Aiyani Mersai

2 years from today I’m supposed to get married.  No – I dont’ know to whom.  John Mayer is,of course, still in the running.  Someone who is not in the states right now often floats in my mind, other than that no one.  No body.  And those ofyou who keep asking about Ethan, you’re adorabe and funny but lets remember he’s on the EAST coast and I’m not moving soon, and neither is he.  We talk on the phone and text eachother like everyday but I think I’m just that girl in CA, and neither one of us know when the other may visit – its just something that floats about but doesn’t really get talked about.

And also I’d like to add, even though I try not to put certain things on here but your emails with questions and concerns can be answered with this.
(clears throat)

No, I’m not dating Michael anymore.  Haven’t for a while now.  Yes we are still friends and we even still hang out and its not wierd being around our mutual friends, most of the time.  We get along just fine and we’re both moving on.

Hope that helps.

I have kind of long day tomorrow so I’m gonna get off to bed.  I’d like to leave with a question I’d like for YOU to answer. . . when was the last time you looked at someone and it gave you butterflies in your tummy?

Crying. 

I woke up this morning at around 11:45am at Adriane’s house.  Then we went and had food at Louisa’s in downtown SLOville, then home to make THE rice for Rich’s BBQ. 

And now I’m home crying, only a few of you will ever understand the reason why I’m crying.  And no, I’m not going to tell you.  Just know that I am, know that sometimes it IS hard for “someone like me” and know that I am not always the life and sound of the party.  The center of attention is not necessarily my ENTIRE aim in life, I do have a heart – it can hurt. . .  and today, it does.

Today I feel that I lack a certain kind of direction.  Yes I’m going to attempt PCPA, I mean after all. . . I MADE it in, and my tuition is paid for, and after that I DO plan on moving away from this town.  What I lack is the very drive to get out there and pursue who I am know I am.  So many times (and bummer if this sounds conceded to you) people say “you belong on Broadway” and I feel thankful but at the same time a part of me says “yah, but God doesn’t think so yet, that’s why I’m still here.”……here waiting. 

Waiting for that something that gets me up in the morning.  Waiting to find that voice that echoes throughout me everyday saying keep going or you’re almost there, waiting for that feeling of . . . “i’ve made it”  I am exActly where and who I want to be. 

Who am I now? 

Someone 5’9″ and probably weighs more than you do.  (shut up, I’ll say what *I* want)  Someone who is going to the gym to become stronger and healthier.  Someone alone and moving into a house with people who are engaged.  Someone who misses the butterflies in my stomach and someone who feels the heartache when they are there and then they leave.  Someone who wants to be reached out to but doesn’t know by who.  Someone who likes mint n chip ice cream and knows a good pair of shoes really CAN brighten my day, and if that makes me shallow to you I’m that someone who doesn’t give a rats ass what you think of me.  Someone who doesn’t want their ass grabbed by anyone who thinks it’s ok – its MY ass, NOT YOURS to touch.  Someone who believes respect is earned not handed out like a flyer on a New York corner.  Someone who desires more than this town can give her, but apparently someone who will take it because right now, that’s all I can get. 

I am someone who has a talent agent and a manager.  I’m also that person who says “no, don’t submit me” because too many times I was told I am that someone who “doesn’t have a market yet. . . “‘…

I am someone who has been told be directors and producers that I am too pretty to be a character actor and to big to be a leading lady, and if I WANT this I have to chose a market and make myself marketable – which then makes me the person who needs to have drive to change who and what they are.

I’m that someone that makes you laugh at random but mostly your laughing because I just made a fool of myself, not because anything I said is actually funny or clever. 

I am smart – but you wouldn’t know that because it is not required of me to “act” as such in your presense, I am the so called comic relief the loud obnoxious one that makes everyone dance when Kevin is singing a good song.

I’m the person that typically doesn’t care and the moment I do everyone thinks something is wrong and they try to comfort me – sometimes time away is better.  I’m not the person who will push you away unless I absolutely have to.  Unless I have to peel you off of me because you’re sucking up all my air and my time and taking away ME because you are interested in WE. 

I am strong, but I believe I have my own kryptonite, I also believe very few of you know what it is, and I know I’m not going to offer up that information just for a dramatic reach in a longwinded shpill about who I am or what I am. 

I think too many times I AM taken for granted, and I know that most of the times its because I allowed it to happen.  I’m hoping for change.  I’m hoping for a rope to pull me ou, a voice to call out to me, or a set of butterflies to find their way to my core because quite frankly – the emptiness is getting old and what we all may know about me is. . .  allthough I’m easily entertained – I’m just as easliy completely bored and turned off.

This is a song I wrote a couple years ago, someday I shall play it and sing if for all of you:

Forlorn
I’ve seen a land, that’s dark; condemned
Here I’ve been stripped of who I am and naked’s how I stand,
I’m not alone, but lonlieness seems to visit.
Often I think of him, sometimes I feel more optomistic.
But he is not around to comfort me, so I curl up next to all of the pillows in my room.

Salty water is not a stranger to these cheeks.
Everything is not what it seems.
Dreams come,and then, then leave.
But one thing I know for sure. . .
No one is knocking on my door.

Come find me
Come find me
Come find me and take me home.

My Summer colors being neon green and bright orange i decided I had to try to work that into my Pirate costume for the Castaways for Relay for Life.  Mission accomplished.  (read: i can’t believe how cute i looked…..”thank you romy and michele”).  A neon green  bandana ish thing, bright orange tanktop under a ripped and cut up black and white striped shirt, a black skirt and a green sash to hold my SWORD…coooool.  Best part, I found a pair of orane and black striped leggings at good will.  Allthough they were a size medium, I figured I’d just cut off the leg part and hold ’em up with my garder belt.  THEN I thought how FUN would it be if I sported the bottoms…..as bottoms underneath my skirt.  A genius idea I thought, but if only I had thought of it before actually taking he scissors to the legs.  the (clears throat) crotch of the briefs were down to the last seam holding together a total of 1 inch of fabric. Must wear undies underneath briefs.  So I did – I still looked fantastic, I still had fun, and yes – I wore boots; no not while I was walking my time on the track.

Myfavoritesister came to play with me too.  She dressed in fun pirate shtuff and took some peekchas I hope I see soon! and she walked the track with Dana and me at 2pm or an hour.  i just love my sister.

I took some snackies, $43.00 worth to be exact, isn’t it amazing how little you get when you buy junk, and how cheap healthy food is?  I mean I can get a donut for like $0.75 right?….ONE donut, but I can get 6 bananas for like $0.99.  That’s AWESOME. Maybe I’m just excited about looking forward to eating, and eating healthier lately.  Daaaaannna came to play and that was fun, allthough she went home to sleep instead of roughing out there with us, I think our talk the next morning convinced her to stay next year. 

I lathered on my SPF 30 constantly, I burn. I know some of you think I have this great “olive” skin and I must “tan beautifully” nah……..Nah!  I burn like my white mommie.  Just as well, i don’t want to look 50 when I’m 35 because I decided to fry my skin all through my twenties.  but I did fall asleep for about 45 minutes on a blanket outside and my skirt revealed a small part of my leg and now I have a triangle shaped tan line on my right upper thigh – it’s just silly. 

Lani, her Mike and I went through the (clears throat, again!) “colonoscopy.”  An interesting rendition of an opsticle course that required crawling through sharp plastic round tubes, getting bruises, Mike ended up bleeding! because of the unsafe contraption!, we had to eat veggies while running and the melon I had to grab and run with *I* either split or someone else did and melon juice decided to leak all down my right side.  We were the first to break a minute but were beat shortly there after by small skipper dolls who obvisoulsy walked away with no war wounds – at least us three looked like we battled out there!!!!!!!!!……..yah! so there!!!

I got sing “I will remember You” during the luminaria (sp? you’d think i’d get it right by now) ceremony.  It was dark and the only light I had was the screen that provided me the words.  And though i had them memorized it’s always comforting to look up and see that you indeed, are….right on.  My eyes were closed most of the time and someone made a comment about how I move my hands or my body when i sing – i dont’ know if thats bad or not, whatever – but the best part was when it was done the Castaways, my fellow teammates, were all standing around me and all hugging me telling me how well I did and saying Thank you.  When really, Thank you – to YOU guys.  I wouldn’t be apart of somethign like this if I didnt’ believe in it, or the people that I’d be with.  It’s just a good time to bond and be apart of something bigger than me, bigger than us.  Your hugs and kind words are the reason i do most things in my life, thank you for who you are, and who I am because of you and you’re support. 

I had my phone off most of the weekend, I’d turn it on every once in a while to see if I was needed – and pretty much no. lol.  No i wasn’t needed, my friends that called all said it was cool what I was doing and call them whenever I had a chance just to chat.  I spoke to Ethan a couple times, he finally heard me burp too for the first time – he’d been waitin’ for that moment! hahahahaha.  We didn’t speak long, but I remember him asking if I had to work sunday and would I be tired from Relay.  The answer was no, no work sunday monday or tuesday!  His response was “you should come back to new york for a couple days then.”  I just laughed, I guess he did too.  Yah, sure – I’ll go because I’m rich! and have tons of vacation time just waiting to be used.  No, I just told him we’d talk about that. 

I started watching the movie, the um. something-something and the something of unfortuante events, with Jim Carey.  Logan was my movie buddy, thank you for that – and Ro came to play for a bit after her rehearsal.  But it did get quite chilly even though by that point I had on my turtleneck under my tanktop, and a jack and gloves and a beanie, and pants instead of my skirt. i was also FINALLY exhausted.  I went to sleep in the tent for like …2 1/2 3 hours then was woken up by hearing someone asking where I was because I had to walk in 15 minutes.  So I stirred, got up to go use the restroom then took to the track by 4am.  Sergio came to relieve Michael at 4:30am and shortly after relieving Michael he sent me to bed too.  I don’t really remember what I even said, it was worse than being drunk I was just SOOO tired and deliriusly dumb at that point (mostly from the sun I imagine)  he gave me a hug and said as a friend he was taking care of me by sending me back to sleep and that he could handle walking by himself.  I’m sure I murmured somethign about not walking alone, but one small shove in the direction of the tent convinced me i couldn’t walk much more than TO that tent.  So Sergio…thank you for that (and for playing last night!  yummy beverage? and LOVED Cowboy and Prince – you’re fun!)

I”m sure I got maybe 1-2 hours of sleep before I heard Kevin start playing music to make us stir and start waking up.  By about 7am we were all up looking for coffee, something to eat and started packing up our stuff.  I realized of course at that point my garder belt was still on holding up my leggings and my briefs and undies were all knotted up and my sword was still attached to me.  That was funny.  But hey – i was never really uncomfortable so I’m not complaining, just stating. (winks)

  The awards were given out.  The Castaways got most creative campsite, most spirited and it was really cool when Brighteyes won the skarieokie thing when you had to change the words to a song.  It was AWESOME, Brighteyes – you so totally rock the casbah. 

All in all – well done to the Castaways, I know I didn’t participate as much as I should’ve this year but *I* am a work in progress and am learning too and look forward to next years adventures.  Everyone looked great in their costumes…….GREAT.

Well done to Kevin for being the DJ and God that he is, AND for holding Sara’s snake – woah.  you had to be there.  Hello to the “Central Perk, friend for life” crew -thanks for hanging out and playing,  thanks to Joel for telling me if I ate those red liquorish yummies I’d get FATTER……..yah – thanks for that.  Miguel thanks for the tent use, complete with storage space and Daaaaana for the airmattress, even though you left.  Vickie and Kevin for the hot dog.

See you all soon and later, I imagine.

Kaza and David will be in SLOville later tonight.  The stuff they brought with them will be stored at Kaza’s mom’s house and she still has stuff at the barn.  The new house wasn’t ready to take stuff over there, so I was unable to surprise her with that. 

However when the house IS ready to move stuff over to we dont’ want to have to rent a truck and we’ll need to get all their shtuff from Gramma Barbs house (kaza’s mommie) and the barn.  Lots of boxes, only some furniture. 

I’ll keep you posted, but it looks like next week sometime and anyone who can help I (we) would greatly appreciate it.

Last night instead of going to bed ontime the Smurf and I went to see BATMAN BEGINS, my first two words were “Hell Yah.”  I’d love to write my review, I’d love to tell you what I thought.  Two things hold me back.  I have to STGA at 7am  and its 10pm now, and I have a certain someone on my mind.. . . And no, his name is not Riley Jones (Stephen Riley Holbrook).  I’d love to tell you the story, but I’m not sure I know it myself.  I know I can tell you the beginning, and I can tell you the beginning of the middle, but I have no idea how it ends – and I can’t say I’d be all that thrilled if it did end. 

So instead, I’ll say today I went to the gym.  Good for me.  I also called Bear, crying a little to say I couldn’t meet up with him for a while.  Once Kaza and David get here, we’re moving in together and I’ll need to fork over rent and bill money.  I guess it’s all for the best.  He told me to keep calling him to tell him what I’m doing, and tell him what I’m eating and he’ll keep motivating me as much as he can.  I said the best I can do is call him again (as my trainer vs. my friend. . . )once I start at PCPA in August.  Then I’ll know what kind of money situation I’ll be in. 

Quite frankly, I don’t know if I’m going to go to PCPA.  I go back and forth about it.  ALOT.  I wish the “right” choice would make it self known and not keep me guessing.  I’m not good at guessing games, unless it’s movie trivia or “what did kaza say?”

For a while there I felt very focused and content, lately I feel unbalanced and even anxious.  I used to get ugly anxiety attacks (kaza was a saving grace during those times, so was my mommie)  Lately I feel something else tugging at my heart and I’m not sure what it is.  I’m not sad, I’m not upset – anymore.  It’s something else.  Like …….something’s missing.  (good John Mayer song btw.)

I think I know what it is, but it’s dumb – at least *I* think it is.  I know my friends love me and know my friends spouses and significant others are great. But I think my feeling lately is, I’m the last one.  I know that’s not necessarily a true statement.  But of my close friends, those I speak with almost daily – ish……….It’s difficult sometimes being the extra wheel, but at the same time sometimes it’s a great freedom.

so I guess I feel Stuck.  Not necessarily at a fork in the road, and in no way do I have to make any big decisions right now, but (small sigh)………that’s it.

Home from New York.  I haven’t finished the New York December book – still writing it and it should be “realeased” (as I told nahnnah at brunch on saturday) this december. lol. Better timing to release a book in the right season.  Seanah laughed and asked when THIS one (june of 1005) would be released, and I said probably by next summer.  We laughed and ate…

But – I do still have all my notes, I WiLL write my New York books and a part of me thinks the end will surprise some of you, and maybe not. . .

The Castaways are building The campsite/Pirate Ship………but i REALLY need to recover, unpack – and sleep.  MUST sleep.  Sorry if I don’t make it out there, don’t hit me, don’t hate me. 

love you, bye