I gotta be honest with you

Oct 1

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I’m being pursued – like nobodys business.

I’ve blushed and gotten a bit girlie here but the part that is different is he’s so sort of – manly – about it. He’s so certain, and assertive with his words. He doesn’t beat around the bush, he does not wait a ridiculous “3 days” to call me. The better part of all of this, is I recently read what I’m gonna call the “bible” hahahaha – my mom won’t necessarily appreciate that, however keep following me….it’s a book called “He’s just not that into you” Yes, they are making a movie on it complete with an all star cast. It’s been a best seller for close to 5 years and I was recently gifted it from a wonderful young lady whom I affecetionately call Cincinnati. She said it changed her life, and as one who wants to stick to the theme of “bible” I absolutely agree. It has changed my life, it has SAVED me. Man – my mom will either laugh and roll her eyes at me or call me and go “you don’t really call it the bible though right?” = MOM !!! its LIKE the bible!!!! ok ok ok ok ok.

So I read this book and I have a new perspective on relationships, including mine with Jeffrey. Now what’s interesting is after reading the book and thinking how even though Jeffrey married me, perhaps he wasn’t that into me and just did what I said. I was the stronger person. I made the decisions, I tried to get him to make decisions but he always wanted me too. I’m sure somewhere in there he thought it made me happy to make every and all decisions but really – I needed him to man-up once in a while….which he could never do, which he never will be able to do (for me) And after REALLY thinking about my relationships, guys I’ve dated and whatevered – I have come to the conclusion that: I have never been pursued. Silly flirtatious pursuance aside, It’s never been just smurfing obvious that a guy liked me. They played games – hell I played games. And that’s mean, I take part of that back – not ALL of them played games. Timing has to do with it, and so does risking your great friendship, which in the book they also say guys will risk friendships for sex, and that’s great – but I won’t. Games though – I get it, I know I did it too, and I’m sorry – I won’t do it anymore, I’ve grown up a bit. Guys are like…here’s my number call me – and when I do they don’t answer or they take their sweet ass time getting back to me. They think by doing this they have all the power, and they do. They have the power to answer the phone or not, and return your call or not, and if a guy takes too long to get back to me – he’s gonna miss out. At least, that’s what the book says , The idea of “he’s missing out….” now – that’s a nice ego boost and all but to some it just leaves a girl paranoid and feeling like she’s made uber mistakes and can’t see her way out of it so she sits at home feeling worthless, used n abused and unloved – sigh.

That’s hard. That’s tough stuff right there. That doesn’t feel warm n fuzzy, that feels like a pint of ben n jerry’s best just waiting to happen. On the upshot that a girl takes from this a more assertive approach to life and the ideals that no one should wait around for anyone. That’s boys and girls alike in my book. Don’t wait by the phone in hopes they call, call them but if they don’t get back to you, you need to let it go. Information that i’m SURE is easy to read, but harder to go forth with in all your jedi coolness. However, the light at the end of the cliched tunnel may be worth the read. Worth the knowledge, worth the laughs, worth putting yourself in check, worth reminiscing and going “oh yah….heh” and for those who haven’t joined the amazing proverbial life of a good union (married or not) with kids (or not) it may be a good read to alter the way your thinking is….. You know, whatev’

ok but so yes……why did i stutter like that with so many fillers? heh… so yes, I’m in this place of existential healing or random bliss or even a metaphoric purgatorial state of being where I may float with no real definite place I know I’m going to land, but you know what – I sleep better. I drink more water. I laugh more. I’d say something like I have better eating habits but since Jeffrey emptied the checking account (then I took out the remaining $37.77 and closed the accounts) I don’t eat well, I eat what the $.99 store offers. Whatareyagonnado? I feel smarter for my new approach and my willingness to let things go and move on. And the moment I realized I was sleeping better and living in the moment, focusing on what I need to do to get through the day with an endpoint in site, I held my head higher walking – anywhere. I drank again, a little bit i said thank you when someone, anyone, complimented me. I decided I was worth it. That I, in fact, AM worth it. And worth a lot more than I’ve been given before. My self.distructive.ness has become a pattern of stories that I tell, and allthough I may falter, I am human and can only blame myself, then forgive myself. – that’s a big deal by the way so read it again if you didn’t catch it.

At any rate. There he is. This man. This man of a man. Knows what he wants. Goes after it, and I am not just in the line of fire, I am the target. And what I’m finding is that I’m not a moving target, I’m standing still, staring right back at the barrel – with a smirk

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The Scar

Sep 29

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I’d like to post something that is not drama. I know all that I’m going through lands on these pages and I am told, people do read them. you read my words, my fears, my dreams, my hopes, my fantasies, my faults and you just accept it. That’s – awesome. It’s encouraging and uplifting and bodes well for my self confidence as a woman, or even just as a human being regardless of my gender.

So my promise to you is this, I’m going to give you more.

More of the better parts of me in addition to my turmoil. I read some of my old blogs, like…circa 2004 and I posted about all kinds of junk and it didn’t matter the context. it was for me, it was for you, it was for fun and some was serious. It had both the ups and downs of every great roller coaster and after this weekend that has just passed I feel better – about a lot of things. I feel like this certain kind of heartache that I have been experiencing is finally beginning to show signs of subsiding which to me means the healing is coming. Now when I say this next part remember it is not literal:::::: I was cut, I bled and bled, i changed my bandages over and over and applied every metaphoric antibiotic ointment everyone suggested to me in attempt to make the healing happen quicker – and this morning, I took off my bandages to change them and the bleeding had finally stopped. Now the healing is beginning. The wound is closing and I can actually see where the scar will be, but battle wounds always make for great stories later don’t they (and we all know that the best stories begin with….”so there I was”) But none the less, a scar – and really what I mean by that is “this is another reason I am as strong as I am”

Will you still have moments of depression? – maybe…? I don’t know. but if i don’t plan on it and don’t count on it then I’m not giving it the focus it actually wants which allows my focus to alter and drive me somewhere else

Where do you want your focus to drive you to? – a fierce feminine place. Which by the way is a blurry place right now but the more I focus on it the clearer I believe it will become and the more specific I can describe it to you.

What are the steps you are going to take? – right foot, left foot. head up, eyes opened and remembering to breathe

Do you have any advice for anyone who might be going through the same thing? – a woman whom I hold in the highest of regards told me this…”there is no right or wrong, only experiences.” So my advice based on that is take the opportunities that come your way and chose knowing there is no right or wrong. And as always, in every aspect of life – buckle up for safety.

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Nobody Reads This, Chapter Eight

Sep 23

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It’s all about the Turning Point.
Once upon a time, I fell in love.  It was totally legal and everything.  I was eighteen and I knew everything about love.  I knew how it felt, I know how to communicate it and show it and receive it. He worked at Festival Cinemas.  He had beautiful blue eyes that pierced right into me sending light into every limb.  He had light brown hair and he was taller than me.  He had big pouty lips that when locked with mine was pure magic.  Our first date was to see a play, he wore khaki pants a brown belt and a blue button up shirt . His brown loafers made me laugh especially against his white sport socks.  I don’t remember what I wore but I drove my first car.  The Hooptie.  A HUGE brown cadillac that was my papa’s (grandfather) car.  It had plush, tan, soft seats but it in no way allowed for easy hand holding.
We went to plays together, had dinner together, went to Hearst Castle together and he called me “babydoll” and I loved it.  He lived with his aunt and uncle and his two cousins in Oceano in a beautiful home.  His aunt did hair and nails, his uncle was in construction his little cousins were in elementary school.  Sometimes we’d sit in the living room for hours listening to Boyz II Men because they were his favorite.  He would tell me about how he used to model and act in commercials when he was younger and how the song “One Sweet Day” reminded him of his mother, and that she had passed away recently.  Three months into our relationship he had gone missing for the weekend.  He was around friday afternoon and never came home.  I didn’t know where he was, his family didn’t know and the were worried.  I was worried.  He didn’t have a cel phone and I had none of his friends numbers.  His aunt filed a missing persons report and I had the most recent picture of him and gave it to her.    Sunday afternoon while I was at the house he just waltzed in the front door.  Everyone started talking at the same time.  He told us he had a headache friday night and his friend gave him tylenol PM and it knocked him out.  Saturday he went to work…none of us knew he had to work saturday, nor did we think to check, then we went back to his friends house and fell asleep there again and his friend had just dropped him off.  His aunt didn’t buy it.  She said he better not have been doing drugs and drinkin’ I didn’t know this of him.  She said he has a problem lying to people so that they will like him.  And she told me the reason he was living there was because his mom and step dad kicked him out because of his lies and drugs and alcohol abuse.  My mouth dropped and I looked at him and said “you said your mother died.”  His aunt flipped out and left the room swearing, took her kids in the other room and just let us talk.  She said I might want to think about my relationship with him.
After a 3 hour conversation with him, crying, listening to his story talking to him about what I expect – I forgave him.  He told me I was the best thing that ever happened to him, that the only lie he told me was about his mom and its because he was angry and at that moment had wished she was dead.  That he was angry and trying to figure it out but I was what kept in on the straight and narrow path.  That he hadn’t smoked any cigarettes, done any drugs, or had any alcohol since our first date.  He said he wanted to be sober and experience everything with me and not miss a moment of it.  I drowned in his words willingly.  They poured out of him with such warmth and depth it was all I could do to not ask him to say it over and over again.  I believed every word.
Over the next year and half of our relationship we had more moments like these but I never wanted to give up on him.  He was my first love, my first everything and what was nice, as far as my ego is concerned, was other girls thought he as gorgeous.  He resembled Paul Walker, to mine and many other opinions – later in life when I actually showed his picture to people.  It felt real nice to be with the guy all the girls thought was “hot.”  It wasn’t until he disappeared again that I began to think differently of him.  For the longest time if he wasn’t going to come over, or not be home when I told him I’d call him, he would call me in advance so I would know where he was.  I loved that, I felt he respected me.  He was living with another aunt and I had called to speak to him and she told me he was in jail, she was kicking him out, and if I wanted to pick up his stuff I could.  I didnt’ know what to do, so my mom and I went to go get his stuff. I don’t even remember why he was in jail but he had called me to bail him out.  I didn’t have the money and I talked to my mom about it and she said he would be fine and we need to just let him stay there and maybe I needed to think about the kind of relationship I have with him.  She was totally right, and I wasn’t mad for her saying no she wouldn’t help bail him out it was all just so, crazy and random .  So I go to pick up his things with my mom.  There are few clothes folded up on a table in the car port and a shoe box.  I take the lid of the shoe box and I found all these letters.  Letter after letter after letter.  I read a couple they were fromdifferent girls and basically said the same thing, that it was great seeing him and spending time with him and they can’t wait till he was back in their bed. ….. (blink blink) their…BED? ……. Mom?….they’re from other girls.  I was getting upset so I just took everything and that night I read every letter and I cried.  I cried myself to sleep.  They were all over the past year, all during a time when we were together – we were never one of the couples that breaks up and gets back together.  If we had a problem we talked about it and repaired it and moved on.  I was in so deep.
I decided to confront him about it, while he was in jail.  He didn’t know I was coming.  I went, signed up showed my ID and waited to be escorted to a seat to look at him through a thick pane of glass with a black phone on the side of the wall.  When he walked out and saw me, he was dropped his head in what looked like utter shame.  He sat down and I just stared at him for a bit.  Then I took the phone and so did he.  I don’t remember what the beginning of the conversation was but I told him his aunt kicked him out of the house and I had all of his stuff and he said thank you.  Then I repeated….I have everything, including all your letters that you’ve kept.  And he actually said “what letters?”  And without flinching I took a piece of paper that was already unfolded on the desk in front of me and slammed it up against the window for him to see and I said all the letters from the girls you cheated on me with.  then I started naming off names and reading pieces of them until he asked me to stop.  He had great stories on where they came from, that these girls were obsessed with him, they had gone to school together or were from his home in Northridge where his mom was and they were ex-girlfriends.  And I told him I’d have all of his stuff when he got out. I remember him placing his hand on the glass in hopes that I would place mine up there and I just put the papers between us on the glass.
Full of drama, yes – every second of it.  Guilty.  And I was torn and hurting and it was all really happening.  And when he got out – I forgave him again.  I took him back AGAIN.
Even now thinking about it I wonder what I was thinking, then I realize – I wasn’t.  I wanted him to be perfect.  I wanted him to always say the right thing, I wanted those girls in those letters to want him but he didn’t want them in return.  And he did say all the right things, all the the “right” things to make me forgive him and stay with him.  I even still wanted to marry him one day.
Then it was the summer of 98.  Early summer.  I was a year out of school, we had been together for a little over 2 years and for a reason I don’t remember, again, he was living at my mom’s house.  Something she said she’d never wanted to happen.  However, he was sharing a room with my brothers on the other side of the house and no, I never crept in there.  We were great, everything was fine.  He was working, I was working and our relationship was moving along just fine.  He had become good friends with Spencer up the street.  Spencer had gone to school with me and I knew who he was and liked him, he was fun, whatever so they were always together.  I had chores to do with my mom and he was going to go fishing with Spencer for the day and he would see me later that day around 5 or 6pm.  He kissed me on my forehead, told me he loved me and took off with Spencer.  I never saw him again.
He never camehome.  He never called.  Eventually I got ahold of spencer and he said the last time he saw him was dropping him off at his friends house after fishing – I thought you dropping him off here – he changed his mind….?  Spencer knew nothing more.  His aunts hadn’t heard from him in weeks.  I had no other phone numbers, he stopped showing up at work too.  And apparently one of his co-workers had seen him and he was drugged out he said….  “but then, Ryan was always high on something” he also said.  Then I had a mini conversation with this co-worker person, whose name escapes me, and I find out Ryan always had drugs on him.  Mostly either pot or cocaine, rarely something else.  He always offered it to this guy when they were hanging out – you guys hung out??  My head was spinning.  I didn’t eat for about 2 weeks.  I sipped milk and drank water for 2 weeks.  I had no energy.  I made it to work most of the time but I know I missed a couple days when I just didn’t sleep and didn’t have any energy.
Months had gone by and it was April 1999 and I was on my way to my own birthday bash, a masqued ball, with my boyfriend at the time and the phone rang.  “hello?”….aiyani?”  I knew it was him, I knew his voice.  “its ryan….welch”  I know it is.  He had called to say happy birthday because he “felt it in his heart to do so”  I told him he didn’t have a heart and to never call me again.  And he never did.
In 2007 I found out that he had died in a car accident, or something.
How did I not see it coming?  How did I decide to always keep him next to me.  At what point did I go from being the love of his life, to that girl he used and lied to, and at what point did I know it and deny it.  What point did I see out of it.
At such a young age, I wanted everything in my relationship to be perfect and when it wasn’t I reached for the reasons that would make it perfect and practically force feed him.  Because at some point he did love me, just me….at least….I’d like to think he did.  I’d like to think that the way he looked at me, and melted my heart was real and genuine.  I’d like to think that after all the times I forgave him that he really wanted to be a better person, not just play games with me and my mind, my heart, my soul.  I’d like to think that when he said he was on the straight and narrow because of me he had seen what good I was doing for him.  Clean.  I wasn’t a drug use, I didn’t drink alcohol, I didn’t even smoke cigarettes.  I always told my parents where I was going and checked in with them often.  I’d like to think all those kisses were not wasted.  That at some point and time in our relationship he wanted me forever as much as I wanted him forever.  I took so many turns with him.  So many different paths, so many forks in the road and I always wanted those choices I made to be the right ones.  And yes, I can say I learned this and that from my relationship with him but I truly wished that I could rewind time to that first time he lied to me.  Where he apparently fell asleep at a friends house, I wish I could go back to that 3 month mark and just say, “you know that’s just not good enough for me.”  Because as much as I wanted him to say all the right things, none of them should have been because he needed to cover up a lie or explain one.  None of them.
There were turning points in my relationship with Ryan that were huge red flags, that I refused – REFUSED to see.  In fact my gut told me to leave, and I didn’t.  My mind told me to end it, and I didn’t, my heart ached every time he said he was going somewhere else because that meant it could be with another girl.  I didn’t trust him.  I wanted to.  I didn’t. I didn’t believe others who told me he wasn’t good enough for me, and they were right.  I never listened.  All those moments lead to my own metaphoric demise.  And all of those people wanted to be encouraging and supportive and when it was all over and I was standing again they said it was a great lesson learned and to now take time for myself to heal – and instead, I started dating Brandt.
There was a place and time in which Ryan was my everything, my all and I would give anything to him, and do anything for him and he made me fly.  There was a place and time where I was good enough, and I find myself only saying these things now, because I wish them.  I cannot say with fierce commitment that for a while it was only me for him, and him for me.  And although during our entire relationship we had ups and downs, and I semi-prided myself on being able to talk to him and have “adult” conversations about communication and trust…I have found that at no time was the true turning point with him, during a time we were together.  I had gone years immediately following his departure clinging to others.  Brandt, then Derek.  And there were hard moments with them too, and that can all be explained in other chapters.  But none the less I felt I needed someone and I took to them.  It wasn’t healthy, it wasn’t right – I was young, stupid, hurt, lost, determined, strong externally, weak internally…I was many things, I am…many…things.
But the moment I realized that I’d never see him again was not when I said “don’t ever call me again.”  It wasn’t when I moved home from Burbank, knowing/thinking he was in the Los Angeles area.  It wasn’t when I started school at PCPA, it wasn’t when I got married….the moment I realized I’d never have to worry about what I would say, or how I might look (yes I worried about this) or how I would handle myself and my words was when that stranger who recognized me from years ago told me he was dead.  And at that moment I couldn’t tell you what I felt.  I wasn’t happy, or sad, or content.  I wasn’t worried about his family, or who he might have left behind.  I didn’t think about if I would’ve gone to the funeral had I known, I didn’t think I should contact his family with any condolences.  I didn’t think about the letters I found, or the drugs, or the lies I only thought – well I’ll never see him again.  And maybe I never would have had he lived, but the thought alone exists and that thought alone always kept me on the lookout.  And maybe it was psychotic of me to always think I’d run into him, I had moved on in my life, but he was my first everything.  He is the original bad hand I was dealt.  He was the game I didn’t play right, and he was the reason I didn’t do relationships right either.  Well, I wanted to blame him for all of it.
The truth is, I can only blame myself.
I can only blame myself for jumping so quickly, forgiving endlessly and not trusting my instincts and better judgement.  I didn’t think I’d be worth it in the end, I think.  I think that may have even be why I acted a certain way with other relationships.  And I promised myself I’d never cheat on my boyfriends the way he cheated on me – and I didn’t.  I promised myself to rid myself of all of his letters, and I did.  I promised to be honest with my boyfriends, and I was so why did I hang on so long??
Do I have regrets?  Obviously if I wish I could rewind time I do, but still.  Do I REALLy wish it.  If I didn’t date Ryan, I probably would have dated someone else leading me somewhere else.  Thus not dating Brandt, with all of that drama, and Derek with all my baggage then deciding to not date seriously for a while may have turned out different and maybe I wouldn’t have got married……and I wouldn’t be here, analyzing and tracing my own life patterns with a permanent marker to try to make the edges look clean with all the scribbles and mess on the inside.  If I try to make it look like all of that trouble and hardship is contained then maybe I won’t appear as distraught or lost on the outside.
Its just that here I am, again.  My gut tells me one thing, and my estranged husband tells me something else.  My mind tells me one thing, his words say something else.  A year ago he was madly in love with me, would do anything for me – and now….he doesn’t come home to me.
The turning point, is realizing that it turns and turns and creates a circle.  A constant pattern that unless you literally step out of, will only continue.  So maybe we should all,….maybe I should stop looking for the moment in time where things went awry.  Maybe I should consider that it all happened, so that when I began repeating patterns I would step back and remember the lessons I’ve learned and step out of the circle onto a new shape of path.  Will new relationships still mirror old ones as I move forward, or will taking the step out help leave it all behind?
How will I trust the next one?
Will i listen to my gut instinct?
Will i be so wary that I will always be alone?
I’ve been so accepting…will I be someone who now pushes?
Will I trust myself?
Does that matching baggage have to really be claimed, and does it have to be by me?
Should I now just have “fun”
How long does it take to heal, but really  – ?
What are my REAL best options?
If it took me 10 years to realize THESE lessons, how long for everything else?
When will I actually feel worth it; worth fighting for, worth trying for, worth dying for…
What should I actually let go or get rid of?
Because at the end of the day I don’t want what I come home to, to look as empty as I feel.
I don’t want it to be as cluttered as my mind.
I don’t want everything in it to remind me of my failures, my trials and tribulations.
There needs to be a sense of peace and accomplishment mixed with lessons I can recycle and anything that encourages me to get up each morning and step outside the lines that I’ve created and drawn over and over again.
And perhaps, a new shape begins to take place.
Perhaps these new footprints do not fall within the confines of the ones I’ve already made.
And perhaps this time. . .

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Particular Times

Sep 19

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A beautiful and dear  friend of mine had some stuff happen recently to her personal life and my response was for her to listen to my "anthem" song.  Which currently is "Not as We" by Alanis Morissette.  She asked me to send it to her and of course I will, of course I am.  i thought about gifting it to her via iTunes but I decided to make her a "mix tape" member those?….member tape cassettes?  Well, its not a tape, its a CD but it has different songs on it that I thought would help get through it.  It is a mix of songs that I relate to on a serious level lyrically and musically and other songs that just make me smile, cause smiling and laughing helps everything get better faster.  In choosing the songs I ran into one I haven’t visited in quite sometime.  Right now, at this particular time – its perfect for me and so I give you:

That Particular Time by  Alanis Morissette

my foundation was rocked my tried and true way to deal was to vanish 
my departures were old I stood in the room shaking in my boots 
at that particular time love had challenged me to stay 
at that particular moment I knew not run away again 
that particular month I was ready to investigate with you 
at that particular time 

we thought a break would be good for four months we sat and vacillated 
we thought a small time apart would clear up the doubts that were abounding 
at that particular time love encouraged me to wait 
at that particular moment it helped me to be patient 
that particular month we needed time to marinate in what "us" meant 

I’ve always wanted for you what you’ve wanted for yourself 
and yet I wanted to save us high water or hell 
and I kept on ignoring the ambivalence you felt 
and in the meantime I lost myself 
in the meantime I lost myself 
I’m sorry I lost myself¡ .i am 

you knew you needed more time time spent alone with no distraction 
you felt you needed to fly solo and high to define what you wanted 
at that particular love encouraged me to leave 
at that particular moment I knew staying with you meant deserting me 
that particular month was harder than you’d believe but I still left 
at that particular time 

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Focus. Countdown.

Sep 15

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I missed an entire week of school because my back was out.  That’s 30 clock hours.  I have to have 600 clock hours in order to graduate.  Including the one saturday I plan on missing, and providing I do not miss anymore school, my last day is November 4th at 12 noon.  

I return to the Central coast the same day I graduate.  Once a clock out, I am getting into my car and coming home-home.  Sometime after that (approx 2 weeks) I will have to take a written and practical state board examination, and pass, in order to get licensed and then seek out a job at a spa or salon.

My birthday is April 17.  

I’m moving to New York May 1st .  

I will be living with my mom in AG from November until I leave for New York.  I don’t know that I will pursue theatre there.  Perhaps, but its not the main reason I’m going.  I’m going because I want to, and because I can.  I always said I would live there at some point.  I’ll give it 2-5 years before I return to CA after all ALL of my family is here ALL of my friends are here.  Antoan will also be moving to CA and it looks like (although we are careful to not count on or assume) we will be living with Ro (Robin Wolf).  She has been there for 4 years now so it will be great to have someone around that already knows where things are.  I will look for an Esthetician position there and maybe another position depending on what kind of money I make.  I’m up for the adventure and the lifestyle.  I’m up for the seasons changing and me using every swear word I can think of when I realize its X amount of degrees below zero.  I’m up for trying a different kind of city life.  I’m excited and looking forward to it.

Vista is still so hard for me every week.  It’s lonely.  And sooner than you think I won’t have any money for groceries nor do I know where I’m gonna get gas money to get to SLOville a couple more times before all my stuff is there.  Once my stuff is there, and all I have with me is a duffle bag of my clothes for a few days, toiletries etc then I won’t be able to come up until I move back.  

Know this:  There will be a birthday / going away party sometime between April 17 and May 1st.  Everyone and anyone will be invited.  The start of a new decade, that’s right folks I’ll be 30 – although once in NY I’ll be 25 again <wink wink>  and a new adventure will be exhilarating and I want to see and hug everyone I know before I go.  More on that as life moves forward, stay tuned, stay close and know that I want you there.  If you live out of town I still want you there, plan a road trip, find others near you and carpool and stay with your friends in SLOville or the 5 cities – I REALLY do want you there.  If you are out of state, you know of course I still want you here, but I know plane rides are more expensive then a couple tanks of gas.  

Current Countdowns (this is being posted after midnight so using the technicality of 9/16/08 :
49 days till I graduate from school and move home-home
100 days till Christmas
106 days till New Years Eve
212 days till my birthday
226 days till I leave for New York

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i’ll need a job when I move

Sep 10

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To my Central Coast Friends:

I’ll be moving back to the 5 cities area in early November providing I finish school on time.  Missing school for my back hasn’t helped, missing school because my car broke last week while in AG didn’t help BUT I’m pushing through….somehow.  At any rate I will more than likely live with either my mother or dad n step mom for at least 1 month but hopefully no longer than two.  Kitten and I with are looking for a place together as an option.  

My goal is to move out quickly and maintain my responsibilities as an adult and not sit at home and sulk and feel like a failure.  I’m asking you, my friends and family who live there to keep your eyes and ears out for positions that pay $15/hr plus.  I’m fine with returning to hotels, I was good at it.  I’m fine with administrative work and I will also be looking for a spa to work at at least part time once I am licensed.  I may graduate in late october but then I have to take a state board examination. Both a written and practical exam will be required and I do not know my test date yet.  Anything in an office would be fun, I’m interested in accounting but have no official training – I just like the 10 key….hahahaha  I love data entry too.  

I’ve never worked in the food industry but am willing to try it…..well bartending for a year counts I guess but that was 5 years ago, I’d have to learn again probably.  I know that the food industry is normally minimum wage plus tips so Im’ not sure that would be my best bet.  

I am not against attaining two jobs, I’ve done it before I can do it again.  I have to stay on top of my CC payments and student loan payments and car ins and cellular phone etc etc etc.  So if I have something 30-40 hours a week by day, and another position by night, that’s fine – again once I’m licensed as an esthetician hopefully I can work in a spa or something.  Sycamore…Tigerlilly…anything like that

I will probably work with SLO personnel again as a temp as an immediate option

If you have any suggestions or leads please let me know.  I know it’s a bit early as far as time is concerned but if I plant the idea now maybe next month when you hear something you can let me know.  

Thank you.

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Multiple Miligrams

Sep 9

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This last weekend Jenn n baby samuel came to visit me in Vista. They got here friday, we had fun bla bla bla. Sunday right before they left I pulled my back. Hadn’t done it in 2 years – I guess I was due. Pulled it at 6:15pm and Jenn left at 6:30pm, she asked if she should stay I told her no (big mistake) and so she grabbed me some frozen vegetables, pressed play on the DVD player and she left, hug, love you – bye. Shortly after she left I called Jeffrey….left a message then I called Mentor….left a message. Then I cried and cried and cried and had a mild panic attack to which I called my frienemy because his innate ability to calm me down, which he did. Then, Seanah called just to say hi and I told her what happened and she stayed on the phone with me for a bit, offered what she could and asked if she could do anything else or call anyone else – no, there was nothing else I thought she could do. I stay on the floor I alternate icing my back, and removing the vegetables from beneath my back. Its difficult every time to move. It’s difficult to anything from the chest down because of this pain. My arms hold on to furniture to help move me and they also grab my legs to move them if I must move them. I make it to the couch, but no position is comfortable. I continue to watch TV, I continue to ice and not ice I continue to cry and I have taken 2,000 mg of Ibuprofen in the past 2 hours. Another hour goes by. Its 9:45pm and I call Jeffrey again crying asking why he won’t answer his phone or help me then I hang up and crawl over to the front door. I open it and lay on the floor in the fetal position and say “help” over the next few minutes only I say “help” 4 times and someone comes up the stairs.

He is dark and bald with facial hair. He’s wearing a dark blue collared shirt with white stripes and blue jeans. He immediately exclaims “oh my God do I need to call an amubulance??!!” I tell him no, I’m crying, but I tell him no and that I hurt my back and need only to get to my bed. He helps me stand. He’s strong but gentle to not hurt me or jerk me around and injure me further – at least that’s what I interpret. I continue to cry and sob but I use my legs and suck it up as much as I can and walk towards my bedroom. He helps me sit and even wraps his arm around my back and cradles my legs in his arms and helps shift me around to lay down in the bed. He lowers my upper body down gently followed by placing my feet on the bed so that I may keep my legs close – this is the most comfortable position I can be in and he asks me one more time if I need a doctor or to go to the hospital and I half smile while crying and simply say “no” ….”but thank you” he says “ok miss” and he sort of smiles and nodds and leaves I hear his footsteps through the small hallway and livingroom and I hear the lock on the doorknob turn just before he closes it tightly. I lay there staring at the ceiling.

Fifteen minutes later Jeffrey was running to me. I heard him outside running, up the stairs and unlocking the door and running into the bedroom with a face of concern “what happened!?” I just start to cry again. And ask him where he was. He said he was with Ashley and his phone was turned down still from work…yesterday – I call bullshit. I said he was bullshit and he saw I called and chose to ignore the call. I told him a stranger helped me to my bed because neither of the TWO people I know here were reachable. I remind him how angry it makes me that he flaunts his new relationship in my face and its beyond disrespectful and I know he doesn’t care but this time it was an emergency. He makes no apologies only says his phone was turned down from yesterday.

Then, somehow the conversation moved to what happened to “us” and he said he figured it was done at the beginning of the summer when we decided it would be our “trial separation” I reminded him HE didn’t know what he wanted and *I* was trying to give him space and time to figure it out and I was banking on the idea that he would be gone for 2 months then come back to me realizing what he has and want to work on it. He said he saw myspace pictures of me not wearing my ring and fired back with your damn right I took it off after I text you EVERYDAY with no response, I email you with no response and call you with no answer. I took my ring off because I was mad at you not because I didn’t love you anymore. Then he says when I un-invited him to caitlin’s wedding he was done with it. I remind him he didn’t get back to me SEVERAL times about it, HE didn’t stop by on his way home from Vista to talk to me was I supposed to play nice and pretend *we* were okay??!! What was I supposed to do??? He was ignoring me and choosing to not see me or talk to me, I’ll take that as a hint – thank you. The conversation stops, it ends and he changes the subject with “can I get you some water” and I say “sure.” Then he helps put 2 pillows under my legs, the movement hurts and I moan and cry out. He asks if I want him to sleep in the bed tonight and I say yes because if I have to get up I’ll need help. So he does. I cry myself to sleep and wake up the next morning and he is already gone to work.

While at work he text me if I was doing better (this is around 11am) I tell him “no.” Then he texts if I need anything, to which I reply “Yes, i need these invites to get mailed out” (invitations to baby samuel’s birthday party for turning one) and he texts he will stop by after work and take them to the post office before going to school. And he does. Then he’s done with school by 5pm or 5:30pm so normally he would be here by 6:30pm ish. I’m banking on it, because I need to eat and although I had yogurt for breakfast and pasta for lunch I can’t stand long enough to make chicken or something, I’m hoping he will be back and help me with dinner etc. I ice my back throughout the day, apply my SOMBRA which is like a gel you put on topically for joint and muscle relief I drink water when I stir the energy to get up. I am able to stand a bit better and walking is a tiny bit easier even though I shuffle my feet like an old woman, and I have to prop myself up onto pieces of furniture because it hurts my back too much to have it on my legs alone and I glance in the mirror and I’m shaped like the letter S as I look at myself. Really wish I could see my chiropractor – but he’s in AG. 7:30pm comes, I guess he’s not coming here right after school, maybe he has a study group or something, I make canned soup and can sort of sit up and eat it but needless to say….my back hurts no matter what I do or how I sit or lay down. I watch the rest of HEROES season 1, and I continue to watch Six Feet Under season 3. I talk to my frienemy at 9pmish briefly. Tell him I’m pretty much the same and I’m not going to school tomorrow. Ice. Ibuprofen, 1600 mg and both Seanah and my mommie tell me not to do that because it will do this that and the other and all of it is bad, so I stop. At 11pm I get to the bathroom to brush my teeth and I go laydown in bed and read a magazine. At 11:20pm ish I decide to text Jeffrey with ” thanks for remembering I hurt my back and for leaving me here by myself” To which I received no response. I heard him creep in around 1:30am / 2am and I heard him leave this morning around 6:30/7am I don’t know if he has school or work I just know….he wasn’t here when I was hurting. Hurting emotionally is different than hurting physically, and yet he chose to not help me.

Nothing but anger and frustration ensue and my heart races when I hear him lock the door as he leaves. He couldn’t be here last night to help me???? I use every swear word I can think of and cry myself back to sleep for a couple hours.

This morning I sat up, barely, from bed and made it to the living room without using furniture to prop myself up. One trip to the kitchen to get grapenuts with vanilla soy milk and I sat on the couch. yes sat, with ice on my back. Its is uncomfortable and a little pinchy but I can do it, which is progress. I press play for Six Feet Under season 3, and I tell Antoan via IM about yesterday. And then I wrote this….and moments ago still I stopped typing this and text Jeffrey…”I told you it freaks me out when u creep in in the middle of the night. And when you left too. You’re an ass for leaving me alone last night” To which I’m sure he will not reply, nor come to the apartment today. I’m appalled. I’m in pain and I’m alone….which obviously just feeds the fire of depression and angst and I can’t believe Jeffrey….

Furious
ice
Ibuprofen
TV
Text back the people that ARE checking on me that WOULD help if they weren’t 300 miles away

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