Aiyani Mersai

A few weeks ago I felt like I needed to cry.  I wasn’t and haven’t been sad, I just felt it.  I’ve been trying to trigger some kind of emotional response, or release, or find catharsis and it just hasn’t happened yet.  Friends have been offering their movies that make them cry in an attempt to help.  I’ve also been listening to songs that used to cause and emotional response, to no avail.  Shrug.  The feeling has subsided a bit though the past couple days.  I’m unsure if it’s just leaving me alone for a bit, or if I’m somehow finding ways to hide it or bury it, or finding a way to numb it? Not sure, but I don’t want to over-analyze it either.  I want to just be.  Be present, and keep moving forward.  Besides if I keep trying to make something happen, I won’t be able to just *let* it happen when it’s read…when I’m ready.

(sits back and crosses arms and stares at screen.  Over thinking begins. Waves hands around quickly to erase any images I attempt to bring up to cause an emotional response, then write about something else).

The Secret Life of Walter Mitty:

Fun.  Truly.  A fun use of visual effects, enough about the main characters for me to invest and I found myself laughing out loud constantly at the actual humor.  Not just because it was stupid-humor.  If that makes sense.  Sometimes movies are just funny because of who’s in it, sometimes it’s the writing and the great delivery of the actor.  Even Sean Penn (whom I normally see as a very serious kind of actor) had me chuckling a bit.  A good all-around feeling and escape, even.  I forgot I was in lower Manhattan a few blocks from Union Square.  I forgot I was even in NY.  Even though the movie takes place in NY, the guy ends up in Greenland briefly, then Iceland and the Himlayas.  It wasn’t until Walter said his sister was in the play Grease, but not on Broadway, just some church– that I was pulled back into my seat in a movie theatre in NY.  Ben Stiller is great, perfect even, in my opinion for this.  I was completely on board with his shy goofy behavior and all his “zoning out” moments where he wanted to say things like “beards are for guys like Dumbledore, not you” (something like that).  And I was completely on board when he started taking risks.  His risks were the kind people use as metaphors for *really* putting yourself out there.  I mean the guy jumped into freezing water and a shark tried to eat him.  Holy Eff Word.  Loved it.  Just….loved it.  Will own it when I can.  A sweet story.

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February is here.  The month I agreed (with myself) thatI’d start exercising with no end site, or goal, or promises.  Just good old fashioned “it’s good for me” attitude.  Every other time in my life when I “went back” to working out it was for a reason.  A wedding.  A show.  A  boy.  heh.  I know the good it is for me to exercise, I also know I don’t like to work hard.  I like being lazy! I work four days a week, I’m in class two days a week, I come home and watch my shows and I really REALLY like it.  I currently live a drama-free life.  A drama-free work environment.  Bosses that I like that care about me.  Co-workers that care about me and my passions and my well-being.  My family is doing well.  My flatmates are good people and living with them is also drama-free.  School is a place I actually enjoy being.  The information I enjoy learning.  The industry will be a good match for me.  So why not?  Why not exercise for my well being if I am finally emotionally, mentally, and physically able to do it?  What do I have to lose?  I mean, the gym membership is paid for through the entire year.  I have my pilates videos I really like, I’m even going to introduce karate back in to my life.  Remind my body of those basic.  Retrain my reflexes.  Change this almost 35 year old body from an “obese” lazy “doing okay” form to a healthy body.  One that can fight off the cold easier.  One that pumps blood better, carries oxygen better.  One that can recover better after giving blood.  One that infections would have to really fight for to win over.  Why NOT see what I’m capable of?  I absolutely thought I would be somewhere else, doing something else, and with someone else at my age.  And I don’t like that cliches of “everything happens for a reason” or “a time for everything, and everything in its time” I don’t like the “god has a plan” stuff.  I like to know the outcome then see how it unfolds.  The hard part here is: life will never be like those kinds of books that I like to read.  Or those movies that start with the ending.  So I’m finally agreeing.  I’m agreeing to “just be” and function, and follow through, and move forward.  And instead of being royally pissed that I thought I’d be doing something else, I’m realizing I don’t have it bad.  I remind myself of the kind of life I have.  The quality of it.  And in that, I agree to “lets see what happens” instead of “that’s not good enough.” I’m agreeing to take what I have somehow deemed “not good enough” and making my own choices and alterations based on what I DO have and seeing what ELSE I can make out of it.  Like my crockpot.  heh.  I’m going to throw some stuff in there, and see what happens.  And if I don’t like it–well, I’ll try again.  Because I can.  And…why not?Granted I will have my moments of being annoyed and pissed, but hopefully those will continue to fade.  Or not affect me as much as they used to.  And of course I’ll have my complaints, but again, the hope here is those will be their own small things that I can look beyond or just acknowledge and move on from.  Or, add something to it and change it’s outcome.  Why not?  Why accept things just as they are and allow them to affect me as poorly as they have before?  Time to see what else I can do.   The questions now are :What if? and Why not?

Here’s to february and all it’s current ingredients and my attempt at adding to, and changing it up.

I’m eating Chinese food from the place downstairs.  Orange Chicken combination platter.  I’ve lived here for almost four years and I haven’t enjoyed other chinese places as much as I’ve enjoyed the place downstairs.  Shrug.  Perhaps I’m just a creature of habit.

School is in it’s third week.  I will need to really invest my brain for 2 of the 6 classes I have.  The others are technique classes, lab (practice), and tai chi.  I’m enjoying the semester already.  although my brain will need to be involved for all classes, four of them I’m comfortable with and eager to learn.  The other two are Neurology and Kinesiology.  So–enough said.  And breath.

Work is slow right now.  Winter’s tend to be slow, and snow and wind keep people away if they can’t be out and about anyway.  But–I have a job, I love it, I’m good at it, and I do have people coming in.  During down times I clean and read and study.  It’s very good.

I’m in the end of season four of Sex and the City.  Sometimes I have to go back and watch the whole series again, then the movies.  Shrug.  Today is monday, I started watching last sunday.  What can I say, the episodes are short and I can bust thru a whole disc in one night once I get home. heh.

I’m approaching February and preparing to introduce exercise back into my life.  I re-ordered my Winsor Pilates discs I had before.  I really liked them, and did well them so they were/are important.  I have my gym membership, and the gym is just down the hall.  And there is karate and yoga and dancing.  There is much I can introduce again.  Slowly but surely.  I will not rush, I will not exhaust or over exert.  I will enjoy.  I will learn.  I will re-learn.  I will listen to my body.  I will listen when it can do more, and when the old-injuries say to stop and wait.  I will be patient.

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In annoying news: every so often (and lately a bit too often) I think of facial expressions my ex’s used to make.  It’s out of no where.  It’s typically in no relation to my current feeling, or a current situation, it just pops into my head.  And it DRIVES ME INSANE.  Then I just get pissed that I dated them at all.  I don’t like they exist in my mind still, it’s crowded.  I have enough on my mind about me and my life without their ghosts invading.  The good thing is, I don’t relive abusive moments.  I don’t really remember certain conversations that I know at the time were extremely important and I just knew I’d never forget their words or mine…I just remember these facial expressions.  And they were ugly.  hahaha They were annoying faces.  Distorted, or attempts at flirting. They way they’d scrench their face up in confusion, or surprise even. …or even smile…yikes.  It would seem the guys I’ve dated, at least in the past say ten years–were not as cute as I had hoped, or thought.   Makes me question my taste.  ::::I’d like to add, this does not include the guy I most recently dated.  Since we were never titled, we only dated briefly, he is separate from my schpeel about exes.  Blegh.

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Now I feel like I should say something positive to take myself back out of that icky, annoying stuff.  hmm….(looks around room).  My bills are hung up on the cork board…that’s not positive–but it’s the truth, and a reminder that I’m in a place where I can pay them down.  I LOVE MY BED.  There.  That’s a good one.  I put on fresh, clean sheets, it’s super dooper comfy, and I don’t have to share it with ANYONE.  (smiles).  Yes, I believe that did it.

Goodnight, Neverland.

I’m happy.  Lucky, even.  I’m happy and lucky that I have a job that I not only enjoy, but that I am good at.  I don’t know many people that can say that.  Some people settle for something they are good at because it pays the bills.  Which is very important, and very responsible.  Some people pursue they’re passion and often have to do odd-jobs, or work at flexible-schedule jobs in order to pursue them.  This is brave and still responsible–providing they are staying current on their bills.  Bills like rent.  Keeping their phone turned on.  Keeping the heat and electricity on.  Paying for running water and gas.  Providing food and nourishment for themselves and whomever else they are responsible for, say children or pets.  At any rate, bills suck but exist.  Some people do this, some people do that, and it’s so we can pay our bills.  Keep food in our bellies.  But…I’m happy, lucky even to have a job that I’m good at and that I enjoy doing.  I’d say I’m even passionate about it.

It is not my first passion, though.

And that’s where my head is tonight.

I work at a great boutique spa owned by a husband and wife.  The Mrs., is an esthetician like me and they just popped their first baby.  The location of this spa is great, the clients are steady, consistent, and also great.

It’s only when a client comes in and I learn they are in the industry of my first passion, that I question where I am and what I’m doing.  It’s only when a famous entertainer’s make up artist is on my table, I think of what I’m doing as a service more than a passion.  It’s only when a visual effects manager from top block busters like Gravity, or top TV shows comes in and is on my table that I start to wonder why I stopped wanting to act.  It’s only when a film editor for a hot series currently in it’s fourth season on CBS is in my “office” that I start to feel my heart ache.

But mostly, I’m happy.  And I know I’m lucky.  And I would be stupid to leave my  good paying job.  The job that I enjoy, and am good at.  The job I’m happy to get to in the mornings.  It would be silly, and stupid.  And it’s only on days like today that I consider the possibilities.  Then I move on to the next client.  I finish my day.  I clean and sanitize everything in my room, and I leave for the night.  I don’t have to get to work any earlier than 10:45, but I arrive by 10:30 ish.  I don’t have to stay any later than 8:15pm.  I’m happy, lucky even…that I have a job that I not only enjoy, but that I’m good at.  It’s only every so often, like today, that I think…what about…and then I blink.

I woke up a little later than anticipated today.  11:30a.  But, I love sleep and don’t feel bad or guilty at all.  haha.  I woke up, had some water, had some coffee and finished painting the back bedroom.  The closet, to be more specific. So now it’s all pretty.  Scraped up little droplets of paint from the floor and mopped one more time to prepare for the new housemates arrival.  Yay.

Then I ate some left over pasta from last night.  YUM.

Then I sat in the living room in the quiet and finished reading Shadow of Night by Deb Harkness.  Which is part 2 in the trilogy.  I read part one (A Discovery of Witches) earlier in the year, and am awaiting part three which I think is called The Book of Life…Not sure though. Excited!  I put Allegiant on Miss Zeighth, as in Shanna’s Eighth kindle. hehe.  I start it tomorrow. Yay.

And tonight I went to see FROZEN with Sloan.  Oh Disney, way to go! (I mean that!) Messages about those that have cold in their heart can only be cured by an act of true love.  And my favorite was that it didn’t have to be about a prince coming to the rescue, in face (spoiler alert) the prince was the bad guy this time!! True Love this time is reflected in the heart of a sibling.  I can relate to that.  And I loved it, very, very much.  Songs were fun, Olaf the snowman was fun.  It was just an all around good ol’ Disney movie.  The kind we grew up with.  the kind we end up missing as an adult but go back to watch over and over and make our kids and nephews and nieces watch to make sure they, too, get all the messages we saw.

Back to school tomorrow.  Third trimester.

The first few days of a new year always have a vacation residue feeling to them.  Especially when there are Winter Storms that close highways and subways, causing people to call places to cancel appointments they had, resulting in a couple extra days off of work.  It’s nice-ish.  I get to lay on my extremely comfy bed and watch shows on Netflix.  I currently do not have homework and don’t have to study for anything so the Doing Nothing, is really quite awesome right now.  I mean, I start term up again Monday (couple days) and will have six classes this time around.  Neurology, Kinesiology, Sports Massage, Medical Massage I, Swedish technique lab, and Tai Chi.  I’m kind of excited about Tai Chi.  The breathing will help with massage itself, it will help me clear my head and stay connected to my body.  I’m also going to start going to the gym again.  A Planet Fitness opened a few months ago just down the hill, and it’s 24 hours during the week.  So I can go to work and come home and go, or go before classes on mondays and wednesdays.  It will be nice to have a place I can go and have active me-time.  And I’m glad I won’t have to carry around a duffle bag.  That’s one of the things that suck in NY.  Rule number 2: You have to carry that.

Tomorrow I finish the back bedroom.  The new housemate chose her paint color and earlier in the week I spackled, primer’d, and painted the walls.  Did the baseboards and window trims and I just need to do the closet.  Then that’s done.  Then the last room in the apartment to redo is the living room.  Then…a celebration, I suppose.  I don’t know what, perhaps a new signature cocktail?  Something to add to the Auntie Nani cocktail book (all two of the recipes in existance…)?

In simple news: My housemate, Sloan, made a yummy pasta dinner tonight with a creamy cheesy sauce he made with heavy cream (wow), peas, and italian sausage.  It was quite delicious and filling.

Now to continue Grey’s Anatomy.  I’m in the middle of season 9.  I’ve come a long way with this show.  Took me until Summer of 2013 to watch it.  Then on to Orange is the New Black.  Then I’ll start attacking all those things I want to work towards this year.  But for now…I’m still in the 2013 residue feeling, and I’m okay with doing nothing but watching TV and sipping on my OJ.

As per tradition, this is my year in review:

JANUARY

I slept in until 3:30pm on the first of January 2013 after hosting a very small NYE party in my home.  I also fell ill and missed work the first few days of the year.  I became well enough and continued my outings with my friends.  Working at The Green Apron and Equinox Rockefeller was exhausting but it began my transition to full time esthetician instead of barista and esthetician.  Mexican food is still not easy to find in NY.  Well, GOOD mexican food–but it didn’t stop me and The Professor (a good friend) from trying a place once in a while.  Casi Maggio (a former classmate from PCPA) visited NY for an audition and we found time for a quick meet up on one of my breaks from work.  We went to a Duane Reade where she got shoe inserts and we took a quick picture to prove we were both in NY at the same time once.  I started watching How I Met Your Mother on Netflix.  Discovered Wine-Juice-boxes at Target, I also had Jury Duty, but wasn’t chosen and I’d like to think it had something to do with interrupting the questioning process by saying “Objection, relevance?” a couple times.  Shrug.  I began dating a guy I called The Gentleman, only to later call him The Convict.  smh.

FEBRUARY

STGA and working at EqRock was getting hard but it didn’t stop me from attempting to celebrate, even at the 1 year anniversary party of my location. heh.  I frequented the restaurant my brother Smurf was working at, often, and fell in love with the Outer Reef Burrito.  I was still dating a guy and still looking for a way out of the two-job world.  It was still winter and freezing and windy. I finally made it to the Slaps-giving episode of HIMYM, hilarious.  Just…hilarious.

MARCH

This one gets two people-pics.  Although I could put more pictures.  This was a busy month, apparently.  Full of Chocolate-Chip-Flirt Rice Pudding from Rice to Riches.  Pause for goodness…Thanks you.  I went to a Comedy Show where Janeane Garofalo chatted with me briefly afterwards in the bar.  I completed a Your NY, My NY special edition moment for Kaza.  A Youtube sensation on tour.  Character Miranda took a picture with me and the actor who created her later shot a quick shout-out video to Kaza thanking her.  I totally ROCKED that YNY MNY moment.  I went on a brief vacation to Florida to visit Boyfriend Jenn and the boys while her husband was away at work.  I got to be a Special Guest at her school for her students involved in the theatre department.  And Then I successfully ended dating the guy who appeared as a gentleman, for a number of valid and logical reasons.   His honesty at first was refreshing, but when his twisted past began to mess with the present I excused myself from further moments good enough for Days Of Our Lives.  The good part is I was strong enough to see it happening, and smart enough to walk away from all of it.

I also got hired at a cool Salon in LES called Kropps and Bobbers and quit Eq.  But was still unable to leave The Green Apron.

APRIL

Big news.  I dyed my hair red.  Sweet Sauce.  Lucy’s (34th & 8th) has the best nachos I have yet found in NY.  Macho Nachos.  It’s an appetizer but I can eat that whole thing alone, and I have–few times.  I was busting out a few shows on Netflix: Revenge, HIMYM, White Collar.  All very important to note here in my review.  The band Bound By Substance played at Webster Hall and I got the guitar player and singer to sign my chest.  Sweet Sauce.  I had drinks with The Professor and The Lady Schrift for my birthday and got a yummy cupcake for it as well.  I got a cool nail kit from my mom for my birthday, coolness.  I also attended a NY Bridal Fair and I’d like to say this “Holy Eff.”  These things are CRAZY.  My favorite booth was for a porta-potty where I picked up a mug that was shaped like a toilet.  And I had considered exchanging my CA Drivers License for a NY one, but didn’t do it.

MAY

I began my journey in Massage Therapy Education at The NY College of Health Professions.  My friend whom I affectionately call Mr. Gutter had recently moved to Jersey and came into the City for a some drinks.  My housemate made extremely tasty dinners.  I won the book I needed to get for my Myology class.  I watched “This is Spinal Tap” for the first time–I know..how dare I.  Watching Bones became part of my study routine, and it actually helped by the way.  I said this gem of a thing “More often than not, the approach in which you deliver your opinions, advice and comments will carry more weight than the content itself.”  I don’t remember what made me say it, but I said it.  I also gave notice to The Green Apron and my last day was the 23rd.  And, a sad moment in my year also happened in May: A dear friend in CA passed away on the 19th.

JUNE

My Anatomy Coloring book proved quite helpful (and I’d color in it while watching Bones) I frequented the 240z beverage Strawberrita (a strawberry margarita made with beer…) in my Chalice for summer evenings.  I found my iPhone cover that looks like zorie ((flip flops to some of you).  An extremely important find, mind you.  I began watching Grey’s Anatomy.  That’s a big deal, few people know why.  I was less stressed in life having left The Green Apron and my skin and nails on my hand were thankful as well.  The rest of The Guttersons moved to Jersey in May and I headed over.  Boyfriend Jenn and I went to a Bobby Flay Burger place and it was of course ridiculously good.  RIDICULOUS.  My Netflix shows were HIMYM and Fringe.  And, I sadly was unable to attend the celebration for Rich Stone’s life in CA on June 15. The last time I got to see him and spend time with him we sang at a Family and Friend BBQ while I was visiting from NY.

JULY

I had a disagreement with a teacher.  My argument and facts were valid and logical.  She still wouldnt’ budge on my question and observation.  So I emailed the author of the book we use as our text book, and turns out–I was right.  I LOVE THAT.  I didn’t like her.  She was a terrible teacher.  Terrible.  I could’ve dropped it, but I really wanted a win.  I needed a win from her.  Against her.  Whatever.  Sigh.  Shake it off. Flashback photos of Dance Company were posted on fb reminding me that I was not as fat as I imagined back in High School.  heh.  Thanks Baz. I was interviewed for a grooming blog, Brooklyn Grooming, as an authority on skin care.  Just working at Kropps and Bobbers was not earning me enough to survive, so I had begun the job search and interview process and was offered a position an excellent Boutique Spa.  In celebration Boyfriend Jenn made me a chocolate coconut cake  I wrote a This Is Who I am moment on the 12th on fb that echoed the times when I blogged more often for myself than for others.  A time when I was still in search and discovery mode.  It felt good.  I also had the boys in Jersey help me make Nana Terry’s pancakes for breakfast.

AUGUST

A cute little video of my nephew Bennett playing at a duck park made me cry.  Cry.  smh.  Sigh.  Boyfriend Jenn and I watched the last episode of True Blood together and my comment was “Hi…Alcide..hi” She and I were also asked for our ID to prove we were old enough to see the rated R movie “We’re The Millers” I handed over my ID then asked if they were still in High School with a workers permit.  I don’t think they understood what I meant…Must be our age difference.  I ran the 5k Color Run with Boyfriend Jenn.  Ran (jogged) the whole way and was rewarded with Cheesecake.  My own and bites from everyone else’s.  Many many bites.  heh.  At the end of August my brother Smurf moved out and back to CA.

SEPTEMBER

My second term in Massage school began.  New campus (in SOHO) and new classmates and teachers.  The best part? Was getting a standing date on wednesdays with my friend Sloan at Hair of the Dog in LES.  After Smurf left it was just me and Andrew at home, so I took the front bedroom, the room with french doors (my old bedroom) became the living room, and the small living room and back bedroom became Andrew’s Enclave.  I painted the front room from Tropical Night Skies (the color my brother had it) to Gentle Rain, of the grey family.  This began a painting frenzy in my gut…I took a trip to CA!! I sang at a friends wedding reception , their song for their first dance (Congrats again Anna and Jason Lee).  And I was able to attend my nephews Birthday Party.  He turned two, and when he pointed at me and said “Auntie Nani” my heart melted so hard I cried.  I went to Disneyland with my friend Jack 2013, and celebrated my mothers win over The McGophersons destroying her garden.  I started dating a personal trainer I used to work with.  Good month, other than I hurt my knee getting out of a car…I’m getting old.  hah.

OCTOBER

Palau was named one of the top 10 places to visit in 2014.  I plan to be there in 2015 in celebration of completing massage school and getting licensed.  I haven’t yet decided if I’m going after I graduate, or after I pass licensure–either way, the goal is 2015.  Maybe by then it will be one of the top 5. heh.  I got a free pair of glasses from coastal.com  A much needed pair of glasses.  I tried Pecan Pie flavored vodka at The Zebra Lounge (Planet Rose).  I said this “Home is at the bottom of a glass of wine, God is in the first sip of hard liquor.”  I thought it was pretty fantastic. hahaha.  My aunt didn’t understand if I was being fun or depressed.  The former, Auntie, the former.  Andrew let me know he’d be moving out when the lease was up, at the end of the year.  Giving me plenty of time to decide if I would stay-put and take over the lease or move out on my own.  hmmm.  My Mom visited!!!  One of the favorite days was walking around Central Park where she actually ate a HOT DOG…MY MOM??!!!  We also got to be in Jersey together with The Guttersons (read: The Moffetts) and went Apple Picking at a farm they frequent.  Super cute.  I was supposed to run a 10k with Boyfriend Jenn, but my knee hadn’t healed yet so my mom and I went to watch her leave the start line and cross the finish line. I read the book Divergent.  My friend Sloan took me to a rooftop for a view of where we live.  The City.  I cried, unsure how to deal with my feelings of…well…everything.

NOVEMBER

The painting frenzy that began rumbling in my gut back in September began to grow and surface and turned this month into a crazy overhaul of our apartment.  I had decided to stay-put and find new housemates.  The first thing I wanted to do was change the colors to make it more light, homey, and inviting.  Cleaner and brighter.  Mostly, it was nice that I was allowed to do as I wish.  The hallway went from Avocado green and espresso bean brown, to Cozy Cottage.  A very light beige.  The kitchen went from brick red to Tuscan Terracotta.  The bathroom from a dark purple to one and a half walls being sapphireberry (summer of 2012) to the now Straw Hat Yellow.  All of this before Thanksgiving.  All of this on my own with layers of primer first then paint.  All of this to also say: paint colors are called weird things.  BrightEyes (Amelia Stephens) came to visit! We had only a few days together but had some excellent food and karaoke and even a celebrity siting.  The Trainer and I had gone on a few dates, seeing each other once a week or so.  He brought me cupcakes at work one day for no reason.  I read Insurgent.  Boyfriend Jenn ran a half marathon and while she was running Mr. Gutter and the boys and I, after hours of walking around in the cold closed-down town,  had breakfast at some cafe where the french toast was HUGE and layered with a flavored cream cheese that was delicious.  I hosted Thanksgiving again.  Making the turkey, potatoes, and stuffing.  Andrew these yummy glazed seasoned carrots.  The Professor his Bourbon Dark chocolate chip Pecan Pie.  The Lady Schrift a marvelous salad.  Sloan and Allen homemade biscuits and green bean casserole.  It was lovely.  Truly.

DECEMBER

Finals for second trimester happened.  I finished with a B in A &P II, the class where my very old professor sat reading a power point to us…smh.  It was HELL once a week for 3-4 hours.  A B+ in technique class, an A in Myology, and an A in Fundamentals of Channels and Points.  Four more trimesters to go for my degree, I start up on January 6th.  Winter got here for sure, a couple snowy blizzards.  I got up to season 8 of Grey’s Anatomy.  Catching Fire was released and I saw it with Boyfriend Jenn.  Began reading Shadow of Night and tweeted the author–and she totally tweeted me back.  It was about the weather, but she totally tweeted me back!  I bought a new-to-me TV off craigslist.  My first TV in ten years that was actually mine.  I bought a new-to-me dresser, and a DVD player and watched my christmas movies in my room, the one with french doors.  I moved back into it when Sloan moved into the Front bedroom at the beginning of this month.  Mr. Gutter told me to get a Chromecast and it’s awesome.  I celebrated Christmas in Jersey with The Guttersons.  My first Christmas in YEARS with kids around.  They certainly change the morning. hahaha.  I played games and at good food, then got on the transit home for work the next day.   I had a cold for a few days after, but I didn’t have to go to the doctor’s office.  That’s nice.  Had dinner at place called Zest in LES, yummy sushi and happy hour is until 7pm.  I started watching Scandal on Netflix. I also finished season 1 and 2 in 2 1/2 days.  Thanks to a mean cold I just kept hitting play the next episode.

 I fell asleep early NYE, and woke up to the sounds of people yelling, fireworks firing, and car horns honking.  I didn’t say anything, I looked at the time on my phone, then went back to sleep.

Sometimes the party isn’t about the booze, or the dress.  It’s about the celebration of the roof over your head and the 4″ foam topper that cradles you against your cloud-like comforter.  It’s feeling safe in an empty apartment in the city of Manhattan.  It isn’t about the time ticking back, or a ball dropping.  It’s about looking forward to the time starting again and accepting the ball is in your court and not-dropping the ball.  heh.

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I did not read as much this year as years past.  But I also did not have the same kind of time to spend on “free-time.”  School can be very demanding, and I will rise to the occasion.  I’m paying for it.  I want to learn, and the subjects interest me.  It is hard work, and competition already exists so I must push myself to be as good and better.

1) In two-thousand-thirteen I learned the importance of Credibility.  Accountability and responsibility were lessons I had learned prior to this year, but they are also important for continuing education in this college of life.  Credibility, however, is to me something that is considered a lesson learned, and learned well.  It is based on me.  And that’s it.  How I respond, react, and take action all results in an almost-score for what my credibility is, or will be, or could become.  Right now my close friends and family have their own opinion of my credibility.  Whether that’s in good standing or not is not for me to say.  I score points, I lose points.  This particular point, to me, IS this simple and almost mathematical.

The hard part is: now that I know, making the choices.  The easy part is: now that I know, making the choices…

I also learned how others build “points” with credibility with me.  How to recognize something that’s not good (for me) and how to clear it out.  The hard part is: making sure I see things for what they are, and not making them something else.  The reason this is the hard part is because everything is not black or white, right or wrong, true or false, valid or not valid.  Recognizing credibility is not the same as assigning the way in which to score it.

2) I continued to practice the use of the word “no.”  It has such a negative connotation, doesn’t it? Learning it when we are young is easy.  Then, we miss use it, over use it, under use it, say it when we don’t mean it.  I mean…why is it so complicated???  It’s just “no.”  It can be simple, if we let it.  And this past year I practiced the simplicity of the word “no.” And found that it was at times a discovery, and sometimes freeing.  A simple freedom, for the win.

3) My heart and brain are not the only organs that make decisions.  One does not get followed easier than the other.

4) This past year, I cried.  And for the first time, in a very, very long time.  It felt “normal.” I didn’t cry out of utter depression or anxiety.  I cried when I read something or saw something that moved me to tears.  I cried when I hurt my knee, and my back.  I did not cry because I didn’t…couldn’t leave my bedroom to get to work or school.  I cried at what I deem appropriate-normal-non-situational-depression reasons.  Reasons that are mine that I find logical.  Reasons I am able to understand.  This, was also extremely freeing and very important to me.  I do not want this part to become a place of political volleyball on emotions or mental illness or anything other than:  I just want to say it, because it is about me and my experience.

This coming year I, as usual, have made no resolutions.  There are the goals.  I’m currently on an “up” swing and would like to continue that motion up, and or forward.  I feel strong.

There are the overall goals/wants, in no order::::::

I want to play my piano more, remind myself of the songs I’ve written and possibly record them.

I want to learn sign language.

I want financial freedom and will revisit my Dave Ramsey files to remind and reteach myself of  steps I can accomplish this year and set myself up for success as time progress and moves forward.

I want to do voice overs.

I want to use my crockpot more.

I want to make my NY photo albums on snapfish.

:::::Things….stuff.  What I want to make sure I do is not take steps backwards in my constant learning and adjusting to my adult life.  I’m in my mid thirties.  I live in NY.  And what should, or rather could, that mean and what does it say about me?

* And, I’d like to close with this: Marty McFly does not come to the future this year either.  It’s 2015.  Got that? October 21, 2015.  smh.  Where are those stinking flying cars?

I watched Man of Steel for the second time last night.  Man that Henry guy is hot.  This time around in watching it though I noticed the editing was more like a comic book.  Well, I don’t know if that’s absolute because I don’t read comic books.  I’ve glanced here and there in life but really, I don’t read them.  It was the sharp clip changes that make me say that.  And it’s cool.  I also like the suit they created.  I remember watching a behind-the-scenes, or some short on youtube that explained how they came to the decision of the suit and wardrobe in the movie.  Also pretty cool.  I like all the growling he does, like his super strength is actually being tested.  Maybe could be turned into a drinking game for kicks.  Have a sip of wine of shot of whiskey every time he growls.  Shrug.  Could be fun. What I don’t really get is the story.  Except, I like that. It’s not an origin story.  It’s not a love story.  It’s not even a discovery story I don’t think.  It’s just a dip into the life of this alien that landed on earth.  It’s watching the brief turning point in this alien’s life where he chooses the planet he grew up on, over the planet he was born on.  Could be a parallel to life as we know it or live it, and the choices we make.  Could be a mirror to how it’s not our DNA that decides who we are or what makes a family a family.  Could be many things…I suppose.

I do like that part where he knocks Zod through the cornfield and says “You think you can threaten my mother!?!!”