Aiyani Mersai

It’s happening very soon. And on thursday May 6, 2004 I’m loading up the Uhaul and moving my shtuff to a storge unit in Nipomo, and I’ll be staying in Grover Beach. I know during the week and almost every night I WISH I had internet access to download my thoughts and ANGER towards husband for being such a CHILD. But by the time I get to a computer, I don’t feel like writing it all out, or I just let it go. So, I guess just know it’s been a real pain in the ass babysitting him for a year, and it drug me down enough to where I have to move back and regroup. And though I know it’s all for the best in the long run, and all my family and friends are looking forward to playing and hanging out – I still feel like a loser. I still feel like a failure and a whimp. But I try to weigh out the difference between here and there. And though I could very easily go into a list right now – again, I just don’t feel like it. It’s like I lost myself down there, and even though moving back should assist in “finding” me again – It just feels like a waste. The only positive memories or moments I have from La La Land are my friend Bobby (who is SOOOO cool you guys and he said he’ll come and visit and play at skarieokie, and you guys will ALL LOVE HIM), my agent (though I know they don’t like that I’m moving away), the film I was in, the experience of auditioning for shtuff and shtuff and more shtuff, and well – and Panda Express. I’ll miss Elle and Twin from work but DEFinately not the leprechaun. I was closer to Mentor but still didn’t get to see him as often. I mean, there are more negative parts to the “experience” then there are positive, and I still feel like a loser.

I gained 30 friggin’ pounds while being down there – I know you all tell me I’m on crack or you can’t tell. but *I* can. And that’s what’s hard. I already thought I was big and now, I’m BIGGER. I feel ugly, fat, and completely lost in any sort of talented way. I don’t want to be in hotels all my life, I don’t want mope around SLOville anymore than I was moping around in Blur-Bank. It’s just all hard for me, and I hate it. It’s like I “really” am only “talented” in SLOville. And I’m not saying that’s not great, but if that’s where it stops? This is a small town – and we all know the “Farmers” out there are jerks and run us down. Rum me down. And I lose energy and self esteem.

I need a way out of my so called mysery. A way to clear my thoughts and a way to begin feeling better about who I am.

I DO have soooo much fun with all my friends, and I look forward to seeing my family ALL the time. Smurf is in ANGRY HOUSEWIVES at SLO Little Theatre, and Riki is the STAR of EVERY SINGLE SPORT he’s in. I’m so thankful I get to be apart of that – I AM.

Boys don’t like me, and the ones that do I don’t, or whatever – you know how that wheel turns? But I wouldn’t very well give the “cute boy” who would ever talk to me more than 5 minutes since I don’t like myself, why should he like me? right?

Oh the drama, I’m sorry I rambled on and on in this one. If you got this far you’re a trooper.

For Kaza: Theres gotta be something better than this, theres gotta be something better to do, and when I find me something better to do – I’m gonna get up I’m gonna get out, I’m gonna get up, get out and do it!

right? That’s what I’m supposed to say at least.

ALSO, I’ll be out of the internet loop for a bit, hopping into my mommies house once in a while but I’m gonna try to figure out if I can get my computer up and running at my Daddas. We’ll see. So if ya email me stuff – and I don’t respond, that’s why. And if you’re online, and I’m not – that’s why.

Transission in life is like the one in your car, so don’t blow it.

If you don’t get the subject title, ask me.

My brain is going really fast, but then again – lack of sleep disables me from making any sense. So instead of writing it all out with emotion and quotes, I’ll bullet point it for you.

* Sapphire Moon ended beautifully, and wondiferously
* Yay for singing with Kevin on Saturday
* I was dressed like a boy and all the girlies looked to the 9’s, it sucked. But I didn’t get the memo.
* Drunk Saturday and didn’t go to sleep til 6:30am
* Husband is a terrible drunk and his ass fell over SEVERAL times during the night.
* I told Rookie I wanted to DO him like 14 times, so I couldn’t look at him much more during the night – I’d just start laughing in embarrasment…but HELLO. COWBOY ROCKED! YUM
* David Running sat on me outside by the jacuzzi NAKED (no HE was naked, not me – I was drunk)
* I’ll be in town sometime this weekend, may or may not be intime for skarieokie – but i’ll try
* I move all my crap on Thursday 5/6/04, Smurf and Step-Brandon will assist, and I’ll be living at my daddas house
* 3 more days here, and they haven’t hired anyone yet, so they asked if i’d come back a few days next week or the week after to help. I wanted to say bad words to them, but I said maybe, if I have time.
* Elle at work made me lasagna and cake for going away present – REALLY GOOD

Brighteyes – let us further discuss the plan we must implement to lose weight!

Rookie – um….yah. hi. lol

Ro – Thanks for playing all the time

to all – It will be good for me to surround myself with people I love and who love me back. Thank you for all your support this last year and change, I’m looking forward to coming home and playing all the time with my friends.

AND. Auditions for Chameleon productions “Sweeney Todd” are This Sunday & Monday at the Clark Center at 7pm. 16 years and older, they need about 25 people……come and play, I think I might even audition, it’ll give me something to do when I move back besides hate looking for a job.

The drive wasn’t too bad. Sweetpea and I made great time and arrived at my mommies house intime for me to shower and get pretty. I sported a fabu blue and white dress my social advisor, Shawn Jacques, gave to me a while ago. Then we drove to Sunset Dunes to meet up with BrightEyes, and PG and Jax. I walked in Hello kevin…hello Vicki – hugs all around. Talked for like 3 minutes. Then Vicki said “princess! someone wants to say happy birthday” and I looked over and there was Lloyd. A regular at the Dunes. “hi lloydyyyy” and I flicked my foot and tilted my head back, then Kaza turned around and said “HAPPY BIRTHDAY” ………DID YOU READ THAT RIGHT???!!! KAZA TURNED AROUND. KAZA. MAHROOMAH. THE WIFE. THE ONE IN NEW YORK was sitting at the end of the bar in a beautiful black dress, hair up, and I didn’t even look twice when I had walked in. Needless to say the most ENORMOUS scream escaped my mouth, and the building almost fell. She ran over to me and I lifted her off the ground and began to cry. HOW WONDERFUL IS SHE???!!! She flew out for my birthday to surprise me. I’ve never been surprised before, by anything!!! NO SERIOUSLY. It was “wondiferous” (as Rookie said earlier today in a talk about cheese…[kaza laughs right here and says “hahahah pigs and cheese are funny”]) and the BEST presesnt EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We went to the Fashion Show, ps OMG IT’S TO DIE FOR YUMMY.

The Studio theatre at the Clark Center I’ve been in many times before to watch Smurf and all his plays. The Sapphire Moon set was fun to see. The poles were WAY COOL, and a few times when watching people use them you wondered “who wants to be the pole?!!” hahahahahaha. Using the catwalk (I think is what it’s called) for additional dance space really gave you a sense of intamacy and space at the same time. Dancers were in the front of you and 3 levels higher aswell. Though the best seats look like either the front row or the back row, the middle had it’s justice. I’ll be going again this saturday. I’m gonna try to get there EARLY to get a GOOD seat. Husband will be attending, this will be interesting. Then of course to skarieokie I go! Hi, and then ……..Rookie came out and sang COWBOY and the boys all did their dance and I’m in a car, and we’re driving and we are yummy..thing….but when the lights came up and there they were, and Rookie in the Cowboy hat a pair of jeans, no shirt and a floor length brown and white Cow print jacket, actually I think it was real cowhid or something – BUT the first words that escaped my mouth were “yes please” It was one of those moments where you want the yummy boys to be on a menu, and you just look and say “yes, I’ll have one of those now, and 2 of those to go please, thank you” (Yah and later when they did it again at Sunset Dunes, in my “wondiferous” drunkeness I believe I licked all their faces – go figure). It was a side of Rookie NONE of us had seen, but ALL of us wouldn’t mind seeing again. hahahhaha. SMACK was Ummmmmmm, Freagin’ HOT. How much did we want to be in that Kaza and BE??? HOW MUCH! And Jen Law, lets just say, I’m speechless. There are no words of what she gives in a performance. She’ll give her emotion with every move and you BELIEVE EVERYTHING she shows you. If she’s sad, you believe it, if she’s pissed, you believe it. I want to be like her when I grow up. And Josh…..is pretty, that’s all “when it’s quiet…sshhhh shhh” just pretty.

Then there was Sunset Dunes. The drunkfest began promptly after I arrived. A princess drink straightup with a cherry, and 2 HUGE Tokyo Tea’s, and about 3 or 4 shots later, I WAS HAMMERED, tossed, gone, smashed, liquored, and drunk. But lucky for me I was not puking, tossing my cookies, spewing, upchucking throwing up or ralphing. Lucky for me PG bought me a hot dog earlier in the night so as to assist in the “let her drink but not get sick” thing we had going. I’m sure I took off my shoes and put them back on all through the night and made everyone kiss my cheek, I think I kissed Delilah too, but I’m not sure – maybe I wanted too hahahahaha. Yah, all the boys are going crazy now. We finally were kicked out by 2am ish, kaza drove sweet pea, BE and me back to BE’s house (and rookie’s house) and we stayed up drinking water and eatcing crackers and cheese (good idea Rookie!) then I think I changed my clothes and washed my face and brushed my teeth and then borrowed a pair of socks from Rookie. Of course I didn’t realize that til the next day. So yah, about 5 hours of sleep later…

A hungover aiyani ate a piece of bread and downed some ibuprofen. Then by 11am she and sweetpea went in and woke up BrightEyes…..because if I had to be awake….so did she!!!! Then we asked if we could wake up Rookie too. SO WE DID! Poor guy. I just walked right in and threw my huge body over his and said “good morning” he laughed (a little) and said what time is it? ahahahaah, I think I stayed there for a bit and actually fell back asleep. Eventually we all made it out to the kitchen for Tea and coffee and muffins. Then it was off to Gramma Barbs for Birthday Brunch.

HOLY CAKE Batman, and I only took 1/2 of it to my mommies house and left the rest at rookie and BE’s house. Then I decided…..Kaza’s still in town, I WANNA STAY!!! Of course it took Brighteyes and Rookie and Sweetpea NO convincing…hahahah I called my boss at home and left her a message. “hi, my friend flew out from new york to surprise me for my birthday, so I’m not going to be at work tomorrow, call me if you need me”

Soaked in the hot tub for a bit, went and visited mommie for a bit, then went to the Barn and played Scene it and Balderdash. yes……The Barn….family still lives there so kaza and I are ALWAYS welcome!! ahaha

by 2am i think we left, tired. But it WAS SOOOOOOOOO FUN

And I made it to work by Tuesday and everything was great.

Thank you to all participants in the “Surprise Aiyani” weekend, thank you for the fun, the drinks, and the kisses. It will be nice to be home soon

Hi and the other day I saw a pair of thigh high black vinyl boots IN MY SIZE, and almost cried cause I couldnt’ get them. I’m too big right now anyways. But at least I know they exist.

I still go back and forth with wanting to needing to and having to move back to SLOville, well AG at least. There’s no room really at mommies place right now. No place for my clothes – of course everything ELSE will go in storage, but clothes….I’ll need. Spoke with my dadda, I may live there for a bit. I guess I just feel like not only am I having to rewind for reasons in and out of my control, but now I won’t have things around me…that make me ..ME. All my pictures, furniture, everything will be put away for awhile. SO, I decided where ever I go I need certain things with me. Things that will represent who I am. So far I have an old ashtray (not for smoking!!!) that has the Moulin Rouge on it, My John Mayer purse, a FAB picture of me and mahroomah in our matching white pj’s eating dessert (we had rehearsal on a SATURDAY so we had arrived in our jammies complete with pillows. And of course the frame it’s in says “perfect” (kaza – i love us. But i AM putting all the tiara’s in a box – I know I know, but I’m thinking space and what I NEED to get me through even 1 day, not what I WANT to get me through. I don’t really have any full family pictures that are current, so I won’t have that – but I always have a pic of my siblings around me so it’s just a matter of deciding which one to keep out.

I guess change is ok, I’m accepting it, I know it’s for the better for the long run. And I may not like it now, but I didn’t like any of 2003 so a few more months won’t kill me.

Moving dates have been altered though. I will more than likely been in town in SLOville 5/1 and leave 5/3. But I’ll be looking for a storage place and talking with mommie and randy, dadda n terry about living situations. THEN coming back to Burbank and renting a moving truck for 5/6. Husbands birthday is 5/5, I know he’ll want me around. He’s going to be going back to Utah. He’s ok with it, and looking forward to it actually. And that’s good for him AND me. SO The aim for a move date has moved, and if it can’t happen on the 6th, maybe that weekend will suffice. I did give notice, we are to be out by the 12th. Then they will look at it to see what needs to be cleand bla bla bla and hopefully I’ll get most of the deposit back.

I think other mini problems I’m running into are there are people in SLOville that I HATE. And I don’t hate people, and I HATE someone. Its amazing what kind of powers someone you hate can still have over you. It makes my stomach turn to even see or hear some people.

But besides that, I think maybe how I view myself, what’s that called…..my self image is totally shot by now. I’ve gained 30 pounds in one year, hopefully I can lose it more quickly though. THAT will be a work in process. I need to find a good gym to join whence I’ve returned. Suggestions are appreciated and encouraged. And I know I’ve ALWAYS been like “are you saying i’m fat” yah yah yah, I think subconciously though – I feel I need to say it first so if someone else says it, it won’t hurt me because I beat them to the punch. Just work with me on this one k and be patient with me. Don’t tell me I’m hot, because I’m not – don’t say (kaza this is for you) you’re so disgustingly beautiful, because I’m not. But be my friends still ok? ok.

I’m pretty sure my lack of self esteem is linked to the small depression of not having a boy, but then again I’m pretty sure the moment one says he’s interested I’ll run – because he shouldn’t be interested in me. It’s that whole love yourself before anyone else can love you. Again – work in progress

I still love John though! – and I WILL look good by the time I meet him.

hhmm….I suppose thats it. I can’t wait to see Saphire Moon tomorrow.

This is behind schedule, and I apologize if I missed someone, but let me know so I can write it down!

April Birthdays:
Chip (Eric Sorenson): 4/1
Rob Calhoun: 4/4
Skip Kelly (Star 98.7): 4/7
Jason Champeau: 4/10
Cate Norton (ES SLO): 4/15
Jenna Franz (ES SLO): 4/16
ME!: 4/17
Marina Furuta: 4/25
David Brewer: 4/27

The Entry:

By 10pm last night the apartment in which I currently reside had a familiar smell. And only one other time had this happened….My apartment smelled like the barn. I made Kaza’s Chicken Enchiladas for Easter Dinner (hahahah) for Me, Husband, and Bobby (from Ohio). It made me miss Kaza……of course what’s new, but you know how smells remind of you different people and different times in your life. And now moving back though it’s becoming easier (and husband is fine now, everything will be fine for him to move too)I guess what’s hard is I’ll have my family, my friends, but no Kaza.

So Kaza……..I miss you terribly everyday. I think of you practically every moment. And not a minute goes by where I don’t want to call you or text you with one of our “isms.” I’m so proud of you for trying so hard and diligently in New York, and perhaps maybe I am jealous too. Jealous of Wendy for getting to live with you, Nahnnah for getting to go play with you, and jealous I don’t get to go see all these shows with you. Perhaps a part of me will just continue to be heavy. Heavy in a sense that there is no tension between us, there are miles. There is no reason I can’t just call you, except I need to consider the time where you are. And there is no reason to get Coffee Heath bar ice cream if you’re not around to eat it with me. Just know that. It’s not a sad feeling, or bad, or anger or anything negative – it’s just like a part of my heart I don’t have, you are a big part of who I am, and where I am, like a handprint on my heart…..Because I know you, I have been changed for good.

Sorry if you’re crying now.

To Brief You:
And, now…..um……Bobby, Husband, and Jack 2004 and I went to Universal Studios on Sunday. WAY fun!!!!!!!!!!!! Saw Cold Creek Manor – dumb and NOT scary, all the good stuff was in the previews. Husband FORCED me to see Texas Chainsaw Masacre. …..STUPID. And I’m sorry if I ruin it for anyone, but I mean it lost it’s sense of reality when the guy didn’t have a face, like….no nose, just bone. come on! how was he breathing? So that was that. I’d give you my review, but time today does not allow me to do so.

I’m getting better with the comedy workshop, I think I finally understand what he’s saying and what he asks and stuff – so it’s more fun now. Learning ALOT from the commercial workshop and got to use some of the “tools” we talk about and work on, on a commercial audition on friday – so that was fun too.

Starting to look forward to coming home or a bit, but you know – I’ll go back and forth about it, just let me – it’s part of the process.

Must get to work. It’s already 1:30 ish and I’ve missed half my day training our New SMERF Manager…..that’s funny should the Director of SALES be doing that? hahahahah – yah and doing computer tech support for everyone today too. But WHATEVER. The new countdown, are days until I get to leave this place!!!!

Last day is 4/30/04, 14 (work)days.

Ok, I need BOXES STAT. I’ll be up in SLOville the weekend of the 17th and maybe the following weekend. It’s hard finding boxes around here that aren’t mangled or gross with trash embeded into them. BUT I”M LOOKING.

So if you come across any, keep ’em for me and I’ll come find you and take them to Blur bank with me. Thanks.

Moving Buddies wanted:
This is the thought too…..Daaaaannnnaaa has a friend with a moving truck that may or may not be available the weekend i need it. SO plan

A) Dana’s friend lets me borrow but I need someone to get it down here and maybe bring my brother with to help load stuff up too. Then drive it back so I can drive my car back too.

B) I drive down to pick up people sat 5/1/04 and back to burbank sat 5/1/04, rent a truck for 1 way and have either myself or one of the “able bodies with drivers license” drive the truck back and my car

C) i rent a truck for sunday for 1 way, someone come in their car with ANOTHER drivers license holder so we can all 3 of us get back.

does that make sense? any ideas? I know some of you have trucks…roger rabbit….BUT I have enough STUFF to furnish a 1 bedroom apartment. It’s not just boxes, i got dressers and shelves, and a futon, and a bed and SHOES and CLOTHES and boxes! and LORD, I can’t believe I’m doing this again.

All my stuff’s gonna be in storage for a while so I’ll try to get everything packed good and bla bla bla

ok, so what “else” do I want for my birthday says some emails

Movies on DVD in Widescreen:
Down with Love
View from the Top
The Jerk

I love picture FRAMES!!!! I’m always with my camera, um….film?! Fuji 400 speed is what I normally use.

princess stuff

some good music, not that loud screechy kind

Hell, just buy me a drink allright? I mean most of my stuff is going into storage for a while right?

fleh-ne-fleh
now i have orange juice on me