Aiyani Mersai

I’ve been working. . . Sporting The Green Apron for 3 1/2 years now. We get reviews every 6 months. Every review there are a series of questions that I have to be rated on.

1 – below expectation
2 – meets expectation
3 – exceeds expectation

Every review I’ve had an average of 2.5 or higher by meeting and exceeding their expectations resulting in a ____% increase. Normally around $.20

Today was my review. Unfortunately for me the manager at my store is new. The manager that transferred me in in August left the company (after 10 years) in early december and completed some reviews, but not all – I was one that was not completed. Therefore our new manager who came to our store on Monday, as in Today is tuesday so he’s been there for 8 days, with whom I’ve worked perhaps a total of 2 hours had to give me my review. My small saving grace, he’s from my old district, knows my old manager (both of my managers in AG, he didn’t meet the manager here) So he knows who trained me, Mat, and knows how Mat works and believes that in the event we had worked together more that I would meet all of the expectations. So my score was a solid 2 overall. He apologized for the problem and he said in six months he’s sure he’ll report many 3’s in my favor but he needs to have time with me. Which is fare for him, and only slightly sucks for me. So instead of my “normal” ish $.20 raise, it was $.18 That’s okay – I’ll take it. Money is money right now and we all need some and could use it and I don’t know that it would have been much higher had he worked with me longer. What I do know is he restored my belief in this company. I was beginning to feel really let down, and not being heard and being “new” to the store didn’t mean I was new to the company but people get set in their ways. Lucky for me, my “old” ways, which are also my “current” ways are going to become NEW ways for other people giving me a head start. My cleaning ways, my drink ways, my prep ways – all of them.

I’m excited to work with him, I’m excited to see what he does with this store and with the cast and crew and he is excited to have me in his store.

Those of you that worked with Dan in Santa Maria at the small lobby store (ie Eleise moore, Michelle Burns and Ashley Flann you know who this is too) he is my new store manager in Vista, CA and we totally talk about you.

Christmas went over smashingly. The biggest surprise award goes to my Auntie Barbs and Uncle Glenn who drove from Missouri to be with us for the week. Auntie Barbs used to come over and spend Christmas Eve with us and Christmas Day. It was ALWAYS like that. Even after she got married in. . . .19….92?? ish She and Glenn had moved out to Missouri and would fly out. After that got expensive, they drove, and for the past few years they couldn’t afford the time off or the money it took to come out here. This year I walked into my mommies kitchen to greet my mommie (by the way I do spell it “mommy” if it is someone else’s mother) and turned to say Merry Christmas to my siblings in the living room and there she stood with a camera and Glenn on the couch with the video camera. She got the award for making us all cry too. I love my auntie barbs.

Christmas at the Mersai house hold was always full of laughter and inside jokes and a few surprises. This year we all had new Christmas shirts my auntie barbs and uncle G-nenn (when Rik was little, he is now 15, but when he was little he didn’t say uncle glenn, he said uncle g-nenn and it has stuck ever since). Many years ago, Christmas of 1995 to be exact the 4 siblings (Summer, Aiyani, Ben, and Rik – or as I would say it Sister, me, Smurf, and Rikster or R.I.K., no it doesn’t stand for anything) received Christmas shirts that auntie barbs puff painted on. She put snowmen on them and snow and sisters was even on a surf board – she was learning at the time. After a few years the boys grew out of theirs, but sister and I have worn them every year ever since. And my aunt barbs made us all new ones this year, including the spouses and the new babester (Baby Samuel, my nephew via Smurf and his wife Jenn) and my mommie the new “grammy” All the girls got green shirts and the boys got red shirts and each shirt was personal to us. All have snowmen, that’s her signature Christmas thing – she LOVES Frosty!! My shirt has a princess crown on with a matching scarf and the snowman is on a stage and you can see foot lights and a microphone. Cleveland has earphones on his snowmen with speakers on the ground (sound designer guy!) Sister and Double T’s have their dog Gwynnie and they have cameras since they are both photographers (thank you shout out “Matt Schmitz Photography”) smurfs had golf clubs and holding hands with this new babester. Jenn had some frogs, yes in the snow, and a chalk board with A,B,C’s on it (she is a teacher) and Baby Samuel was swimming in his but it was super cute. R.I.K had all his sports on there with balls sewn on and Mommie had a had on hers that said ‘grammy’ she totally cried. Its always a goal to make mommie cry!!!

The award Christmas day for making people cry went to me when Smurf opened a picture frame with 2 pictures side by side. One of my dadda holding him, and the other is smurf holding baby samuel. The kicker is the same picture is in the back ground. A picture my mother has had for as long as I can remember. It made my dadda cry which made my brother rik cry making my mom cry. I made Barbs and Glenn cry when they opened their scarves and beanies I had knitted myself with pictures of me doing so to prove I did it!!

Cleveland gave me a note saying we are getting Disneyland passports this year and he gave me the Karate Kid, so cool. I gave him a black baseball hat with “Sound Designer” on the front and “Howlight Sound” on the back. He’s been wanting one for at least 2 years – the length of time I’ve known him.

I gave my siblings a picture frame with 4 pictures in each of them, they are all the same. Again, for as long as I can remember when the siblings take pictures we are in the same order. When you look down at the photo from Left to Right it was Sister, Smurf, Me and rik infront of all of us between sister and Rik. Now that he is the TALLEST OF ALL OF US, his place “in line” is sister, Rik, Smurf, Me” So there pictures are of all of us, in our order at each others weddings (they were October 14 sister, Smurf December 16, and mine was July 14. The space for rik had a clever picture of a piece of paper I had him write that said “I will not fill this until 2016”

Santa got me a wonder woman ornament BUT its not a doll, its just her costume on a hanger, I totally wanted to be wonderwoman growing up – still do.

We received many ornaments this year from Clevelands parents, keeps sakes and hard to find ornaments that are kermit and miss piggy esque and some M&M ornaments (He collects M&M stuff) and 3 mixing bowls and a rolling pin. I don’t bake, “yet” – I believe is the response I’m supposed to have. I also received a small sewing kit/briefcase with needles and some scissors and some sort of measuring/ruler type thing. I’m sure she’ll want to show me how to use all of it during the course of my life.

It was wonderful to have time off of work, see my family for days and cry those expected tears of joy.

New Years eve Cleveland and I had dinner at Panda Express and saw Sweeney Todd.
My response? “meh” maybe I’ll write up one of my good ol’ movie reviews.

Welcome to 2008 ladies and gentlemen.
I start Esthetician school in Mid February and will finish (hopefully) by mid July
I still work at starbucks
I audition when I can if its worth it – I’m still too far away to be able to go to all of them.
I am the Matron of Honor in my friends wedding (Caitlin, whom I call Wifey or Shmootzy) this August

I have goals this year, not resolutions.

Inspired by my good friend Anna Ashford here is my year in review. Note – Its not very exciting, sometimes the most exciting time in my life was food, others were. . .well – you’ll see.

JANUARY I rung in the new year visiting my best friend antoan and we went to the zoo and I found out I weighed as much as a baby rhino. Not exactly fantastic, but I have to be willing to put myself out there you know? We also made the moldings for our TANTALUS project with Foss and my Pseudo Nephew Aaron, turned 3. And Cleveland received his acceptance letter to SDSU.

FEBRUARY we opened The Man Who Came To Dinner, Cleveland and I had junk food snacks for our Valentines dinner, sooooo good. We had a small Superbowl party at our apartment and I waited on all the guys so they wouldn’t have to get up from the TV and miss any part of the game. All the ladies and JP from my class came over for some Body Shop pampering and Tropical Beverages, followed by sleeping.

MARCH Cleveland turned 26 we had junk food for dinner that day too. . . a pattern is beginning isn’t it? I got up north to see my friend Jack and my wife Caitlin (yes, MY wife) and I don’t remember anything about school. I’m sure I was in rehearsal, and tired but remaining focused.

APRIL Easter we had. . .junk food for dinner! I went to VEGAS for my birthday, Ro flew out from New York and Antoan came in from Utah. The Trilogy enjoyed pancakes and coffee, Miss Elzon and Michael came over and we all had Bullet Made Daiquiri’s. The Chalk Circle opened, I was not cast but of course went to opening night and Andy Philpot told me my shoes were sexy. Enough said.

MAY I was given the roll of Death in my class project entitled “Blood Wedding” it was an amazing experience, and Anna Ashford video taped me putting on my Death Makeup and its on youtube.com now, and I graduated PCPA. The Trilogy sat together; my sister had a graduation party for me, and Cleveland and I went to Disneyland.

JUNE we had a yard sale to raise money for our wedding. $1200 at the end of the day!! My sister and Mommie threw me a super fun Bridal Shower and many lady friends attended, and Casi won a prize with Double Bingo. Daaaaana and I had “date night” at Novo and Kitten was our server hehehee. Brighteyes and BreeAnn had birthdays celebrated at Harry’s in Pismo with our favorite Front Row Karaoke God, Kevin. And I was a part of the Relay 4 Life all-nighter in SLOville on the Re-Castaways Team. I totally won at Twister.

JULY my pseudo nephew Atreyu turned one and I had a bachelorette party in downtown SLO. In attendance were Sister, Gracee, Kitten, and Daaaaanaa. We totally did karaoke that night. Cleveland’s best friend Eric L’Heureux got married on 7/7/07, the following week Ro and Antoan and I went to the Atascadero Zoo, and we had our wedding in Atascadero on 7/14/07. A Theatre themed party the programs were playbills, people received tickets with their invitations and my husband, of course, sound designed the show. We totally did the Thriller Dance at the reception.

AUGUST we moved to Vista, CA so Cleveland could go to school at SDSU and finish getting his bachelors degree, he wants to get his masters afterwards. I really don’t remember anything about August, accept moving.

SEPTEMPBER my pseudo nephew Peanut turned two and my brother the Smurf (Ben) and his wife Jenn had a baby boy named Samuel Adachi Mersai, coining the new nickname for my brother as “papa smurf.” Cleveland and I were able to get up north to meet the babester when he was a day old. My friend PG had a baby shower, and popped with a newborn named Nathan. Caitlin and Jared came down south to visit.

OCTOBER I went up to visit family, my mother-in-law made us curtains for our bedroom windows and the San Diego FireStorm caused a lot of people to be left homeless. We were far enough away to not be evacuated by the air quality was horrible and ashy, everyone stayed indoors for weeks. I watched the Scream Trilogy in its entirety on Halloween, then again the next day with Commentary.

NOVEMBER I went to Medieval Times with Kevin and Vicki for Kevin’s birthday. He’d never been. We sat in Royalty and got pictures with out knight afterwards. I actually started pulling Christmas decorations out early, I was bored and Thanksgiving was spent with Cleveland’s parents and brother Daniel in Temecula. I rode Daniel’s quad. Never ridden ANYTHING like it before, stalled a few times but made it up the block. I met up with Caitlin her mom and aunt at David’s Bridal for Caitlin to try on wedding dresses – so much fun.

DECEMBER a month still in the making, thus far. . . my youngest brother has turned 15 and his High School Basketball Team won the Championship game that I actually got to attend while visiting. We went Christmas light looking and decorated the tree at my mom’s house. That’s always fun because there are no regular ornaments; all the ornaments were home made by us kids growing up and there are a few gift ornaments as well. We had home made hot chocolate with home made marshmallows compliments of ben n jenn and Christmas is right around the corner. . . More to come on this month I’m sure.

Cleveland works part time at the Krocs Center with their Technical Department. Sometimes that means mixing a show (balancing out the music with the mics for the audience to hear), sometimes that means sound playback/playback operator (when you hear sound effects in a play, the person who hits the button so you can hear them is called the playback operator, sometimes he’ll work with lights, sometimes he just has the pull the curtain up. either way he makes more money than I do doing something he likes.

Other than the Kroc Center he works at PetCo part time. He works on register, and does some stocking while sporting a cute red apron (aren’t we holiday esque, he sporting the red apron, and me sporting the green apron), and when he’s not at either of those places he goes to school at San Diego State University.

He hated it most of this semester but finally finished it with goals in mind, and better grades than he thought he’d get. I’m proud of him. He has very long days and never has a day off, never.

You always want what you can’t have.

Really? Or we say that to make up for the fact that we. . .that I can never just be happy or content with what I have or who I am. And I have to blame it on someone because God forbid I take responsibility for any of my actions without naming and accomplice. Sometimes I can just sit in our apartment for HOURS alone and quiet and think of nothing accept what I could or should be doing, but I don’t or won’t do it. It’s always my choice, something that only recently was again revealed to me by reading someone else’s blog. Thanks Amy and Joel. I have a choice to sit here and write, or sit here and knit or sit here and watch TV, or I can go to the gym, clean the bathroom, clean the kitchen and dust this ever shrinking living room. We have too much stuff and we won’t bother with the idea of getting rid of it.

I lie awake at night restless and unable to make myself go to sleep. I think of everything and nothing simulatneously, I’m a multi-tasker for sure. . . What I find is that I’m always thinking of the past, or the future. I’m never in the moment other telling myself to stop thinking about stuff and fall asleep. The heater doesn’t work, and the mere fact the he can fall asleep in less than 3 minutes irritates me enough to think some more. I sleep in when I don’t have to wake up or be anywhere ( anywhere is work, I don’t have a life other than that) which inevitably means that I will be awake til 2 or 3am easy before I invite a yawn and realize again I haven’t accomplished much since moving. I depress myself that way, on purpose I think, and then of course I lay in bed thinking how many other things I do on purpose to make myself have a reason to complain or hate something or be envious of someone or long for some fire in my life.

I took some workshops lately, fine whatever am I a better person? nope, don’t think so – if anything I’ve reverted to my less patient self again and have completely given up on the teens today and am horrified that when they are 28, in 10-15 years, they will be in a better place than I am because their mommie and daddy helped them, because they were the most beautiful in school and because they had way more lucky breaks than I do – which would only mean they need to get one. Am I a better actor? I’m probably just the same as I was in May when i graduated, only now I have to learn to decipher between screen acting and theatre acting, size matters. Am I a better auditioner? apparently I always come off too strong and too confident – since when did these things become bad????

I’ve had my own run of being the loner and being teased at school and being awkward as I try to make sense of the new 8 inches I grew 3 months in junior high. I’ve had my own run in with the popular girls and boys that know my name but won’t give me the time of day, the boys that make fun of me for taking karate, the girls that don’t know why I want to dance if I’m 2 times their size, I’ve had people tell me I have too bushy of eyebrows and a mustache and that I look pregnant because of my stomach fat, all the way up to working at Starbucks and going to PCPA and having to deal with those old school “friends” that come in and say “oooohhh, so you work here now?” in such a way that makes me want to yell at them everything mean I’ve ever wanted to say and remind them I’m in SCHOOL….but I’m in school with teens and early 20 year olds that I have little to nothing in common with. I’ve had my time being called the boring one, the square and I’ve surprised everyone by wearing the stupid red vinal dress with boots and running the ticket booth for Rocky. I’ve been so drunk I’ve fallen off chairs while dancing and all my co-workers from The Cliffs in 1999 saw my underwear and I cried because my underwear didn’t match my dress. Then all the handsome young men I work with treat me like an idiot the rest of the night, talking to me very slowly – I remember everything about that night right down to who I made out with on the The Cliffs. No one would have made fun of me THEN, they would’ve been JEALOUS. (shruggs) but it “only counts” if someone sees you, and if “only counts” if the person you made out with you had the hotts for and he ultimately had the hots for you, we were just very good friends and still are. I’ve had people tell me how sexy I am, and how fat I am. I’ve been told I’m cold and inconsiderate, as I’ve been told I am the most caring person they’ve ever met. I’ve had my share of “you’re dating him???” and yes and no is my answer, like I need to answer to THAT jerkoff! and I’ve had people even question my feelings for Cleveland. Why, when Kaza met him and we’d been dating for only a few weeks she asked me if this was “love out of convenience ” because my sister was getting married, and kaza was getting married so that must have meant that in order to fit in, I needed to find a guy to marry. I’ve had my share of people disappointing me and someone left me. ME, I was PERFECT – you know when you’re 18 and in love, everything is perfect and he left me and it was the best thing he could have done because I was denying all the other girls, the drugs and the lies because I WANTED him to be perfect. I’ve had my share of an abusive relationship, both verbal and physical and again it something that you try to fix because you want it to be perfect.

And after being the person that drinks regularly, does karaoke regularly, smokes when she drinks, does the mon-fri 8am – 5pm job pays rent and bills and has had more miserable relationships with boys than great – I am apparently “too strong and too confident” WELL I GUESS I KNOW HOW TO ACT JACKASSES.

I need to learn to be more vulnerable. WTF. Screw that, you know what happens when people get vulnerable they feel sorry for themselves and others feel sorry for them in support. But here I stand saying I can do it, I can be vulnerable, it just takes the right person for me to show it too. “oh aiyani why don’t you put down your shields” …OH go to hell, its not about shields, it doesn’t even have to be about protecting myself from “being hurt again” those moments are WHY i am so strong NOW. Its never about playing the ‘i’ve been hurt before “card EVER. i think that is the ultimate cop out in just not making a decision. You say because you want someone, or multiple someone’s to feel sorry for you, and sometimes it even works. And you know what? I know, I do know that you don’t want to be hurt again but that’s stuff YOU have to deal with. YOU have to learn to trust people, no one is going to go out their way to make you feel comfortable unless they are going to get something out of it. Even if it is a small praise “thank you for understanding” awwww, how cute – you understand. Get a life.

I AM VULNERABLE. So I don’t CHOOSE to share it with you, that’s MY decision. calm down. I want you to know how I feel, but really – I just don’t care to share it with you. Its not that “its not the right time” or ” i don’t want to ruin the mood” its because I don’t like talking about MY business with YOU. But at the same time, I want to be rescued. Now isn’t that something. I come off too strong, too confident, unwilling to be vulnerable and sensitive and yet I want the knight in shining armor to come and literally sweep my heavy self off my feet and take care of me. What I dont’ want is for him to have to struggle to lift me, ask me about all my relationships and goals and life experiences, and I don’t want him to leave me at home to save someone else, even though I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself. i CAN do it alone, i don’t WANT to do it alone.

Where are the men? Where are the women? Where are all those people who said they’d be here for you. They are available at my fingertips via text message or email, and sometimes even by phone. But there is always this distance problem. the people I want to reach out to, that I do in fact reach out to are miles and MILES AND MILES away. I can’t just drive a few blocks to antoan’s house to vent, visit, and hang out. Can’t see my sister whenever I want, can’t see caitlin or Miss Elzon or Anna Ashford. I can’t see, nor have I seen in YEARS Riley Jones (Mr. Stevers) whom I actually turn to in the middle of the night for guidance and clear views, he is definately someone I wish was closer. I have one friend in this area, Mentor. And that’s good. He’s responsible, and caring and a very real friend (yes as oppose to those very “fake” friends, you know the kind) but he works endlessly and has to travel a lot, so we don’t see each other very often. Even escaping to Kitten’s house for a few hours and a couple cups of coffee is rejuvinating but it doesn’t last long. And seanah said I can call her anytime after 8pm when the caper goes to sleep and I can have all of her attention and we can have wine and talk. That’s nice, that’s all very very nice.

I’ve been trying to lose weight for years. and what for? For a guy? no, he’s fine with how I look and I hate it. For my family? no, they love me just as I am. For my career? well – I SHOULD since more than once i’ve been told I’m “too pretty to be a character actor, and too big to be a leading lady” so I decide that THAT is why I have to lose weight. And I always start a new nutrition and exercise regime, and it never lasts because I’m aiming for something I’ve never seen.

HELLO, did you see that – I’m aiming for something I have never seen. Well that’s new isn’t it. I want this, I want that because I see it somewhere else but now I want it ON me. I’ve always been “plus size” and I hate it, I hate myself for it every day. EVERY DAY. And that’s really what this all comes down to. I am too strong and confident because if I make people believe that my weight doesn’t matter to ME, than maybe it won’t matter to them. This theory has only worked once so far, in my limited testing. I called him “the experiment.” And while living in Burbank, CA with Antoan I actually met him at Sunset Dunes. and he was one of the most attractive beautiful men I’d ever seen in my life. All physical, we didn’t have anything in common for reals but I never once said anything about my weight, or my pudge, or my rolls and he never said anything. He loved everything about my body, that’s the best I’ve ever felt about myself. Can’t get back to that place though, because it doesn’t feel real. He was so manly in that rugged, work with my hands by day, and have no body fat pure muscle sort of way. B.E. and Nahnnah helped coin him the “sticker boy” cause that was something he did on the side for extra money, make stickers.

It all will workout, she said – my mother every time I call her. And she, thus far, has always been right. I trust her, she knows everything about me. I can’t say that for many others including my beloved husband. But there’s things he just doesn’t want to know, as there are things about his life I would also rather not know about. And there have been gents that come into my life and make their mark and I either love it, or regret it, or yearn for it again. Right down to those knights at Medieval Times. Its my happiest place on earth. Its my escape from this world, from my life and for a few hours I scream, eat, and tell a strange man I love him so he’ll throw me a flower or blow me a kiss because its THAT kind of RUSH that doesn’t exist anymore. Im’ not sure it ever has. Its the kind of place you go to when you imagine something happening a certain way. Like meeting a celebrity and what you’d say, what they’d say back and how your relationship grows from there. It’s like disappearing from your 8-5pm and the only queen is you and your are worshiped and you don’t have to clean, pay bills or go to the gym. You are perfect just as you are.

I can have curly or straight hair if I want
I have a roof over my head, indoor plumbing, and food in my fridge.
I have clothes on my back
I have a flexible job that *I* chose to keep, and they are completely supportive of my acting
I have friends that are just a phone call, a text message or an email away
I have a wonderful loving family
I have a drama free life, mostly. 😉
I have a car for transportation, even though gas is now $3.59
I have a husband
I have a best friend
I have my christmas tree decorated and presents to wrap
I have a place to sleep, blankets to keep me warm

I also have:
makeup to cover my face up and make it appear that I didn’t cry all night
a cluttered living space, because we have too much crap
fear of not getting enough money to pay rent next month
family that i don’t get to see
friends I can’t see
goals that seem unattainable

and why is that after knowing the things I have, the experiences I’ve had with people all my life growing up, the trophies from karate, the dance competition ribbons, the theatre resume, the schooling, the bricks I can break, the advise I can give, the home life…….why can’t I just be content and or happy with it?

When i dream lately its always exciting, and then I wake up
When I go to work I dread it, but at least no ex classmates come in to make me feel worthless
when I talk to antoan it IS like he’s really sitting next to me
when i go to the gym I feel better about myself

What could I possibly want or need that I don’t already have?

I want the fairy tale. I want to rub it in to all those who ever made me feel miserable. i want them to go to the movies and see how wonderful I look and to think that if they were nicer and cooler to me, maybe we’d be friends and it’d be them in the spotlight with me as my friends going to fantastic parties. I want to literally be swept off my feet and carried by my knight in shining armor. I want to be debt free!, I want free gas and a large estate with a castle built with really tall doors. I want to take care of my mommie and get her a quaint cottage with a jacuzzi and personal massage therapist at her beck and call. I want a toned flat stomach and fantastic arms.

The only thing for me is, its something I’ve never seen before. Like my body, lean and tone – never seen it, so i don’t know that it exists. Maybe seeing is believing. How can I make myself see it? How can I get there? It will take discipline and motivation, but do I have that? with all my “strength and confidence” do I have what it takes to fight for my goals? My career goals, my weight goals, my living goals? I’m not content and happy because I chose to not accept where I am as being such, so if I want to change it. . . what does it begin with .

And if you are not content and or happy with where you are, what are the choices you can make to begin changing it to your ultimate place of happiness.

Be wise and healthy my friends, enjoy what you have now even if you are trying for more. More of ANYTHING. I know we’re supposed to enjoy life, that its a ride but if I don’t like this particular crazy roller coaster can I switch rides? Do I even have to stay at this park? Does life come with a hopper pass, or should I shuttle over to another place? And at the end of the day, my feet will hurt, I will still have to find my car and drive home, go to sleep, and wake up so I can tryout the other rides to find the one that I love. Will my family and friends support my decision to keep looking at rides and roller coasters? probably. Will cleveland hop on? I’m not sure, we love each other but for sure we have different views about things sometimes. I think some rides I have to go on alone to form an opinion about all by myself, other times we may need more than two to balance it out, hopefully if that happens our family and friends will be along for the ride, instead of strangers that are bitter from standing in line too long, on the other hand bitter strangers are normally the ones that make me appreciate my life right where it is.

Its give and take

nothing is certain accept change

and sometimes you really can just shrug it off

seeing may be believing
the grass doesn’t have to be greener, it may just be that there IS grass and I didn’t have it before

the glass isn’t half empty or full, nor does it matter what’s in it, what matters is – do i have to drink it?

which ride are you on? do you like it, or do you want off

are you wearing good walking shoes today for your adventure

do you chose the rides that you only sit in, safely buckled or do your feet dangle, do you go upside down and which do you inevitably prefer

whatever you choose, make sure you know it is just that – a choice.

So, in order to go through the brief happenings on Halloween 2007 I feel I should explain the History first.

SCREAM was released in theatres December of 1996. I was 17 and dating Ryan Eugene Welch. I drove my burgundy 87 Honda Accord to pick him up in AG (I was also in AG at the time) and we drove to Santa Maria to see it at Edwards Cinemas. Of course, the movie scared me. The face, THAT face, that mask was horrible and frightful and I couldn’t eat the popcorn we bought because I was afraid I’d inhale it and choke and die. And I remember thinking “holy crap they just killed Drew Barrymore in the first 10 minutes of the film. She was the headliner!” I know that sometime in the middle of the movie I had to pee like no ones business, so I risked going ALONE. Of course with my luck this was after the bathroom scene where Sydney was attacked at school after running away from her boyfriend, and I had to go to the bathroom. I walked up the stairs to the bathroom walked in as quickly as I could and then when I was done and I had washed my hands I actually looked under the stalls to check for feet. And I sh** you not there were a pair of black shoes/boots with black pants in the end stall. I ran out of the bathroom and down the stairs and waited a few seconds to see who came out of the bathroom, but when they didn’t exit right away I started wondering if I imagined it. Did I go back up to check? HELL NO. So I go back to the movie, we watch it, I get extremely scared and frightened and now its over. We find out it was the boyfriend and his best friend and I really liked Randy – the guy who explained the rules of the scary movie. And I was scared when he was shot, but he survived – yay. The END. We get in the car, I drive him home telling him how much I hate it. But I give them credit for scaring me, since that was their job. There is something just much more crazy about something that could happen. When its a human killing a human it seems much more scary than the digital smoke bank that’s chasing you to kill you and your kin. So I drop Ryan off and I drive home. Everything is dark EVERYWHERE. There is only one streetlight on my mothers street and its a few houses away from hers. Everyone has turned off their porch lights because everyone is home now, except me. I call my sister on my cel phone and tell her I saw the scariest movie EVER and she needed to come out to the driveway to get me. I told her if she came out running I would hit her and scream at her and she had to stay on the phone with me the whole time. And she did, she was a good sister. And I slept with the light on – for a few days.

The year turned, I became 18, I graduated high school and started working at Corning Revere, a kitchen store in the Pismo Outlets. I was there a few months and could handle myself on the floor alone for a while if I needed to be, and then it was Halloween. The outlet stores had all agreed to have trick-or-treating times for kids from 4pm – 6pm. We all had decorations and candy for the kids. Some stores could dress up, we didn’t, well I know that I didn’t. I was on the floor by the register. It was a box with 2 registers, one on each side and one point of entry. I was cutting paper on one side and ringing on the other, my boss was in the back room. Some little kids came up and I gave them their candy and that was that and in the moments between those kids leaving, I squatted down to grab more paper to cut and stood back up they were gone, and that face was there. I was taller than him (he? she? doesnt matter) but i know I took a nervous breath before saying “can I help you” as sarcastically as possible, trying to downplay my mild fear that was cooking beneath the surface of my skin. All he did was slowly lean forward towards me over the counter and say “oooooooooooo” in a low hum almost. I remember clearing my throat and making myself stand still and said “I don’t like, you either need to leave or take your mask off” he stood up straight said “okay” shrugged his shoulders and walked out then started running with his hands up screaming at people. No one else was in the store and I had to go to the back to tell my boss what happened, and then when security walked by I told them there was a kid out there dressed like that and he didn’t need to be running around scaring the little toddlers out and about. He said he’d go talk to him, and left.

SCREAM 2 was released in December of 1997. Ryan and I went to visit Antoan in Utah and we went to see it, even though I said I hated the first one and I knew I would hate the second one, we went. It was a large dome theatre. We got popcorn and beverages. As the years go by, I notice I remember less and less of these events, but what I know I will share. The Dome theatre was like any other theatre accept when we entered the room where our movie was going to be played, it was pitch black. No adds were on the screen, no low lights to find a seat just 2 streams of what looked like tubed Christmas lights lining one aisle to walk down. Antoan was leading the way holding my hand, he had the drink, I had the popcorn, Eugene (Ryan) was somewhere behind me. Antoan had let go of my hand and a few seconds later I couldn’t see him so I figured he chose the aisle we were going to sit in and I was to follow. I turned and there was a person there, I leaned down and said “is that you antoan” and the person sitting there simply turned and said “no” – but he was wearing the mask. I screamed. . . .slightly and backed up, ran into the seats behind me, spilled some popcorn and knocked over someones drink. After laughter happened for everyone else, I stood up offered to replace someones beverage, got a no thanks, its okay that was worth it sort of thing, and ryan picked me up and chuckled and led me to our seats.

Of course if you remember, part 2 begins in a movie theatre so I hate this even MORE. I remember more of this film than the first by the end of it. I was super sad that Randy died, I loved everyone’s new hair do, I could do without Sarah Michelle Gellar, but she was thrown off a balcony so whatever. It was sad when Sydney’s boyfriend got shot, and equally upsetting when Duey got shot. And I can remember the sound of the knife being waved through the air so quickly and eratically that the sound alone sent shivers up my spine. In the end it was Billy’s mom (killer boyfriend from part 1) and a random “new hire” is what I called him. No relation to sydney, no reason to try to kill her and others accept he was sick and demented and the mom had found him on some website. I remember saying I did not see that coming! with the mom, she was out of no where. And she went from reporter trainee to serial killer in a heartbeat. Her eyes got SO big. In the end Cotton Weary showed up and helped save the day, then both Gail Weathers and Sydney let guns fire away. Sydney even shot the mom in the head and said “just in case” and dropped the gun and I remember thinking WOAH her life sucks if those are the kind of “precautions” she now takes.

Then the year turned, it was now 1998 I started working at the Cliffs Resort in Shell Beach and in the summer started dating Brandt Michaels. Halloween came with only a quick homage from no other than Matthew Hansen, Robin’s boyfriend at the time. We were at someone’s apartment in SLO and I was asked to go get Matt from the balcony so i did just to see him in the mask, with a toy knife and a big cloak. I remember pushing him almost off the balcony and running inside to everyone laughing saying things like “omg that was AWESOME” I got over it quickly, again trying to downplay my fear. Matty came in took the mask off and said “yani, if I REALLY scared you that terribly I’m sorry, really” I said ok, then I asked for another drink.

1999 came around quickly, I was still dating Brandt and our biggest fight was that I didn’t want to go to his senior prom with him, having graduated 2 years ago. He always thought I was cheating on him with Bear (Randy Bear) and my boss at the hotel didn’t like it when he’d come around and hang out. I admit now that that is unprofessional but when your 20 and bored at work, its nice to have someone to talk to. Halloween came and I had to go to a Haunted House because Brandt was a part of it and I had to be supportive – I hate Halloween at this point, and ps I’ve never liked Haunted Houses. It was in a building of what used to be a bank, I think, in the Madonna shopping plaza. Before the building was a starbucks, and blockbuster video and supercuts – you know which one I mean? I went with Ro (RoBear. . . Robin) I remember spooky music and dark rooms and Brandon was in a small cubicle like place wearing scrubs and bleeding all over the place, it was gross. Then there was the room. A room that was pitch black, then someone turned a black light and the walls were covered in THAT mask. and I thought to myself you have GOT to be kidding me. How perfect to have that which haunts me most surrounding me in a room with strangers. Some masks were still, some were moving up and down the wall and some were moving about the cabin, if you will. They were coming up and touch people, mom’s and dad’s were creeped kids hated it and loved it, I was trying to hide – but I was near the front. It came closer to me, with that sly ghostlike move and a lom hum of “ooooooooooo” and I said firmly something along the lines of “I don’t like the mask, I HATE the Scream Movies, get out of my face or I’ll hit you” there was a pause and then……….the leaned in to me with a jolt and an “aagghhhh!” and sure enough I socked him. ……..Warned you didn’t I DAMNIT. the lights came on, we could see what the room really looked like, we were escorted out of the room and told to proceed. I don’t know if I hit a girl or a boy to this day. I remember not proceeding slowly, but quickly past the rest of the house that I paid what. . .$5 for? Ro and I left and there wasn’t anything to be said about it.

Sigh, the year turned, welcome to Y2K and everything was about the Millenium. Antoan was living in L.A, only 181 miles away and was hanging out alot with PG and Jenr. We were all drinking age now so it was fun to go dancing and drink a bit etc etc etc.

SCREAM 3 was released in February 2000. Of course, I actually wasn’t expecting there to be a third installation, but there were previews and everyone said they were going to see it. Everyone but me. I didn’t want to be scared again, I really just wanted to let it go. Jack and Antoan convinced me to go see a matinee with Jack because it would give me “closure” why do i need closure – I just don’t want to go. I went. I remember sitting there with my hand up by my eyes 90% of the time and making fun of it, because it would put me at ease and I remember leaving. That’s it.

I don’t remember anything about it. Its been years since I’ve watched any of them on purpose. I know that I tried to defeat my fears a few years ago and watched the first one, but couldn’t handle watching anymore.

Over the past years in order to watch scary movies I have to make fun of them, and it has to be daylight and I refuse to do it alone.

Halloween 2007. Cleveland had to work, we live in Vista, CA and I don’t know anyone. I talk to Antoan almost every day, if not every other day so we actually have stuff to talk about. He told me that I had to get candy for trick-or-treaters and I said fine, yes I normally do what he tells me to. And he said I have to watch a scary movie. OH HERE WE GO. why do you force me to do these things???? why do you hate me??? And really being in Utah he’s not MAKING me do much. I could always tell him no – but maybe it was time to overcome my fears.

I agreed to watch Scream – the Trilogy. I started at 4:30pm. I was doing laundry and stuff around the house when i needed a break. That was the nice part. I could control when I would watch it and when it would have to wait. Antoan stayed on the phone with me for the first movie in its entirety. Then he had to go watch his scary movies and visit with his mom etc etc etc. and it was just me and Scream part 2. I gave myself a pep talk – no seriously – and reminded myself of everything I could remember about the movie so that I would not be caught off guard and began to watch it. Again there were many pauses and a number of rewinds because the vodka, oj, and cranberry juice was starting to effect me. I carefully measure out 2 shots of vodka per beverage and stumbled back to watch the movie. Half way through I needed a break and played on the internet for a bit and drank more. I finished part 2, no harm no foul. I felt strong! We might as well go all the way ladies and gents and I started part 3. But i was so drunk at this point I didn’t understand what was happening. I rewound more in the first 30 minutes than anything I’ve ever rewound on purpose. Why the Hell was Jenny McCarthy in it – and I had to write down a reminder note, hence my last entry, to ask myself these questions. It was part 3!! It was the end!! Why didn’t I remember any of it??!!! They’re making more Stab movies? Sydney called herself Laura? I was in a time warp of some kind. And now there were 2 gails? One dressed for now, the other in costumes from part 1 along with hair from part 1. It wasn’t making any sense. Duey was alive? I thought he died – did I miss that too? should I go back and watch the end of part 2 again?

Cleveland called and said he was on his way home, I didnt’ realize it was so late. . . well. . 10:30 ish isn’t THAT late but I’ve been drinking for 4 hours now and have been watching the first 30 minutes of part 3 for more than an hour. I was home sick, sniffling, coughing, and drinking and eating the crunch bars I bought for trick-or-treaters that never came.

Drunk Dialed someone. Talked to them for an hour and a half. Was still on the phone when cleveland got home, but it was a good conversation so I wanted to finish it. Around midnight I was off the phone, and taking cold medication – I had a total of 10 shots of Vodka in my system and down it with water and talked a bit to cleveland about laundry and scream and scream 2 and my drunk dial. then we went to bed.

I woke up and I was actually eager to watch part 3. My head was clear and I could handle it, it was daylight i knew how the other two went, I’ve seen this face a few times in my life – its just a movie.

play.

yay for Randy and his video tape explaining the difference between another sequel and a trilogy, yay for the interesting part of seeing a set that looks like the house, the killer is syndeys half brother? are you kidding me? And he was behind it the WHOLE time – that’s insane. And yes I thought Patrick Dempsey was going to be the killer but I couldnt’ figure out why. I thought maybe it was the girl “playing” sydney and she was a jealous half sister – but then she died. woops! so I was half right that it was a half-sibling, but I didnt’ figure it out.

these movies are insane, and crazy – and I was now mildly obsessed.

I watched them all again, with Commentary. Then I watched special features, and on the set stuff

Do I love these movies now? nope
Will I watch them again? probably
Am I still scared of that face? yah, a bit
do I recommend these movies? if you have never seen them, and you like to get started and scared – sure
will I make a scary movie in the future? i’m not sure. for years it was definately no, seeing outtakes makes it a little different – I still wont’ do a water movie, and I still don’t see myself able to do a love scene.
am I glad I watched all of them? um…I think so, I think facing your fears helps you beat them

is this my only fear? no, not at all.

thanks for staying. thanks for reading. thanks for caring.

this is a note to remind myself of what i want to write:

part 3. I don’t remember any of this. I’m sure I don’t remember ANY of it. drink number 4 = 2 shots of vodka per drink with orange juice and cranberry juice. tell the story of what you remember from “scream” then tell the story of what you watched on halloween. Right down to the hairstyles of your friend Courtney. with highlights in the first film, low red lights in the second and long black hair with SUPER short bangs for the 3rd one. I’m convinced that I’ve never seen this, but i know I have – I know I was forced to when it came out. Forced = Tricked by the by.

Patrick Dempsey? really? jenny ….something – not Garth. Jenny the X- Bunny now dating Jim Carey

again – lol, 4 drinks now each with a measured 2 shots of Vodka

I’m glad that Duey didn’t die in part 2 like I thought he did.. . . like I “remembered” he did.

fun spot from Silent Bob and Jay

LOL, Cleveland has called me to tell me he is on his way home from Zombie Prom and told me Johnnny…..LOL JENNNY’s last name is McArthy (sp?) lOL and I keep my phone dropping. . . dropping my phone. . . he’s gonna get me cold medication!!!!! this is a good thing! and toilet paper, because we’re on the last roll.

seriously I don’t remember watching this and YET. . . . YET i KNOW that I have.

stay tuned.

drunken A.I. – out.