Aiyani Mersai

I have betrayed you and let you down. From the layers on my skin to the very insides that allow you to function, I have messed up.

I was running, I still am. I was hiding, I still am. I am in denile. I am rebelling.

You have been working overtime to heal yourself after I do my best to trash you with alcohol, then neglect to feed you or hydrate you, then I do not allow you to sleep.

Sleep.

A time to recover and allow you to do your thing because I had to go out and do mine. I keep pushing your limits, but not healthily. I keep torturing you. I am trying to make it all go away by making everything numb or blurred.

I have not fed your mind with anything educational or challening
I have not fed you any nutrients so that you will function properly, or heal properly and I am still lying to myself that it will all be fine. If I’m not careful I will keep falling and you will give up on me – I know.

I know what to do to make it stop
I know what I should do to put you back on track, and yet. . .

I won’t.

Not only are you suffocating, and drowning, and starving and begging for help, but no one is listening to you. I am no one, and I’m not ready to apologize. I am too busy ignoring it, and numbing it, even though I am allowing things to spiral down….even though you depend on me – a part of me is just giving up. I’m not wishing for death, but if you want or need to just shut down I won’t stop you, in fact if you do shut down chances are that will be a rock bottom from which I will begin to climb again – maybe. If you shut down then maybe when I wake up I’ll be able to see better, listen better and care better for you.

All I can do is be honest with you.

And honestly, right now, I care less about you then I do about myself right now and nothing seems to be snapping me out of it

To my close friend,

I’d love to tell you “there is a time for everything, and everything in its time” because for a long time I believed it.

I’d love to encourage you to “just be.” don’t worry about the future, or the past just stay present, because for a while it helped me to stay still and in the moment and appreciate that moment for exactly what it was, when it was.

I’d love to remind you that “everything happens for a reason” because if I don’t remind you to say it as a mantra, then I’m also lying to myself

I’d like to think the phrase “I’m here for you” would suffice somehow because hearing it from people I care deeply for has pulled me through moments like this in my life knowing they were in the wings, in the audience and standing behind me as my backup during one of the most difficult spotlights to fill…..that was pretty profound and fun huh? ….

I’d like for you to remember that “there is a lesson to be learned here” because every time I’ve had an experience that ended poorly or left me in discomfort or ill contented…somehow the lesson learned really was important.

But more than any of that, I feel I need to tell you this:

I’m so sorry.

I’m so sorry that this world of drama and hardships hasn’t stopped for you yet. That somehow the Higher Power continually tests your strength and your heart.
I’m sorry I cannot be the person to fix it, and that a person who can fix it does not actually exist unless you count the person you see in the mirror

It is okay to cry
It is okay to mourn
it is okay to think of what may have been
It is okay to love and hate at the same time
It is okay to be confused and hurt, because that is real.

This is really happening and you didn’t want it to, and I know it.
There will always be multiple sides to this story, but you only need to worry about yours – for now.

Maybe we rush into things. I mean that figuratively and literally. The both of us. Our experiences in life before we met and during our brief time getting to know each other have shown me how similar we really are. Maybe we so badly want one thing, we are willing to settle for something else. Maybe at the time it was right, and rightnow is different.

There will be more risks for you to take
There will be more hardships for you to survive
There will be ….

And after that, you’re going to get up in the morning and go about your new routine.

After this you will have new scars, but new eyes as well.

You will have new surroundings, but it will be familiar

You will have a new start and a new story even though the cast may remain the same in some places and roles.

This is the part where I would want to say “Its all going to be alright” but really, the truth is….. I know as much as you do about what is next, and I’m just as scared, and I’m just as sad, so what I CAN say is

“you’re not alone”

with love,
aiyani

Great.

I hug him and and by the 4th or 5th hug that night he sticks his tongue out and I touch it with mine. gross right?, I guess it should be, but its our “thing”. He will always pull me in and push me away at the same time. I will focus on him with my eyes, then have to roll them. sigh. laugh. sigh. Mr. Speaks.

Another one is the attitude. Our first conversations were something along the lines of “what are you looking at?” which we only said with our eyes. Eventually we would call ourselves freinemies and when I see him I say “ew” kiss him on the cheek and then wipe off my lips in disgust. More than likely followed by a smile and hug. thats our “thing”. Mike-myfrienemy

I hadn’t seen him in a few years and we drank and played and sang, then later we’d walk around farmers market together and I’d tell him everything that was wrong in my life and he would listen. And he would finish my sentences and he makes me laugh, in a parallel universe he should have been the one. But i love him, and us – just as we are. Roger Rabbit.

On another note, its more wonderful when a friend whom you trust and respect tells you he loves you. More than that, he is IN love with you. And the shock and awe that envelopes you is still taken by surprise because he then tells you he believes you’re perfect. He tells you everything he adores and loves about you and its flattering and sad because the timing is all wrong. Because the timing was always wrong, and it may always be. My good friend. It would be unfair to release his name (or nickname for that matter) at this time.

Then there’s the piece of paper that holds me to him. Its no longer a love story I would share with everyone, there are no hearts that pop out of my eyes. I am ignored, I am lied to, he will not communicate with me, he will not try, and therefore – I will not try anymore. he knows who he is.

Today I went to Farmers Market. First time in. . . a while, I think the last time I went – wait for it, I’ll remember. . .last time I went to Farmers Market. . . nope – I can’t remember. Not the point though.

Today I went to Farmers Market to play karaoke with Mr. Speaks and all those junkies I’ve come to love and know. I remember when me and my friends practically DEFINED the idea, the theory, and the heart of this so called karaoke-kult. However, with no means to offend my “new” karaoke friends everyone has been very welcoming and fun to play with. I see these people at Mongos on tuesdays (only gone a couple times, its wierd cause its not Sunset Dunes, I feel like a trader a bit), I see them at Mr. Ricks on wednesdays, Harry’s on thursdays. . . yes yes – i know i know, almost every night. And if I have the gas in my car, I’ll even go to Downtown Brew in Paso on a sunday or monday to play.

Today I went to Farmers Market and got to hang out with Roger Rabbit (that’s Joshua Tacy for your memories….um…I think he’s Gwydion82 here, there, and everywhere.

Today I went to Farmers Market and sang Music by Madonna, and Holding out for a Hero and the people gathered and applauded. It was fun to be outside and bounce around.

Today I went to Farmers Market and the newest edition to my karaoke junkie family were Cavin and Amanda, met them last night in Avila. And my “Frienemy” Mike was there. The Frienemy is someone we love to hate, and hate to love. We have a silly love/hate relationship based solely on the fact that we give eachother attitude. And I’ve only known him for a couple weeks. Met him at Harry’s. He sings Vanilla Ice – its funny. Mr. Gutter did not come out today – Mr. Gutter has a real name, its Josh and again, a karaoke junkie. He and I sang Cruisin’ the other night at Mongos – so much fun.

Today I went to Farmers Market and my sister-in-law Jenn came out too with Baby Samuel and we went for coffee after then walked around, it was nice.

Today I went to Farmers Market and I ran into Judy and Matt and met little Corwin, he has beautiful blue eyes. Jax came up to me out of no where and I screamed and jumped on him and hugged for a very long time. I hadn’t seen him in about 3 years I think. . . so sad, and I just talked to him online the other day and then BAM there he was in front of me.

Today, after karaoke was done at Farmers Market I hugged Roger Rabbit, then Big J, then Mr. Speaks then walked around with Jenn – its nice feeling so accepted and comfortable. It’s nice sitting at a table and my frienemy comes over to say hi, its nice to get a hug from Cavin and Amanda, its nice to get that handshake from whomever. Its nice to feel like I count – in someone’s life.

Pulling and Pushing.

Earlier on in life I learned that the earth had a gravitational pull. This is why we can walk around and not just float about. This pull is powerful and although Man has been able to push from it, it exists. I learned to read doors that said PULL or PUSH, I learned that pushing someone down was mean, and pulling someone to their feet was nice. I learned what a push-up bra did, didn’t care for them. I learned that pulling someone’s hair would hurt them. I learned how to push my brothers stroller. I learned how to pull together as a team to make something else happen that would not have otherwise if I did it alone, if that makes sense. Among other things. . .

What no one prepared me for, and not to their fault, but that people have pull, and people can push. It resides inside them. It starts in their stomach, or their heart and it gets sent to you through their eyes, through their arms, their legs, their mouth, their hands, their chest. Some people have this. . .power. This gravitational pull towards them, you are drawn to them, you cannot deny it because the pull is stronger than you pushing away.

My first boyfriend, Ryan had this pull. He was the new kid at the school and every girl had a crush on him, including me. But somehow he wanted to play the role of boyfriend for me, and I would play girlfriend for him. And even after the drama, the heartache, the lies, he managed to always pull me back. He would reach out to me with his arms physically, his words would escape his mouth in perfection – just like in the movies. I never had to tell him the right thing to say, he knew all the right words, and the order in which to use them. No matter how hard I tried to push him away, I gave in to his pull and I’d fall for him. Then when he pushed me away, I couldn’t pull him back. I tried, I cried, and I tried and I cried. I didn’t have the power, I didn’t have his power. I was this great confusion of comfort to him. He knew he could always come home to me even after he took others home.

My second boyfriend was different. Somehow he handed me the power. He was cute and talented with bright blue eyes. He was younger than me and I, apparently, pulled him to me. I wanted to take care of him and when he though I wanted to take care of someone else he pushed me away with one hand and pull me with the other. That exists. People will push and pull you at the same time. They will yank you one way because they want to push you the other. All the while you are trying to use your eyes and arms and your legs to make it stop, to pull away, to push them off. Until finally, you’re free of their clings, but their words echo. Sometimes words will always hurt more than the bruise, or strike to the face because its internal. Our insides are so much more sensitive than our outside; our exterior can handle much more push and pull than our internal selves. It wasn’t until 10 years later we agreed to disagree and let the past live in the past.

My third boyfriend wanted to know we were going to eventually get married. Nope. I wasn’t ready for that, and I KNEW he wasn’t the one. He was someone I wanted to have around. No pushing, no pulling. It was the easiest relationship I’d ever had. But one question about the future and one disagreement pulled us apart. It was fine, we were never friends after that, we never had that pull towards each other – at least in my opinion we didn’t.

Then there were the boy-toys. The people whom you are drawn to and are equally drawn to you – but only for a short burst. It was a surge of energy that pulsed through me sometimes with the look from a specific gentlemen, and I am told it was the same for them. But all physical pull. We wanted to hug and kiss and touch and hug but they never knew who I was in my heart. I had pushed the doors closed on my heart, not because “i’ve been hurt before” but because I wanted too. I didn’t want to let anyone in, I wanted to play and have fun and flirt and live a little bit more from the outside. And what was nice, was no one really ever asked why or why not. They played along with me, right where I was and when I was done, or they were – it ended. But true to the statements of others when you don’t let someone in, they don’t stand at the doorway long. When you don’t ask someone to stay they will eventually just volunteer to leave, and if you don’t pull them to you, you may aswell be pushing them away. The stagnant relationships were the worst and the best. For a while nothing was more refreshing than just standing still and letting life happen around me. Nothing was better than karaoke night at sunset with my friends and the potential makeout buddy for the night. Nothing. But only for a while.

Then I moved to Burbank and I loved someone that would never love me back. That’s a lie. He would love me, but not until I left. He would love me more now than he ever would have then. It was the first time my insides snuck up on me. It was supposed to be external, it was supposed to be physical and fun. It was supposed to be hugs and kisses, or dinner at Heroes, or movie night with fajitas, or VO & 7up, or cuddling on the couch. But I realized after you do that for a certain amount of time, people creep in. Still, no pushing or pulling, but all of a sudden my heart was involved. All of a sudden my stomach would turn if he didn’t return my messages, as it would flip when he did return them. Soon I would reach out and attempt to pull him in just to be pushed back. Then time passed and I would leave Burbank and he would try to pull me back. Timing was perfect with us – read the sarcasm. He knew about me. About my life, my family, my friends – and all of this because I would sit at my computer and type it to him via IM. All of this because X amount of nights a week I’d drive the 45 minutes to see him and sleep next to him. All of this and it wasn’t until later I found out the pulling I did was working. All of this and it wasn’t until later either of us would admit that the world wanted to push us apart when we wanted to pull eachother with arms and hands. All of this to find that there was hidden poetry written, secret songs, secret messages but altogether, we were miles and a parallel universe apart. All of this and sometimes a piece of my heart still aches because at one point, and he knows this, if he had ever said “I am home” I would have gone home.

Then there was PCPA. A school I loved and hated. Classmates I loved and hated, teachers I respected and didn’t, rehearsals I dreaded and longed for, performances I stood in for and performances I was excused from. And there was a boy there too. And for no reason I fell head over heels for him. Face planting myself at his feet just to look up and see his eyes and chemistry – his pull would do more than metaphorically bring me to my feet, it would make me fly. I was defying some kind of gravity with him in mind. I never bothered with the idea of pushing him back for the sake of my school work, I would never consider staying up late to talk to him would hinder my performance and work at school the next day. I would risk it all. And I was sure if there was a God that he was pushing me towards this boy.

There is a kind of love that exists that is not about you when you are in it. There is a kind of love that exists solely to honor and obey someone else – I do not know this love. There is a kind of human pull towards those that push you away and a push when you are pulled. But following magnetic truths, two negatives will push against eachother, as two positives will also push against eachother. They will deny eachother. The attraction lies with in the negative facing the positive. The push has to be against the pull.

And then, there are those that you long to pull. You know that it would never work out, you know that it should never be, and yet you pull and you are pulled and you are welcomed. What then? Push? Go? Stop? Again? No? Yes? What happens when you are pulled in different directions for different reasons. What happens when you push it away, and they pull you in, or visa versa. You accept it? You deny it?

How can we grow up not learning this in textbooks. How can something so powerful not be studied day after day. How can we say we love one thing but long for something else. what will apease you. What will you allow to pull at you.

Adventure.

What happens when someone is pulled into a bathroom stall, or passionately slammed up against a wall.
What happens when we decide that our external form is in charge?

I believe that if we start from the inside and work our way out, it is safer – and I believe that if we start from the outside then it works its way in and this is where we get hurt. This is where we have longing, this is where lust lives, this is where we drive. This is where we don’t care if we are pushed against that wall because we infact want to pull them closer.

What happens to those that deny everything?
What happens to those that accept everything.
Is it dangerous to start from the inside out, or the outside in?
What happens when you decide to stand still, do you miss out on something?
What happens when you push to hard?
What happens when you pull to hard?

why must there always be a reason?
why must their eyes drive you?
why must their arms hold you?
why do your legs walk you towards them, or make you run from it?
Why does your chest ache when one leaves, or feel weighted when one stays?

OR. . .

I can say: Its my fault.

I pushed too hard
I pulled too quickly
I left so fast
I didn’t listen
I jumped too deep
I hit rock bottom
I fell.
I wanted to be caught
I wanted to be swept away
I was wanted.
I ran towards it too fast
I fled too quickly
I heard that song on the radio, and then I reacted
I wrote that song for you
I wished it
I dreamt it
I followed you
I am trying!
I am LOST
I am perfect
I am sorry.
I regret nothing
I take it back.
I wanted to hold your hand
I wanted to kiss you
I can
I will
I . . .

Because if I take responsibility for it, then I can say I learned from it.
Because if I make it my own, I can analyze it then move on
Because if I analyze it and break it down it will make more sense – to ME

Because if I admit that it was not in my control, then I am admitting I wasn’t myself. And I don’t know how to be anyone else. I don’t know how to change for you, I don’t want to change. I don’t know how to talk to you, to look at you, to think about you. I don’t understand what I feel for you – but its ALL ME. Its my own fault, and I’ll figure it out – and I will be a better person, a better daughter, a better sister, and a better friend because of it.

I admit it.

I admit to my faults, my promises, my lies, my secrets, my passions, my lusts, my external attractions, my internal affairs, my pain, my strengths. . .and I admit that it is for me, not for you.

Thursday I went to Harry’s to play with Kevin @ skarieokie and my friend Brian Speaks was going to come down after his show at Farmers (Brian Speaks is a DJ and Karaoke host as well, I met him in Paso a while ago while he was working and loved him so much I told him I was his new best friend – he will also be DJing my Wifes wedding in August, now you know who Brian is. lol, ps. no nickname is necessary. =) )

anyway, Brian was going to come down and then Kevin’s video…something something wasn’t working, and karaoke wasn’t happening yet when I arrived at 9:30pm. But no worries, because Kevin called Brian to save the day, and he did. Although I felt extremely bad for Kevins technical difficulties, it was great having him sit and visit with me instead of working. It was very good for my heart, and I got to visit with Vicki and Tracy too. It was so fun to see Brian, I’m actually a little surprised he recognized me. He had seen me once in person before that and we’ve only spoken on the phone and via myspace since then. Yay! Then we all went to Lenny’s (Denny’s) I haven’t been there in MONTHS, I wasn’t really hungry but I wanted to keep visiting with everyone, so a French Slam was ordered, and I almost finished all of it.

Then Friday Vicki and Kevin and I went to the new Sushi place on Grande Ave in Grover Beach. All you can eat Made-to-Order rolls, among other yummy choices (Teriyaki chicken, tempura, etc etc etc) . SOOOO freaking good I actually 1. produced so much saliva tasting the Volcano Roll I almost drooled and 2. kissed my roll. Needless to say I WILL be going again. Thank you to Kevin and VIcki for inviting me to my new heaven.

Yesterday ran some errands for my wife’s bridal shower tomorrow then went to Paso Robles to hang out with Mr. Speaks and his roommate Big J, we watched a couple movies then I went to sleep, too tired to drive home. That drive isn’t long unless you’re tired – true for all drives I guess. He slept in his living room and let me have his bed and he set his alarm and woke me up at 6am so I could get home and ready for my cousins graduation this morning.

Tonight I see Jack’s play in old arroyo, tomorrow is the wifes bridal shower and skarieokie in Paso. Have I mentioned how much I like being home?

I’ve somehow stepped into a time capsule and its 2004. Things are the same. Returning to my fathers house was just like the first time back from Burbank. I unloaded my car and suitcase and put clothes into drawers and on hangers. I am jobless, a horrible yet freeing experience. I have already jumped into a mild routine of hanging out with Kitten for coffee and making sure I get to see my siblings and Terry (my dadda’s wife) and her firecracker stories are always fun to hear. I talk to Plantboy, still – or again lately if you’d like. I saw Adam-from-the-band-i-brought-home and Ethan (in New York) and I still chat. I’m excited to go to karaoke, I’m excited to see some friends and yet – things are sooooo different

i’m married – wierd in it of itself, and estranged at the same time (i’m told this is the makings of a good relationship later provided i keep working at it,my opinion on this matter is yet to be entirely displayed) I don’t talk to kaza anymore (our meeting counts, but doesn’t if you get my drift) I haven’t seen Jax and that gang in years, my youngest brother Rik is ending his freshman year of highschool, my nephew baby samuel is HUGE and I’ve already been hired on as a babysitter while smurf n jenn adjust to their new positions.

I’m in the market for a job this summer but don’t see how easy it would be providing I’m only here for 2 months.

and lately I want to run. Yah, – just….Run. Put on my 2 sportsbra’s and comfy clothes, a bandana, my iPod – and run. Do I think I’m running FROM stuff – absolutely. Do I think I’m also running towards something – absolutely.

I’m having these wierd mood moments where everything is fine and fabulous then I’m sad and stuck sitting somewhere with wierd memories and flashbacks coming into my mind. These memories have been gone, or hidden or locked away for some time now so when I flash back to them I kind of get sad. And these memories are here there and everywhere. And for no reason! Then when the memory is finished playing itself out I don’t have the energy to speak. And if someone asks how I am I just say, I’m fine – but you can tell i’m not.

Somethings Missing

a feeling – and a song by John Mayer.