Aiyani Mersai

Another day, another try. I have gone back and forth with my weight issues for 10 years now. I get in a good place with my eating and exercising then stop. No idea why and it takes me a few weeks to get back on the wagon, just so I can complain 3 weeks later that if I hadn’t stopped for 3 weeks I would be at 6+ weeks by now.

sigh. I’m not angry with myself. I actually don’t eat terribly. We don’t really have fast food, maybe once in a while when its too late to cook, and we don’t have food in the fridge anyway. I know I don’t eat enough veggies and fruits. shakes head. I just want instant gratification! I need a better goal. I need something to shoot for that is motivating enough to help me make better choices. I make good choices, I need to make better choices.

On the plus side. heh, pun not intended I recently discovered I have great plus size proportions. I know that I am considered a “plus size” girl but I actually took measurements and what do you know. 46-36-46. The only mild problem is my tummy. My natural waist, the smallest part, is 36″ I need to shrink down my tummy by my belly button and my pooch that exists only to cause me mental problems. =) I’m told all girls have this little pooch, I don’t really see it on others unless they are extremely large. “skinny” girls definitely don’t have them and when they say they do I want to kick them. if you are a skinny girl don’t take offense but also don’t say you have a pooch when you know you don’t. I know we’re all made differently but knock it off.

On an entirely different subject I had a good talk with my MIL the other night. I really haven’t been myself around them (she, her husband and daniel, Jeffrey’s brother) since I met them. That’s about 2 1/2 years now She has said some things that I take one way and then get offended and then I act differently around her and it just happened again and again. My step-mother Terry and I talked alot about it and she convinced me to talk with her just one and one, and it was great. I feel much better now. Much MUCH better and now I think we can have a better relationship.

Jeffrey and I got 1 year membership cards to the Wild Animal Park and San Diego Zoo yesterday. Mentor had purchased tickets for as a wedding gift so we upgraded them to a membership. We’re going to try to spend more time together not sitting in front of the TV or just sitting on the couch playing on the computer. We also have our fun passes to Sea World we can use.

Things are okay here. I don’t have anyone to play with here so it can get lonely alot of the time. But the Smurf n Jenn and the baby are going to move in June so that will be better and Jeffrey goes back to SRT this summer. He leaves at the end of may and will come back in July. Two years ago he sound designed 5 shows for them, last summer he didn’t work for them and they apparently didn’t get as good of product from whomever they did hire. So they offered him 3 shows this summer for more money than when he did 5. He’s excited and I’m happy for him.

I start esthetician school on 3.25.08 and should be done in september.

Today is Cleveland’s birthday. He’s 27. He left for school around 7:45am and mumbled happy birthday and hugged him goodbye. I woke up around 10am, did absolutely NOTHING. Well, I did watch two episodes of Days of Our Lives we have DVR’d, something about sharks on NatGeo, had a bowl of cereal and spoke to caitlin. But I have a sore throat and it hurts when I talk or swallow. =( I STGA from 3pm – 7pm today, woopdeedoo, I did not go to the gym today, I did shower and I did write and sign in his card (which I have had for him for a few months now)

He just got home 7 minutes ago, I made dinner – well I heated up the sauce he likes and boiled some noodles and will toast the 100% whole wheat bread we have and put butter and garlic salt on it just the way he likes.

then we’ll go to sleep because he works at 6am. Not one of the best birthdays, but at least I got to see him.

Time is of the essence.

You know, life as we know it is only constant because Time is constant. So what’s so great about time. What’s so great about aging, or celebrating another birthday, celebrating a birth, mourning a death. Who invented the calendar and the watch and the sun dial? Who and why? Time is only necessary because it makes us say “remember that time. . . ” Or whenever we see or speak to old friends, or dear friends, or past friends, or good friends we have to reminisce. If we don’t, we don’t talk much do we. Well, if we’re sober than we have many things we could probably talk about – am I right? We could talk about how much we hate work, or love work. How living with your boyfriend is like raising a 5 year old and how no matter how much you work, you’re barely making ends meet. Time allows us to take a picture of a moment or an event and immortalize it with the best description we can come up with. But why bother making mental notes? I mean if its REALLY that important, it will stay with you forever, if it goes away, it was just “time.” We can blame everything on time. Being late to work, being early to a friends house for dinner. Oh my clock is fast, its slow – its on satellite now. Look at your phone, and everyone should be pretty damn close. Who are the people that set their clocks fast? Are you anxious to MISS the time that you have? Are you trying to fast forward through something? Are you hoping to see the preset fast clock and move faster so that you get somewhere …earlier?? What is the point? You freak out for a minute, then realize the clock is wrong. Time is relevant because eventually moments link up to others. And not as easy as you’d think.

Sometimes you look back on time and realize if you weren’t there at that time, then THAT wouldn’t have happened.

I remember the first time I got drunk, I was 20. It was at a Christmas Party for work and I had about 20 margaritas. Now that sounds like ALOT but they also range in size and in strength. From bucket size glasses to pint size. All were on the rocks, none of them had salt. All were original flavor, no strawberry or mango or fru-fru. I was wearing a fantastic silver dress my mother had made me and I sported a tiara, of course. I arrived with my best friend and co-worker PG. She was wearing a maroon colored dress my mother also made. So cool. The year before at this company I won a TV in a raffle so the stakes were high!!! No, I didn’t win anything. But sometime during the night I climbed on two chairs, in my silver 3 1/2 inch heels and boogied until I fell off. I didn’t even feel it. People came rushing, actually they were all boys – gentlemen. All of them worked as bellmen, and all were my friends and all of them wanted to make sure I was okay. I was upset, and not because I fell but because everyone saw my underwear and it was beige – not silver. I was upset because it didn’t match my dress. Adam laughed, Bear kissed me on the head and said I would be fine, Joe shook his head and said I was nuts, a couple other gents said cheers and brought me some water and when I said I didn’t want any they handed me my drink back, I took it. That night PG and I were the first on the dance floor and I was the last to leave it. The last song was TRUE by Spandeau Ballet and I danced with Bear. After it was closing “time” we went up to the room all of us had got and hung out and ate. We went for a walk and on the edge of the cliff, guarded by a blue railing, I took out all of my bobby pins and sang “i love you” by Sarah Mclachlan, and he just let me. He stood behind me to keep me warm. His 6’4 perfectly muscular frame kept the wind off me quite nicely. He kissed me out there. We were both a lil drunky, but I welcomed it. It was a perfect kiss. We went upstairs, and both went to sleep.

It was Valentines Day, I’m 19 and dating a senior in high school. He lived with his Grandma but she was out and I was invited over for dinner. I pulled up in my Burgundy 85 honda accord. As I approached the front door there are cutouts of hearts covering the railing the side of the wall and the door. I don’t even knock, the door opens and there he is holding another heart. I smile and he embraces me. There are candles everywhere. No light fixture is on. There are not many candles there are only a few, but all enough to see that the dinner table is set and there is a heart on my plate as well. All of these hearts say his name loves my name. It is precious. As I sit down I realize all of these hearts are cut out by hand. they are not bought from the store, they were stencils and he had take a long time to cut them out and stamp them all. The kitchen is close by and the smell of something baking fills my nostrils. Whatever it is, is made from scratch for SURE. Its pizza. I laugh – but it IS homemade pizza. the bread / crust is thick and full of flavor and i know I will be full soon. the cheese melts over the side of the lightly sauced dish and I also hear music. After dinner we cuddle on the carpet. That was our style. We never really sat on the couch together, we cuddled on the carpet – like a picnic. Always layed down two or three blankets and a few pillows and watched TV or a movie. Brandt was always romantic, until he thought I was cheating on him. I never really figured out how or when the fall of our relationship took place, but it had to do with trust and time. I wanted time with other people, my friends, my family – and he thought I was spending time with other guys, in their beds. He was wrong, and he always thought I was with Bear. Brandt was with me when I won a TV at a holiday party once, my hair was real short then. He used to come visit me at work, at The Cliffs. Drove my bosses nuts, but they never asked me to tell him to stop coming, eventually i just wanted him to stop coming – that’s when he thought I’d be hooking up with Bear.

I met PG when I was in 7th grade. She was one of the first people EVER to get a nickname from me. Jimmy Pratt was a new 8th grader at our school, he just transferred in and all the girls swooned. I didn’t. He wasn’t really my type. =) I was going up to the office to drop off the roll call sheet and he was walking up late to school. I told him he was late, and smiled. I was wearing my favorite pair of light pink, floral printed jean shorts (yes pink, I hate the color now), a white V-neck and my favorite whites shoes. They had a very small heel and it made me feel grown up, like I was in highschool. He said not to worry about it “prettygirl” and I said “pretty girl huh?, do you know my real name?” he said of course “maria!” and I said “oh” well thank you, I’ll tell Maria Garcia you said she was pretty. He looked embarrassed. The “hottest” guy in school was embarrassed because of ME, it was a small sweet victory for every girl who needed braces and hair gel and learn to shave her legs. I told PG that, she didn’t believe me right away – but she eventually did. In High school though, PG and I didn’t talk much. She was in the super smart classes, I was in normal classes. She had dated a guy named David for most of our high school career and sometime during our four years there I had befriended David. Which, I am told – made her very angry. I was told there were times when we’d (david and I) be on the phone and PG would call in and he’d say he was talking to me, instead of getting off the phone with me and talking to her. She didn’t like me for that. I didn’t understand at the “time.” We were just friends. Later, after graduation I worked at a kitchen store for a year than wanted a change. I applied at The Cliffs Hotel and to my surprise, PG was at the front desk. I thought it would be wierd, but we seemed to get along fine. When I had asked her if they were still together I remember her saying yes, but that was it. She didn’t wan to talk to me about it. We became much closer after working together. We had discussed boyfriends, school, work. We shared stories gave each other advice and eventually, were able to drink together too.

My first serious boyfriend and I talked about marriage all the time. We were 17 and had “decided” to get married when were 23, have kids between the ages of 25 and 28 and live happily ever after. He left me without warning. I longed to be his forever

My second serious boyfriend and I talked about names of kids more than marriage. I was 19 he was 18. We wanted to wait a few years before even considering marriage but really thought that ‘this was it’ I longed to be the kind of girlfriend you’d never leave.

My third serious boyfriend broke up with me because I refused to consider marriage. I was The day he broke up with me he said he wasn’t proposing he just wanted to know that THAT was the direction we were heading in and I flat out said “well its not” and he couldn’t handle it, so he left. I longed to be left alone

After that I said NO SERIOUS RELATIONSHIPS. I flirted with guys if i wanted, kissed ’em if i wanted or brushed ’em aside if I wanted. I would NOT be tied down. I longed for adventure. I brought an entire band home with me once. I was 23 and I got signed with Global One Mangement

I moved to la la land in March of 2003. I’m Antoan and I shared his studio apartment until we moved to Burbank, a nice large 2 bedroom 2 bathroom apartment. =) I bought peach (my computer) shortly after we moved and I had a livejournal, I had friendster and I had instant messenger. I didn’t really have any friends though. I went on auditions, I read my friends blogs and sometimes spoke on the phone to some of them. Living with Antoan had its ups and downs but as a friend he was ALWAYS there for me. I could, I can count on him 100% of the time for his friendship. He is safe. He was with me when I had my serious relationships, my flings, my big paychecks, my small paychecks, my stories, my tears. He holds all my secrets – he could destroy me!!! Using the trusty internet I started to go out on limbs introducing myself to some people, finding new friends. And even when I came home to visit I seemed to have good luck finding companionship. People seemed to come into my life, quickly and happily. But all of a sudden they all wanted me. They weren’t even all boys. boys and girls that I would meet, somehow – wanted me. They wanted my attention, my TIME, my energy. Trying to stay true to my mantra of no serious relationships, no serious relationships, no serious relationships i found myself balancing gentlemen callers. For the first time in my life I could pick and choose. They all knew I wasn’t super serious with them, but they didn’t know there were others. It may have been assumed I was dating more than one guy, but it was never spoken about. And then there were guys who were just my friends, with small benefits, like making out. Yah, they were my make out buddies. Then I couldn’t do it anymore. I was falling for one guy, so everyone else had to go – and they did. But then, this guy I would do anything for didnt’ really want me like that. We were, friends with benefits and I didn’t even need to be called his girlfriend I just didn’t want to see anyone else. I didn’t need to meet all his friends, and I never did by the way, I didn’t need to meet his family, met his brother – but they lived together. I just wanted him to come over to my house sometimes and be with just me. He was always about communicating via the internet. Never the phone. I was angry, happy, sad, torn, content and a little confused. I longed for some stability. I longed for consistency. I longed for his time. I was 24

I moved home to the Central coast in late April of 2004. I’m 25 Feeling like a failure I didn’t tell many of my friends I was back in town. I gained weight, sulked and cried. But after sometime I got out of bed. I visited old friends, I reminisced with them and eventually I spoke to him again. Although his timing was horrible in telling me he missed me, I went to see him for a weekend. It was just like I had wanted, and then it was sunday and I left, and life began again on Monday morning.

I was working, and playing with my friends at karaoke and some actors heard me sing and told me to audition for a school that was all about theatre. I did, I was accepted and I met someone. Maybe it was the right time and the right place, and not just physically. Maybe it was the right time and place emotionally and mentally for me to be with him. I was 26 when I met him, 27 when I married him.

And now?

Now I’m 28, I’ll be 29 in a couple months and it seems time is getting away from me. I have TONS of time on my hands and yet I feel it getting away.

When you see how the dots connected, do you wish they hadn’t?
do i miss that single life excitement? that “time” is over now.
is it Time to wake up?
Time for work?
Time for school?
Time for sleep?
Time to go to the gym?
Time to check your email?
Time to contact those you miss?
Time for a memory?
Time to move on?
is it Tool Time?

If time is of the essence, why do I always waste it, am I wasting my essence away??
Time really does go by as quickly as the sands in an hour glass
Time goes by slowly for those who wait, stop waiting or you’ll be left behind.

And at the lowest points I find myself in, I realize – it could be worse.
It has been worse, which means it can be better.
Friends really do stick around, providing you are also available.
it does cut both ways
It didn’t just happen to you, it happened to him too

And when nostalgia has made a comfy home within you, it really is okay to backtrace and take time to spend with people who used to be in your life. Maybe they never really left you, maybe you left them – and that’s something you have to deal with.

Whatever your decision is, as far as time is concerned, hopefully you keep moving forward WITH time – because Time will not stop just because you do.

A couple weeks ago I told Cleveland I wanted Jr. High present for Valentines day. His face altered into what we all know as a confused “huh?” face. I laughed and said, you’re gone too much so I want a stuffed animal with your cologne on it. He laughed with me and said okay. I told him no bears though. I really have received some bears in my life and am kind of over the bear thing.

This morning he had to leave for school at 9:30am and I slept for another 1/2 hour. When I rolled over my nostrils filled with a familiar scent. I honestly didn’t think much of the smell of his cologne. He doesn’t wear it all the time, sometimes he wears it to school, sometimes not. I opened my eyes and there was a little stuffed wolf purched on his pillow. He LOVES wolves, they are his favorite. We have wolf pictures up in the house and he wants to get a dog that looks like a wolf (i know, hello shedding!) It was cute. He remembered – a VERY big deal since he NEVER remembers ANYTHING…….EVER. hahahaha

But alas its 7:30pm and he’s at work (live mixing Route 66 for Moonlight Stage Productions). He’ll be home around 10pm. We’ll have some popcorn and watch some TV on the couch.

Valentines day thus far, the past few years we’ve been together have been carb fests full of junk food and no regrets. =) Today though, I did go to the gym so hopefully it will all even out. hahahah

I went on a mild spending splurge and bought some scrapbook stuff the other day. For my bridal shower, bachelorette party and a nice scrapbook for our wedding. We had contemplated ordering a fancy shmancy book with the pictures printed onto the page, then I decided that wasn’t really “us.” Then we thought about just a photo album we could put 4 x 6’s in, lots of albums are pretty for those. Then I just thought, I’m not a great scrap booker, but how ‘ bout I scrap book our wedding. It was such a fun event. There was some traditional stuff, the “show” was funny, with sound effects, the speaking was all underscored beautifully by either Somewhere in Time, Titanic themes (just piano music) or music from American President (the one with Annette Benning (sorry if its spelled wrong) and Michael Douglas. There were hints of things like the ever popular “Mahwage. Maahwage is wot bwings us togetha, tOday” Our programs were playbills and tickets were sent with the invitations to come see our show “somebody’s getting married” Our reception was the same. Some traditional stuff, some toasts, some karaoke!!!!!! we had the garter and bouquet toss and we had a blue m&m toss and a green m&m toss for the married men and women (our cake topper was a blue and green m&m, so it all got tied together) It just seems right that we’d document our day by cutting pictures and making collages, using stickers and ribbon. SO – my mild shopping spree was all for a good cause!!!!!!!!

I also bought stuff for other projects too. . .

I pushed back starting Esthetician school til March 25. I have some Matron of Honor duties (for my wife Caitlin) and some extra stuff for our wedding DVD to do.

Speaking of our WAY FREAKING COOL WEDDING DVD. Ashley Beem, from Beem Video is my video HERO. She sent us a copy earlier this month. It has the teaser (i posted that here a while ago) a 25/30 minute Highlight reel and an Extended Version. She did SUCH a good job on it, I seriously watch it almost every day. She even put it to fun musical wedding show tunes and it is edited to go with the music. Unbelievable how great it is. We are adding some fun things to it and creating a “2 Disc Special Edition” for family and we’ve even been asked by some friends if they can purchase a copy. So, if you want one – you let me know and I can order them. lol

They will all be done end of Spring time ish. My sister is designing a super fun DVD cover for the cases and everything. So fun!!!!!!!!!

On a different note, I was thinking about Kaza the other day. actually for a couple weeks there movies had been on that were always “our” movies and songs on the radio. it really was like a divorce or breakup of some kind. Sometimes its hard, sometimes life is just easier. and when I sit and analyze it with Antoan or Kitten I realize I really miss the time when it was just she and I at the barn. Those days were wonderful. That was the same time the gang would all go to Sunset Dunes every week to play with Kevin and no one had husbands or wives or kids. Well, Joel and Amy were married but you know what I mean! People are just growing up now. Its wierd. Its not bad AT ALL. I love all of my friends, their spouses, and their children. i go to the birthday parties, I go to their weddings, I had my own and now I’m helping Caitlin with her wedding. But I without a doubt miss “the good ol’ days” Life was all about going to my 8-5pm job at Embassy Suites, playing with my friends and being home with “Mahroomah” I do hope she is well. I sometimes hear her voice as I remember the horrible card she sent me and I get angry angry angry. Then i remember that we both have our sides, that we both experienced something hard and I remember chosing to move on. What I appreciate are the friends that kept both of us in their lives. I had received a few emails from people telling me how horrible I was and how could I, without being able to share my side of the story and those people never talk to me now. And I know its hard for me to, say, go see my friend PG and somehow Kaza will come up and she wants to see PG’s new baby and I get almost offended. Because in my brain PG was “my” friend first. But I could never tell her she has to chose. Kaza and PG were roomates when I moved out to Burbank and PG has always been around. They are friends and I have to accept that. sometimes its hard though and I want to somehow lay claim on people. I know that that is childish and selfish – I KNOW. what’s important is that i DON’T try to lay claim on people. I may want to, but I get over it when I realize I would hate it if Kaza told them they had to chose her or me. Then I’m just glad that my friends stayed my friends and other stuff doesn’t matter.

Subject Change again:
Cleveland (Jeffrey, my ….HUSBAND!!! hahahaha) may be able to graduate in December instead of next year. some of his crew work for the school counts as credit for some of his classes and he will probably take a class or two during the summer and then go full time in the fall again. After he gets his bachelors degree, he wants to either attend UCLA or UCI for his masters. We’ll see. He hates school most of the time because its stuff he’s not interested in, but he has to do it for the piece of paper. I’m proud of him for sticking through it all. He goes to school full time and has 3 jobs. PetCo 2 days a week and he works for the Kroc Center when ever they call for him and he now also works at Moonlight Theatre Company. He leaves as early as 7:45am and sometimes isn’t home till 11:30pm.

We did agree, however, to both take Sunday’s off so we have a day together. Sometimes we go out and play all day, other days we don’t do anything but sit on the couch and watch episode after episode of Everybody Loves Raymond.

Change again:
My brother the Smurf (Ben) turned 21 last week. We had sushi for dinner then went drinking. He didn’t get drunk, but he got a little happy and a little silly. I interviewed him at the end of the night and taped it on George (my digital camera) but the file is too big to put on youtube. Anyone have a good idea where I can upload it so I can send it to our family?

I guess that’s it for now. That’s all I got. When i was intown my dad BBQ’d its always SOOOOOOOOOOOO good when he cooks and I brought home all of the leftovers. It’s almost all gone now – I’m gonna go have me some tri tip!!!

I laughed for about 10 minutes straight because on my “Planters Deluxe Mixed Nuts” tin said:

Allergy Information: Manufactured on equipment that processes peanuts and other tree nuts

I don’t know how to put myself in check.

I don’t discipline myself NEARLY as much as I used to. When I think of how I made it through elementary school and junior high going to karate 2-3 times a week and dance 2-3 times a week and doing my homework and eating what mommie and dadda told me to. . . I miss it.

Even when I think of PCPA, which is not very often by the way (I often think of Anna Ashford, Miss Elzon, and Andrew but that’s about it) I think of when Stephanie Courtney told me I was “fierce” I walked the halls differently. I walked the halls understanding how I could tap into my place of discipline and also be humble and learn from those around me. . . I slightly miss that too.

I tend to sit at home, or work at the green apron…….and that’s it. I clean the house a bit, I read a bit but that’s it. We’ve finally unpacked everything and it took packing up christmas stuff to get everything else done, and pictures hung and boxes all emptied. And now its january, almost the end of January and…..

well maybe I miss home. I miss being able to see my mommie whenever I want, I miss living with my sister a bit because it was always so much fun hanging out with her and telling eachother stories about work or school. I miss going to Dadda’s house for an impromptu BBQ. I miss coffee time with the trio, I miss visiting with Kitten.

I don’t have any friends here. That’s a small lie, Mentor lives about 30-40 minutes away and we see eachother when we can, which will become less now that he has to be in santa monica or brea for work during the week and will only be home in sand diego 2 days a week. Lisa (Double T’s cousin) has been waiting to hang out and now I’ll be able to, so that’s nice.

I didn’t go the gym for 2 months, also a lie – I believe I went 3 times in 2 months. But I started up again this week and I feel good about my eating choices and exercise choices I just wish I could come home, call up a friend and have lunch or something.

I find myself ……..what? Always checking my friends pages, their livejournals, their myspace – trying to stay in the game, trying to keep a sense of friendship with those I never see and I don’t know if its good enough.

OOOOOOO. That’s helpful, I’m trying to be good enough. Interesting. Its great out just typing it out gets me somewhere sometimes. Even though I’ve already deleted pieces of this several times, it still helps the thought process.

am I good enough? Good enough to keep me as a friend, as a wife as a whatever?. does anyone out there even bother with my thoughts and words, are my thoughts and words good enough? And why does it matter I guess if its good enough for you, or her, or him, or them.

i think that’s it for now.