Aiyani Mersai

I shall post more later but until then……it’s WELL past 12am in New York – which (I believe is where John is tonight, since the last time he was out and about via tour it was 10/9/04 in Aruba) means:

Happy Birthday to YOU
Happy Birthday to YOU
Happy birthday to John Mayer!!!!!
Happy Birthday to YOU

He is 27, a year and a half older than me,  and I hope to be married to him by the time I am 30 (if not sooner!!!!!)

Notes to self:
Loke & Sgt. James!
Opening Night
Angry Housewives
New York in December
Medieval Times
Paul McCartney (mommie had dinner with him and many other celebrities)
The Green Apron
“Inactive” with Cavaleri & Associates (maybe??)

I think thats it for now.

and Seanah! – I hope the car that hit Ziven was damaged and know that Kharma kicks ass and God does too!

My sister just called me and told me Christopher Reeve Past Away tonight.  He fell into a coma saturday night after he suffered cardiac arrest.  I don’t know this man, I’ve never met him, I grew up watching him and I know that in Every superman show or take on “Superman” no one has ever lived up to the esteem works of this man.  I’m sure it must have been an honor to work with him, to know him as a friend and a small part of me feels like one of my own relatives or friends has past away.  He always seemed charming, well kept, polite and kind.  I’m proud to have had him apart of my life growing up, even if it was just in the movies.  Crying a little right now seems appropriate.  He was such a fighter, such an example of life and trials and tribulations.  His triumph over many hearts does not die with him, nor does his hard work and efforts in all that he stood for and supported.  It’s always wierd when a celebrity you’ve watched over the years passes away.  It is as if you really knew them, and for me – I will remember where I was/am when I found out that this world lost him and the heavens gained a truly amazing and wonderful Super Man.

I successfully ripped a pair of my pants at the green apron.  In the inner thigh, not along a seem so I can’t sew it.  So I go to Mervyns this day to try to find a new pair.  I would go to Gap – as they are the only place as of yet with pants I actually like, in the size I actually wear.  But I’m poor, so Mervyns it was.  When i walk in I go to the right that’s where the women’s clothes are and I head for the pants.  I can wear khaki colored or black pants or shorts or capri’s or skirts – so I’m looking at pants.  I tryed on 6 pairs.  ALL too small, some tapered in leg – I HATE THAT.  SO I walked back out and went for a bigger size, but the was the larges they had.  But, this is mervyns surely they don’t go up to ONLY this size?…..Look over across from Juniors “Womens sizes” meaning, the plus size division.  Now – I’m well aware I am a “plus size” girl.  Well aware.  I’m not necessarily afraid of that, but at times it can be depressing. This would be one of those times.

There isn’t anyone that is large that works in the fashion industry to assist in making sure clothes are made a larger sizes that don’t look like absolute crap.  These are clothes my grandmother wore.  There are too many patterns, to many flashy things.  This by the way does not assist in taking away from the fact that I am large, it only shouts “Look how HUGE i am” AND people need to not make clothes with horizontal lines any bigger than a 10 i’m sorry, it’s just not becoming at ALL.  So……..where are the pants?  Oh HERE they are, my choices are ALL elastic. Why? Because girls my size need to know that buttons and zippers don’t actually exist if you’re bigger.  And They ALL TAPER.  SO – my choices are elastic at the top, taper to the ankle and horid patterns.  Oh the joys of being large.  I kept wandering around thinking there’s got to be ONE pair of pants that *I* will wear.  Not rayon, or silk, or satin – I need COTTON, or poly/cotton. Hell Stretch/cotton would work.  I found a shelf with PLAIN pants on them and looked at them discouraged and found a pair- a, singular, one pair of black pants that have a button and zipper that was marked with my size.  I went and tried them on – TOO BIG???!!! What the–??!!! So across the isle one size fits one way, and back over here they fit bigger and more roomier (because that’s a word). SO – I’m around looking for my “original” size I went in there looking for (when I tried them on and they were ALL TOO SMALL) and low and behold, there they were.  Hidden under some 22’s and 24’s (no that’s not my size i’m still a teen size – that’s a bit ironic and stupid sounding isn’t it?) There it was – A black pair of pants that don’t taper, made of good fabric that button and have a zipper and they were a 16.  They fit just fine.  So I held on to those, as I was SURE to lose them if I put them down.  I wondered about the “women’s” section more – and MY GOD, horrible.

Just Horrible!!!  I feel like telling the fashion industry larger women dont’ want have pants that come up to their boobs and give the tapered high water effect.  Nor do we want to wear those pants with these blouses that look like a kat threw up on it, or like I took the ENTIRE amazon and shoved it ALL on one piece of clothing.  We don’t need effing bows, or shiny wanna be jewels or pieces that look stuffed like pillows and sewed on.  We don’t want REALLY thick sweaters – WE’RE ALREADY BIG AND WE WILL SWEAT TERRIBLY IF WE HAVE TO MUCH ON.  We don’t need crazy wild colors, we need tame, subdued, and mild colors that will assist in accenting and highlighting our curves.  We don’t need/want pants that freagin’ have a hook and eye on the SIDE with a zipper on the side…we can’t see past our rolls to hook it anyways.  At least in the front we have the sense of touch and can remember how to button a button in the front.  We want more options than freagin’ ELASTIC.  And it’s not nice, subtle elastic – it’s 3 inches thick, and can leave marks all over your body from it squeezing on to you so damn hard.  We don’t want pants, shorts, or skirts that are designed to close at the “smallest part of our waist” sometimes that’s up to high – and we wear pants LOWER than that.  and ps, there IS NO small part of my waist – it’s ALL BIG.  Stop trying to sell me glitter and glam – I’m fat, I need something comfy but not stupid.  Stop trying to sell me patterns and stripes – I may be fat but I’m not BLIND and I dont’ want my friends to go blind either! 

Stop trying to tell me I need to wear underwear that covers my entire ass and comes up to my chest in order to look “thinner” the only lingerie that will make me look thinner is a girdle – and they DON’T MAKE THEM in MY size ANYWAYS.  Bras TOO.  So WHAT if you don’t want to make a pink and purple pokadoted bra in a 40 D – that’s fine. REALLY IT IS, THAT’s not the problem.  The problem is you put a seem RIGHT ACROSS the middle of the breast. Why do you do that???? All can see this seem when wearing ANY shirt – it’s not becoming, it doesn’t help lift, shape or support these things so why do the seem thing? and why do *I* all of a sudden need 4 to 5 hooks to hold this thing in place?  And why are the straps bigger than my seatbelt?  I don’t need patterns (again, always trying to pawn off terrible patterns on big girls) I don’t need PADDING.  Honestly – who are these people? The thin foam later that assists in not showing the headlights are on bright on a coldnight is BRILLIANT. But THIN foam layer will do.  THIN.  I mean PLEASE – we’re already big, why do we need MORE stuffing on the girls? eh? 

Shirts and blouses are an interesting issue as well.  So if its long sleeve it will fit my arms but not my breasts or shoulders.  So if I get a bigger size I now look like I’m trying to cover a pregnancy and the sleeves go to my ankles.  And why are all the blouses made of fabrics that I will sweat through terribly and it will show to EVERYONE in the freeworld that I’m a fat sweating pig???? Thanks to some of the people who make them lighter in fabric but too light is see-through and then I’m forced to wear a tanktop thing underneath, of which is normally too clingy and therefore showing off my fat THROUGH the see-through shirt ANYWAYS so why did i bother wearing a big longsleeve shirt?

I understand some big girls are proud of every roll, of every curve – but believe me the majority of us feel ashamed and uncomfortable in our own skin, so why are they making it worse?  NO sexy underwear exists larger than a large – and i AM larger than a “large”.  Fun clothes, jeans, tops and any thing else I put on this body of mine is never actually FUN becuase it doesn’t lift, fit, tuck, hide or support without looking stupid, loud, bright and busy.  All I want are plain bras to hold the girls in place that still cover the headlights in the cold.  I want pants that are lowrise fit my butt AND my thighs and do not taper.  I want shirts that show I have a figure without being clingy hot or see through with animals on them, and underwear that covers the necessary areas without making me feel like I’m wearing a diaper.  I didn’t know I was asking too much

ps.  I wear size 10 shoes, and you can IMAGINE the options I have with that (2 inch heel bright orange snake skin on the sale rack) oh the joys of being a princess???

My Complaints:
1.  The importance of pretending to be 18 with HUGE knockers is opening next friday. THANK GOD. Then it will close 3 weeks after that. WONDERFUL.  I was supposed to be off book last wednesday – didn’t happen.  Well i was a little but constantly used “line” for the beginning of almost EVERY line.  And quite frankly that’s ridiculous and a waste of EVERYONE’s time.  So I apologized.  Today, I called for it only once and everyone else is still calling for them left and right.  I suppose it will be an itneresting week here pretty soon.  We dont’ have all our props, the set is not finished, the furniture is non existant right now and I have the distinct feeling that I’m going to provide a whole bunch of my own stuff.  Little do they know…….I mean – I’ll provide it if I have it, practically all the silver stuff – trays plates whatever – will be mine from my “Gina Collection” but I’m NOT going to go out and buy a bracelet, a ring, a diary, an 1890 style PEN, whatever the hell THAT may look like, or SHOES.  I will NOT go out and just BUY these things.  I barely have money to make my car payment and other payments let alone buy something I will NEVER use again. They can just deal with it and have the prop master (oh, we dont’ have one) or the costumer get them.  I’m sorry if that sounds like I’m dumping responsibility but don’t they have a budget for this thing? I know I know, try a thrift store – hi. HI.  I’m NOT going to buy things I will NEVER use again, it’s such a waste.

2.  S.T.G.A.  I know some people want to go see THE play but I really, REALLY don’t want my co-workers there.  At least my friends and I could laugh at stuff.  I don’t get along royally with anyone there, infact almost every guy there has pissed me off at least once, to the point of me not wanting to go back.  And the girl …Ashley – talks WAY too much.  She just never shuts up and she flat out said she and the other girls are going to go and make fun of me and try to bring me out of character.  And yah – she’s the kind that just might do it to piss me off because SHE thought it would be funny.  And I WiLL NOT work there if they are mean to me about ANYTHING I do.  I will REFUSE to take THAT sort of behavior.  Some people just don’t get it you know?  And some things just aren’t worth it if they actually do it.  I mean……..I don’t get paid SEVEN dollars ($2.33 after taxes ish) to be talked to or made fun of or ANYTHING like that.  It’s not nice.  So there’s that.

Other Stuff:

I successfully downloaded “Defying Gravity” from the Tony’s this year.  Member that????? Member when I was on the phone with Michael then I got off the phone with him to WATCH it THEN I called kaza and said “i’ll get there as soon as I can”……..? member??? WELL THAT clip now lives on my computer.  I watched it twice before going to THE play and I cried with tears of excitement.    I haven’t been able to find the Avenue Q clip – it’s more difficult to find for some reason.

I haven’t been to they gym in a while – I know I know, I can’t complain about being fat if I have a gym membership and don’t use it.  In slight fairness I’m either s.t.g.a., at THE play, or trying to catch up on sleep if I’ve been deprived of it.  That really one takes care of maybe 3 or 4 days out of the week.  The other days – I don’t know.  There was also the problem of not having a sportsbra that FITS.  When you’re a 40 D and the only sports bras that exist are the one that fit when you were a 36 C.  it really DOES hurt.  It’s sort or like a small suffocation problem.  It didn’t enable me to breathe very well. BUT mommie bought me 2 at target so NOW I CAN go.  And I have shoes – and pants and t-shirts.  I lack motiviation.  You’d think that “I’m fat and want to lose weight” would be motivating enough.  And it was, it WAS for a while there. And I even started losing weight, then I just stopped.  I’m retarded. I know – AND I found the Winsor Pilates tapes my sister let me borrow – they were in storage.  Those are HOTCAKES and sell like crazy and are actually a little expensive and I have them for FREE – so why don’t I use them??? I DON’T KNOW – I’M RETARDED.

So there’s that.

All of a sudden today I started thinking about Christmas presents and what I would like to buy for people.  In reality – everyone will pretty much get what I got them last year, and that is nothing.  Really.  I will not have CC’s to use, I CERTAINLY don’t make enough money at t.g.a – besides I need to save money and go visit Husband and Mahroomah in december before she comes back out here for Christmas.  It’s just all going to happen so fast I think.  October will (hopefully for THE play reasons) be over soon, November will sort of float into my life and all of a sudden it’s going to be Christmas and new years and I will for the 4th time in my adult life say – this is the year that I actually change the way I look.  This is the year I try harder – and we’ll just have to see how that goes.  I know that next year I will be closer to 30 than 20, and 2 years after next year will be a 10 year reunion, and we can’t let all those people see me fat???!!!! no no no no noNONONONONOONONONONOOOOOOOOOOO.  I STILL need to succeed in this entertainment industry before I see these people – I still have to marry John mayer!!!!!……..so much to do and it’s all happening so fast!!!!!  One of the things my mommie always says to me is to not get distracted.  That my goals are attainable but I have to stay focused.  She’s right, she’s right, I know she’s right………..but I do – I DO get distraced, I AM distracted.  I NEED a personal trainer to get my ass going – I NEED someone to tell me what to eat and make sure I do it – i DO need a babysitter apparently.  I can’t seem to do AnYTHING on my own, i’m just sort of worthless that way……..and you know what I mean by that.  I’m just a big  ………..BIG baby. 

Hi, I dont’ want people to think they can talk to me they way they do.  I don’t want people to think they can touch me a certain way or look at me wierd – I’m OVER it.  There’s this thing called respect that apparently some of the people in this town lack, and it gets old. REAL fast.  And I know respect is supposed to be EARNED but I’m sorry I don’t know you and you smacked/grabbed my ass????? – I have like 3 people who will kick you ass RIGHT NOW.  And then there are people who think they have those privelages – well you DON”T, I barely know you too!!!! These people don’t even know this journal exists but YOU know what I mean and certainly understand I’m sure.  but why??? WhY WHY WHY???!!! DO SOME PEOPLE THINK IT’S OK???!!! Stupid.

On the phone, please hold…………………(15 minutes later)….I’m back.

A bit sort of off set now, not to cry out “as if I don’t have enough on my mind” but it is always the little issues that seem to become problems, isn’t that wierd? I mean………..I don’t know – what’s an example at random…….lets say – lets say you are dating someone and they say well I’m gay I don’t want to be with you anymore. it’s like woah! big deal, but your okay with it. someone says I think I like someone else and you flip out don’t ya?? You compare yourself, you wan to know who they are where they met and  you wah wah wah about it – so here I am I’m wah wah wahing over something small. something *I* will have made big, and something that *I* will have to hear more about later.  something that I can’t let go and it’s SMALL.  Why do we…..why do I do this?? again, stupid. Probably because it subconsciously IS  a big deal to me. oh well I suppose. And though I dont’ make it a big deal verbally or get all physical and big with it – I guess sometimes the silence is louder.  You want to roll your eyes but at the “issue” at yourself and the person it’s with and just say “can we just drop it already?” (mimicks folding up a box and setting it aside)

I’ve decided frankly I haven’t any close friends that live here.  And it hurts me, it hurts my heart.  I’m sure I know you, I’m sure we are acquaintences on some level, I met you during a show, or after a show at a party or at the dunes even or maybe even on one of those friends sites.  But we are not close.  You don’t call me and I don’t call you.  We don’t hang out unless theres a bunch of people – and people dont’ come out if I say so but will if a close friend says so.  It’s nothing I’m boo hooing about mind you, just stating it.  My dearest closest friend lives in New York.  Kaza I miss you.  I miss living at the barn with you and entrusting EVERYTHING I am, do, breathe, see, and ANYTHING – to you.  I miss nahnnah of course, hi nahnnah.  I miss Ro…….hey ro…. but kaza – man (slight sigh) I get rather lonely here.  No one really understands all that I do or am or say, and you would – you do.  I love that you try to keep me informed with what’s going on – thank you free tix the other night to the yankees.  I love that we text secret messages like “send me an angel” and “oops”  I appreciate these other people and I’m glad I get to see them but we’re just not really close you know?  And the only time I go out is if Michael wants to go somewhere for dinner, or we sometimes go to hobees, and to skarieokie.  And that’s not the same either.  And I’m looked at wierd because of my energy and sillyness and they just don’t get it, or they say she’s drunk or high or all these things that I’m not, I’m just better with you around I guess kaza.  I’m safer, I’m funnier, and if there’s two of us they think we’re lesbians or we just put on a really great show and it’s great entertainment.  but I don’t have  that, or anything close to that with anyone else and it feels cold and empty sometimes.  And sometimes when I see these other people – when it’s nice it IS. and Judy fed me alcohol induced fruit again the other night and it was great, but then I left and that was that.  And sometimes I feel invited but not, sometimes I feel like I’m supposed to be the outcast the goofy one, so I am – but sometimes I just want nailpolish and ice cream with 2 spoons and the couch in the living room with mahroomah.  And I don’t get to have that.  and husband?  of course whom I adore – and we talk often and we have our moments so it’s like having a girl version and a boy version.  I’m so lucky – but neither of you are here.  (medium sigh)

Now that I’ve gone from complaining to calling myself names, to slight frustration and rolling my eyes to sadness I think I’ll go.  I AM rather hungry, my tummy is growling like crazy.  I wish I had some doritos right now, it’s a comfort food for me.  That and I’m craving either orange chicken from my local panda or my own pizza with stuffed crust.  Comfort food – it’s horrible for my figure just like everything else in this world.

So I got to “rehearsal” for THE play an hour and half after they began on friday. Walked into “Game Night.”  Which was a whole bunch of improvisational games and stuff – It was fun, yes, but I rushed to get back for that? ok, so that happened.

Then Michael and I moved his new mattress into his room and took his old mattress to my mommies house for step brandon.  We ate at Panda express and off to Skarieokie.  I sang……..Ray of Light and Don’t know why in the course of 3 1/2 hours.  Always great to have people at the bar, the bar makes money, (hopefully) keving the Karaoke GOD gets better tips and people all dance around and stuff.  Some scene with one of the new guys “andy”  Guess he didn’t like waiting – cryer. hahahahaha – Kevin rules and he’ll probably post about it so go read it there.

Today Michael and I grabbed coffee at gus’s and I went to s.t.g.a. and i got leave early. so that’s nice.  My bra is bothering me so I’m debating on how much longer I’m going to be wearing it.  I do have dinner plans so I’ll have to at least wear it through that.

Tomorrow? Who knows.

I don’t remember what even happened this past week.  I know I didn’t go to skarieokie Saturday because Michael and I went to Cambria and had a fabU time and were wiped out and stayed home just chattin’ away.  Good long talks – sometimes those are good you know?

Sunday?…..sunday I think I had to work but I don’t remember, then there was

Monday: and I didn’t have to work so I hung out with Michael again, OH – I auditioned for this play called “Sylvia” about a dog and her new owner.  *it’s* funny but WAY alot of swearing.  I only read once and sat there for 2 freagin hours.  They were still reading people when I left at 9pm, some of us had to s.t.g.a. at 5am tuesday.

Tuesday: Yah I worked….then drove to La la land for an audition for a Mervyns Holiday Commercial – then I drove back intime to take promo pics for The Importance of Pretending to be 18 with HUGE Knockers.  aka “THE play” (hi michael….THE city!)  Then home again. 

Wednesday:  Get up at 7:30 shower grab some coffee and water at my local green apron and back to La La land again for a TV show called “Grey’s Anatomy.”  I was up for the pediatrics intern.  I go there on time – wonderful, then they skipped me….oops.  Then they called me in and there was a guy and a girl. and the girl ( I think Linda) said she was listening but her computer was being wierd.  So I asked her what the problem was and she said when she tries to type infront of words it types over the words that are there.  So I said does it say “OVR” near the bottom on your screen.  And she said yes – then I said hit the “insert” key. And she didn’t know what I meant – so I said “on your keyboard” and she didn’t see it, so I got up and showed her and she said I got an A+ for my PC knowledge.  THAT was funny.  she said she’s been dealing with it for an hour and we all laughed because she was amazed at her own brain fart.  (fart is a funny word) SO then I read my scenes – 2 of them. And they say fantastic, A+ I’m a great actress and I say thank you and they say “no, no REALLY if it was our choice it would be you….but are you SAG”  no, no i’m not …”are you SAG eligible” I don’t know “ask your Agent to call us” then we said thanks, have a great day and I called Cinthia. No I’m not eligible. so pretty sure that’s a No on the part.  BUT it did feel REALLY great for them to say what they did.  Because they SOOOO do not have to say ANYTHING to me.  They can say “thank you” and not even watch me as I leave.  But they sat in there and talked to me on what I need to do to get into SAG and stuff.  I thought that was VERY cool of them.  so there’s that  – then I drove home intime for THE play rehearsal.  We were supposed to be off book – I kind of am, whatever.

Today is thursday, I slept in til 11 and didn’t feel rested at ALL.  Michael said I tossed and turned alot and I remember telling him when he left for work that I had like 12 dreams, and they were horrible.  But when I finally woke up-woke up I only remember 2 of them.  And only one was HORRIBLE.  Terrible dream about the little Rikster.  He’s 11 now and in my dream he was like 3 and it was blury and wierd.  But smurf was there and he was the age  he is now….and rik had blood all over his chest and shirt and he was sitting on the couch with his eyes closed and mouth opened. and Smurf wouldn’t let me get near rik, and he wouldn’t wake up when I was yelling his name – and it was SOOOO bloody and I was crying and scared.  THEN FINALLY smurf went over and wiped off the blood and changed Riki’s shirt and then riki woke up.  But it was horrible, just horrible.  One of my WORST fears is something happening to Rik.  My sibling nightmares are always sad, but when they are about rik they traggic and scary and horrible and sometimes I wake up crying.  Couple times I’ve dreamt that summer was missing, but there was not blood.  Once I had a dream about Ben(smurf) drowning in a washing machine, but that was a LONG time ago when he really WAS little, and I was younger.  And little riki………i get so scared so easily with him.  I’ve had more nightmares about him then anyone else.  I don’t know what THAT means, I do know that I don’t like them. Ever.

so it’s still thursday and cinthia called me.  I have an audition tomorrow for a TV Land film.  I s.t.g.a at 5am – 12pm and my audition is at 4:27.  yah.  Four Twenty seven.  Gotta love that right? So I’ll drive down there after work then drive back up with EVERYONE else for the weekend who is trying to get away from La La land.  I’ll get to rehearsal for THE play a little late, but I already called the A.D and told her. 

Saturday I s.t.g.a. from 12pm – 5pm and Daaaannnaa wants to play, maybe dinner, and Jack wants to play….maybe drinks.  We’ll see, then

Sunday s.t.g.a. 11a – 4p then meet up with “Gwen” from THE play to do out scene over and over – it’s my hardest scene because it’s so wordy. SO words, then after that I have dinner plans in SLO

And, so you know – though you’re kind of not invited still, anyone that is slightly curious about The importance of pretending to be 18 with HUGE knockers and actually wants to see what its all about and why I complain or if you want to make fun of me playing an 18 year old opposite an 18 year old I used to baby sit……….I guess you can.  (reverse psychology) HOWEVER.  You are ONLY allowed to see it on:

10/15
10/16 (John Mayer’s Birthday!!! He’ll be 27)
10/17
10/29
10/30
Night shows are at 8pm, matinees are at 2pm.  $10 General admission
525 N. Thompson Avenue at Nipomo High School in the Olympic Hall
Chairs are folding chairs and it is not stadium seating….it’s the freagin High school theatre….so it will be uncomfortable for all of us.
805-929-2044

There will not be another invite post, this will be it.  If you don’t go – My feelings will not be hurt, REALLY

There WILL be more complaining and that is my choice.  You don’t even have to read about it if you don’t want to.  I’ll start putting

“My complaints” at the beginning, then listing off what it is………… ie.

My Complaints
1. THE play……….enter all the things I need to say here
2. s.t.g.a………..enter all the things I need to say here

follow? fantastic.

October will fly by.  I have to deal with his director only 21 more times.  some of those times are during the matinee and night shows counting separately and loading in the set (which I may not be available for) . If I count days only – I only have to deal with this director. 16.

Thank you 16. Let the countdown begin.