or text out.  NOW.  I understand a have what they call "a billing cycle" and as far as I know I should be making payments on the same day every month.  I don’t know when that is, YES I could easily find out.  None of that is the point.  Those are the facts, my problem is the principle.  A LITTLE WARNING!!  I’m not TRYING to ignore my bill, I really like having a phone and my friends numbers so close to me I could text them whenever I wanted.  I feel safer driving knowing if something goes wrong I can make a phone call to AAA or the police or whatever . An email that says "hi you owe us $__.____ would be helpful.  I owe them $150.  Cool since I have $47 to my name and need to come up with $325 for rent at Roxy.  

Ugh.  I’m just frustrated.  I’m tired of being more than poor.  I’m tired of feeling like my poor mother has to deal with her almost 30 year old daughter living in her house because of a divorce and lack of funds to do anything.  

I TRY

I get online EVERYDAY and send out resumes, and have got maybe 3 interviews.  All of which LOVED me, but never called me back for the second interview or for the job.  I’m certain it has to do with my availability.  I work 3 days at Roxy so I’m looking or something the other days.  But if I have to give up skin care for a bit, I’ll have to – and I’ll cry. Alot.  I just wanna do something I like and get paid for it, I didn’t think that was asking so much.  I just wanna be able to pay my own car insurance and get an eye exam, it’s been 2-3 years.  I just wanna start paying my student loans and my credit cards back.  I just want to move out of my mom’s house and be an Adult.  

But instead I get shit on.  

Everyone needs a drummer.

When I was born to Sam and Candy Mersai on April 17, 1979 I was a month late. That’s right a month. My due date was March 13, and apparently I wouldn’t have it. My mother didn’t actually go into labor either, she had to be induced. I was delivered by Dr. Rice, my mom tells the story as She delivered me, and my dad says Dr. Rice was more like the catcher. I’ll take it. No big deal. I was 9 lbs 8 ounces, strong heart beat.

Mom said I was an easy baby. Didn’t cry or get sick. I made some noises when I was hungry and when I needed to be changed, and I’m told when I get hungry even now – I make those same noises. Some things never change.

My mom was excellent in the mom-daughter relationship as far as teaching me about body parts, what a period was, how to wear a bra etc. She was always realistic with me about money and although at times I felt a little to sheltered in my childhood, I think I’m a better person for it. I never really stayed at friends houses or did slumber parties at my house. I wasn’t allowed to go over to their houses after school. *I* had other responsibilities. Like homework and chores, then to karate or dance. I later appreciated the activities, but at the time didn’t understand how strong my heart was for handling all of them.

My dad taught me karate from when I was 6 until I was 17. I also taught once I was advanced enough. Those skills trained me to catch on quickly, retain ALOT of information and focus. After I stopped karate I realized I learned more than just those skills, I learned many lessons as well.

I was terrible in math, but great in english. I wanted to be an actor but I was too shy to get in front of people and ever DO anything. That is of course unless it was a kata or with my dance group. But that was different somehow. I did Tennis for 2 years, Volleyball for 1 year and threw the shot put and discus for 3 years. I did weight training in High School and in gyms once I graduated and left high school. I wasn’t super into cardio, although I could run pretty fast. No really knows that though, well Antoan did. He knew that in Junior High I clocked in the 100-yard dash 7/10ths of a second slower than the fastest girl in school. He knows that when I sprinted, it was never my fastest, it was fast enough though. meh.

My first musical that I auditioned for was "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers." Ro made me audition, I sang something from beauty and the beast that made them think i was a soprano. woops. I learned other songs later that were more in my range. Community theatre was an excellent outlet for me. I was creative, I was learning, I was dancing and singing and acting and moving and around friends that loved to do it too. Eventually with such a small community of performers you’d see the same people at auditions, the same people would get cast in the same kind of roles and the same people would be the parents, or the chorus or the background. We’d have the same choreographers, same light designers and same costumers. They were all great, we were one big happy family, with of course bits of drama here and there – like any other family. bla bla bla. Some could sing, some could dance, some would get tired, but I could recover quickly. I was probably 175/180 pounds.

I played the clarinet for two years in elementary school, was pretty good at it but come junior high I had to choose between drama or band, so I chose drama. 7th grade I was quiet and sat alone. 8th grade I was loud and making myself get out of my shell, it worked. I nabbed a lead role in both shows we put on. Both were musicals. Then people thought I sang "loud" it wasn’t until later I learned I was "belting" Even then I needed people to learn to stay with the music. Couldn’t they hear they they were going too fast? and it didn’t sound right? oh well. It was junior high, I weighed what – 140? 150lbs?

My senior year of high school I was in dance company and A Cappella choir. I promised my good friend Dave Brewer that I would audition for choir, so I did and I got in and I had to sport the Big Blue Dress. It was seriously the most horrid looking thing ever and a terrible fabric that showed your flaws and your sweat. Terrible, unflattering length with poofy shoulders and an odd square/diamond v-neckline. Not suitable for anything other than burning. I was around 170 by then. Muscles, rolls on my stomach were always there, I was tan, a 36 B and sometimes the rest of the choir still sped up. Some people just don’t get.

After high school I worked in a kitchen store for a year then started to work in the Hospitality Industry at The Cliffs Resort. After a few years there I moved on to the Embassy Suites in SLO as a Revenue manager. I was a size 12, and wore heels every day. I loved my job and my co-workers. I wasn’t too obsessed with going to the gym, I was 185. Then I got a great idea and went to pursue my acting career. I had an entertainment manager, and an agent and was living in burbank with my best friend. I had 3 jobs and was auditioning. We lived off of ramen, mcDonald’s coffee and yogurt with granola. Sometimes we’d splurge and get doritos and macaroni and cheese. The 99¢ store was our alleged grocery store. I can still hear the clinking sound every time an item was scanned and an "uh-oh" when it was scanned incorrectly…somehow. Eventually we just couldn’t afford the roof over our head let alone food in our fridge, did I mention that for the first 2-3 months there we didn’t have a fridge. We used an ice chest. Yah, good times. I left Burbank in 2004 weighing in at 221 pounds.

I had lived at my dadda’s house upon my return. He and his wife Terry were wonderful. It was nice to have a roof over my head, food and no debt – by the way I filed Bankruptcy at the age of 24. All I needed to do was pull myself together, get a job then go for it again. Only I didn’t tell my friends I was back just yet, or where I was. I wouldn’t take their calls, and I wouldn’t talk to them online. I was hiding. Not just from them, from myself. My weight depressed me, my LIFE depressed me. I started Sporting The Green Apron and experienced my love hate relationship with them, even transferred when I moved again to Vista.

In the midst of my return to civilization and STGA I was back at karaoke with my friends and ran into Michael Jenkinson, and some of his friends. I had sung Defying Gravity from the musical Wicked and they heard and had all encouraged me to contact Stephanie Courtney at PCPA to audition for school. So I did, then auditioned, got accepted and started Fall of 2005. I was 215 pounds but still limber, kind of strong and willing to learn. I got to school andbegan my love/hate relationship for that as well. Dealing with things like "oh you knew Michael Jenkinson BEFORE auditions for Beauty and the Beast? oh THAT’s why you were cast as a swing and understudy" Forget that I might have actually had a bit of talent. I shrugged it off, and proved myself to those ones, earned their respect and moved on. At the end of my first year the Conservatory Director Roger DeLaurier gave us a "pep-talk" about being second years. About the shape we needed to be in. That was mentally, emotionally and physically. I took it seriously and had already been doing Weight Watchers for a couple months at that point. I continued to stay true to my nutrition and exercise during the summer. Upon my return to school in Fall 2006 I was down to 200. That was a new balance of muscle and my beloved fat rolls. But I’d been in the 200-210’s for 5 or 6 years now, it wasn’t new, but it felt better. My heart felt better.

By graduation, May 2007 I weighed 190lbs. An all time low for my adult life and i was 20 pounds from my ultimate goal. I wore a size 14 again, comfortably and most importantly to me at that time – I was in love. I fell in love fast, got married fast and finished school happy and confident. A the end of the summer in 2007 my husband and I moved to Vista, CA for him to attend school at SDSU. It was a rough few months settling in, finding jobs and him going to school. I didn’t have any friends, well I had Mentor about 20 miles south of me and we saw each other when we could. That was nice. By March 2008 I began Esthetician school at The Palomar Institute of Cosmetology. I needed something to do that was for just me, that I would enjoy. I was a member of 24 hour fitness and took Gloria (my 1st generation iPod shuffle) with me and we’d make my heart feel better. The gym was my place. The smell of sweat, the sound of machines and the clinking of free weights felt more like home than my apartment did. This was the place my heart felt at its best. In May of 2008 my husband and I began our trial separation. He was not into communication and liked making decisions without me so he went to work in Santa Rosa and I was to stay home and finish school as well. Only, my heart couldn’t take it. I had no one, nothing. I had too much vodka. So I took a leave of absence from school for 60 days and came back to the Central Coast for a bit. I watched my nephew every day for a few hours while his parents went to work. I watched TV with friends, I went to karaoke and I didn’t want to leave.

In August 2008 my husband said he wanted a divorce, by that time so did I. True to my princess form I thought when I returned home he would say I was right, he was sorry and wanted to make it all work. I wanted him to fight for me, and instead he threw up a white flag. I was disappointed. Both in myself and in him. Some days it felt okay, sometimes it just wasn’t. And true to his form he ran away from any problem. He never liked to face problems, he liked to run away. It didn’t feel good to be thrown away, and I don’t know how it felt to him – but a part of me also just didn’t care anymore. I made myself stay to finish school. I would get something out of this year if it killed me. And in November I did finish school and I got licensed and I was home.

Living at my mom’s house. Twenty-nine years old, in the middle of a divorce and eating everything in site. Jobless in search of an Esthetician position and being pursued by a man who lived over 200 miles away from me. It was a nice ego boost, but who’d want me? What could I possibly have left to offer? I go out with my friends to karaoke, I rarely wear makeup. I’ve been wearing the same disposable contacts since September of 2008. That’s five months longer than I should. So I wear my glasses when I can, but my eyes are still getting worse and I can’t see all that well.

Being back in town allowed me the ability to see my friends plays at the drop of hat. Go catch a matinee, or just walk around downtown SLO because we can. It allowed me to go see Rik’s home games and have my dadda’s BBQ on a random weekend. I finally started working, but I still need to build a clientele. Being home meant Smurf and I could spend a whole day doing nothing but watching TV together and talking. Being home meant seeing my sister whenever I wanted and it meant I could finally see her husband’s band play. For a while Matt, Dan & Loren went by "MDL" as a band. Eventually they landed on a band name and "Each Passing Day" released their first studio album entitled "Welcome Home" and were playing in local coffee houses and bars. Their songs are reminiscent of days I’d sit back with headphones and a walkman chewing bubblebum. They were boppy here and sentimental there.

Of recent, they played at SLO Downtown Brew to fans wobbling in half broken chairs and screaming with applause after each song. In a closing number front man Loren Radis checked in with drummer Matthew Schmitz, my brother-in-law again making sure they were together. He had done this a few times during the night, which reminded me of something a teacher of mine once said at PCPA. In a Sing Tech class with Jonathan Swoboda he said the life of the song resides in the pulse. The pulse. Not the beat, the beat can change, the rhythm can change, but the pulse – was the life. It was the constant that allowed music to become. And in some strange metaphoric world where lights swirled I realized that for months, I’d had no pulse.

Loren Radis’s lyrics bounced off the audience like a giant beach ball. Those who knew the song sang along the way we do when we’re in the car or the shower, and we all sound twelve when we sing in a crowd. The sound of his voice was like a magic wand and with every crescendo parts of my iced over heart had begun to melt, and I reached over and grabbed Mr. Man’s hand, who was sitting next to me. Anyone who has never been dumped would categorize this song in the "just another break up song" place. Anyone who has suffered emotional heart ache and possible heart failure would call it an anthem. And it was more than the lyrics, it was the guitar, it was the base, it was the drummer.

It’s the pulse behind the front man
It’s the pulse, behind the front-man
It’s the pulse behind the front, man.

I’m 238.7 pounds and I just recently realized I’ve been without a pulse for months. For years my worries were small, my problems were few and I would blow them up. I’d make them bigger than they actually were. For years I’d set my mind on a goal and fight for it but I’d lose somehow. Then all of that went away and I got married. I was prepared to live happily ever after as the cliched couple where the actor married the techie. I was prepared to struggle, but come home to warmth. It wasn’t until I felt my heart begin to melt that I had realized it had been frozen over. I had stopped coming home to warmth and would go home to emptiness. I didn’t get that even though I was getting up and going to school and eating and functioning that I wasn’t a person anymore. I had become more than detached, a part of me was actually dead inside. Even after dating someone else and hearing them tell me to my face that I’m detached and they want to help, I didn’t understand – I wouldn’t. I had eaten myself into a depression blaming everything but the food and everyone but myself. And equally as horrible I was not taking out on family or friends, I was taking it out on a man I loved.

And in the midst of my strange rendition of a 60’s high, having no drug use to actually base it on – I thought to myself::::

Was I going to apologize for my childish behavior?
Would I ask him to buy me another drink?
When was the band playing again and where?
I missed some of my teachers
I missed some of my classmates
I was poor, but rich in other ways
Does my weight actually define me in any real way?
Should I wear make up for him more often?
I need clothes that fit.
I wished Cincinnati was here to listen, she’d understand – somehow.
Why did Jeffrey really want to be rid of me?
I miss the gym
Am I really that terrible?
Am I not approachable or easy to talk to?
I want to record the songs I’ve written so I have them
How cool would it be if they opened for John Mayer?
Does he do any Beatles songs?
Will Mr. Man play his guitar for me again soon?
Would he love me longer than the others?
Would he always pursue me?
Even after our fights, he comes back to me.

My life was telling me it wasn’t about just physical health, or mental health. It was also emotional.

And as I sat there reminding myself of what I’ve been through in almost 30 years I looked over at him and think of what the next 30 might do to me. And it scares me, and intrigues me but at least the beat is going on. At least now as the front man in my own life, I can check in with my drummer and know that I have a pulse. I know that my heart is on its way to better health, again. On with the show.

Hear the song The Show by Each Passing Day by clicking on the link.

Each Passing Day

I’d like to thank my parents for always encouraging me to do what I wanted to do and letting me live at their house when I had no where else to go. My siblings, you are a reason for anyone to keep moving forward. Your support in all my endeavors is the reason I’ve survived them thus far. To my friends, our playtime keeps me young and so do your children! I wish we could dedicate more of our lives to each other and more often. To all of my ex-boyfriends, former flings, and supposed boy toys – thanks for the lessons, wish it didn’t happen the way it did but I wouldn’t change it either. Sometimes drama makes for good story-telling. And here’s to my future, may you always come back to me.

Nobody Reads This, the Series was written from my point of view of my experiences. The only way I could somehow write exactly how I felt or thought I tried to keep in mind that journaling as if nobody read it, allowed me to be more free with my writing. Instead of purposefully writing for an audience. Thank you for the time you give freely to read my thoughts and opinions and experiences.

I haven’t written in a while, other than the "i’m moving to France" and that might change to London, actually.  None the less – big change.

Aside from that. I am "eh"

*  Work is exTREMELY slow, I need clients like no body’s business.
*  I am the largest / fattest i have EVER been in my life.  Even larger than my burbank stint
*  Mr. man and I were fine, then we weren’t, then we were, now we’re not – we’ll see what the next step is.  Relationships are hard and I have no patience and I’m detached and depressed and all of those things, awesome.
*  I have no motivation to do much, I lack drive.  I get excited about something, then I lose my excitement.  Now the tricky part is I don’t necessarily FEEL depressed, but I think I am.  I went through a different kind of depression last year, this is all different.  I feel content, then I don’t, then I do.
*  My immune system is horrid, I’m sure that has something to do with my weight issue as well.  another "joy"
*  I’m bored.

I’m going to move to France, more to come