Aiyani Mersai

For those of you on the Wicked-Wagon here is the updated info, and it will continue to be updated as the info makes its way to me:

Who’s going:
Me
My Miguel
Smurf
Caitlin
Jack 2005
Sergio
Mandy + 1 (maybe)
myfavoritesister
Gracee
Kevin + 2 (maybe)
Brighteyes
Jason Sumabat
Lisa Marie + 1
Derek (LM’s Friends)
Paul (LM’s Friends)
Lisa Dean (maybe)
Larry Kaml + family
Ashley Ashmore (maybe)
Fellow Adobe Players (this coude be up to 25 people)
Loke
Sgt James
Mahroomah (pending research)
David, kaza’s david (pending research)

We (Lisa Marie and Myself) found getting a tour bus could be around $20-$30 per person

I have yet to get ahold of a Pantages Theatre Associate and get an estimate on Group Rates

WHEN:
A Saturday matinee in July (it runs for the entire month of July)

The matinee because we plan on going there and back in one day, finding hotel rooms could mean you rooming with complete strangers 42 to 4 to a room and costing MORE money – not necessary.  The bus?,  because why drive when we don’t have to

Kevin – I know you have to be back for skarieokie BUT tell Mark NOW to be prepared for you to be late – i REALLY want you to go

I’m calling the theater on Tuesday (they’re closed monday) to get an estimate on group tix – ticket prices for wicked have not yet been released by the way.

Ladies and Gentleman~

I just read in Kaza’s journal something about not doing something for someone else or to prove myself to anyone and the first thing I said was “yes I am” in regards to this horrible feeling of jealousy that was brought to my attention this evening.  I feel like all my life I’ve wanted NOTHING more than to perform.  To be in film and on television and I feel like EVERY step I’ve taken has assisted me to get this far but as much as I think of my goals my returning fears are always, ….while I’m on “MY journey” I’ll run into people I don’t like, that didn’t like me, AND they’ll make fun of me for not being where or who I want to be.  Which is why I go in and out of being okay working at the green apron.  I feel like by NOW I should have invitations for the golden globes and grammy’s and oscars and everything.  And further more feel like I was closer when I lived in la la land but have since pushed it away to “regroup” as I”ve been told.  Then I think again…..I can’t go to my ten year reunion 1) HUGE…weighing a metric ton (at least that’s how I feel 2) NOT successful in all MY dreams, but somehow more importantly I DO want to prove myself to everyone I ever knew.  I DO want them to go “Oh My God….Aiyani Mersai is on the cover of People magazine for being up for 2 oscars this year” and have them want my autograph and their picture taken with me. …then I realize that’s fame and fortune.  And somewhere between finding myself, and chasing my dreams I lost the love of the art itself.  YES I want to make enough money to succeed in what I LOVE to do which is perform.  YES I still want to be in movies NO I don’t want to see people I “used” to know because a part of me breaks and feels like a failure everytime that happens, I lose the dream when I close my eyes.  I lose the goal when I get up in the morning. 

I need to change something.  I KNOW I want to start working out with Bear, I KNOW if I stick to somethign I WILL succeed but why do I have to feel mortified and embarrassed before I do so???

I just want to succeed in what I love and not have to feel so crappy about everything that’s happened so far, or that hasn’t happened yet. 

Theres a fine, fine line between reality and pretend.

I find myself driven and only for the moment when someone I knew THEN is making it happen NOW.  I find myself jealous when someone I DON”T KNOW is accepting awards and I’m not in the same room. 

It’s a horrible feeling finding yourself between… all this time I have infront of me, and all the time I’ve lost, and all the time that is wasted looking to and fro.

Do you think if I ask God for a map he’d give me one?

Which Depressed Icon Is You? by drunkaholic
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Any ideas why I’m broken?  Anyone? Anyone at all?…..I could probably actually tell you, but that tends to reveal a side of me I leave for very very very VERY few people.  Like my mommie, and maybe 2 other people. 

Tax season is coming up fast and soon and I work 

I have to write out what my bad dreams were about.

I’ve had 3 in three nights.  I dont’ remember the first one, I did when I first woke up then it just went away.  For that I am thankful. 

The second one
I was at Michaels house, The Establishment and I wasn’t sleepy so I opened his door to the hallway and it didn’t look like it normally does…it was a dream.  And at the end of the hallway was a flickering light, like a TV was on.  So I walked over there and sure enough a big screen TV and some people in sleeping bags all crashed out.  I saw this girl I stga with named Evelyn, only I called her Caitlin, and she answered.  I asked what was going on and what she was doing awake and we chatted for a bit.  Then my left arm started throbbing. THROBBING.  and I looked at my sleeve and in the dim light of the television I lifted my sleeve up (it was long) and revealed all these scratches, gashes and scrapes.  “Caitlin” (really evelyn) just said “wow, you should go rinse that off” and I just stared at it.  I started to get more scared when I realized my entire arm was covered in blood and all the wounds were still bleeding.  She pointed to me where the “shower room” was.  And it was like this HUGE door to a bathroom and then you walked in on the tiny tile like a handycapped shower and I turned the water on and pulled the short width curtain over.  Getting my clothes soaked I took them off and just put them on the floor (yah, I know…that didn’t help keep them dry)  and the water was perfect temperature without me having to adjust and every time I rinsed off the blood and pulled my arm away….it would start bleeding again.  Then all of a sudden the door slung open and Sean…this random guy i know from skarieokie (kevin….big annoying sean that used to shadow randy)…came walking in asking if i was ok.  I started shouting that he had to get out and wasn’t listening he just kept walking towards me.  I grabbed the light yello curtain and wrapped it around me as best I could and said again “Sean!, Sean you have to leave” and he said he wanted to see it…i didn’t know what he meant and he wasn’t talkign to me like in that perverted sortof way….just like he didn’t realize I was in the shower and wanted to see my cuts. it was wierd.  But I told him one more time, and he said ok and left.  Without a towel to dry off with and fear of someone else barging in I put my entirely soaked clothes on and headed towards Michaels room.  In the TV room “Caitlin” said Michael came looking for me and she told him I was in the shower but that was over 2 hours ago.  And I just said “WHAT???” How was I in there for 2 hours????” She just shrugged and continued to roll up her sleeping bag.  I began panicking….i don’t know why but I just did and I started to run to Michaels room and before  I made it there I decided to hang a hard right and head for the side door.  I don’t know where I was going but Michael stopped me.  He just yelled “hey!” and came flying out of his room and grabbed my arm, my left one.  In utter agony but for some reason absolutely petrified to let out a cry of pain or help I just looked back and he said “get in here” and pulled me into his room and through me onto the living room floor.  Confused, bleeding and scared I still didn’t scream.  I couldn’t –  He said something about why I was running away or why I was gone for so long but he sounded like he was so far away when he was talking that I couldn’t make out what he was saying.  Finally I heard him say “I’ll do it again.”  And *I* didn’t understand, but the me in the dream did.  And almost like I was a second voice to this frightened aiyani in a dream I told me what to say and all i could get out was “do what again?” and Michael got SOOO mad and he started throwing things and grabbed this whip/rope thing then pulled up my sleeve and said THIS and right before he swung the whip I woke up.

A huge headache and a slight anxiety feeling in my chest I looked over at Michael sound asleep, and went back to sleep.  This dream came from nothing, it came from no where.  Not a scary movie, not anything REMOTELY close to our relationship in real life, not a story I read…nothing.  And there is nothing Michael would ever do to me. EVER.  I hate bad dreams.

The Third One
I was in a store.  I walked in, in almost slow motion and I couldn’t make out what I was looking at but I walked by my dad and he was talking to this guy.  Tall, shaved head but dark hair comming in.  A blue collared shirt and a tan what looked to be a suede jacked, blue jeans.  I just watched them talk, unable to hear them and I pretended to be looking at what I really could not see or make out.  And with a quick glance up and again moving in slow motion I saw them get into a fight and what I thought was a punch to my dadda’s stomach was infact a hand with knife at the end of it.  I remember yelling and it being muffled.  I remember running as fast as I could and though he was only feet from me it took an eternity.  I heard my dad say “no don’t stab me again” and I got there and the guy pointed the knife at me and ran off.  I almost went after, not knowing how I alone could make everything right, but in the corner of my eye saw my dad start to fall backwards.  He landed what looked to be a very hard landing, but made no sound.  He didn’t cryout, he didn’t look, he didn’t say anything.  he just looked at me.  I saw him bleeding and went to put both hands on his cut and then he let out a cry of pain.  I kept saying I’m sorry I’m sorry! and i couldn’t get it to stop.  It was so real…I could feel the his warm blood flowing out of him all over my hands and I was crying out for help and NO one noticed.  People kept walking by but I was invisible to him.  I took one of my dads hands and said press here and made him press on his own wound while I went for my phone in my bag I dropped a few feet from him.  I got out my phone, only it wasn’t mine now – it was this old red one – and I dialed 9-1-1.  And I remember saying help me like 15 times before anyone on the other line could hear me.  They finally did and just said “where are you” I kept trying to tell them what happened but they kept interrupting me with ” where are you”  Trying to be helpful I looked up out the front door and windows.  My eyes were so teary everything was so blurry and I kept looking and I said ” I don’ t know, I’m in Santa Maria and I see a Payless” There were other buildings too.  It was a complex with a whole bunch of stores” and they asked if I was by the walmart, I have no idea – I had no idea.  “I don’t know I don’t see the sign, I see payless I see a sandwich place” and they said “stay there” and the phone call was released.  They hung up on me?? More panicking more panicking and more blood I kept pressing and looking for something that resembled cloth to help and there was nothing.  There was nothing around, there was no one around listening to me, and no one even looked at me.  I was helpless I kept looking at my dad saying “just wait dad, just wait – someone is going to help us” and he just layed there.  He wasn’t dying, he didn’t die and in the dream it never felt like it was going to be that way, but he was so calm and I was so upset and so scared.  I cried out, I just kept crying out and I remember yelling “no, NO, wake up, wake up , WAKE UP!” and I finally did.

I was in the inbetween waking up fully and trying to see what was happening in my dream.  It all faded away and I saw my clock reading 8am and I heard my brother and dadda talking to get him off to school and I couldnt’ get up.  I just kept looking at the clock, like I was still asleep and by the time I was aware of where I was and that it was all a dream my dadda left for the day for work and I was home alone.  Slowly, I got out of bed. Nervous and lost for words.  I got ready for work and eventually go there.  I called my dad at 12 and left him a message that I really needed to talk to him, that I needed to hear his voice and know he was ok and around 3 he left me a message saying he saw that I called, but he either didn’t listen to my message, or he didn’t get it.  And I wasn’t going to be home til 10pm either.  i waited.  It was one of the longest days of my life, and when I got home he was in his room, in his jammies and on his bed watching TV.  And like a child I said “daddy” and I layed down next to him and just told him about my dream.  He laughed a little, in a sort of …awww its ok way.  it made me feel better to hear him laugh and to hug him saved me from thinking about it even for a split second.

I’ve cried while writing this out, but if i don’t get it out it stays with me.  It will eat at me and it will haunt me.  My dreams were so real that the other night I woke up and my left arm WAS in pain but not a scratch on it.  And this morning waking up and getting through the day was the hardest thing, but my dad was here and he was just fine, ……….he was just fine. (nods to self as reassurance and wipes eyes)

Tonight, I’m scared to sleep but I’m SOOO tired. 

Please……please God – please let me sleep peacefully and soundly, and safely.

Boring day to not bad day to funny night at skariokie.  Boring day at the tax company, got called in to stga.  Well, this girl wasn’t feeling to well and asked if I would take her3 1/2 shift. sure why not.  Then to skarieokie.  I promptly arrived by 9:15 and sang:

Angel – Sarah
By Your Side – Sade
Sorta Fairytale with you – Tori Amos
Holding out for a hero – bonnie Tyler (gotta practice for Loke and Jim’s wedding!)
Let it Be

Then it became a game.  Because NO ONE was there EXCEPT Kevin, Angie, myself and Janet (brad’s wife), and Mr. Dave Castillo sometimes singing there was a lot of play time. We had a Bryan Adams round, then a Neil Diamond round then the WHO DO YOU HATE round.  Where Kevin, Angie and I sang songs from artists we couldnt’ stand.  I almost finished mine, Angie got closer to finishing hers, and kevin just plain stopped 1/2 way through because that’s all he could take.  “what did you sing” do you ask?

Hero – Maria Scarey (me)
My heart will go on – Celine Dion (angie)
Nothing Compares to you – Sinaed O’connor (the god)

Kevin kept throwing in these fabulous new and fun lyrics to just ridicule the song and the artist it really was hysterical.  So thank you Kevin, thank you for cracking me up and now I have too much adrenaline flowing through my veins that I’m too awake to sleep and have to wake up tomorrow.  Though…….not as early as you so I hope you went to sleep fast!  ……..ps kevin – thank you for your email and I’ll write you the story tomorrow afternoon.

As for the New York book I’m writing, no it’s not finished.  I write in it when I can which sometiimes is a few sentences or a paragraph but at least I have my notes to remind me.  I’m sorry – if you are/were waiting for it, though I highly doubt more than 3 people even read this anymore.  (Sweetpea, Brighteyes and Kevin) Kaza……..you don’t count! i know you read it! and I know we talk about everything!  I think Ro and Nahnnah read it too but that’s it. I think my cousin Jorelle reads it too, she’s in Florida!  I’m not friends with most of you like I’m friends with them.  I never see some of you, never….sometimes reading your lj’s I just get confused because I haven’t been keeping up, so I just skip it.  I know you don’t think about me and what I’m doing, and it’s not wah wah wah – I don’t really think of you guys to often anyways.  Allthough……………………

I think of Judy whenever I see fruit
I think of Amy whenever someone uses a good word I know could be good in Boggle
I think of Jax when I or someone elses uses a good soundeffect
I think of Tyler and Jayme when I think of CRAZY PEOPLE IN FAR AWAY LANDS,
I think of Ro when I’m at Spikes, or Mothers Tavern, or The Library and of course Sunset
I think of Brighteyes when I hear Total Eclipse of the Heart and when someone wants to build a drink, then blend it.
I think of my michael alot, lots of things remind me of him – but i talk to him everyday and see him almost every day too – so that’s not really fair.
I often think of Jason Sumabat but I know he doesn’t read this
I think of David (kaza’s boyfriend) when I see an applemartini and when Michael uses “softlips” lipbalm
I think of john – but he doesn’t read this either.
I think of Antoan when I use my AbFab accents or quote Sex in the city and nobody gets it, or when I say something that supposed to be funny but it’s sort of truthful and sad so i pretend to cry too. – he always did that, it was really funny.

I guess I do think of you guys, and maybe I just mostly feel left out because I know we don’t hang out, I know you don’t really think of me because there really isn’t a reason too.  I dont’ even know what I’m saying now it’s getting late and I’m getting delirious

I know I should:
Call Adriane
Call PG

To keep whoever in the loop of the world of aiyani.com:

Tax company: partime this week and next, it will get busy in Feb then it will mon-fri 8-5

STGA:  mostly just Tues/Thurs/Sats and maybe Sundays too

Workout: when I can go I do (i was going to start training with Randy Bear as my personal trainer but I had to blow that money on my stupid car! I love the princessmobile but come on……….she gets jealous and takes every penny I have.  I still owe Midas $233, I still need to pay PBAC $40 for January, and I still need to send off my january car payment for $233.  If anyone knows a good at home business/ work thing I could really use it, I really do need time for me to workout and money to pay bills and sheisser

I’m having lunch with the Angry Housewives  on Friday

My new friend is gonna be in San Francisico next weeked – he’s never been to Cali….FORNIA (thats the hint to tell you he lives in NY) so that will be cool for him…….who’s my friend you say?  Names Ethan, I know him from My space, that’s all.

I need money
I need new contact lenses
I need some toiletries
and I need to lose this weight already.  I wish I wish I wish.

Who is Aiyani to you?

I have some interesting decisions to make and some interesting choices that have made themselves known to me.  I don’t think I’ll be moving back to La La Land in May, I thought at the end of the summer, but if something should happen before then that keeps me here for a couple of years, well then I’ll see you guys around and about.  And if you’re wondering what that something actually is – you can ask me, but be prepared for the long winded answer

“it’s a sign”