Aiyani Mersai

1. Fearful or wary of being supplanted; apprehensive of losing affection or position.

2. Resentful or bitter in rivalry; envious

Someone told me that I had the ability to make them jealous. It was one of the random moments where I stopped laughing and just sat back and thought about that one. You’d think that in this crazy random world, power WOULD be everything. Money, Power – all that shtuff. And I felt like for a second I was given this so called power, and I would totally RULE!, and then I felt sad. Because I wouldn’t want someone to do that to me. And admitting to something even REMOTELY close to jealousy puts that someone at a very vulnerable state. And that just adds to the effect of the power they just gave away. So I guess I’m saying there are good guys and bad guys when it comes to the jealousy thing. And I dont’ want to be the bad guy – Even if it was just a smidgen of time where, and it wasn’t even a big deal. It could be, and no one wants to feel like that. I know I don’t. And I’m jealous all the time without people knowing, imagine what they’d say or do to me if they DID know. It’s just in our blood to be destructive – but I don’t know why, and I hope I would never use my “power” for evil.

I think we’re due for a toy talk. more to come on that.

Who can guess the song/artist where the subject title of this lj comes from?

Before I forget….the JUNE Birthdays I have:
6/2 Plantboy, Jenny Shaheen, and Kim Atkins
6/4 Greg Sellars
6/5 Terry; Dadda’s wife
6/6 Kevin Devaney (kaza’s brother in law)
6/8 Soulsistah Terri
6/12 My mother
6/17 Big Brother Cory, CeCe Devaney
6/18 My auntie Midori
6/28 BrightEyes!!!, and Denai Vine

Other wonderful days:
6/26 Nahnnah comes to play!!!!!
6/24 – 6/28 Elle from my old work is coming in to town with her family to play!

Random time I’ll be spending:
6/6 – 6/9 In Arcadia training the girl who replaced me…..a month after I left, they have no sales manager and soon the will have no director of sales i bet!!!, so why is she there??? WHATEVER

Husband is mad at me, I believe. Don’t know if I crossed any lines, a part of me doesn’t care. Here’s what happened:
I emailed him that I would send his half of the rent deposit. with the email i said I got the last bills from Burbank and stated the totals and that I needed his half asap because they were still under my name and it affects my already crappy credit. And then I copied his mom on it. (lol) I have to, then he calls me and he’s mad and wondering why I told him so she would know it was coming addressed to her and the money order would be pay to the order of her – as he had requested. He just asked again ….I still just don’t know why you needed to send it to her. I asked him if he was mad and he just told me he didn’t understand. So i said well, I can’t take it back, I dont’ know what to tell you. And he said that was all he called for – I knew it would be – so i said oh! okay i’ll talk to you later – as chipper as possible and hung up. Maybe that was wrong maybe not, but I kind of don’t care.

My mom was able to piss me off again today. I actually don’t want to talk about it. But she’s 3 for 3 now in making me mad or saying the TOTALLY wrong thing.

We open in 2 days, I have about 75% of my costumes. I have to take in a pair of pants and some shoes and we’re still working on what “wendi” (my character) actually wears at work. I always thought she’d be in really comfy clothes, but alas it looks like she sports a suit. The quick changes are made to be more interesting this way. Kaza the character ‘bev’ wears ALL pink….thank you charity.

I had an interesting conversation via America Online Instant Messaging Services last night – well tonight, nay this morning. It’s 2am. It was good, and interesting, and I laughed and I had a couple moments. Plantboy………. still belongs in his own category of people in my life. I think he likes it that way, and I can’t say I want to move him to a different group. I do believe he shall stay put. I learned a couple things I didnt’ know, which only further place him in his own category, and he surprised me too. It was nicer than “interesting”, and I mean that as perfect and wonderful as i can make it.

I do believe I shall call it a night.

I’ve successfully added up all that I *still* owe for bills in Burbank, WaMu (yah, they closed my negative account, but of course I still have to pay them back. I’ve known this)

I owe $1500, and some random change. This will payback WaMu, SBC, 21st Century (old car insurance) and Electricity bill. The gas bill from Burbank has yet to arrive, but that will only be like $50 to split.

Husband and I got our Deposit back, at about HALF what we expected, apparently we left the carpet in “poor” condition. MAN!!!! We scrubbed EVERY LITTLE wanna be stain out of there, but it didn’t matter because we still WALKED ON IT…..creating the illusion of poor condition. Oh well I guess. God’s trying to teach me something here. Haven’t quite figured it out yet – but I’m not one of his favorites so I have to wait my turn. It’s like I don’t have the Fast pass you know, for questioning.

I didn’t get to the gym today – I figured after 7 hours of rehearsal and dancing around to the song I’m supposed to sing while out of breath OVER AND OVER will have to suffice. Tomorrow will be a different story – wait….are they closed? No, I dont’ think so – not sure what their hours ARE, but I’ll find out!!!!

I still need to do my taxes. I KNOW I KNOW, I can’t believe I didnt’ do them either. This is the FIRST year I TOTALLY lagged. AAAANNNNNDDD, I will sooooo totally owe, because for like 5 or 6 months working in La La Land was “contracted work” so I filled out a W-9 form, which means “hello state and federal tax people, this work place is paying me without removing taxes, please look and see how much money I earned and tell me how much I’m supposed to send you to catch up” This will only FURTHER put me in my hole- but I guess a year of mistakes will take the same amount if not longer to make all better. (insert “i hate my life” here.)

Tonight the only power I had, the only weapon to fight against the evil was that it was “my” bar, and they are “my” friends. You know there are some people you are FINE with not seeing after you leave highschool. But if you do, you’re nice. Well…..I used to be nice – now I just roll my eyes and complain. I dont’ need anyone to be fake to me or act like they care by making small conversation – MY FEELINGS WILL NOT BE HURT. In fact I would’ve preferred they didn’t talk to me. Plus I know I looked frumpy. It was such a romy and michele moment. I really need to lose this weight if I’m going to feel confident about myself.

And a boy named Robert wrote his number on a dollar bill because he didn’t have any paper. He was nice….brighteyes: it was the one who’s hat I screwed up, because he messed with my hat – yah him. ANYWAYS: yah he was nice, but if *I* don’t feel attractive, I don’t think anyone else will *find* me attractive. So I just said ok, took it and gave him a small hug and said goodnight. He was drunk – pretty sure he won’t remember meeting me by tomorrow.

No word from mr. kissy till 4am last week, but he said he’d be out of town this weekend and for me to call him after sunday. We’ll see, I’ll call, but I’m not gonna go chasin’ him. huh-uh. no deals on the chasing. He’s super cute and we apparently get along fine – but I dont’ want to be the girl he calls when he wants to do a lil kissy kissy. I mean I still have a life, and SOME dignity left over from the la la land experience.

Today sister and I played in SLOville all day, then came home and dadda had BBQ’d for us kids. WAAAAAYYYY alot of food left over, but he said he wouldn’t be cooking for a couple days. Hi, there was chicken, tri tip, and pork, and “the rice” and salad, and really yummy veggies and mint n chip ice cream. Pretty much it was SO LONG to the “good eating habbits” for the day. oh well. I’m giving myself ONE day off a week to play. I’m going to try to get to the gym sunday-Fridays and eat REALLY REALLY good. I know I can do it, but encouragement is always good – so….you know….help with that.

I made my first “john trade” this week. John allows people to tape his concerts and we, the fans, trade them. I have only a few concerts. 5 of the 6 I’ve been to. And looking at some of the songs I don’t have it would just be better for me to get ahold of the shows than try to download them. SO I post a request for certain shows I’m looking for. And this one girl said she had one of them, and I looked at the rest of her list – and found 3 other shows I wanted. INCLUDING THE STAR LOUNGE PERFORMANCE DECEMBER 9, 2003 WHEN I HAD TO BE CALLER 98….AND I NEVER WON!!!!!!! So I will have it FOREVER and EVER. WAAAAAAYYYYY excited. I’m also getting one of his early acoustic performances when he was alone and in Georgia. It’s from 1999. I have a couple songs from that session I got from kazaa.com, but HELLO I will have the whole thing now. yay! And in return I’m sending her 3 of the shows I have. JOYOUS SOUNDS!!!!!!!

And I entirely forgot birthdays for May, and I’m sorry. The follow:
5/1 James Cheney
5/5 Husband
5/13 Ryan Carr
5/14 Adam (from the band I brought home)
5/15 My dadda!
5/16 Leah Anderson
5/21 J.P…..wasn’t that some guy who never called me back? Yah, he’s in burbank – i hate my life.
5/24 My cousins: Cara & Leah (yes they are twins, graduating H.S. this year!)
5/29 Sweet-V (Victor Lowrie)
5/30 Jayme

Have a happy and safe memorial day everyone and i’ll be seeing your around and about.

No, the subject title has nothing to do with the body of this journal. Rehearsal to…..day..at 10am. Must sleep. Thank you 1:38am

I woke up at 6:22am yesterday, left by 7am and was on my way to La La Land by 7:30am with a Venti Mint Mocha with an extra shot. I had an audition for Verizon Wireless (enter EVERYONE saying “can you hear me now?…good”) I was there by 10:40, the audition lasted about 10 minutes max then I went to the Post Office to get a money order for my car payment and send it off before they take my car away, and I had a quick lunch with SweetPea….some of you will call him Tristain Nathaniel. Then I was on my way home by about 1pm. Rolled in by about 4p and ran around the 5 cities looking for a headband for my wig for Angry Housewives.

ONE headband….couldn’t find one. The apparently come in packs of 3-5 raning from 3-8 dollars. I JUST NEED ONE. Dollar Tree, Good will, Rite Aid, Marshalls, then Wally World (Wal Mart) had ONE…..96 cents. PERFECT. Get home to eat some stew my dadda made, and off to rehearsal.

We didn’t start till about 7/7:30pm and we ran the whole show. Sat and were getting notes and after I said I needed to talk to Jason about MY costumes. So he sits with me….it’s about 11:30 now…(LONG DAY, something I’m not used to) and then Sccip comes up and starts asking Jason about costumes….then Natalie…then Rory. Pretty soon, I’m listening to Rory go SCENE BY SCENE asking questions about his costumes. FOLKS, I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS GIRL THAT I PLAY……RORY????? YOU’RE CHARACTER IS A “PERFECT” MAN AND ALWAYS WEARS SUITS …GOOOO!!!! So frustrated, having only been told to bring in my 3 tennis shoes that I have and that “Wendi” wears bright colors. I leave. I’m sitting in the middle of the costume conversation I Throw my crap in my purse and say Smurf we’re leaving. ok, *I* had questions, It was soooooooooo rude for people to TOTALLY interrupt me MID….SENTENCE. TOTALLY OVER IT. And hi, this play supposedly takes place in late 70’s early 80’s….I don’t have any 80’s clothes, or ideas about clothes, or MONEY to go to good will or whatever to BUY clothes. I wear size….BIG. I don’t know! I remember leg warmers and shoulderpads and big sweaters that hung off the shoulders. don’t have any of those, dont’ have the means to get them, or make them with what few clothes I have.

Hi, and STOP PLAYING ON THE DRUMS I find myself wanting to say. They are not mine they are my brothers which makes me VERY protective……they are BORROWED. Think of them as a PROP and don’t Friggin’ touch ’em. I don’t care if you ARE better than me, or you want to show me something, or you’re bored. I DON’T CARE – DON’T TOUCH THEM.

Hi, BOYS!!!! DO NOT JUST WALK INTO THE GIRLS DRESSING ROOM….WE…..ARE…….DREESSSSSIIIINNNNNNGGGG – Walking to the back of the girls dressing room could cause me to break your legs and blind you. Yes….I’m angry.

Hi, DO NOT ENTER FOR YOUR SCENE FROM THE HOUSE (where the audience sits) You won’t be there during the show, I ALSO will NOT come and get you for a scene we are in together, it is YOUR responsibility to pay attention and get your own ass in gear.

Hi, I WILL NOT BE MOVING the sets by my self. Even if it’s not your scene up NEXT…..if you just finished a scene – get rid of it. I have to change my costume too. We have to do what’s called “WORKING TOGETHER”

Hi, don’t start improving more than you use to; upstaging is STUPID

(big breath) ok. I think I’m done with that now. I need to eat, I’m STARVING, I need to finish my laundry. I need more sleep, I’m EXHAUSTED. I’m wearing myself out running all over the god forsaken town, back and forth to SLOville like 2 or 3 times a day. I’m low on money now…my last 2 checks lasted me 3 weeks, mostly gas money. All though! the job situation is looking brighter, sister said she’s going to stop working at Esteem and she knows I’ll be good at it. And I know the people there anyways, casual, part time. Sounds perfect. SO, at least things for THAT are looking up. So off I go now.

ps. Today the leprechaun (old boss in arcadia) is getting re-evaluated by corporate. LOL. Elle left for a better job, and she wouldn’t had been looking if it wasn’t for HER, and Twin will leave soon if they don’t pay her more, and the new girl that took over for me…is lost – I have to go train her…not next week, the week after. Not sure why, if there’s no sales team there’s not sales department. hahahahaha, I can’t help but laugh wickedly.

No one mourns the wicked.

What Is Your Animal Personality?
brought to you by Quizilla

Guess it’s better than being a “dog in this scenario”

ps. kudo’s to those who know what movie the subject title is from, and the dog part is a dead give away, so no points for that one will be rewarded.

Riiiiiinnnnnggggggggg at 8:30am my mother called for Smurf. I’ve been awake since then. She got here at 10amish, to pick him up. I wandered out to the living room with a sleepy face, my interpretation of the conversation follows:

Mommie: good morning
Aiyani: hi, i’m tired
Mom:why?
Aiy: I didnt’ get home til 4a, and the phone rang at 8:30am
Mom: ope, that was probably me, why not home til 4a
Aiy: I was out
M: Out?…til 4am
A: Yah, Ma, I was making out with a cute boy
M: what? …i don’t believe that
A: um….ok…(confused as to what was so unbelieveable)
M: I think I know you better than that
A: um….ok….(still confused)
M: Are you in a committed relationship with this boy?
A: Nope, just met him a few days ago
M: Well I’m SURE you would make a better decision than THAT
A: Than what…..mother.
M: I think I know my daughter, and i dont’ think she would just go around making out with boys til all hours of the night

(lets keep in mind, I have no secrets I keep from my mother, she knows everything I do, and have done)

A: Well, then I don’t know what to tell you except you’re in denial (starts to laugh)and your daughter is not your kind of perfect
M: Oh. COME ON AIYANI, you really expect me to belive my daughter makes THAT BAD of decsions…
A: bad decsions?
M: I don’t think my daughter is a Slut.
A: WOAH! I didnt’ say I was out having sex with this random guy and 5 other guys, I said I was kissing ONE boy -alot!!
M: Are you trying to hurt me with this??
A: MOTHER! Why are you making this about You????? This has nothing to do with you! You asked…why are you tired, I tell you and now I’m a slut
M: I didn’t say that
A: yah ok
M: I said I think my daughter makes better decisions—-
A: (shuts door on mothers face)

the choice phrase? “bye”

I mean I tell her straight out – as I often do, she doesn’t believe me and now I’m a “slut” oh the joys of being an imperfect daughter. hhmmmm…..

Brighteyes: this is the boy I told you about at the dunes on saturday….another J and another surfer – guess I just like ’em that way. But this one??? WAAAAAYYYY less drama. We’ll see what happens.

and Yes, he was a VERY good kisser. lol, Infact, pretty sure he’s taken the title away from someone else.

Have a great day.

Off to the gym.