Aiyani Mersai

I have boxes and I’m a little sad to use them.

You know, sometimes I love him. I love this house, I love the luxury of the garage for storage and washer and dryer. But really it had to be about the relationship. And I failed. Again. I had sat back and said “they are all the same” (the boys/gents), and in some ways they are. Many ways, they are. But the thing they have in common the most, is me. And I was the same, and I was different, and I was the lady, and I was the man, and I was the brat, and I was the kid, and I was the adult and they – they loved me, then left me. For their own reasons, and or for my own we ended it.

Acceptance is a difficult thing. Regardless if it is accepting that promotion or the fact that you are not getting hired, it difficult. It’s difficult to take on more responsibilities because the stakes are higher, and the loss is greater. It’ difficult to be told “no” over and over again. Whether its a post card with ‘thanks for interviewing’ , a formal letter with “you are qualified but we went with another candidate”, to an automatic email that says “thanks for sending your resume please send your credit report – it’s difficult to be told no. I am actually semi used to/ okay with it because when I lived in Blur-bank I auditioned often and rarely got the part. Although they never say no to your face, or send you a post card, you never hear back – and that is your answer. Sometimes it’s better to not hear anything at all, than get the standard thanks but no thanks letter.

This goes along with relationships too. It’s hard to accept the other. It’s sometimes hard to accept yourself. Accepting that I like things a certain way, and he likes things a certain way is fine. Accepting the habits of the other is ridiculously hard – sometimes. And I kind of refuse to have that kind of little stupid conversation over and over. A conversation that would go something like:::

me: before you leave can you take your plates and glasses and garbage that you have piled in the corner by the recliner to the actual trash and sink?
him: i don’t like it when you tell me what to do
me: I’m asking you
him: i don’t like it when you ask me
me: what am I supposed to do?! you can’t just leave that mess there
him: don’t do anything, leave it there and i’ll get to it
me: when??!!! it’s been there for 3 days!
him: if it bothers you YOU take care of it
me: i’m not your maid!
him: then don’t touch it and leave it there
me: You are being ridiculous
him: that tone is not acceptable to me
me: not acceptable??!!!
him: DO NOT talk to me like that
me: UGH!!!!! (stomp stomp stomp, storms away and hides until he has left)

I just don’t think I’m gonna change and accept unnecessary messiness. It’s just another reason we don’t get along. We get along great, when things are great, and terrible when things are terrible. I will never see his side, he will never see mine – and so I’m moving out.

I have these boxes. And as I begin putting things away I’m more careful with what is mine and what is my mothers that she let me borrow. She’ll eventually need her plates and silverware back, but I can’t pack that stuff while I’m still here, duh. Can’t pack the couch that will go in her storage. And I don’t really have a place for big things like the dresser my dadda got for me at the swap meet, but Cincinnati has graciously offered to babysit my piano. I love it so much, I didn’t want to sell it. And I don’t want to later have to get a big crazy expensive one with all these sound effects I won’t use it. The piano I have I bought with my hard earned money (used, but still) and it plays, and it’s movable. It’s electric and will never need to be tuned. It’s perfect for me – but where ever I go right now, there isn’t room for it. So mom’s stuff goes in a mom pile, my stuff goes in my pile. I’m not excited, but I’m not sad. I’m not content. I’m disappointed. In him. In myself. In this town and the money situation.

And after everything that’s happened in the past year to year and a half you’d think I would have learned something valuable. Yet I find that after a divorce, being swept off my feet, moving, being licensed as an esthetician, moving in with a boyfriend, having a bestie delete me from his life, and the on again off again that is my ultimate relationship status, I feel like I haven’t learned anything. I feel like I just have to lose. I have to lose out on everything. And if I believe in karma I want to know what I did wrong. If I believe in God i want to know why I’m being punished or tested instead of just being able to live happily and move forward. If I’m supposed to be fat, why do I not want to be? These are all very important very valid questions… If I believe in love why do I let myself be let down. I let them/him down and I let myself down. I let then cross my boundaries. I cross theirs. I don’t respect myself? And therefore I don’t respect them? I’m running out of ideas. I don’t want to hear that when it rains and pours. It’s up there with when one wants you they all do.

If I believe in balance, how come I can’t find the correct ratio? If I believe in ” a time for everything, and everything in its time” how come I can’t accept what’s happening and the timeline in which it occurs?

In the end, I haven’t learned anything have I? In the end, I still feel screwed over, abandoned, let down, disappointed, poor, fat, and I wonder if I was only given the “talent” to carry a tune for karaoke nights. In the end it doesn’t matter if they left, or I left – I lose. In the end it doesn’t matter what they said or I said, it’s the way I moved on from it – but that’s just it. I haven’t moved on from anything. Im’ just stuck. I don’t know if it’s at the bottom of a hole, or if i’m just treading water, or if it’s quicksand. What I know is there is no ladder or rope out of the hole (and my magic powers are dwindling), or I’m pruning and I can’t see which way was past and which was is forward, or I’ve actually hit the bottom of the quicksand hole but my head is still up – i’m just…standing there now.

I cannot for the life of me find the positive. my mother would say something like, let me tell you what you have that’s positive, you have a family that loves you, a vehicle, indoor plumbing, a roof over your head. . . but what then?

Then?

Then, you accept it and go back to the boxes.

I auditioned for a play.

Earlier this year I auditioned for a play, two of them actually. Both resulting in getting cast, and equally resulting in my leaving the cast for certain reasons. Different reasons each, but none the less I had to leave them. I’d never left a show before. I guess it just wasn’t time. I don’t really believe in leaving a show either. People have left shows I was in before and it just made me angry and let down. Now that I’ve let some people down I guess I realize that sometimes you have to sacrifice the happiness of others, for your own. Sometimes you have to let people down, to lift yourself up. And at the same time, sometimes it that which brings you down – well…it’s that which brought me down to the point of feeling I had/have nothing left right now, that helps begin to bring you back up.

I wasn’t going to audition. It’s actually a play I auditioned for earlier this year. The Mousetrap. I was cast then, in Cambria and left after the read through for a few reasons. Auditioning for the play again seemed silly, but it is MUCH closer. Santa Maria-closer. Cambria 50 miles, Santa Maria 15 miles. Ta-da. Amidst the many depressing things that have happened the last couple of weeks in addition to the drama that is on-again off-again with my Mister. a friend encouraged me to audition. She said it would make me feel better. She was right. Even if I didn’t get cast, it felt nice to audition. I didn’t know anyone, I wasn’t "favored" to be cast, it was just a play, and I just auditioned, and today they called and said I was cast in the role of Miss Casewell.

Santa Maria Civic Theatre
The Mousetrap
Every Friday & Saturday Night for the Month of February

Maybe it’s the beginning of climbing out, I have no idea but I’m willing to find out.

I woke up with the Honeybear at 6:45 this morning after about 4 1/2 hours of sleep. He. Is. So. CUTE. ahhaah, He rolled over and whispered "nani, nani it’s time to wake up" the same way my little brother Rik would when he was a babester. We got up and had some cereal then I got a text from Kitten that she and Peanut ( her son) were up, and she invited the Honeybear and I over for coffee and breakfast.

Kitten and I go back a few years. We are very similar in many ways, but one way we never really bonded over was motherhood. It’s something I don’t really have experience in, other than being an aunt. But today, I headed over to her house in my jammies and robe, with a 2 year old in tow (still in his jammies) and I arrived to her house to see her in her jammies and robe, and her 4 year old running around in his jammies. We let the boys play and watch Spongebob, and we sat one the couch talking and yapping with moments of "stop that!" or "put it down" or "you need to be nice and play nicely" between catching up. We were a different couple of friends, but still very good. It was fun and silly and I’d like to do it again. I of course like our time without kids, and I’m not afraid of having more time with them.

Mark and I enjoyed his burgers, he makes REALLY good ones, then I had some waxing to on someone, and I did her friends nails – just cause it was fun. Mark and I went to Wally World for some stuff, came home then he was trying to be helpful and put the dishes away from the dishwasher. All of a sudden a HUGE…HUUUGGGEEE crash from the kitchen came. He apparently stacked mugs 3 high (only supposed to be 2 high, but he didn’t know – whatever. hahaha) and the pile fell over, fell out of the cabinet, one mug broke on the counter the other fell off the counter and crashed into the oven door – cracking and shattering the glass on it. Woops. Did I previously mention that Jack took the broom because he bought it with HIS money (kind of quote unquote), so Mark brought in his big broom from the garage, one of those big push brooms and he swept up what he could. I’m gonna get a broom from sisters house tomorrow and sweep again and again, then mop it. Until then we both wear shoes in the kitchen.

Now we’re just drinking cheap whiskey, which is gross, and watching Alias Season 4. I’m applying for jobs, sending out my resume and bla bla.

Tomorrow, another day to look for a job, I may or may not audition for a play in Santa Maria, and I need to decide quickly if I’m going to go through with the school applications. I need to finish and send apps in by the end of the month in order to get a spot on their audition tour. If I DO audition for the community theatre play, I will miss school auditions in early Feb.

I dont’ really have much motivation lately. I’m trying to just climb out of my stupid situation and get going again.

Today I woke up at 6:30am after falling asleep at 2am ish. Not okay, so I slept in until 9:30am. Mark was on his way back from Newark where his house is, that he had to fix because a tree fell in on it. hahahaha wow – guess it’s a good thing he is a contractor.

I finished Betrayed today – victory is mine! and I will start Chosen tonight or tomorrow day time. Mark got here at 1pm and we were out the door at a quarter to two because we were going to a wedding. My friend, whom I affectionately call "Captain" married his girlfriend Kathryn. They are so great together. It was fun being a part of his life at the green apron (where we worked together) when they first started dating and then being invited to their wedding was awesome. It was at a cute little chapel/church in Shell Beach. We were able to stay for the ceremony and wine and…snacks. There is a larger word for ‘snacks’ it starts with an H then an apostrophe then a whole bunch of letters. Sounds like or-DERVES, but I can’t spell so I’m not going to try. hahahah

We came home and semi baby proofed the house because tonight I have Honeybear, over night. He is two now and talks up a storm and he’s 40 pounds of little boy. Mark kept him occupied playing and running around outside while I made dinner. Some kind of pasta with alfredo sauce, scallops and chicken. Then we all ate, Baby Samuel was so cute of course. When he finally took off his socks and shoes he feet were SOOO dirty. hahaha, so it was bathtime! We don’t have a bathtub plug thing, so Mark used a tupperware lid, it worked pretty well. Honeybear had a good time and I washed the bottom of his feet and between his toes, just like my dad used to do to me and sister and to the boys when they were little in the bathtub, and baby samuel just LAUGHED so hard. It was awesome. Then we put jammies on, Christmas SpongeBob, and had some ice cream together. hehehehehe. He played with his toys some more, toys that actually belong to my sisters friends son because I don’t have any toys for him…but they work and he likes them. Now we’re watching CARS, the pixar flick. Yah, it’s 10:15pm and he’s up watching a movie, and no – not because of the ice cream. Because Auntie Sum Sum let him nap until 6pm!!!! sigh – i scolded her. hahahhhaa. of COURSE she let him nap *I* have him over night.

………..

It’s 11pm now. at 10:30pm, Baby Samuel ran over to the chair cincinnati gave me. It’s one of those big round chairs – I forget what they’re called. So he curled up on it and I just stared at him. He looked at me, laying down on the chair, looked around then looked back at me and said "i’m tired"….UGGGGGHHHH SOOOO CUTE. ahahah. So I picked him up and he held on to his 2 stuffed monkeys and we layed down in the bed. He crawled to the foot of the bed on the down blanket and started watching the movie I put on for him. Meet the Robinson’s . Fifteen minutes later he was out. I lifted him up and tucked him in the blankets with his monkeys and came back to type this.

I’m tired too. No real reason to be. I didn’t rebuild a roof, or drive for hours, or have a wedding today. I didn’t do much at all, but I know that I am tired. So I’m gonna lay down read part of the next book and go to sleep.

Today was very exciting. Well not really, well…the Day wasn’t, the evening was fun.

This morning I went to Kidz Club at Kennedy Club Fitness in AG, where I have a gym membership (that I have used 5 times in 8 months) and babysat the little critters that I’m used to seeing every friday morning. I recapped my recent life experiences to Autumn, my morning teammate at Kidz Club and ready more of my book. "Betrayed," part of the House of night series Stephanie introduced me to and let me borrow. I headed over to Trader Joes at 10:30am, bought some beef for pasta, some eggs, and some alfredo sauce (not to go with the beef) and a new reusable bag to add to my collection. I’m trying to learn to take the reusable bags with me when I shop.

I came home and watched more Smallville Season 8 on the couch bundled up in "the cloud," a marvelous Ralph Lauren down blanket. After two episodes, 2 scrambled and a plain bagel with store bought sundried tomato cream cheese I decided to go lay down in the bedroom. I only had 5 hours of sleep last night. That’s what I get for being on NO schedule. I’m awake until 2am so I don’t wake up the next day 9am or 10am, but today I woke up at 7am. I slept for 2 hours then woke up and got the wax ready for Bree-Ann cause she was going to come over at 4pm. At 4:30pm I got in the shower, at 5pm I text her with "i guess you’re not coming" and finished getting ready to go out with BoyfriendJenn and Honeybear.

I headed over to BoyfriendJenn’s house and went to SLO, got holiday beverages from the green apron and found a place to watch the parade. It started at 7:05pm, and lasted until 8:50pm. WOW. That was a….LOT of cars and lights and company’s ending with horses pulling santa. Honeybear did great. He didn’t get fussy or crabby. We took turns holding him so he could see and he would get excited by lights and sounds and say things like "nani! Nani! it’s a parade!!, Oh wow!" He’s at such a fun age and talking so much. He’s 2 now, and 40 pounds and tall for his age. yikes! hahahah

At any rate we came home, he fell asleep on the stroller ride up to the car and on the way there and when we arrived BoyfriendJenn put him in his crib. Then I got her all set up for her "interview." I suggested she show the Christmas tree she had and other Christmas decorations for the camera and we could post it to fb or something so Mr. Gutter (her boyfriend Josh) could see the house, since he couldn’t be home for the holidays. She loved the idea and we started at the tree. She showed me baby samuels first ornament, and her first ornament, then showed me the stockings she made. Then there was this great moment when she was showing me the stocking she made for Mr. Gutter and she said something like "this is Josh’s stocking, even though he’s not here" and then you hear someone clear their throat. She stopped and looked behind her and there he was, standing in the kitchen, smiling. She freaked out. He just smiled and then said "surprise."

What a great moment. I’m so glad I got to be a part of her surprise. I spend only a couple more moments there, took a couple pics then when they sat on the couch and she still hadn’t calmed down yet, I kissed her on her forehead and said I love you both and said have a goodnight and came home, to an empty house.

Mark is working up north until tomorrow. And of course – Jack has moved out. I’ve tried to let him know small things by texting "i have your scarecrow hat" but he never responds. He’s removed me from faceyspace and it would seem a 15 year relationship has been flushed. It’s a shame, truly. And quite sad. Life is really challenging me right now, and I want it to be done already.

Anyway, I’m home alone tonight, watching the rest of Smallville Season 8 (2 more episodes to go) and maybe having some ice cream. Maybe do my nails, and probably finish my book, and maybe even start the third one.

Life doesn’t mean much to me lately, then I see my nephew smile with so much joy as he begins to experience his own ideals of Christmas and Holiday Spirit and I feel lucky to be a part of it.
Lately I don’t feel like I really matter, or count, then I get to help surprise my friend and my mom reminds me I have a roof over my head, and family that loves me. I shrug but I see the perspective and I’m trying to climb out of this hell hole I partially dug and was pushed in to.

I feel quieted tonight, I’m guessing I’m supposed to be, and as usual lately – I don’t really think I get to know why.

I’ve been catching up on Smallville. My sister let me borrow her seasons 7 and 8. I was so stoked when Lana left, I couldn’t stand her. I’m sad Lex is gone though. UGH, and THEN Lana CAME BACK and I’ve been wanting to throw things at the TV for the past few episodes. Super Lana, are effing kidding me???!!!! puke. Shame on you writers of Smallville. hahahaha

Today I did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I have submitted over 40 resumes over the past few days. I have cried I have laughed. I’ve lost, I have…not won anything yet but hopefully I’m getting there.

I’m going to Captain & Kathryn’s wedding in 2 days, yay,

Thanks to Sergio for introducing to me French Lessons Online via the slolibrary.org I’m already having fun.

And, I’m gonna try to write in here more, so that when I look back I have memories to read about. Even if it’s short like this with an almost bullet-pointed version of my day, or the past week. I want to be consistent. I have so much on my mind, no reason I can’t jot it all down here.

It’s been a hell of a week and a half. So much negative crap is happening I’m hoping it’s all over and done with now. From getting fired to a flat mate slash Best Friend of 10 years, and we had known each other for 15 years moving out with zero notice and deleting me from his life. All because he couldn’t pay rent and in the end I said things like it was petty for him to take the broom because "he" bought it. When I know it’s just going into his storage or his mom’s garage or attic or whatever. He said I wasn’t a true friend because I didn’t understand his side, I said I DID understand I just think it would have been more responsible to give ANY notice. Not "i have to move out – and i’m doing it TODAY"

surprise!

I recently changed my look. I on the occasion sport "sterling grey" contacts that make my eyes a greyish blue, it’s fun. And I went to Ashley at Roxy Salon and said "can you make me look different?" she said yes, what are you looking for and I said "red with blond streaks!" and she said okay – and did a great job and I LOVE IT

Mark and I have become one of those couples that break up and get back together. I’ve never done this, so it’s tiring but I also feel like I want to / need to try everything before giving up. One day I can’t stand him, the next I can’t stand to be without him. I’ve never been jealous or insecure until we started dating. Some people say it’s because the way my marriage ended, others say it’s the first time I have felt so strongly about someone that it would genuinely bother me to see them with someone else, or know they are speaking to someone else. Before I just would shrug it off, roll my eyes or have the "whatever" attitude. With Mark, I can’t stand the though – most days. Few and far between days I get very, um…psychotic and wanna know who he’s on the phone with, who he’s chatting with and who he’s texting. Those days he stops what he’s doing, looks at me and says "you’re the only one." and he’ll stare at me and smile genuinely. If he can tell I’m still bothered he’ll stop what he’s doing and come hold me and cuddle with me. I hate that that part of me exists but at the same time I really appreciate that he doesn’t hurt me and say "you don’t need to know" or "she’s just a friend" he just stops and re-secures me, if that makes sense.

Home life is different with just us living together. We are both different. Maybe it was somehow because they gents would fight over me, almost. They gay best friend and the boyfriend both wanted my attention and to take their side and whatever. Now it’s just, me and mark and I guess now we’ll really see if we can live together.

Smurf came home from la la land. He was attending the Musicians Institute – and loving it, but for a few reasons had to and decided to come home. Like everyone else, he’s looking for work but selfishly I’m just really glad he’s home. I like having all my siblings near by, I love my family. And here I am discussing moving away to sacramento or attending a college out of state. shrug.

Rik’s first Varsity Basketball game was last night. He DID get to play and he DID score some points, it was AWESOME. It’s so weird to remember him playing little kid basketball and then now. he’s so tall and lean and athletic. I’m so proud of him. And then it was real cute when his girlfriend came over and said good job and he hugged her and said thanks for coming and kissed her on the forehead. Such a gentleman. Such a charmer. it’s cause he has me and sister to teach him. hahahaha

Sister and Double T have decorated for Christmas, their house looks excellent, as always. And the other night I made lasagna – ME, and invited them over and me and mark and smurf and sister and double T all ate together. It was pretty cool. I felt like an adult or something.

Mom loves her new job as the office manager of Middle Path Medicine. Escrow nearly killed her regardless of her 25 year span in the industry it was never her passion. But since I can remember she’s read medical books and knows what ingredients are and what does what. She’s ultimately a real live Dr. Mom. And now she can share her knowledge and work with a Doctor she likes, they’re more like best friends. it’s good.

I haven’t seen Dadda n Terry lately. They did drop by last week on their way home from auntie maria’s and brought me left over pasta and sushi. But before that it’s been a WHILE. my bad. They live a couple miles away, but I was stupid busy. Now that I have NOTHING I can play more often.

I sadly packed all my things up from the salon yesterday and brought them all home, no I packed it up Monday, not yesterday (tuesday). It took an hour and half and it was sad, and there wasn’t anyone there to say bye to. So later I’ll have to go and drop off my keys and give hugs.

There aren’t any Christmas decorations up because we don’t know if we’re staying or going, and I don’t want to go through the motions just to have more to do the next day in packing it up. However, i did get some scented pine cones, so the house smells kind of christmassy – and that’s nice.

We finally put the cabinets up in the garage last night. It looks SO much better in there. And by the end of today or tomorrow it should be all done and we’re discussing what game to put in there. He wants a pool table, but I don’t do pool. I suggested a ping pong table. That way its easier to move, doesn’t have to be "leveled" and it’s still fun! ta-da. But we’ll see. I don’t really know what I’m doing or where I’m going.

Went to the Pismo Palm Reader for $10 yesterday. That was fun. She was pretty spot on about many things and gave me things to look for, so we’ll see. I dont’ know if I believe too much in those things but it was fun for sure. What I know is she didn’t say anything about me marrying John Mayer, so that was sad. hehahah

Today I went bowling, we…We went bowling and I beat Mark. I’m sure it has everything to do with my amazing "foot work" and starting consistently with my left foot and thinking to myself "ashes ashes we all fall DOWN"

Then we went to Penny’s All American Cafe in Pismo for food and tonight we may go see a movie. Maybe 2012.

I speak with Antoan all the time still. I miss him all the time and want to move to New York and live happily ever after as Will & Grace. But we’ll see. hahahah

That’s your news update, stay tuned for weather.