Aiyani Mersai

Yesterday I didn’t have to do ANYTHING I didn’t want to. Michael and I took his bike……(woah aiyani on a motorcycle)went to Hobees around 1:30pm, then to Best Buy, then Borders, then Starbucks, then just drove around a bit. Later went to the store and got food for dinner and made our way to Skariokie. It was a fabUfun day and I’m a pro going around turns now! I felt like singing “cool rider” from Grease 2……anyone?…..anyone?….bueler?…..bueler…….myfavoritesiter will know what I’m talking about.

Slow for a saturday night – I sang Forgivin’ by Alanis – I really want to sing other songs and I would if I even knew it a little bit, but I don’t really listen to anyone else accept John, Alanis, Sarah , and Madonna – dig Evanesance (sp? some days i can some days i can’t)but there’s like 2 people who can actually sing THAT well, hi….amy…IN Evanesense and nahnnah I mean I’ve tried, other girls skarieokie try, but none of us rock the house – and that’s not to offend it just you know, carry a tune – fine/fabulous. ROCK THE HOUSE??!!! Find Nahnnah. So that happened.

My mommie and I are supposed to look at phones for me this day after she gets home from church, hope she calls the house phone, as mine is………well being stupid. =)

I forgot to tell everyone I saw Spiderman 2, my review follows:

Princess’ review for

It’s Called “Phat Girlz” ok? is EVERYONE happy now. And I was up for “a shopper!” wow – I know. Don’t be mean, don’t ask me anymore questions. I had to read the sides (part of a script)and it was about me being jealous of this other girls outfit, finding out she made it then wanting her to make me one, or convince her she should sell her stuff because it’s THAT good. ok? we good? good. NOW….

The drive there wasn’t as horrible……that’s a LIE. Traffic in Santa Barbara AND La La Land – go there in time for rush hour, love my life. Got to my callback a 1/2 hour later than I was slotted at, but they were find with it and welcomed me in and asked how the drive was. I did my thing, then left – it was less than 7 minutes from signing in, going up and slating myself (look in camera say name) and reading the sides and leaving. It takes longer to pump gas. BUT – it’s what I chose right? ….so that happened.

Got to Bobby’s house (my friend Bobby from Ohio that played at me and Antoan’s house like everynight before I moved away) and met his friend Bob and bob’s friend Bill. It was a B night I guess – that and Vodka. Vodka shots first – ewe, I can’t stand Vodka by itself. Then Vodka and some juice Bobby had, then Vodka and pepsi – cause that’s what was left besides milk. (milk, Jax….ps what’s the dealio with that?) hahahahaah – anyways. So we got drunk and were planning to watch Along Came Polly and Monster – neither of which actually got my attention. I had ramen around 2am and an egg and sat with Bill discussing him singing with some vocal jazz group in Spain – they were on tour apparently. Guess that’s cool. Bobby went for a swim around midnight – had to watch him and make sure nothing happened, I wasn’t tossed by then but I wasn’t going to drink until he was done with his swim thing. Bob is a bit vulgar, his jokes are potty, petty, or gross. But funny all the same – my mommie wouldn’t like his sense of humor though. Went to sleep around 3am, called Michael like 50 times among other random people, poor adam from the band i brought home – i think i woke his housemates up……oh WELL! And plantboy i’m sure understood my slury “hi it aiyani and i’m drunk and saying hi” or whatever message i left him. meh.

Woke up today around noon, bill left around 10am, bobby and bob and i were scattered over the couch and bobby’s bed. We ate at Coco’s then I got on the road at 3:30…….didn’t make it HOME TIL 7:30 – whatever.

Next saturday is John in July – been waiting on this for a while. Adam said he’d ask his friend Erik (plays trumpet FOR JOHN ON TOUR…..i hate my life) if I could go see the one in Mountain View (S.F area)on friday, so we’ll see. If not, I still get to see him with Bobby, Daaaannnaa and Brighteyes – can’t wait!!!! It will be my 7th time seeing him in concert, and if i could I’d see him in Chula Vista on Sunday, but alas…..that is not the case.

SO – I’m having these feeling of inadequecy (sp? no idea) like I’m not good enough for things. For people, for myself for whatever. And therefore I depress myself. Than it’s like what’s the big deal??? Why do I have to make EVERYTHING such a BIG friggin’ deal. I have these feelings that I can’t express, if I do people get hurt, if I don’t *I* feel hurt and smothered in my own thoughts. Like I have no real outlet…..paging kaza, Kaza report to the barn please. Kick the boys out, grab a blanket and some nailpolish and I’ll get the ice cream…with 2 spoons. Birdcage in the background and we need to talk about this heart of mine and why it feels whole one second and the next split in 2 directions. No deals. After all, I’m going to marry John Mayer anyways right? right? anyone? no? hhmm….. – that’s a work in progress.

and now….the notes:

My friend ~ A time for everything and everything in it’s time. Know that my world feels incomplete without you in it. Friends are supposed to last forever, this is why we want to end up with a friend, I think. This is why we long for words and communication. In the middle of trying to find yourself, well myself, I don’t want to lose sight of what I think IS important, and I don’t want you to either. It’s good to hear your voice, when I do, and it’s nice looking forward to time where we can hang out, talk, or watch movies, or maybe just sit and veg-out because it’s comfortable to do so.

Mahroomah~ a;lfjsefoija – PG found a flight for under $350 so I’m working on it I’m working on it. I know time is a cruncher – but have faith! I’m trying to. Nahnnah said auditions for Wicked are tomorrow – GO! I know you will, but still – GO. And I know i’m supposed to call you, I WILL.

Brighteyes ~ sorry I didnt’ get your voicemail til today. did you get mine?

Jax~ Dairy? the whole world is wondering NOW

Tyler ~ man, you are a funny guy. Witty, silly and you definately have a way with words, hi jayme.

Kevin & Brighteyes ~ sorry I didn’t show up to skarieokie on tuesday, I know I said I would – had to take care of a mini situation. I know you love me still, and I’ll see you tomorrow night.

Judy ~ a part of me longs for you to feed me the forbidden fruit. lol – that’s all.

Loke ~ I’ll ALL over it!!!! I can’t wait! and….will I see you tomorrow night too? Jim gonna play too??

Rookie ~ (slaps belly) thank you for our conversation yesterday, it helped more than you know.

Sapphire Moon revisited players ~ I’m sorry I had to back out of the show. For my own reasons, nothing against ANYONE in the cast, there is NO drama – just a timing thing. Am I still allowed to hang out with you guys?

My substitute cel phone refuses to charge, or hold a charge after it charges even a little, so i keep it off so I can have it in the event there is an emergency. I still check for messages though.

That’s all. Have a great night – I’m gonna watch “That Thing You do” And for those of you who want a tidbit of roomah speak:
oneders = got it
guypatterson = wonderful
pittsburgh = excited (sometimes), like I can’t spit out your thought that is so exciting, so I say….pittsburgh

Good night Neverland, Toy talk is happening SOON and I can’t wait.

“Something has changed within me. Something is not the same. I’m through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep. it’s time to trust my instincts, close my eyes….and Leap.”

You ever have one of THOSE days, where you fee like the world is SO gettin an ass-whoopin. Like WATCH OUT, here I am! Look out Tuscon!” Ever have moments where you’re so confused, but once you decide it wasn’t that difficult after all?

yah – this is not one of those days,but I think I’m close!! Like the first step in a program is ‘admitting you have a problem’ – so there. i’ve done that, now what? Now I’m supposed to

“close my eyes and leap – it’s time to try defying gravity”

We can take this a few ways. We can take it as, literally – or not so literally.

If we decide to defy gravity, and drop those who keep us tied down somehow – is it worth it? Is it worth the risk of being the outcast? or the wicked one? the one who dropped the ball, or whatever. I guess it really starts with, what makes it so wrong? What’s happening that forces us to drop the ball, or give up, or fly away? What was so disagreeable that it wouldn’t have worked no matter what? Do we ever get to really know? I mean, wicked is wicked – good is good right? WRONG. what if what is right…..IS wrong….for the long run, or what everyone says IS right – ends UP being wrong and you end up with all this regret and wasted time and wah wah wah. AND AND AND, what if we do what everyone else says to do, we just doing it cause we can’t make decisions ourself? what does that say about us? What does that say about our beliefs and what we feel in our hearts? It is these thoughts that make you want to get up and maybe make a difference, maybe leave your mark – or attempt to and if you don’t try you’re stuck with what could’ve been, or what could’ve happened.

“I’m through accepting limits, cause someone says they’re so. Some things I cannot change, but til I try I’ll never know.”

If you don’t get up every morning and say – today is a brand new day. somethings wrong. And to tell ya the truth, somethings wrong with me. Days just go by so fast and I’m in bliss, then I’m in trouble, then I’m happy, then I’m hungry – but I dont’ do anything for ME, to know that *I* did something today! Something important, or something positive. I sit and sulk and wonder about…..things. ….Things I wish I would’ve done differently, things I think i could still change. Then I go – GET OVER IT IT”S IN THE PAST. But is it? And is it so horrible to want to go back? Nah, the thought of going back is fine, but sulking because you can’t – no deals.

Get up, do your thing for the day, but make it a good thing. Cut your strings spread your wings and fly. And who CARES if someone or everyone thinks you’re wrong or evil, or wicked. You’re doing what YOU think is important

“….as someone told me lately everyone deserves a chance to fly. And if I’m flying solo – at least I know I’m free, to those who ground me take a message back from me. Tell them how I am defying gravity, I’m flying high defying gravity…..”

Enjoy yourselves, get up, learn, teach, do, and remember sometimes you can’t be with the ones you love, but you can love the ones your with. Don’t take anyone or anything for granted. There is a time for everything, and everything in its time.

Kaza comes home in 16 days, and I see John in 10. I have to go to La La Land tomorrow – got a call back for a film I auditioned for last week. Have a substitute phone, same number though. So that’s that.

SO!, yah I get to Rich’s SMASHING party on Sunday, the fantabalastic 4th of July bash and quickly say my hello’s to everyone. Took the Smurf with me (that’s the brother) hug hug hug, introduce introduce, find the FOOD. Hey! There’s Jim! Loke’s boyfriend. Hi, talk talk talk – nothing really just the play the food, don’t know when I got there but asked him if he ever saw Finding Nemo (Kind of a test you know, like if you haven’t you don’t get to stay!!!!!) his response? yes, many times and then he said what the subject title says. HOW COOL IS THAT!!! That’s the BEST response EVER for Findig Nemo. An extra 83 points were added to his score.

The Karaoke God broke out his equipment and we were all singing eventually – even the Smurf….how cute is THAT! hahahaha, ok – sister stuff sorry. It was wonderful to be playing with Nahnnah and Brighteyes – almost complete. We really needed Kaza there, and Randy n Cortney and CALEB! Michael sang Red House – I died. Of course. I love that song, it’s just HOT to me, and he knows it – he kind of uses it against me that way. For those slightly wondering – and thank you for not interviewing me about it, but my “issues” have not necessarily been resolved but one thing at a time. After all, we agreed we weren’t in any sort of committed relationship. Though I know there is love there, we will see where it goes – I know he wonders about Plantboy, as do I. Often. This is just wierd. My feelings, my whatever – it’s all just wierd. Like having to chose for the long run or the short run – you know me at all, I don’t like making the decisions. I will – but I don’t like it.

Angry Housewives closed with an amazing audience. Those who collected points for their attendance at all are: Randy Bear & Michelle, Sir James and Angie, Sir Jerime and his lady friend, Nahnnah, Roger Rabbit, Loke n Jim, my fam, including Barbs & Glenn from MISSOURI, Jack 2004, Colin, Adriane’s Matt, Judy, Mikayla & Kelsey, PG, Elle & her family, Greg Brown & his mom Sherri and Greg’s Girlie, Mentor and Brian, Sccip’s girlie Shannon, and Daaaannnnaa. I’m sitting here thinking and trying to make sure I didnt’ forget anyone – trying being the operative word. Those of you who missed out, not MUCH excuse….you had 5 weeks, that’s 20 shows total, the only thing I’ll buy is $$$ – and not everyone gets to use that one. Sorry Charlie.

I’m still jobless, apparently I applied for a job at Judy’s place of work – didn’t know that one. How funny is that? I hate that, so does my wallet and those I still owe money too like SBC and stuff in Burbank, WaMu. oh well – there’s only so much I can do.

MY PHONE IS OUT OF SERVICE, and not because I didnt’ pay for it, the actual phone – not my number. SO, I’ll get a new one soon, but if you need me leave a message, I’ve been calling and checking the messages. I’d give you my dadda’s home line – but I’d rather not receive calls on that one. I’ve been checking almost every hour and been trying to be good about calling people back. If you don’t leave a message, I won’t know you called though – so a lil help here.

I’ve started a fund for “send me to NY for a week” so i can be with kaza. SO if you have change or A dollar bill – hand it over, I have a designated place for it. Tickets are looking like $400+ so we’ll see. She goes back flying out of SLO on 8/16/04 and I’m trying to back with her. Keep your pennies and give ’em to me – k? thanks. love you miss you need you want you.

John in July is coming up fast!!! I look forward to it, it’s the one exciting thing in July I have. I’ve been in love with him for 2 years now and I’m sooooo not sick of him yet. This is going to be WONDIFEROUS.

I know I have more to discuss or say, but it escapes me. So I’ll think about it, and if it comes to me I’ll let ya know. Fair enough?

I have about 106 things on my mind right now. Ranging from how tall my littlest brother is now, and the horrible person I am….YES HORRIBLE. Well only to some. I know I had my heart set on discussing what’s been on my mind or what’s been going on in my life. And quite frankly if I laser it for ya it would like something like this:

Had the talk with mommie about the slut thing – all that came of it was Life IS black and white, *I* live in the grey and that is wrong. End of discussion. We also decided we should work on how we communicate, like WHAT WORDS WE DECIDE TO USE.

I may not perform in Sapphire Moon – for a few reasons.

My body needs attention, needs better food – love the gym though.

No, I still don’t have a job and living off what was left over from the la la land adventure was fun – but soon will be over, and I won’t even have gas money.

I’m trying to figure out a way to go home with kaza to NY on 8/16. Think I need to start a fundraiser though. hahahahaha

Plantboy and I have been talking. Without killing it – we’ve had wonderful honest conversations. The kind you’d call a heart to heart. The kind where you remember why you wanted to be in someone’s life to begin with. It’s always ever so surprising when you hear something totally unexpected. And lately he’s full of them. In a good way, and a bad way – bad meaning, his timing is terrible. He knows it, I know it – doesn’t make it any easier on either one of us. For almost a year he’d been the pseudo boy, the one all the other boys are compared too. The one without claim but even flirting with another boy felt wierd, like I was cheating on him – we never played the boyfriend/girlfriend game….but I still ALWAYS felt like “I’m taken” or “I’m with someone” I went in and out of hating that he’d act like a jerk, and then be nice – these last few conversations have revealed someone else. It’s such a warm feeling, a comfortable feeling – the kind of comfy where sometimes you don’t even need to be talking to someone – just be in the same room, doing your own thing. The kind that always makes you think “what if” and for the longest time I wasn’t allowed to think “what if” and I feel like all of a sudden, I am. Like I’m allowed to think it, but I can’t act on it. The timing’s all wrong.

And then, there’s Michael. WHO’s MICHAEL everyone seems to say. He was in Sapphire Moon you geeks. Michael McKinney, he’s also in Angry Housewives. We’ve been dating for a lil bit. He’s wonderful – it’s sick, it’s great. He’s caring, and loving, and super cute, plays the guitar AMAZINGLY, and he’s fun to be with and be around. He and I can just sit on the couch and talk and laugh or watch movies and it’s fine. Everything was fine, and with the risk of revealing too much – and him maybe not wanting to have everyone know “our” business I made a choice, it was/is my choice to make and doing so receieved “I hope it was worth it, because it just cost you us.” A part of me felt relieved, but a bigger part was disappointed that I had become this person. This person who doesn’t think about consequences. This person capable of causing this sort of drama or mild disaster, this hurt. I don’t want to be the bad guy, but I believe I am.

I gotta say though, not excusing my behavior or anything – but I’m totally confused. Confused about my feelings for Plantboy, and my feelings for Michael. I can’t believe I’m actually voicing this. I’m caught between crying about PB and laughing with Michael. It’s not supposed to be like this. It’s not supposed to be hard like this. I’m not being forced to make a choice between them – it’s not that, it’s somehow MORE than that. Somehow more than just being fought over. I more than adore them both, I love them – separately and for different reasons each. And it kills me everyday to get up and have to deal with it.

This is one of those times where one of you always says “do a pro’s and con’s list” it’s MORE THAN THAT. I can’t just sit and write a list out. The fact of the matter is, I don’t even get a choice anymore. I dont’ know what I get – needless to say I also don’t know what I have.

When someone says “you know me better than anyone else” doesn’t it make you feel special? What if someone flat out said they’d been hiding their feelings but want so badly to make up for lost time. What if someone says they trust you, don’t you feel obligated to keep that trust. Dont’ you WANT to keep that trust. And so…you stay honest with them. You tell them what’s going on – even though it could hurt them, it’s better than lying.

What I really want? So badly to look at one man in particular and say “i’m in love with you” and I can’t.

Either direction, either way – no matter what I say or do as of now. I lose…..I lose so much more than I thought.

Please don’t ask me about this stuff in person, no time will be a good time right now.

I don’t have time to write what’s on my mind. BUT in order to remember, I am making a note to self entry.

1. Sapphire Moon
2. Conversations/the heart to heart
3. newbies versus oldies and or psuedos
4. The thing I call my body
5. Now that it will be July what of the “accomplishements” or lack there of
6. jobs and that stuff called money
7. anyone ELSE want to “be apart of it?”
8. my mom

I think that’s about all that’s going on in my brain right now. Seems like alot – it probably will be once I type it all out. Maybe i’ll turn them into a few so as to not lose your interest. Then again, the sooner I get it out, the sooner I can just let it be. And if you dont’ feel like reading it, quite frankly you don’t have to right? wondiferous.

Seanah made it here safely, and her camera is missing. NO DEALS. It sure as HELL better turn up soon. What kind of a world do we live in where we don’t feel our stuff is safe in our best friends homes? or families homes? Get with the program.

ps. PB – saved the song on my phone, HYESTERICAL laughing. Thank you Beach Boys.

Kaza is at Bryant Park in New York watching a FREE JOHN MAYER CONCERT.

I’ve listened to No Such Thing, Why Georgia, and our phones keep cutting out on eachother. It’s POOOOOOOORRRRRRING rain there, and she’s in a sundress and cute heels.

He’s playing acoustic because all the equipment is wet, and it’s a surprise that even THAT is working, and the mic is working.

New York Bound III: Princess says YES is still in pre-production but writers need to make sure everything happens that is supposed to happen.

There is THUNDER AND LIGHTENING

He’s now playing Clarity…..
He’s now playing Your body is a wonderland
in the middle of this apparently he took his waterbottle and poured it over his head stating something along the lines of “there’s just something i feel i have to do”

and there he says “goodnight” I’m in love, I fall in love ALL over again EVERY TIME I listen to him play, every time I look at a picture, read a magazine article. It’s horrible, it’s wonderful. I want to marry him, and that’s pretty much it

On a different note, someone whom I didn’t expect to hear from today sent me an email – that was wierd. I want to own 50 first dates, plantboy already has it, I’m jealous, and he was like “come over and watch it” forgetting for a hiccup of a second that i am over 200 miles away. So i’m sure purchasing it in the near future is what will actually happen.

ps. plantboy, when i do get to come visit i’m serious about the lasagna – ok? ok. You got me craving some – so just keep that in mind.

I must get going to my show.

Kaza: THANK YOU FOR CALLING ME AND LETTING ME LISTEN AND FIND JOHN AND GIVE HIM MY PICTURE AND SAY “THIS IS YOUR FUTURE WIFE”…………. and I’ll get there as SOON AS I CAN.

Nahnnah: see you in 9 days. oaifhpaowruwqejakdfja lij;ei
B.E.: maybe Harry’s this night
Kevin: hey…..we’re talking right now!!! lol
PB: talk to you later i’m sure
Rookie: thank you yoga downtown on sunday 11-2p

everyone else: hi, see you soon, skarieokie at harry’s tonight, skarieokie this sat night and come see my show, you have 3 weeks left.
thurs night, fri night, sat matinee, sat night shows. ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok?

ok bye