Aiyani Mersai

The images remain very clear in my brain, and I’m sure this had everything to do with why I didn’t sleep well last night.

Ben and I were on our way home from Hudsons (with the cast of Angry Housewives)last night, like 12:20am ish and as we were driving I saw 2 figures waving their hands on the side of the road, looking for assistance. I hit my brakes but couldn’t slow down quick enough so I asked Ben if we should go back. Though it’s not something I normally do, or EVER have done, we exited Los Osos Valley Road and circled around to Madonna to see what was going on. When we got to the Madonna onramp there was a truck with his hazards on. He got out of his car and asked if I had a cel phone, I said yes and he said call 911, someone was hit and to follow him. So, wide-eyed and very nervous I called 911 and followed the truck.

On the phone with the dispatcher told him where we were and that I couldn’t see anything yet. Then we stopped just off the onramp and there was a younger guy on the side standing and we got out of the car and Ben stood next to the young kid. Later we found out he was 17. And the dispatcher wanted to know what I could see. So I walked over to this body lying down on the shoulder and stood right over him and told the dispatcher what I saw.

A guy, eyes closed, tongue was slightly out of his mouth….I don’t think he’s breathing. It looks like he’s missing his right hand, and there are gashes all along the right side of his body. There’s blood trailing from the middle of the highway to the shoulder where we are. The dispatcher asked if he’s awake, and I said I don’t know and I tried to talk to him. I didn’t touch him, I didn’t know what to do…..”Hello?”….”Can you hear me?” “Can you open your eyes?”…nothing….The dispatcher said the CHP and an ambulence is on it’s way and for us to stay put. So we did.

Cop cars started showing up, a firetruck and they put flares all along the side of the highway so block of the right lane. They didn’t talk to us right away, they were checking on the guy. His friend said his name was Logan and he was around 24. The police kept talking to the younger kid trying to ask what happened. He said they were walking and a car swerved and hit him and his shoes flew off and whatever he had been carrying, a drum?, a bag?, and he landed in the middle of the highway. And the younger guy went out to the highway to drag him to the shoulder and he started to flag down people after that. Then he got the truck to stop, then the truck went up to the on ramp – and that’s when Ben and I came around.

It had to have happened seriously MOMENTS before I saw them. No, the car that hit this Logan kid did not stop but it left car pieces everwhere.

I’ve never been so close to, well – to anything like that before. Ben and I drove home in silence, both a little shooken up and I don’t think either one of us slept well last night. The flash of standing over him continues to come to mind, it probably will for a while.

just fleh-ne-flen. or as the leprachaun would say “so’s-you-knows” my msn messenger thing has changed.

princessaiy17@hotmail.com is the new one, and my “name” is “Princess Aiyani”

i still can get email at
princessaiy@msn.com, as well as
princessaiy@yahoo.com, and
princessaiy@excite.com

and i’m still on AIM with “aiyginalydia”

ok, going away to look up stuff

Angry Housewives has a picture up for your comfort and enjoyment.

After the rain washes away the tears, all the pain. (lil Nelson for you) I apologize if I seemed short, kurt, or completely antisocial on saturday. I wanted to be around people i liked and in a place that made me happy, but at the same time I wished I was a fly on the wall so my feelings of dispair and gloom were not on display. Just know, I DO appreciate everyone who came up to me and tried to comfort me.

And this morning, I feel different. And I think you should know that. Today, the song “this will all make perfect sense someday” by John, is suitable. (the subject title is from this song as well)

Today I’m looking at workout facilities and gonna go visit Stephi at the Cliffs. Tomorrow I have an interview at a Chiropractors office as a receptionist partime. I SHOULD take a fulltime job to assist in paying off bills, but partime should be ok too, since I don’t have crazy bills anymore. This will be slowly but surely.

And with that, I go for now – perhaps a post later this day. we shall see. Until then, enjoy your day and know you make a difference in my life.

I actually have alot to say, but can’t figure out how to make my thoughts form into words, or sentences that wouldn’t look like gibberish. And if I just write ;ldfjaseio – you will all think I’m excited, after all that is the PROPER way to write out that feeling. But I’m not excited. I’m confused, and kinda happy, and thankful, and sad. I know I know you’re probably WAY over the “I’m happy and sad” phase of aiyani. But it’s more than that. And it’s not over yet. I cry for no reason, except everything. I cry because I think I’m too fat, then I cry because I’m so negative about myself. Then I stop crying because I know it’s stupid, then I cry again because it’s ok too. I cry because I’m jealous, and angry,and sad, and then I cry because I’m crying for dumb reasons and not being appreciative of all my friends and family who are being so supportive. But ALL OF THAT IS NOT THE POINT. And hard as it is, I don’t even know what the point is.

I’ve finally settled into this room at my dadda’s house. Gas is $2.33 at it’s cheapest, I haven’t started looking for a job YET…..Monday is the day. I’m almost out of money from my last check in Arcadia – they still want me to go back and train the new girl. THEY HAD A MONTH, why didn’t they hire someone right away? stupid. I want to join a gym, and right now of course can’t – I can’t just run because it hurts my knee and ankles. I can’t find my pilates tapes, my other exercise tapes are in storage – SOMEWHERE IN THERE, and I thought they were in the box I brought with me. wah wah wah. I know. Jason asked how I felt about taking Ro’s place in the Fashion Show because she is in the Shakespeare Festival again this year, and I flat out said no, i’m too big. And he just said we’ll talk about it later.

Plantboy apologized to me the other night for not handling “me” they way he should’ve. Our “situation” was very interesting and slightly complicated. But I appreciated that he said it, it actually meant more to me than I think he figured it would.

Mentor ignored me for almost 2 months, then finally came around but as if everything was ok – and it wasn’t. So he apologized for dropping the ball and is trying to get back to our friendship. But sometimes when he talks to me he sounds like he’s a machine just trying to say the right thing.

Husband is fine in Utah, got his DMV stuff figured out and parents got him another car.

Kaza was on letterman the other night, if you missed it I taped it – no not with that TeVo thing….on a good old fashioned VCR. “thank you waht-a-lee-acha” complete with choreography. But this is all just bla bla bla isn’t it?

I can be the person you remember, the problem is I don’t know if it would be real or not. And then I find myself not necessarily preaching but giving this advise that I dont’ even follow. Why do I do that? I guess THAT part doesn’t matter, what matters is in a later conversation someone quoted back to me what I had said, and I started to cry – it’s like that cry when you break up with someone, but didn’t want to. Because you know its for the best in the long run, but it just hurts right now. The quote I used, and the quote he reminded me of:

“I wish there was something I could say or do to make you understand you can do whatever you want”

I guess i’m just trying to say to everyone. I’m just having a hard time finding ground zero for myself. That I don’t feel complete, or incomplete. And I’m sorry if I’m not socialable, or I seem to ignore you. This transission is not easy for me, I have alot going on upstairs. I guess I can just say be patient, and just let me go through it. Don’t try to fix it for me, don’t tell me it will be ok – all this stuff i know, it’s getting past it that is like a journey barefoot on glass. I just have to go slow, concentrate, ….and hold my stomach in.

I shall leave you with lyrics to the song I’ve been listening to NON STOP.

I’m not a perfect person, theres many things I wish I didnt’ do. But I continue learning, I never meant to do those things to you. And so I have to say before I go, that I just want you to know – I found a reason for me, to change who I used to be, a reason to start over new…..and the reason is you.

Step-Brandon made it so I have intrenetty access in my room. yay…..and now….It’s all just rolling into one long day. I stay up WAY too late, and get to sleep in. My last 2 checks from Arcadia are dwindling fast, and I’ll have to find a job. Needless to say I KNEW this would happen, but it’s been nice just lazying about for a week. Though moping has become a normal part of my day I know I constantly find myself saying “i’m a loser” And though not 1 person has called me that and every SINGLE one of my friends has been nothing but supportive and tell me how much they missed me, and how glad they are I’m home – I still don’t feel at home. But Blurbank wasn’t home either. And no, I don’t know if NY will be home! The truth is I’m more lost here, then I was there. Yes my financial situation is CRAP, thats a work in progress. My weight is a work-out in progress, and other than that it’s just the same old SLOville. It’s the same when I went away, and when I’d come to visit – the only difference is more housing for all those rich people who want to retire here or buy their college kid a house.

I don’t know if I came back more negative or just not as blind. And I don’t know if when I left I was blind and now I can see. All I know is I don’t know where I belong or what I’m supposed to do – and that ITSELF is depressing.

I ran into an old friend the other day. Aaron. And all that did was remind me of how he’s doing so great and I’m not. It reminded me that in High School I was nervous around him, and that I still am to this day. It reminded me that I’m still very unbalanced, uneasy, and even the slightest glimpse backwards or forwards sends an uncomfortable shock wave through this body of mine. It reminded me that I’m just a girl. Just another girl who came home. That I still have these feelings of tension, sadness, and excitement. I began to remember who I was before I moved. And I couldn’t tell if I liked that feeling or not. But when someone that makes you nervous and giddy and happy all at the same time looks you dead in the eye and stands but 6 inches from your face and just says…..”it’s such a shame that you think so negatively of yourself. you are so talented, and beautiful – you should never say that you are a loser”……….you just….well, I just…..stop. I stopped and wanted so badly to take it back. I wanted so badly to tell him how much that meant to me. And in all the efforts of my friends and family, THAT ONE I actually heard. So thank you Aaron, and thank you to every single one of you who has tried to make me feel better about everything that has happened in the last 15 months. You do count, and so do your words – even if I dont’ listen, I hear you. I do, its just like I’m rolling but I have the edges that don’t make the ride a smooth one.

I’m just remembering to breathe every second of everyday that I’m awake. I know it all happens for a reason, and a part of me says let it happen, or let it be, and the other says – nothing will happen if you don’t MAKE it happen. But right now, regardless if it’s for the better or for the worse, my eyes make me see differently. And I don’t know how to take it all in – as if life was all black, white and shades of grey before. Not only am I seeing colors, but they are enriched with life and light and it just blinds me but I don’t want to close my eyes – I know I’ll mess up again if I do.

And I will leave you with this song that I wrote:

Don’t Hide Away

He waits in the warmth of his own shadow.
It’s dark and cold but still better than their eyes.
Don’t hide away, don’t let them here.

Inside his head a fight, what to say – what’s been said
Already he’s defeating his self worth
Don’t hide away, don’t let them here, these walls are safe – the walls your mind makes.

He waits behind a face and a smile.
Not lost, but gone-till all is undone.
Don’t hide away, don’t let them here, these walls are safe – the walls your mind makes.

Yah, I’m here. Successfully. And SLOville (i know kaz, i know) is the same. Why did I move here??? OOOOHHH, THAT’s right – I had too. Anyways. I’m staying in Grover Beach at my daddas for a while, he and his wife Terry were good enough to let me use their guest room for a bit. Most of my life made it into Nipomo Self Storage into a 5 x 10 x 15 unit. Even some of husbands stuff is in there. Stuff he wants me to send him in increments. Oh joy. At first I didn’t think there’d be room, but low and behold, there was. Step-Brandon, and the Smurf were WAY helpful.

AND, I’ve taken over the role that Loke had in Angry Housewives. Jason called and asked me to be in it and I said OF COURSE and I thought I’d get to play with Loke, and SHE’S NOT IN IT ANYMORE.wwwwaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh……..but I understand it was for personal reasons, so Loke: do your thing, I hope everything gets better with your dadda…..and did you make it the pacific the other day?

Brighteyes: playing soon, I promise.

Ro: you too

Jax: I have mula for joo, from me, bobby and B.E’s tix. And thank you ssoooooooooo much again. Sorry it took me so long to get it to you – but I HAVE IT!

Rookie: *slap belly* I don’t know, it’s just been awhile you know?

Ok, I’m going – gotta clean kitchen and get to my daddas for a BBQ. Its like I never left – isn’t that bad.

why did I move back again? part of me says “I hate my life” the other part says “it’s nice to be home”