Aiyani Mersai

I don’t know – what do you want to know?  My happy thoughts? My sad thoughts? Life in general is one day at a time and as much as that can be motivating one week – it isn’t the next so what do you even want to know? Who even reads this? Who actually has sat down and read my quick entries and the Long winded entries, like 4 of you?  It’s not like I’m scolding anyone or am taking any acusatory position but at the same time, why do I even write it out here?

Like most people out there, even if I have a “good” life the negative and the sadness echo more often than the positive. My thoughts are mostly a negative perception of myself and it won’t change no matter who tells me I’m beautiful, I’m talented, I’m all these things that supposedly make me unique and I light up the room but you know what?  I f*cking sport a green apron 20+ hours a week for $7/hour……….  I used to say things like

“the total room and tax for all days for your group will be $6,837.18 in it’s entirety.  I will need a check of at least half the cost received within the next 2 weeks or your block will be released to regular inventory.  After I’ve recieved the check you will be faxed a receipt that it has been posted to your account securing your rooms until the day of arrival.  the rest of the room and tax will be due upon arrival, upon departure will unfortunately not be acceptable even though you will be paying all incidental charges for your guests.  An incidental check may be signed by you at the front desk if it is company issued blank and we receive authorization prior to your arrival.  Failure to comply with these directions will be a disregard to the contract you signed and the original check sent to secure your block will not be issued back.”

only I said it nicer.

now??? I say “what size do you want?

Where? How? What? huh? Why? Did I..? Could I?  When did…? And it goes from there. Truth is I’m not happy with myself – and I go in and out of being motivated to change that. And I’m disappointed. I’m disappointed because………..because:

My weight – dont’ tell me I look fine for my heighth.
My wages
My vocabulary
My abilities.
My communication skills….they are dimming
Kaza, for not going to skarieokie or to Relay to visit – like I thought she would.
Plantboy for not telling me certain things sooner
PG for not hanging out with me, she was a big convincer on moving back – and I’ve seen her twice.  Once closing night of Angry Housewives, and last week when she and Kaza and I hung out at Firestone.
Michael for going in and out of drama.  It’s not bad, it’s just not necessary – I’m sure I don’t help. But I’ve lost patience trying to explain myself to anyone. It’s the back and forth I can’t stand, and I won’t do it.
My weight – I only wear elastic – don’t tell me I’m “healthy.”
My hair
My attitude
I haven’t met John – but I don’t want to meet him fat anyways right?
I live here and feel like all it did was make me rewind.  Forget that regroup crap – I moved, failed, and had to crawl back.  I hate it. I want to move somewhere where NO ONE knows me, sometimes.  And maryland keeps coming to mind – it won’t leave me alone.  I don’t know anything about Maryland. Nothing. not ONE thing  that would make me want to go.  There and Chicago. Don’t know why – but they some how call to me.
I’m not as smart as I could be
I’m not adventurous
My weight – i don’t fit in any cute clothes and no amount of compliments will fix that.  don’t tell me I’m “real” and that people like that.  Directors and producers apparently don’t
My weight – I have to be fit or fatTER, only ppl as tiny as rene zelweiger or bigger than cameron manheim get jobs. 
*I* haven’t gone to skarieokie in a week and half.  This past tuesday though – my excuse IS valid.  I had to learn to open and had been awak since 4:27am.  No deals.

I’m disappointed because I think I’m going to fail my heart.  I think all my life I’ve only wanted so much to perform and make enough money to live wonderfully and comfortably and take care of my mommie and my family. 

“don’t get distraced”
“stay with it”
“regroup”
“it’s ok”
“focus”

Yah – because saying all THAT will work.  I’m not even mad, this is not venting – this is just exposing my brain and my emotions and trying to get all these thoughts out so I can sleep, so I can rest – so tomorrow when it IS just a new day I can take with a clean slate. I stopped by mommies house today after sporting the green apron – no one was home, which was good.  I played my piano.  It felt great. I sang my songs, that felt better, I started playing around with new sounds new melodies, and it felt like I was accomplishing something.  I’ve decided I do want to play, I want to play for my friends, for my family. And yah – I’m just a skarieokie junkie – and putting myself out there makes me vulnerable but maybe that’s what I should do.  I’m not great – I’ll tell you that right now, and if  I could I’d record my stuff and give you all copies and really try this – but……………I don’t know, what holds me back.  I haven’ t figured out why situations have put me right back where I was, as if I’d never left.  But apart of me is willing to try to figure it out and let it all happen the way it’s supposed to, and the other part demands answers and reasons.  That part remains upset, depressed, disappointed and somehow – threatened.  Threatened by all my classmates that I never want to see again – that they are doing better than me.  it IS a competition and I dont’ know if I’m in the race or not or if I’m brave enough to try.  Threatened by those who would attempt to ruin me and what i’ve become because of what they conjure in their own mind.  Threatened by looking back and holding back. 

Where is forward from here.  I’m not, at this moment – depressed or angry, i’m ……..lost. I’m not worried or resentful – yet. I’m just………here, wondering.  here pondering.  Like in a chess game – which I’m not that great at btw…trying to figure out the next move in order to succeed the ultimate goal…..what will i have to give up next in order to get where I want to be.  I’m in my cacoon waiting to figure out when it will be my turn to fly.  I’m a small child.

I’m the one waiting, and i’m losing my patience.  It’s difficult when you are told your too fat for leading lady or this print job, and it’s harder yet when they say you’re too pretty to be a character actor. 

So what are my choices?

ps. someone today left me a message.  he told me he was thinking of me, and he can’t stop thinking of me and he still loves me.  that a part of him still hopes there will be something between us.  His name is Casey.  I met him about 2 years ago and I wouldn’t even say we were dating….I’d say we hung out sometimes and he went to the grocery store with me once.  Kaza knows him – some of you may know him or recognize him from the bar. (sunset that is) BUT – it was random and odd and just something ELSE that was on my mind.

goodnight neverland.

Kevin? I WILL see you saturday at the dunes. anyone else?

This is one of the best ones YET!

I told Kevin and Brighteyes I’d go to skarieokie this day, but didn’t.  I didn’t necessarily lie because my original plan WAS to go.  Kaza and I were at the barn, kicked the boys out who live there for a while, we had our favorite roomah ice cream with 2 spoons and watched When Harry Met Sally.  It was wonderful and fabulous.  Then we started My Best Friends Wedding, again wonderful and fabulous – then all of a sudden it was midnight, I text Kevin – don’t know if he got them.  I’m sorry, I wasn’t being flakey just having a lil roomah time.  However pretty sure both of us will be at Harry’s this thurs, as should everyone else because we need to make Harry’s a lil more “us” if you know what I mean. Thanks.

I’ve gone to the gym 2 days in a row now.  Yesterday and today – hadn’t gone since I hurt my back July 16th.  Figured it was safe by now.  I was very careful and aware of everything my back was doing – so there’s that. 

I sport the green apron tomorrow from 5pm to close – oh joy.  Then I have a LONG day thursday…..as if 5 hours of coffee didnt’ kill me I have 8 to look forward to. oh well.  it enabled me to get relay days off this weekend, so I’ll just suck it up.  Brighteyes – thank you for the reminder list, I will see you thursday at sunset dunes at 7pm. 

Notes:
Plantboy – don’t forget, I want the set list. (big grin)
mahroomah – thanks for playing this day
PG – thanks for dinner this day
Mark and Christian – though you don’t read this page….i don’t think……….thank you for letting kaza and I kick you out of the barn for a bit. and Christian!! I don’t have your email of phone number. and hi – if you dont’ read this you won’t know that. (everyone chuckles)
Eddie viewers on Monday – thanks for playing and the second viewing will be announced soon/eventually. hahahahaa
Camelot household – thank you for letting us use your house for the viewing.

I want to read the Da Vinci Code.  Think I’ll go to the libraray tomorrow and see if they have that.

I’m tired, so I’m going to sleep now.  Have a great day – and thank you for tuning into theworldofaiyani.com/livejournal  hahahahaha bye.

b>EDDIE IZZARD
You still wanna play???? HI HI HI HI HI HI – As of now, ……
Where:  Camelot –
When:  Monday August 9, 2004
What time: 7pm
  So far I believe it’s Michael, Me, Rookie? Alana?  Brighteyes? Kermit? Kaza – not sure on her.  She promised someone she’d take a yoga class.  So I don’t know. Sergio? Amy? Joel? Kevin? Vicki? Does anyone read this and FEEL like watching Eddie?  Who’s Eddie Izzard? Stand up Comedian.  HILARIOUS. Sir charlemagne? Judy? – you live there…you gonna play???……… Loke? Jim? WHO WANTS TO PLAY.  Ring-a-ding ding me or comment on this, or email me – WHATEVER.  I still want to watch it!!!!!!!  Come and Play.  Bring….. I dont’ know,  munchies and drinkies YOU ……BRING YOU.  I’d say the viewing shall promptly begin by 7pm, so show up like at….6:47? ok. hi.

and birthdays, sorry i’m a lil late on this one:
8/1 Gracee Kenny
8/4 Mikey D (in La La Land)
8/5 Amy Watkins (is that right? the 5th??hhhmmmmm)
8/8 Logan Patrick-Murdock Blackwell
8/8 Randy (I am your biggest fan….)
8/9 Ro (ps we’re goin’ out after the Eddie Viewing!!!!)
8/10 Mr. Stevers
8/10 Mrs. Manager Bowman (Stefi from the Cliffs)
8/14 Myfavoritesister
8/16 Bob Fialkowski
8/19 Prettygirl
8/19 Roger Rabbit
8/27 Marcster
8/30 Jimmy (friend in Vegas)

Medieval Times – wanna go to that too?  I’m looking at Saturday 8/28.  What do you think.

NY – I’m looking at September 20 – 27ish

Starbucks – ode to  the days where wearing a green apron will be a fond and fun memory.  No, It was fine today.  I was just a lil tired.  Having only got 3-4 hours of sleep.  I was on register, gettin’ better at that!!! Haven’t played with the espresso machine since the first day I was introduced to it.  Frappucino’s will be second nature soon.  Great, fabulous, fine.

Brighteyes – Mr. Matt Manager even remembered (via looking at the “request” calendar) to give me this weekend off for Relay.  So yay for ppl behaving correctly.  Sorry I was wierd last night – was I wierd?  hhmm…

Happy birthday Amy and those who missed out on the creme puff things – are SOOOOO jealous right now.  ALL OF YOU!!!! JEALOUS. 

Sergio – thanks for my dress!!! It is a lil big, but I will volunteer my mommie to take it in a bit!  It’s beautimus maximus.  Thanks for thinking of me when you were out and about.

And here’s a thought for everyone else.  My dad killed 2 chickens in the backyard on thursday night, chopped their heads right off.  Pulled out the feathers with his bare hands.  Pulled out the guts with his bare hands, soaked ’em froze ’em and is now marinating them for a BBQ tonight. I can’t bring myself to eat it – I know I’ve had chicken before.  But the fact that their blood is in my backyard? is just sort of ….well……..ewe.  Reminds me of the story with Tyler and Jayme and the…….. rooster? next door? I dont’ know – something like that.  Then there was peace from the neighbors yard. hahahahaha. but ewe. So yah – I’ll let you know if I break down and eat some or not.  It’s just a lil wierd for me.

And with that – I think I’ll take a nap.  Bit tired afterall.  If I dont’ hear from you guys soon I will assume i will SEE YOU TOMORROW AT CAMELOT.  if you don’t go I will say this “Whatever you’ve changed” and I’ll sign it to you too cause I learned how to last night from Sarryh.

What stupid celebrity are you destined to kill? by daydreamer8852
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All I can say…..Is “Right ON!!!” hahahahah…..”aaawwwww and so Close in Holidays and the New Year….what a shame”

Uh…..again “Right ON!!!” hahahahaahah

Uh……This is a “talent” I knew not of.  Can you call that a talent? Thought it would be like Kissing, or flirting, or swimming – you know something …”ing” not haveING” something……wow.  John Mayer should be excited about that one eh?  mmuuuahahahahahaahah

That’s it – nothing really to say or “report” oranything.  Kaza’s Children’s Educational Theatre group…thing is this Friday at 4pm at the Little Theatre….where Sapphire Moon was.  It’s going to be like a 30 minute production of Music Man.  Michael and I are going if anyone else wants to play.  Please do so. My eyes are still really tired, and I have a stuffy nose, and itchy water eyes, and I’ve been sneezing all day, and I have a bit of a sore throat.  Who wants to take care of me? Who wants to baby me?  ……hhmm…..no takers huh? well – “haveatchoo” hahahahaha that’s all. 

bye

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Humans think I dig the girlies.  What am I supposed to say to that????!!! hahahahahahaaha. Well, Brighteyes WAS my valentine for TWO years in a row now……

ok, i’m REALLY going to go eat now.  Love you bye.

Today was Fun at Starbucks.  That’s right folks. FUN.  Neither the manager or my trainer was there – don’t know if that had anything to do with it, but I was not as stressed with the people I was working with today.  I had fun.  So there ya have it.  And today I tried a Grande Soy no Water Chai.  Pretty yummy.  Thanks. However Matt, then manager scheduled me for the day I’m going to the Fair and seeing the Goo Goo Dolls……no deals.  I put it on the unavailable thing – have to remedy that.  I WILL NOT MISS the concert. That’s not nice.