Category Archives: Uncategorized
206lbs. Yah, I wrote that.
To date I’ve lost 20 pounds since August 2014 when I started kickboxing. Even with my back screwing me up and setting me back, even with my extremely limited availability due to class, clinic, and work I managed to get there and do the work. I started to make more of my food at home. I had already been doing this, taking sandos and yogurt but I upped the ante by making soups and this was helpful as well as logging my water. I now drink around 90oz of water a day, at least that’s the goal.
The unfortunate part is this last weekend I ate such crap, and so much of it that I fear I’ve gained it all back. And since I’ve stopped (or completed?) physical therapy I don’t have the almost daily core-exercises anymore. yes, i could totally do them at home and yes i should and yes I was told I must. I also like sleep.
So I hit snooze.
It’s a process. I’m not going to be perfect, ever–at anything. I get up and do what I can in service of what I have deemed “ultimate goals.” And if I choose a pint of ice cream one night, I choose it then I move on and don’t do it again for a while. I accept me for who I am, where I am, and how I am–and sometimes that’s the most important thing I can do at the beginning, middle, or end of the day.
Yes, I feel gross for having so much junk food in the past 4 days, I’m also over it. That’s over the junkfood, and over the “feeling” that I have done something wrong.
Sometimes it is the small victories, sometimes it is the larger ones. And as far as my life is concerned, I’ll be the judge of that–not anyone else.
Goodnight Neverland.
The Guitar Player
Remember my brief story (in the year review blog) about The Guitar Player that followed me (randomly) on Twitter, then I asked him if I followed him back would I get a prize?!!? And he said I had to listen to the music first, see if I liked it, then Like him and his band Face The King and then sure he’d send me a prize. REMEMBER THAT??!!
Yah.
He emailed me 1/3/15 that he shipped off my package and I got it yesterday!!
I freaked out, I should have video taped my reaction. Joy and surprise 100+% A picture signed by all band members, a CD signed by all band members and a hand written note from The Guitar Player. Freaked. Out. Some may say I’m easily amused, and it’s kind of true. But why not experience happiness at all levels, you know? When I told him I liked his music, and followed him back on twitter, I told him what prize I wanted. A pen for my pen collection, from his home town, and a hand written letter. He totally upped the ante =) I got a picture signed by all band members, a CD signed by all band members and a hand written note from The Guitar Player himself. oooOOOOooOOOOoo
So much fun. THIS WAS SO MUCH FUN.
The pen he sent me? Just a random one, hhahaha. I wasn’t specific enough to say “Souvenir Pen.” But the Pen collection builds and it has a special story and place, nonetheless.
Can’t wait to see them play in concert when they tour back into NYC. I’m going to attack him and I told him I would hug him until he couldn’t breathe…then, you know, I would let him breathe again.
Just normal hugs. =) And possibly a grand prize of a backstage pass. JUST SAYIN’. muaaahahahaha ok, fine. We’ll see.
They have a Kickstarter right now for a few more weeks.
They are available on iTunes, my favorite right now is The Stage. I listened to The Burning and The Falling Down on repeat, along with Parachutes, and Due North makes me feel like I’m in a music video when I listen with earbuds while walking around getting places in the city.
You can see them on YouTube
Enjoy. I have, and will continue to do so.
2014 Year In Review
I bought a year book for each year I was in Junior High and High School. There is something about reflecting that gives you perspective. It’s important to document. It’s important to write things out and take pictures. And sometimes it’s good to not worry about taking notes and trying to remember every detail, sometimes it’s good to be ever-present.
However, this is a tradition I’d like to keep for a while longer.
:::::::
2014 Year In Review
JANUARY
After a year of painting every room in the apartment, I signed the new lease feeling a sense of adult-hood and power. I had a great roommate, Sloan and we were ready to welcome another roommate. I found her on Craigslist after whittling it down and weeding out the wrong matches. She came over with paint samples, as instructed, for me to paint her new room. She chose a festive blue because it reminded her of Greece. This was my first room when I moved to NY, and it was the last room to get repainted. This and the living room…heh. January also marked date night with Sloan to see FROZEN and loving snowflakes more and more. I was enrolled in third term at Massage School and it was slow at work with the weather and holidays ending. I also started Greys Anatomy Season 9. Every time I return to that show my heart pings, for various–and specific–reasons.
FEBRUARY
A client of mine planned an event. A Marine and Veterans ball, of some sort. I rented a dress from Rent-The-Runway and my now roommate Sloan accompanied me. It was fancy and fun. I visited my friends/family that lived in Jersey, and approached what appeared to be a homeless guy in the tunnel beneath Bryant Park. I had seen him there a few times, he never looked like he belonged there. So one day, I saw him and sat down next to him and started talking to him. Two hours later I had made plans to see him later in the week for dinner, my treat. His story was rough and I wasn’t ready to just leave it be. We hung out a few times over the next few weeks, a walk here, a hot chocolate there. Then he was gone. Didn’t see him or hear from him ever again. I hope he got back on his feet and started spending time with his daughter again. This month also marked a tragic human loss: Philip Seymour Hoffman
MARCH
One of my resolutions, or goals rather, was to Get Out MORE. Even with school and work I wanted to DO stuff. My housemate, Ianina, was very good at helping me with this because she, too, liked to go out and do stuff in NY because we live here, and we can. So we went to see Anna Nalick live at a cute place called Subculture. And we started seeing Broadway shows. The Realistic Joneses is a non-musical and it starred her favorite Michael C. Hall. We went, we laughed, we waited by the stage door and got pictures. He told my I had a beautiful name and shook my hand. It was exciting! Also, my CA Drivers License was going to expire in April of this year, so I had to decide what to do. Renew with CA, or trade it in for NY. It felt weird, but I traded it in. I think it was 3 hours there, but I took a book. I wrote another chapter blog for the To Be Determined series. I treated Boyfriend Jenn to a Birthday weekend which included a fun dinner at the Rock Cafe by the ice skating rink, a chalice night, and a sunday Matinee of Waiting for Godot starring Sir Ian McKellen and Sir Patrick Stewart. We were able to get a picture with Sir Ian which was extremely cool. A week or two later I had my first “because I live here” moment and went to see the other play they were rotating in No Man’s Land.
APRIL
Earlier in the year I started watching Smallville again. I was slowly collecting/buying used copies of the seasons at Book Off, one of my favorite places to spend and waste time. The goal was to get through seasons 1-9 and watch 10 in CA with my sister. Which we got through half of, then I had to wait to buy it because they never seemed to have it! I checked often though… At work for my birthday I wore a tiara, I went and sang at Marie’s Crisis while my friend Steven was working, and he’d never heard my sing before. It was fun. That weekend I had dinner with some good friends at a favorite place of mine called ZEST. And I also got to visit CA for about two weeks (saw Harry Connick Jr. next to me at security check at JFK btw…) with a birthday party there. It was Wonder Woman themed, which was fun and everyone dressed in the primary colors. While there I was also invited to my sister’s doctors appointment where she and her husband Double-T would learn the gender of their second babester. Totally cried. They had a gender reveal party, super fun. Then Double-T made a video and I cried again! hahaha ugh. So fun. Let’s see…my uncle Teizi sent me a great box of treats for my birthday including Kit Kat flavors like Dark Chocolate, green tea, Strawberry, and white chocolate. I was also introduced to a beautiful musical on broadway called Bridges of Madison County. I had never read the book, nor have I seen the movie, and the musical was amazing. During this month I also began to have small moments of actual realizations that meant something on a larger scale, like “if you want to change the relationship, change the space.”
MAY
Yes. My housemate and I went to see James Blunt and he was awesome. Great performance, full of energy and was carried through the audience at one point as well. Well, rolled and tossed maybe. Started my fourth term in Massage School. I met The Australian who looked like a cross between Jason Segal and Hugh Grant. We liked to sing at karaoke together. He introduced me to some new indian dishes, I’d only had indian food a couple times at this point. I finally saw the finale of Breaking Bad. I was hooked on Cottage Chez with garlic powder in it. YUM. My new favorite musical Bridges of Madison County closed, and Ianina and i went to see it again! and took pictures with the two leads, again…That guy Steven Pasquale changed my life with his performance. sheesh. I went to Jersey (I tried to do this often to see my nephews and friends) we BBQ’d and I made The Rice. They showed me a you-tube video called “Solar Freaking Roadways”…and…wow. Ianina and I went to see a play called Mothers & Sons and I met Tyne Daly.
JUNE
That’s Jason Robert Brown, and the other is Steven Pasquale, and Ianina. We went to the Drama Desk Awards. Got all dressed up and pretty and everything. We saw Michael C. Hall (again) and I took her picture with him and it looked like a prom picture, like they were dressed up and their together. hahah. ooOOOOooo. I FINALLY got my hands on Smallville Season 10 and finished it. I watched the last 15 minutes of the last episode about 10 times in a row. I screamed and cheered every time. The Annual BBQ Fest went down at Madison Square Garden. It was my first attendance, and I arrived late. Smelled amazing, and I waited for an hour and a half for something delicious. Sloan came by and had food with me. I love that guy. My friend Andrew invited me to The Green Room to watch The Tony’s, that was fun! I watched the first season of Orange Is The New Black. woah… and I found Pedro’s. A restaurant with the best-so-far mexican food that I have found in the four-and-a-half years I’ve lived here. It’s in Brooklyn and it’s possible I started to go once a week. Shut up.
JULY
As per tradition I watched Independence Day with Will Smith, this year I “live tweeted” about it. So fun, so silly. I watched the second season of Orange Is The New Black. Got on board with Bates Motel. Hemlock Grove tripped me out. Started reading a book called Cake! a novel written my Jeremy Manta, based on mostly true events. haha It’s almost 700 pages long…. I watched the first season of Smash on Amazon Prime. And we (me and boyfriend Jenn, with some mutual friends from CA) busted out a Your NY, My NY moment by going to McGees Pub, the bar that Maclaren’s is based on from the hit show How I Met Your Mother.
AUGUST
For the amount of time my housemate Sloan spent in his home-state, NC, we did some fun stuff! we went to see closing night of Heathers The Musical. He wore his Heathers shirt and we pre-partied in the Green Room with Blue-Drano cocktails. I won the lottery to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch starring Neil Patrick Harris, and he came over to the balcony seats we (me and Ianina) were in and spoke to us. Telling me I had huge breasts, among other things…We won the lottery again (she did) and we saw Andrew Rannels as Hedwig from the second row. He spit water on me, and Yitzhak (Lena Hall) handed me a towel and I fell in love. I started Kickboxing with I-Love-Kickboxing in Chelsea. Watched True Blood (series ended). Purchased my first Blu-Ray (The Hangover), started watching Newsroom with Jeff Daniels. Watched The Birdcage with my friend Jack via phone conversation then texting. Got on board with the show Grimm. For Ianina’s birthday we saw a show called A Gentleman’s Guide To Love and Murder, then went for drinks at Sardi’s. That fun historical restaurant where there are characatures of celebrities on the walls. I also came up with this gem: Freedumb. If it meant more to me I’d copyright it, but mostly I want people to stop being stupid, don’t you? Careful kids, I don’t do politics or religion. Calm down. And, we had another tragic human loss: Robin Williams
SEPTEMBER
Can’t have a successful Year in Review post without some food acknowledgment. Made brunch at home with Sloan (seriously he was never home, but I keep posting about him. hahahah) I made pancakes, he made omelets and baked bacon. I’d never had baked bacon before, pretty good. We also had coffee, and mimosas Duh. it’s bruuunnnccchhhh! I watched Scandal, Revenge and The Blacklist. Listing these shows doesn’t mean I watched the entire series or season in that month…btw. I went to see plays written and directed by my friend Steven Carl McCasland. What Was Lost and Shades of Blue. Which led me to question my feelings on acting and missing it, again. In a good way. I hurt my back again. It’s happened so many times before but this time I wasn’t able to move or walk for a few days. So I went to doctor and started doing physical therapy. Had to find a chiropractor, and I considered options for spinal decompression. I also asked my friend Amanda to create a popcorn recipe to have when watching Finding Nemo, and The Hangover. She does this cool thing by making a themed recipe of popcorn to compliment the movie you’re watching SO FUN. Realization blogs like “It’s a Monologue, Not a Noose,” and “Hiding In Realizations, how about you?” made there way out of me
OCTOBER
My back is dumb, sigh. Over a decade ago I hurt it while performing in a musical. I actually just picked up something wrong, something pinched and I’d never felt pain like that before…ever. I did the worse thing I could’ve done. Kept Moving. Which resulted in me barely being able to walk for a week. I was bed ridden. I eventually went to see a chiropractor and as long as I stayed consistent it didn’t happen often. Once or twice a year. This year it happened in september ish. Causing me to miss work and it was so terrible I had to seek out a doctor. Physical Therapy started and I waited to be approved for chiropractic adjustments–which never came. But with the P.T I started to do a bit better. So that happened AND the following happened in october: Ianina and I stood in line for 4 1/2 hours on a sunday to get in to the Pop-Up Central Perk coffee shop that was celebrating FRIENDS pilot episode airing 20 years ago. Yah…two decades. Thanks. I started watching The Good Wife, not terrible. I had a hankerin’ for some John so I rewatched the Any Given Thursday concert. Boyfriend Jenn and I had a Hunger Games weekend in preparation for the release of Mocking Jay Part 1. We had a chalice night and watched Hunger Games and Catching Fire, and the next day we took an archery lesson. It was THE COOLEST DAY EVER. What else? I got extensions put in by Joni @ Kropps and Bobbers in LES because my hair will not freaking grow. I dressed up as Maleficent for Halloween (movie with Angelina Jolie came out earlier this year) and my friend Kelly got me into a Halloween Party for free thrown by someguy named Andy Troy. And it was like we were VIP when we walked in. Super Fun!I had midterms for school, ew. I watched Supernatural Season 8, yay and someone in class said I was the female version of Will Ferrel. I’ll take it.
NOVEMBER
My Physical Therapist said I could return to Kickboxing. I think it was after 6 weeks or so. 3 days a week of PT, work and class and clinic. I was leaving at 8:30a and not getting home until midnight most days. Not. Fun. I was continuing my journey of realizations blogging “Dare You To Move.” I was…how do I say this?…stalked? bothered? by The Alcoholic back in June and he emailed me during this month and I had to actually respond in hopes he would just leave me the eff alone. While writing this I can say ” so far so good.” Yaya won the lottery for Hedwig (again) and we saw Michael C. Hall in it. He’s fabulous. (So to date, I’ve seen each actor that has played Hedwig. I’m cool). On Twitter I was “followed” by a guitar player for the band Face The King and I responded by saying something like “oooOOoooo if I follow you back will I get a prize?” He responded yes, but the deal was I had to listen to the music first to see if I liked it. I did. I bought everything I could in iTunes, followed them and was told last week (just after new years) that my prize had been shipped! haha I’m excited to see what it is!! What else? I hosted Thanksgiving again! Best turkey so far. The Professor and Lady Schrift were, again, in attendance and Lady Schrift and I per tradition ripped the bird apart with our bare hands instead of carving it with a knife. Yaya was here, Sloan was in NC with family, my friends Kelly, Dawn and McKay also came over to play. I ate 3/4 of the Bourbon Pecan Pie, and I’m not sorry. Black friday McKay and I watched Elf and then Boyfriend Jenn and my two nephews Sammy Bear and Jamey Bean came over for leftovers and a sleepover. Boys’ first time in my apartment!
DECEMBER
I started watching Blue Bloods and Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D I bought an inversion table after seeking out, first, a treatment called the DRX 9000 (I say it like I’m saying The Terminator) which would’ve been $5,500. Thaaaankkss nevermind. The inversion table is helping with spinal decompression which helps with the 2 (almost 3) central herniated discs I have that impinge on nerves. Oh, yah, I learned about those back in september/october when I was sent to have an MRI. Good times. I found a chiropractor I like, Adam from Lamb Chiropractic Care. He’s great and has a decent cash price (he doesn’t take my insurance, hardly anyone anywhere does). AHS:Coven finally came out on Netflix and I for sure binge-watched that. Final season of Newsroom, such a good show so sad it ended. Yaya and I went to see Tits Of Clay play in concert. This is the band that plays The Angry Inch, from hedwig. It’s their alter-ego band. They are so much fun! The band that opened for them was called OURS. Front man Jimmy Gnecco has a pair of pipes for sure, and some serious ink on his skin. Hard core. I also developed a small crush on Mickey Fox, one of the drummers. I went to Jersey and visited my nephews and Mr. Gutter and saw Sammy Bear play Tiny Tim in A Christmas Carol. So. Freaking. Cute. Boyfriend Jenn and I went to see Mocking Jay Part 1. Amazing, of course. And I got to go home to CA for 4 days to visit for Christmas. 24th-28th. I was greeted–surprised is the better word– by my sister and her family. Her husband whom I affectionately call Double-T, my 3-year old nephew, and their newest addition, my first niece. She was born in August and this was the first time I saw her in person. The four days spent there were perfection. Every moment was with family, and I was able to surprise a good friend and spend some time with her and her new baby as well. I’ll be back in June and be able to see and visit with more people, but the short visit was excellent. Made my heart ache to leave, where as normally I’m not as sad, or upset.
New Year’s Eve-eve I went out with my friend Shannon and her brother was visiting, so we all stayed out drinking and singing at karaoke until that bar closed. Here, that’s 4am. Whew. Good times. Then I had New Year’s Eve, and New Year’s Day off.
And I finally finished that book, Cake!
Shows I saw this year (in no order):
The Realistic Joneses
The Bridges of Madison County
Ode To Joy
Waiting For Godot
No Man’s Land
Phoenix
Mothers and Sons
Heathers The Musical
A Gentleman’s Guide To Murder
Hedwig and The Angry Inch
What We Lost
What Was Lost
Shades of Blue
Once
Side Show
Books I read this year:
Shadow Of Night, by Deborah Harkness
Allegiant, by Veronica Roth
The Alchemist, by Paulo Coelho
Left Hand Of Light, by Christopher Vera
The Shack, by William P. Young
Cake!, by Jeremy Manta
This year was full of realizations for me. Among the classes, and clinic, and clients at work, the books, the magazines, facebook feeds, twitter (because I follow celebrities, shut up it’s fun) the broadway and off-broadway shows, the concerts, the TV shows, the sleep, the kickboxing, the cleaning, the crying, the laughing…There were many moments of alone-ness, where I wasn’t lonely I was just quiet, and reflective of what was going on and what I wanted to happen next, or soon. I started realizing things I couldn’t change, and things I could. I started giving myself credit, and stopped pointing out my flaws and self-claimed failures.
I’m excited about this year. Two Thousand Fifteen. I’m excited because Marty McFly comes to the future with Doc Brown on October 21st, 2015. I’m excited because of the goals I’ve set for myself and hobby-like things I’m going to take up because I’ve wanted to for so long that I’m finally going to just…do..it. Like more Archery, Sign Language, and Caligraphy. I’m going to continue kickboxing, and start doing at home pilates again. I’m going to continue to make food at home and take it with me instead of eating take out all day everyday. Even if it’s a good salad, it’s $12 I didn’t need to spend. I’m going to finish Massage School this year. Hopefully by April (when the term actually ends), possibly in May providing I finish my clinic hours. I’m going to visit CA in June, and hopefully take the massage licensing exam in August.
I have other plans and ideas that make me smile, but not everything goes here on these live journal pages. I’m not an open book, I won’t answer everything. I’m not always the loud, entertaining, social butterfly that I was in my twenties. I’ve changed very much during my time in NYC. More so since my CA friends moved back to CA. But it’s all a good thing.
I’m exposed and covered at the same time, and this year I’m rolling up my sleeves to show you what I have been hiding up there. It may surprise us both, us all. It may come as no surprise to some people.
But most importantly, regardless if there are surprises: those realizations and reflections from 2014 are becoming realities.
Just. You. Watch.
Dare You To Move
My first movement assignment in acting school was assigned the title “Rites of Passage” We were allowed to choose music and do a movement piece. No talking no singing no dancing. This was not dance class, this was movement class. I chose a piece where I was waking up in a place I didn’t recognize, then I’d move in slow motion having a good time. The music changed and I went back to normal pacing. I’d travel around the room, I’d smile and look at “things” and I’d jump around, what-have-you. Then I was “hit” by something and I moved in slow motion again. I came to a realization, then I became scared and sad and went back to normal pacing. I re-traced my previous steps and found the “door” then found what would give me answers. I can only hope the story I had told made sense to those who watched. At the end of the movement piece there was a realization: I had to lay back down in the exact position and wait. Then I simulated being shocked via defibrillators.
Sometimes it takes some kind of shockwave to wake us up. We function. I function. I do well, for the most part. And I am priveleged. I am. I have a good job and make enough money to have a roof over my head, I have food every day and drinkable water. I have indoor plumbing–I really enjoy indoor plumbing. I don’t see myself as an outdoorsy kind of gal. But sometimes it takes a shock to remind me of everything else. Things that some people may call small, and others would call a dream. It’s important to take some of the accomplishments you…I…have made into consideration in order to realize who I am, where I’ve come from and how far I’ve come, regardless of how anyone else would measure it. I have made some accomplishments in my life. It’s time for a shock.
Clear.
I live in New York City. In Manhattan. I’ve been here for 4 1/2 years. Where I had been barely scraping by for the first couple of years, this apartment is now in my name. And I have repainted every single room and cleaned every corner and scrubbed every floor making it a clean and warm home for the others that live with me.
Clear.
My CA state esthetician license does not transfer, so when I moved here I had to take the NY state licensing exam without NY state preparation. I took the written exam and passed, and I took the practical exam and passed. I did not have to retake either of these. This honors the teachers I had while in school, in addition to my personal want to succeed in this industry. During my time in school I had to take a 60-day leave of absence. During this time friends at home allowed me to practice what I knew (mistakes and learning curves along the way). During this time I studied on my own. During this time I drank a lot of booze with my friend. We called it the Summer of Imbibe, because during this time I was also separated from my then-husband and preparing to return to school while going thru a divorce.
Clear.
I survived a divorce. Granted we didn’t have many years together, or any major assets but I did love this guy and told him I’d be with him for a long time. And after realizing we never built a solid foundation, we never discussed big things like kids and money and how to spend it. We didn’t do a lot of growing together. We liked each other, loved each other, got married, realized it wasn’t going to work out because we wanted different things and we wanted them in different ways. So we split up. And I was almost done with esthetician school in October 2008. I stayed in my car and at a classmates house for a few days before graduating on November 4, 2008. I clocked out for the last time, accruing the necessary 600 hours to pass the course and completing all the services I was supposed to complete, then got in my car that was packed full of everything I had left and drove 6 1/2 hours home to the Central Coast. I survived it
Clear.
I graduated from a vigorous intense 2-year acting program. I was in attendance from 2005-2007. I lost friends while attending because they didn’t think I was giving them enough time and attention during their life-altering pieces of life. I didn’t see my family and they lived less than 15 miles away–I even lived with my sister and rarely saw her. There are some people in my life that like to make light of my time at PCPA. That it’s something they were accepted in to and didn’t agree with because acting “wasn’t about learning to be still like a tree and trying to ground myself like a tree.” They quit the program. There are some that were courted to audition and attend, and they didn’t. There are some that I was surprised to learn had attended the program. I too was “found,” and encouraged to audition for the program. Over 1,000 people auditioned the year I did and they accepted 28. During my two years there 2 or 3 students were released from the program or left for personal reasons leaving 25ish of us to graduate together and I’ll tell you this: only those people will ever really know what I went through. No matter what school you went to, no matter if you went to the same school as I did at different times. My experience will never be the same as some one else’s. And…I learned, after time, to weigh the validity of this program on my own and to not listen to what others had to say. I learned stillness and silences are earned when you’re on a stage and quite frankly if you can’t get grounded you’ll never really learn to earn that stillness and those silences. Earlier this year I said something on fb about being better than some people thought or knew, because they’ve never seen me really work, and a professor from that time responded to me that I was better than *I* thought. And I was extremely humbled.
Clear.
I lived in Burbank, CA for a year and a half. I juggled 2 jobs one of which was a 45-mile commute in one direction. My main reason to be there was to pursue TV/Film and Print Modeling. I had a manager. I had an agent. I went on many, many auditions. I was called back many times. I booked sometimes. Although this subject is touchy for me, and it’s been a decade since my time there…a decade…I need to recognize that I went and juggled all of this in my twenties. It was my first time away from my friends and family. Although I had a couple friends near by, it did feel like a huge risk. Leaving my comfort zone, my safe zone in pursuit of something that many deem as “crazy” was important. Still is.
Clear.
Clear.
Quiet.
Murmur. Pulse. Steady.
Steady.
Breathing.
Functioning.
Focusing.
Remembering.
Clear.
I have loved. I love still. I have experienced heart ache. I have experienced pure joy and enormous laughter with my friends and siblings and my mommie and my dadda and my aunties and uncles and cousins and now with my nephews and soon with my niece.
Clear.
I’ve been drinking more water, not just because I can but because I should. I’ve been eating better food, not just because I can but because I should. I’ve been seeking out ways to exercise that connect me to my body without me trying to use my brain to convince myself to get moving–I found kickboxing and go about twice a week. Soon I will need to introduce something like Yoga or Pilates because of my back problems. My back is not broken, but I have received a semi-wake-up call on the structure and strength of my body that I must address, and so I shall because I can and I should.
Clear.
Breathing.
Pulse.
Rest.
Prepare.
Go.
Folks, Watch Your Blind Spot or People Creep Up On You
My slight apologies to anyone reading this with zero background story, special circumstances bring me to this post.
Mr. Sam Nicholson:
a song lyric for you: You’re so vain, I bet you think this song is about you.
Obviously my silence was not clear enough, so I am writing this. Read it all. Soak it in. Let every word land. I’ve quoted you and placed “RE:” as my response. I can only hope that I am clear enough. Okay? Ok. Lets start:
“I wanted to offer both of us completeness, I feel you must still be holding on to grudges or hatred for me. ”
RE: For starters that’s just an odd choice of wording. “completeness” So you already sound weird. Secondly, I do not need nor want anything from you in order to have closure. I actually already have it. I’ve been over “us” for some time now. It would seem you only “feel” I must be holding on to things because you stalk my posts on fb or read my blogs and you assume I’m actually wasting my time talking about you or my experiences with you. I’m WAY past that. I would not take an offer of ANYTHING from you. Ever. You probably learned the word completeness from something or someone else, you are unable to come up with such things. It’s like you left, then knocked on the door to say one more thing–stop knocking. I’m not answering the door for a number of reasons.
“And it is important for me that you let go of that and not just from what happened with us, but with happened with the others as well.”
RE: Oh, it’s important to you?? Well in THAT CASE…yah, no. I have NO CARE for what is important to you. That stopped over two years ago. YOU do not know me or what I am doing in my life while moving on and moving forward. Reading my public blogs and public fb posts do not depict every nuance. As far as “with others” …, it’s not my concern about your mind set or well being with anyone. Including myself. You contradicted yourself saying you noticed I didn’t respond to your card, and that you would understand me not wanting to talk to you, but YOU are not okay with how thing ended, and so…you contact me again? (rolls eyes)–I do not care how you feel about how things ended.
“Im just going to tell it to you like it is Aiyani, because I see a great potential and power within you.”
RE: Oh, dear. He’s found a high horse ladies and gentlemen. THIS GUY out of everyone in my life is the one who is gonna tell me like it is…
“ I see someone who can do amazing things, yet is constrained by her past.”
RE: You’re talkin’ gibberish… Your “observation” of my being “constrained by my past” is not only insulting but borderline hilarious! I’m not constrained by my past. I’ve had all kinds of experiences, none of which have constrained me, nor killed me—obviously since I’m alive and able to respond to you regardless of how many times you made me laugh and roll my eyes at your attempts to educate me. If anything I’ve actually done a great deal of service to myself by moving ON from my past, where as clearly you have tried to hang on to something. Whatever you believe are facts about my life, whether true or not, are ultimately none of your business. I didn’t come from a tortured childhood. And my experiences in relationships are just that; they are MY experiences. Not something for you to attempt to dissect and understand. You worry about yourself and your own growth.
“There was something very wise that you told me during our time together. You always told me ‘words carry weight’. and that is true. I just didn’t get it until recently. What I got from that today is, Nothing means anything except the meaning I give it. Now, i really want you to think about that.”
RE: I think this may the one time you are correct in this entire email. You quoted me correctly with “words carry weight.” So congratulations, you listened—once. However, who do you think you are that I would stop and think about anything you have to say? . I have no interest in your opinion or unsolicited advice. I actually find it cancerous, your words. I will not take ANY time to consider your words nor will I bother measuring the weight, because they bare none. Your words carry zero weight with me.
“This power to change the way you feel, the way the past has a hold on us, and to recognize constraints and be able to change the meaning is a power we have but don’t know how to use it. ”
RE: The mere fact you find it okay, or your right… tell me anything, speaks highly if your conceited-ness. Of which I have zero time, or energy, or want for. You’re also attempting to tell me things I already knew, even before I met you, you’re just using new words—someone else’s words, no doubt, since you are incapable of coming up with your own important phrases and mantras.
“I would like to create a new possibility for you:
RE: Did you really just write that to me and think I’d take you seriously?
“I would like you to consider that you can be free from all that and really let go. whatever happened to us in our childhood or in our past, happened and its not longer happening. Except in our minds and in our words. if we keep thinking about it and talking about it, we will relive it. Imagine that we can let go of that by simply forgiving ourselves for being the way we were in the matter. We cannot move forward if we are looking in the rear view mirror. ”
RE: I actually had to read this a few times because I couldn’t believe you were actually writing these words to me. You’re hilarious. Do you think I’m someone else? You must have me confused with someone else, because I didn’t have a bad childhood. And sure I have a past EVERYONE does. But I don’t spend my time thinking about it and talking about it and reliving it, and playing the Victim-Card, or Poor-Pitiful-Me card. I’ve done what most people call “learned, and moved on.” Are you familiar with these words, or is that in a different seminar you haven’t attended yet? If you need to “simply” forgive yourself “for being they way you were in the matter” that’s your business. I find your assumptions that we are at all alike in comparison laughable and sad. You need forgiveness? Looks like you have all the tools you need. Why include me? You obviously need something from me. And I offer you nothing anymore. And yes we can move forward and glance in the rear view mirror, it not only allows us to see how far we’ve come but gives us a heads up for whose creeping up from behind us, in our past–where they need to stay. This only proves I didn’t watch carefully enough. Maybe take a glance in your own rear view mirror and stop hovering in my blind spot. Worry about where you are. Not me. Not “us” because that doesn’t exist anymore. I’m in my lane. Stay in yours.
“I would like to share an amazing intensive seminar with you that has done wonders for me….(info omitted)…they have one in manhattan. You will benefit tremendously from this.
RE: Again, you thinking I’d take any advice from you is laughable. But no, keep going I’m so hypnotized and enthralled…
“Imagine after doing this, you won’t feel the constraints of going to therapy,
RE: I don’t feel constrained, I feel empowered.
“or taking medication because they give it to you and think it will help.
RE: woah woah woah. I’m gonna interrupt you right there Mister High Horse and say this: It is none of your business, but I am not taking any medication. And in defense of those who must because of a chemical imbalance–how dare you. How dare you not only assume, but blatantly disrespect the modalities, anyone may choose or have to use to find balance in their life. Whether it’s eastern or western medicine they seek our for assistance with their imbalance. You need to back peddle as fast as you can on that one because your ignorance is showing again. You don’t know anyone but yourself. And people who meet you, if they are smart, in my opinion, they will tread lightly and stay briefly, as you assume your role as “teacher” or “preacher.” You may have learned about yourself during your “journey” but it does not mean you know anyone else. Your experiences are yours. Do not share them with me. I have extended no invitation to you whatsoever. Do not compare yourself to me, my childhood, my family, my past or whatever other word you decided to toss at me in hopes of me playing along. You work on you and your issues with Your dad, and Your mom, and Your brother and Your sister, and Your ex-wife, and Your son, and Your life. I have nothing to do with you. I want nothing to do with you.
“imagine the possibility of being free to really go out there and be the actress you have always wanted to be. and which you should be because you are a great talent and robbing the world from you. imagine recreating new and old relationships that can empower you and help support you wherever you are. I really hope you do this and create an amazing life. ”
RE: You’ve actually never seen my acting work, but thanks I’m flattered, I guess. But look, fans are nice but don’t get all stalker-y. It’s creepy. And again—none of your business—BUT…I already know I’m free. I don’t feel weighed down or not good enough. I am living my life as I see fit. And when negativity finds its way in, I assist it in finding its way out. I did it before you were in my life, and I’ve been doing it just fine since you left my life.
In Closing:
You sound like you’re reciting someone else’s words and lines. It’s insincere and unnecessary. Like you have a script to follow and are filling in the blanks. Sounds cult-like and if your goody-bag included a soap box, shame on you for stepping on it and contacting me in the same breath. Your hopes for me are bullshit. Just like your words. You are not important to me. I hold you in no regard or authority in any subject matter therefore anything you say to me is invalid, unnecessary, annoying and show me YOU are unable to let go. So follow your own advice.
It’s clear from reading your card, and your recent email that you are not pleased or happy with things. I also noticed you didn’t mention any of the work you actually have done ON YOURSELF. You just turned around and started pointing a finger at me claiming I haven’t forgiven or let go or moved on or what have you. The thing here is it seems as though you think you left me standing in a hallway, waiting. Like…I’ve been standing still for two years crying and sobbing and not functioning, when in fact the opposite is true. Your card and email neglect to consider the work *I* have done on MYSELF while moving forward. You haven’t taken my privacy into consideration. You haven’t taken my self-work into consideration or any paths of forgiveness or whatnot that I HAVE accomplished. You actually believe my life still revolves around you somehow, and it’s just…sad. Laughable and sad that you think this. Because quite honestly I’m doing pretty damn great in life. Something you obviously have overlooked completely during your quest for “completeness” –again, really weird wording. If you want some kind of resolve or man-up way to prove yourself to me somehow, then you can pay off my hospital bills from that fun July weekend. Thanks a lot.
This is the part that is probably the most important::
Stop stalking me. I know it is my responsibility to monitor my public posts, on my blog, and fb. It is not okay for you to mail me cards, or send me a private email from a new email address from a soap box you’ve decided to stand upon. You’re preachy high and mighty-ness tactic was uncouth and presumptuous. It is not a coincidence you emailed me with a title “Forgiveness and Letting Go” a day or so after I posted about forgiveness and holding grudges on my fb page. Something that, by default, invites others to participate in–the difference is they are my friends and family. And you are not. They matter. You do not. The only feelings I have for you or about you right this moment is surprise by the sheer audacity you thought it was okay to contact me and give me advice.
I’ll take a few more moments to be as specific as I can:
Your vanity blinds you. My posts are not and were not about you.(well THIS ONE is, but it’s a special circumstance, happy?!!)
Whatever journey or discoveries you have made for yourself are yours and you can keep it that way. Do not share with me via email or card or any delivery system.
Your feelings and thoughts on my posts are invalid to me. Your words carry zero weight. The only thing you’ve done here is disrupt me and somehow force me to respond to you because silence didn’t work. I ignored your card because it was bullshit and it sounded like you were following through with some kind of AA steps. Do your self-discovery and self-recovery stuff but leave me alone already. Your perspective is such tunnel vision you have no idea what’s going on around me. I don’t need to be fixed, especially by you.
I seek out my own ways of learning and moving forward.
I have a friend who works with CA law and although they have encouraged me to file a restraining order against you and file a report about your harassing me, I’m going to offer you the chance to prove to me you will leave me alone and stop stalking me—by never contacting me again.
I’d like to end this by using three magic words. Words that I choose carefully because of the “meaning I give them”
We’re Done Here.
Aiyani Mersai 
