Aiyani Mersai

 Ladies and Gents:

As of tomorrow morning, Saturday November 1, 2008 I will be without internet until tuesday night November 4th – when I get HOMEHOME!!!!  If you need me, call me (no matter where you are, no matter how far don’t worry baby!!) on my cel, other than that expect me to return emails and messages next week.  

That’s right folks. In five day I will be leaving Vista to come back / go back to the Central Coast; AG specifically to live with mommie while I financially recover from the fiasco that has been this year.  I took my "Mock Board" today and passed – this is good.  My teacher watched me perform a series of procedures  on a doll I call Beatrice.  And when I say "doll" i mean a manaquin (sp?…whatever) and when I say Beatrice I mean I named her at that moment.  I graduate on Tuesday November 4th and take my State Board Examination two weeks later on tuesday November 18th.  Gives me time to settle in at my mommies house, get drunk a couple times with friends, perform a wedding ceremony for a teacher I had at PCPA – awesome!!!!, and look for a job, and of course – go see Mr. Man. =)

I have little to offer you at this point, most of my stuff is packed up and ready to put in my car…in 2 days.  When I wake up saturday November 1st and leave my "dorm" in Vista and go to school I’m done with the apartment.  Janet, a girl at school, has offered her home to me for the weekend so that I am not homeless and showerless come tuesday.  Then tuesday after I clock out, sometime between 1pm and 2pm I hug the girls, my teachers, do a final tap dance for the Cosmo’s (cosmetology girls) and get in my car…and drive home.

It hasn’t totally hit me yet, but I know when I hug a few people I may start to cry.  These girls have been really great to me upon my return from AG when I was gone over the summer.  All of them were new to me.  There were only about 3 or 4 girls that I knew when I got back and the rest were all new but they all embraced me and welcomed me back and treated me like an equal – some even looked up to me, that was flattering.  

In other news and to slightly recap:

The weekend of October 11, 12 & 13 Mr. Man drove in from his home in Newark, CA and stayed in SLOville and we were together the whole weekend.  The following friday October 17th (that’s my half birthday) he flew out to see me.  Catch that folks. . . FLEW out to see me.  We had a great weekend and I took him to the airport on monday. . .then. . 3 days later he decided he missed me and flew out again on thursday October 23 and left sunday so he could be at work monday morning at 7am.  And now its wednesday and I won’t see him again in person until friday november 14th.  I kind of miss him.   I like the space, but still; none the less – I kind of miss him.   

This man literally sweeps me off my feet when I see him.  He just picks me up off the floor like….like its nothing.  This man looks at me the way no other man has….and I’ve stared at him just to make sure.  I don’t know what he sees, and sometimes when I get the guts to ask him, his answers are….better than wonderful, better than what I could ask someone to say, better than any line I’ve ever given a guy to say to me at any point.  

I …un-controllably like him, better than any boy or guy I’ve ever liked and differently as well.  Stay tuned. =)

Awesome.  Mr. Man flew out from his home in Newark, CA (by San Francisco) to visit me in Vista this last weekend.  He arrived friday, came and had lunch with me saturday at school, met the girlies and got a facial.  While he was here we had sushi, and hung out at The Coffee House (my favorite place, and the ONLY thing I will miss from here) had drinks at Coyote, went to San Diego and ate at The Hard Rock Cafe, went to Borders looked at books and watched 2 movies.  The Family Man & Equilibrium.  Equilibrium is the SICKEST (read:  Fooking Coolest)  movie.  And Monday he got on a plane and went back home.  He slept on the couch while visiting me, and my owner (that’s Jeffrey) knew he would be here – they met.

Now – I had a truly FANTASTIC time this weekend.  I ate more food this weekend then I did last weekend when we hung out for the weekend in SLOville, which was more food than I had had all week.

Mr. Man leaves, I get go back to my “dorm” (the place I stay while in school) in vista.  Jeffrey comes in and this is how the conversation kind of went:

Ai:  Hey, do you have some money you can give me for groceries and gas this week? (this is normally what I call my allowance, $20)
Owner:  No, there isn’t any money
Ai:  ok….(looks off to think about what she’ll do)
Owner:  There just isn’t any more money!!  I blew money on this apartment for this month so you would have a place to stay, I was being nice.
Ai:  um…..if you wanted me out by October 1st YOU should have said something.  I would have made it happen.  If you wanted me out you should have said something – but you NEVER say ANYTHING because you don’t understand what communication is.  You are SOOO lucky to be “recovering” from this with your friends and family right here for you.  *I* have people willing to fly out here to make sure I’m okay and make sure I eat.  I have family that will drive their asses down here to pick up stuff for me, but they can’t BE here for me if I need them right this second.  I am doing my best.  YOU said to not worry about getting a job, to just worry about finishing school.  That you would give me money for gas and groceries.  WE agreed we would not screw each other over.  Then you go and leave me here injured (when my back hurt), you empty the checking account and NOW it’s MY fault that you’re here because YOUR NICENESS…No – that’s bullshit.

any guesses on what his response was?….That’s right folks – his ONLY response:

Owner:  I have nothing to say

Ai:  I know you don’t.  You never do.  I never expect you to say anything, my expectations of you have been lowered and lowered and have become non-existant.  I’ll be here through the week because Smurf is coming to get stuff, and then I’ll just live in my car for the next week until I finish school.  I will sponge bath in public bathrooms.  Its not my first time Jeffrey.  You ever live in your car before??  You ever spritz yourself with water and the soap from the dispensers in a public bathroom?? No – well that’s because you’re lucky.

::::::

but you know – I’m not gonna leave after this weekend.  Eff.  I have 2 weeks til I’m done with school.  Which puts me here til November 4th.  We are out of this apt on November 1st – he can just suck it up, sack up or whatever and deal, I still have to find a place to stay for those few days.  Some classmates have offered their couches, that is appreciated.

I don’t even know who this guy is.  A year ago he was madly in love with me.  6 months ago he loved me still, 5 months ago was the trial separation and 2 1/2 months ago was when he declared divorce.

party.

“marriage isn’t what I expected” – he said.  And as long as I’ve known him he runs away from conflict.  Talking about any issues was never allowed.  He would check out.

And in the last 6 months I’ve been tossed about emotionally and financially.  I’ve been lied to.  I’ve been told one thing then other things happen.  I was lost because he refused to communicate ANYTHING, that’s good or bad folks.  I was placed in the position to accept that he will not compromise, anything for “us.”  And you know what – I’m over it.  I do not have trust issues because of this guy.  I still trust my family, my old friends, my new friends and I do trust Mr. Man.  What I’m over, is the part of me that settles; the part of me that tried to “train” someone or “fix” someone.  That’s a HORRIBLE THING TO DO.  People train animals, not other people – my bad.  People fix broken inanimate objects, not people – my bad.

I am a work in progress but I am more sure about the things I want for me, and what I expect from people in my life than ever before.  That goes for my expectations of my family, my close friends, and any new people that come into my life.  If you don’t cut it, you will not be cast – even for an episode in my life let alone a season, or the series or  summer blockbuster.  You will not be invited back for any sequels and you will not be mentioned in the paper back version.  You will be out.  No deals.  Done.  No hard feelings – thanks for auditioning, we went with someone else.  Take Care.

I am well.  I promise.  I am hungry, not starving, but I am well.  I am poor, still have a roof over my head and indoor plumbing and clothes on my back, so I am well.  My credit card companies are getting a little angry with me for not making a payment in 2 months, but I am well.  My owner didn’t pay our car insurance like he said he would, but I am well.  I will be done with school in 2 weeks from today providing I don’t miss any days.  My State board examination is set for Tuesday November 18th, so I am well.  Minus the school part this is who I was circa 2003 and interestingly enough, Mr. Man was around (albeit briefly) then too.  Call it fate.  Call it karma.  Call it funny or interesting or whatever you want, you are at liberty.  Have a great time with calling it something.  =)

I am loved, by really important people.  People that have always been here for me and help me out any way that they can – so I am well.  I am surviving because I am strong and because I have learned some lessons here and I have a scar to prove it.  I….Love….Scars.  My views on some things have changed and I have only recently been able to understand or touch upon the ideals of Love & Respect – but I’ll take it, I’ll ride it out – the wave seems to be pretty sweet and I’ll let you know if I wipe out or not.

I leave you with a dual action question.  What is a soulmate, and do you believe they exist?

peace. love.  chocolate.  (preferably dark)

Happy Birthday to You
Happy Birthday to You
Happy Birthday dear John (Mayer)
Happy Birthday to You

John, for 5 years I’ve celebrated your birthday and this year has been no different.  This year I made chocolate cupcakes and yellow cupcakes with vanilla frosting and took them to school with me.  All the girls, including my teachers and I sang Happy Birthday to you.  And then I text messaged just about everyone in my phone "Today is John Mayer’s Birthday.  Find a way to celebrate"  and have selected to give some response awards.  They are as follows: 

Most Motherly Response:  "You goof-ball" – Kate Dore-Davis
Most Icky Response:  "I could take a celebratory poo"  – Antoan
Worst Response:  "But I don’t care about John Mayor" – Jameson (and yes he spelled your name like that)
Most Flattering Response:  "Without you in his life he’s gotten a bit full of himself" – Sergio
By Far the Best Response:  "I will stand naked in a vat of cherry jello and dream of him singing ‘Your Body is a Wonderland’ to me" – Jason Champeau

Today, at the end of the school day I had clocked a total of 500 hours.  I need 600 to graduate.  My graduation date, as of right now, is Tuesday November 4th.

In other news – I remain shocked, blown away, giddy, fluttery, flattered, totally stoked, girly, womanly and literally beside myself, because of a man.

I’d love to tell you that my experience with men has been great and educational – but alas I find that I have dated very few, if any.  No matter the age of some of the guys I’ve dated and whatevered there is…there are many qualities that I have always looked for that I seem to settle for less than.  It was because at the time I was content.  At the time I was willing to just goof off, laugh, kiss, eat dinner have drinks hang out and play.  Then I hit a place in my life where I was ready to commit to someone for the rest of my life.  Absolutely ready.  I had little hearts coming out of my eyes towards a guy I thought was pretty and talented.  A guy who a year later decided he wanted something different.  He didn’t want to think about communication or learning to compromise, he was done.  I was officially worthless.  And he continued to make me feel so by leaving me home alone every night while he stayed with friends, among other people.  For months I moped around this apartment and every chance I got I spent in my car driving home to the people I could lean on, look to for advice and to somehow save me regardless if it was by escaping with alcohol, ice cream or a good talk while sex and the city was on the background.

And somehow, even now as I feel better than I have in months…  I feel uplifted, encouraged, beautiful, pursued, respected, listened to, people want me to “use caution” in regards to this man.

let me tell you something, in the nicest and most respectful way I know:

I cannot and will not take any more time to “figure out” what’s going on.  Because I KNOW what’s going on.  My husband and I are divorcing and a man is pursuing me because he likes me.

*  When a man, honestly and boldly, states he was angry at himself for letting you get away 5 years ago and he’s glad he has the chance to be in your life now – you listen

*  When a man day in and day out assures you that he thinks you are gorgeous, beautiful,a goddess, you’re wonderful and loves your face without make up on – you smile

*  When a man upsets you, no matter how small or large, and he so badly wants to know HOW he did it and WHAT he said so that he will NEVER do it again (instead of telling you to get over it and call him when you’re done being dumb) – you stay on the line and tell him, and you communicate to him and you listen to his apology and you believe him.

*  When a man says “know this:  I think you are a jewel of a woman.  I don’t pass up good things”.  – You blush, save it on your phone and look at it from time to time because you know he means it and you can hear his voice saying it.

*  When a man texts you “I’m thinking about you” in the middle of the day” – your friends see your face and they KNOW it was him, and they want to know what he said.  Its like when the senior had a crush on you when you were a freshman

*  When a man says “I don’t want you to ever feel worthless.  If I spent every day for the rest of my life making you feel worth it, it would not be a wasted life”  – your heart skips a beat.

*  When a man tells you when you talk it doesn’t sound like you’re rambling, or lecturing – that your words are meaningful, beautiful, and truthful and he’s hanging on every single one – you are heard.

*  When a man says he doesn’t need to speak to anyone before he goes to sleep, except you – you are appreciated and cared for.

*  When you like a man so much that you hang on every word and listen to his interests because they interest him – you are smitten

*  When a man answers the phone “if this is not the most gorgeous woman in the world I’m hanging up” – you giggle.

*  When a man can make you laugh like nobodys business – you keep him around and invite him to be closer to you.

*  When you, yourself, can make a man melt by saying “hi” a certain way – you are worshiped

*  When you let a man call you “babe”, and you NEVER had let anyone do that  before – its a big deal.

*  When a man says everything you’ve ever wanted to hear, and you know he has more up his sleeve – you want to stick around to see what happens.

*  When you are so excited to see a man that you want to run and literally jump into his arms – you lose sleep, but its worth it.

*  When you see that Men exist, in the form that you have imagined, saying things you’ve longed to hear, and they pursue you, care about you, think of you and listen to you, when they “man-up” to their small mistakes and listen to your long days,….regardless of where it goes – you are reassured that life is worth it, and so are you.

So here’s to you, Mr. Man.  With the utmost respect , this confession is yours:

At your service.

 On the door of the Dojo, where my father and uncle taught my sister, my brothers and me Kenpo Karate there was a painting.  The painting was a diamond with a black belt tied around it.  And with the painting were words.  Strength In Perfection.  

My father, whom I love and respect extremely, began taking karate when he was 13.  His sister adopted him so he could be in the states and go to school and do whatever he wanted.  He took karate.  And he was GOOD, he IS good, like Bruce Lee – for reals.  He was in Washington state when he met  my mother.  My mother had been hitch hiking and a gent picked her up and dropped her off in the middle of nowhere and said "this is what you get for hitch hiking" and she walked her way back to the high way and into a city in Washington State.  Soon after her arrival she decided to take martial arts so she could protect herself.  If I remember correctly my dad accidentally broke her nose the first day.  He was a green belt, she was (obviously) white.  Woops.  I’m not sure how the whole dating thing went down with them, I think he proposed over Kentucky Fried Chicken, something simple like "well I guess we should get married."  I love that story -truly. 

So they got married in Bubbu & Papa’s backyard (grandma & grandpa on mommies side) where my mom grew up.  My mom wore a horrid blue dress – yes I’ve seen pictures and moved to Palau for a while.  They had my sister there.   Summer Mersai.  Born August 14, 1976.  My mom tells me stories about the size of bugs in Palau and sleeping on bamboo mats so you can hear the bugs crawl up before they actually get ON you.  They had outhouses, oh joy.  They were there for 2 or 3 years before moving back and having me.  Hi.  I’m Aiyani Mersai.  born April 17, 1979 at General Hospital in SLO,CA.  And for a while it was just my sister and I.  Both of us girls had full dark eyebrows, straight black hair and people even then thought we were twins…I was big for my age.  Largest baby my mom had ranking in at a solid 9lb 8oz after being a month late.  Sweet – they totally had to induce labor because I was apparently super comfy.  

Sister and I began taking karate when i was 6 and she was 9.  Dadda would be home when we got home from elementary school, Grover City Elementary (it wasn’t called Grover Beach then, it WAS city) and he’d have a snack for us then we’d go to the dojo and take our class, and mom could pick us up after she was done with work.  We went Tuesdays and Thursdays from 5pm – 6pm and most fridays for the larger part of our childhood.  Rarely missing.  Therewas no summer break for karate, it was year round and I grew up with those kids in my karate class.  James Schroeder (I think that’s his last name) Juan Angiano, Andy Aleman, and Jake Anderson.  Juan was the same belt as me and sister for our entire lives, we were always tested together for the next belt.  

Benjamin Mersai came along when I was 8.  He was born January 30, 1987.  Ben was named after our dadda’s father (and later we learn that Ben named his first born Samuel, after our dad).  He started when he was 5.  I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a gi (pronounced "Gee" with a hard "G" like in "girl") on someone who could barely walk but it really is quite adorable.  Ben grew up watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles…well so did I for that matter and said things like "totally" and "awesome" and he SO sported a "rat’s tail" when he was little – I know I know….ew.  But it was SOOOO cool then.  

Rik Mersai was born to 3 siblings and 2 parents on December 12, 1992.  Summer was now 16, *I* was 13 and Ben was 5.  The parents stopped there.  Sister and I helped with the boys, dadda worked and taught karate (so he pretty much worked all day) and mommie worked all day too.  By now sister was into Volleyball and track, I was doing karate and dancing at Pat Jackson’s American Dance and involved in the theatre program at school.

The summer before my freshman year of highschool, July 15 1993 to be exact I was tested for my black belt in Kenpo Karate with my sister and Juan.  Eight black belts were present that night.  All from different styles in the area, all had something to offer as far as the art was concerned, all were respected and honored in our dojo.  I had passed my black belt test after a grueling 3 1/2 hours of doing EVERYTHING I had EVER learned in the those doors.  From our beginner strikes:  two-knuckle, spear, two-finger, palm heel, ridge hand.  To our advanced.  All of our blocks, our stances, our kicks (that’s a HUGE list of single kicks to different areas followed by double pump kicks, spinning kicks, balancing kicks and flying kicks…, our kata forms, our weapons, our sets or twist n strikes, and our across the floor – now this THIS was fun…….  We’d start at one side of the dojo and Sensei (that would be my dad) would tell us what stance to begin with then he’d give us a series of movements including steps, kicks, blocks and strikes to get us across the floor.  He would only say what it was once then we’d count "1" – if we had to ask for him to repeat it we got docked points.  We’d go through it once and now we’d be on the opposite leg/foot/stance whatever and he’d say "2" and we’d do it again, and again until we’d make it across the floor.  Now remember we need to do everything precise with conviction and power and strength and precision and be confidant.  Concentrate.  Once across the floor we didn’t know what was going to happen. Could be pivot and do it again, could be a new set could be one of my favorites "now reverse it going backwards, 1!"  

My first year as a black belt I attempted to continue my training.  All my life I went back and forth from loving it to hating it.  But I love it, I really do.  But soon high school and sports and homework prevented me from going often and I cut back to just teaching.  My dad had given me a class with what I had to teach them, and the date they needed to be ready to test.  They were kids.  7 maybe 8 years old, at least 10 of them and they were rowdy and unfocused and I had to instill in them the kind of focus and discipline that was instilled in me.  And it was hard.  But the time came, they tested and passed.  I felt accomplished.  

By the time I was in the middle of High school all the kids I grew up with in school finally stopped calling me Mrs. Miagi, most had stopped asking me to show them something and only a few asked if I’d ever broken anything or hurt anyone.  My answers after a while were short and to the point.   By this time in my life I’d broken boards and bricks and no bones.  When people wanted to see something flashy I’d ask them to stand right where they were and to not move, or they would get hurt. They didn’t know what I was going to do but saw me drop my bag then take a few steps towards them and then they’d realize I did a flying side kick to their face and came within a couple of inches.  The only time anyone ever thought I was going to get into a fight was between classes and someone got in my face cause they "heard about me and my karate moves" and since they were the toughest and baddest kids in school they wanted to fight me.  Whatever so they asked me to show them something and I gently placed my bag down and said ok – throw something at me and I’ll break your arm.  I just stared at them and waited.  Looked ’em right in the eye and just waited.  By this time that fabulous circle of audience had gathered and teachers were running to stop the no-fight that was happening.  When they came to the middle of the circle and saw what’s her name standing in front of me they looked confused.  All I said was – nothing happened (to the girl who wanted to start stuff) then smirked picked up my bag and made my way to whatever class I was going to.  I glanced back and saw the teachers talking to that girl and eventually with all her hand gestures she was escorted somewhere else.  (shrugg)

When I was 17 Sensei Jesus Sanchez with Goju Sabudo Kai needed to have neck surgery and asked my dad if I’d be willing to go in and workout with his students.  Dadda asked me, and I never tell him no – never.  My intro to his students was to fight them.  All of them.  No gloves, no gear just one on one.  *I* had the training and speed and precision and understanding of my limbs to make contact without harming them.  I had the ability to let them feel where I was kicking or striking without knocking the wind out of them.  These students did…not…have the training – yet. They are still learning – you are always learning, always striving to get better, of course.  But several SEVERAL times Sensei Jesus stopped the fight and reminded them to stay in control, and then he told me if they lose control to teach them a lesson.  So a couple students who got a little out of control in my book got some kicks to the stomach and a couple moments where I even surprised myself a bit and moved fast enough to catch an arm from the side before it hit me and i back-fisted their face with the my other hand with a touch light enough but Sure enough that they knew I got my target  A couple kids tried to sweep me.  SWEEP me – what the??!!!  You can see those people because they try to distract you with their upper body, well I just kept changing my stances so they couldn’t get to my feet in a planted position.  And I never looked at my target, I stare them right in the eyes, but I can still see every part of them and I know how close I have to be, and how close I CAN be without hurting them.  After that it was agreed, and So 5 days a week I went in to his dojo, having not been trained in the style and worked with what I saw.  I worked on their form with their kicks and strikes and blocks etc.  Most of the time the highest ranking student would lead them then I would stop them and correct them on small things.  Pushing them to be faster, and stronger and more precise with their movements.  

And now I’m 29.  It’s been 12 years since I personally have trained and I recently have decided I’m going to review with myself again.  I look forward to it -whenever IT happens.

And my answer is five -by the way.  For those of you wondering the most amount of bricks I’ve broken at one time, the answer is five.

I have nothing to report.

There are obvious times when I blog that I have something I need to say or want to say.  Something to vent about, something to brag about, something I need advice for, something I feel needs to be heard by someone in particular or by the masses that refer to this blog daily in hopes I have let them further into my life by using certain isms, sayings and quotes – that’s not a bad thing, that’s not a complaint.   

There are times when I just want to sit here and write about what I’ve learned in Esthetician school but think – meh, if you wanna know you can ask.

There are times when I want to look around my house and write down what I see and how packing is coming along – blah.

I feel like I should respond to those who have emailed me their advice, left their comments etc.  I should acknowledge how so many of you came out of the woodworks to help me and encourage me during a very dark and lonely and difficult time.  And although I am not necessarily in that hole anymore, climbing out is taking time and patience and strength I didn’t think I had.  Strength I’m hoping will encourage me to show off a little leg later when I feel super confidant in myself again.  And strength that I hope will leave me more readily available to take a hit when I’m down like that – if I’m down like that ever again….

But then I pretty much think – if It’s not going to be interesting, or some kind of release that I need to get off my chest or off my mind – it won’t be worth it.  

I want to reach out there and tell you a great thing:  "I am doing well" aside from having $0 money, no job and little to eat.  I have water and the girls at school are very caring (these are ALL new girls and we get along SO much better than I did before my leave of absence), and helpful and I’m not going to die of starvation or anything like that right now.  

So instead, I’ve decided to leave you with this:

In the bestest, most positive way I can think of. ….in which I can think::::: In the most honest fashion I can fathom and by far the best thing I’ve heard myself say in MONTHS:

"Look Out Tucson!!!"