Aiyani Mersai

The Hudson River was the same color as the sky at 5:30am when Ro and I were in the yellow cab on the way home. The driver didn’t know the exit to take, so it’s a good thing Ro did.

The bar was Four Faced Liar in the West Village. I had 3 tall well-with-whiskey 7&7’s. The fourth one was offered to me by the bartender. But I knew if I drank it I would moments later be stumbling over and throwing it up.

The movie was great.

What?

The current song playing is “Possibility” by Lykke Li, it’s just how I feel.

We saw Iron Man 2 tonight. Matt, Ro and I, with her friend Andrew. He works with me. I guess eventually he will also be my friend, but for now, her friend Andrew came alone. The movie was great, I think. I actually enjoyed it enough to see it again at the theatre should the opportunity arise and the money be present as well. I enjoy Robert Downey Jr. Thoroughly. The end.

But the Hudson River.

The river was calm with the lights beyond it still gently lit as the sky began to take it’s blue face.

The cab ride was the first time Ro and I had been alone for, well years. The last couple times she came out to CA we went out, to hang out. There were people, and drinks, and karaoke. And although the cab ride was the finale to our evening, it was just ours. Earlier I tried to explain my tears.

What?

I said, earlier – I tried to explain my tears. I’ve been crying for the past 4 days. I’m not actually home sick – YET. But there are of course things that I’m used to, that I am not without. Such as. . . waking up next to K. I don’t know how to explain to him how I feel. Being vulnerable puts me in a position to feel to much and ultimately, be hurt by whatever he has to say. He is honest, excellent. Sensitive? Not really. Straight though, to the core. He’s definitely a straight man. Not a typical man. Hopefully, he is still “my” man. I miss him. I don’t know how to tell him that without getting a response like “well…you ARE in NY” and I equally don’t know how to take some of the things he says. . . “No, I won’t be able to come out to see you this summer because of work” and… “the rest of the year is pretty booked with work” so, I guess…I lose. I miss out on seeing someone I care about – for the minimum of the rest of this year, and quite possibly longer. And why? because I chose school, my future and moving forward.

The River, it was quiet, at least – it looked so quiet. And I could imagine the chill inside of it, because I’d lose site of the river while staring at it and have flashbacks of laying next to him and all of a sudden feeling frozen. And without effort, he’d wrap his wonderful arms around me and trap my legs in his to warm me up. He’d kiss my temple and ask me if that helped. I remember stuttering and shivering. I remember his warmth and slow deep breath sleepy breath in my ear and moments later feeling warm enough to roll just far enough away to hold his hand and still hold his warmth on me.

The drinks at Four Faced Liar are strong. Oh, good. I needed it. I hadn’t gone to sleep until 3am, hadn’t woken up until 12:30pm, listened to a song on repeat for 6 hours, cried myself to sleep curled up in my robe and holding my panda the girls from Club gave me and I had had one bowl of cereal. My eyes hurt. They sting. They want me to stop crying, but I just can’t. It’s more than just one thing. . .

I’m PMSing
I’m one week in, I’m one week here
I’m FINALLY getting rid of this cold
I’m learning to be a server at a restaurant
I’m learning to be a server at a restaurant in New York
I’m learning to be a server at a restaurant, in Harlem, Privately owned, In New York
I’m scared he’ll find someone as “wonderful” as me, that lives in the same zip code
I can hear his voice when it’s quiet
I can hear baby sam’s laughter right before I fall into deep sleep
I’m missing 3 weddings (thus far) this year. Boyfriend Jenns, Amanda, and Cincinnati
I’m missing one box from UPS, holding my TVD’s
I’m soaking my contacts to try to make them last longer, even though i’m supposed to replace them once a month
I’m looking out through the new Target purchased Curtain flowing with the soft wind outside my broken window. The glass is not broken, the frame is lose.
I’m missing my sister and my brothers
I’m missing my dadda and knowing he’s less than 10 miles away
I miss my maamm.
I’m a server at a restaurant. . . not an Esthetician, not an actor – not yet.

But the River. The Hudson River at Dawn seems quiet. It seemed almost motionless while the yellow cab flew by. it seemed quiet enough to comfort me into sleep mode even though the sun was rising, somewhere over all the buildings. The GW Bridge hovers over the Hudson connecting us to New Jersey and the buildings beyond the water were still lit with night lights and for a brief moment I couldn’t hear what Ro was saying. She’s been so helpful. She has a place for me to live, a job for me, bought me food and drinks, took me shopping for clothes for work and in the cab ride home, semi-drunk I looked out onto the Hudson in May and reminded myself I was not on vacation. I live here. I chose this.

Oh, yes, Iron Man 2. Great movie – go see it. I’d see it again. Robert Downey Jr. Fabulous. And to my surprise, Scarlett Johannsen (sp, I don’t care) is pretty great. The IMAX on 34th street is where we saw it, and the Empire State Building was lit at the top a green color. No idea why, but I took a picture of it.

We took the train to the movie theatre, the train to the bar, and a cab home.

It’s after 6 am here in New York.

I’ve been here one week, but I have no idea how I am doing.

I know that I miss you. I know that I think of you. I know that I talk to you, out loud, to myself, because you’re not actually there. I know that I have two windows in my room with a view of the GW Bridge, the bridge that runs over the River.

And this is my first dawn in New York.

There are many firsts in New York, all of which will be mine. But today, today was the first dawn. The first time I stayed awake long enough to see the light begin to wake up the part of New York that went to sleep. The dawn that brought the next day, brought me home and is putting me to sleep. To sleep to hopefully dream better, and perhaps bigger. To cry a bit less, or a bit lighter. To laugh a bit more and maybe a bit louder. Maybe after I sleep and wake up again, the river will be different.

Maybe I’ll long for a “wake” in the calm, constant ebb of the river at dawn. And, not just the Rivers dawn, but mine.

UGH…Remind me to tell you about this weekend. But right now, it’s 2am, and I’m tired. I still haven’t adjusted to the time difference, but the odd hours I sleep and go to the restaurant are also not helping I’ll get there, BUT…remind me to tell you about the ridiculousness.

In other news, nicer news, my lovey looked up close Indian restaurants for me for when I have a curry-craving, he’s so thoughtful.

Also, I got a voicemail from Kitten today. I actually love voicemails because I get to hear your voice. AND, most people don’t leave typical or normal messages. Lots of the messages I get, or at least used to get came across almost like a brief story telling session or an actual conversation that…while listening TO the message I could actually carry on a conversation as if you were there. hahahah oh yay. at any rate, Kitten called me, and I saved it hehehehe Now I can hear her voice WHENEVER WANT.

My feet HURT

I got to have chocolate mousse today, yum

The guy I wanted to by a bed frame, mattress and bedding from didn’t return my email, boo – so it’s probably gone now, back to the drawing board. I’d like to get a bed and a dresser and a couple wall shelves in here.

UPS has not delivered a box that should’ve been here thursday with the rest of them, so if I don’t get anything tomorrow, they’ll be hearing from me – and trust me, they don’t want to hear from me. I’d like my box, the contents of the box I like and do not want to have to replace.

I got to talk to my Maaaammmm today, well I should say ‘she got’ to listen to me yap about my learning my job and shtuff. although I don’t know if that was so great for her; listening to me yap, but I appreciated her letting me.

Did I mention my feet HURT??

K has encouraged me to find foot stuff for-which-to-make my feet not hurt so much, and to baby them and care for them a bit more. It is very sweet and cute how much he wants to look out for me, even though he is far away. Such a good guy.

And my shins hurt a bit too.

I have taken the train, the bus, a yellow cab and a gypsy cab this week at various times to various places. And after this very long weekend, this very long and difficult weekend, Ro and I were in a cab coming home from work and Miss Keyes came on the radio singing my current anthem Empire State of Mind Part II. It made me feel like it was going to be okay.

The 2 advil I took (one for each foot…) has finally kicked in. I. Am. Sleep.

Day 3 of this cold. Boo. But I took 2 doses (totally 4 tbsp) of Nyquil last night and finally could breath a bit and sleep. I took one does around 9:30pm, and another at midnight. I felt hungover when I woke up this morning and was texting Antoan, who was already at work by this point, and I believe I fell back asleep in the middle of a text, woops.

Yesterday Antoan and I went “downtown” and walked around a bit, I saw where he works, I saw Madisson Square Garden, that building is HUGE and all of a sudden we were walking around in Chelsea. I’m starting to get a better understanding of where things are and a small understanding of how to get there. Both Ro and Antoan are being very patient and explain the same thing to me over and over if they have to. Read the signs, remember what direction your going in and I’ll probably get a little map of the trains as soon as possible, something to memorize before school starts.

Speaking of looks like I can take a bus there the whole way. An hour ride though, but at the same time I’ll have a book to read with me perhaps and I won’t have to drive in the craziness of this place.

These. People. Drive. Crazy. Horns are always honking at people or other cars that are not driving fast enough, or they’re honking at the cars trying to not hit the people that are ALSO crazy for walking across the street when it is MORE than clear it’s not their turn. I’ve come to already understand that if you need to cross the street, even if it’s not your turn, and there isn’t a car close to hit you – you need to cross the street. Who knows when you’ll get another chance. hahahaha. I purchased a Metro Card for the subway, and I guess it works for the bus system too, I’ll have to double check, but I have my own and that makes me cool.

Then Antoan took me to Central Park, the south end. Of course that park is GINORMOUS and we walked around for about an hour. I took pictures of different bridges and just looked at the beautiful green landscape. And of course, I people watched a bit. We got ice cream and water from a little vendor and walked around. There is true magic in that park, and I’m thankful to get to be close enough to visit it whenever I want. I want to find a special pretty place that I can take a picture in of me during each season, I think that would be fun. We saw people on carriage rides and Antoan said we would have to do that. We laughed because we are going to do stuff that couples do, but he’s my best frienchy (that is correct) and we do everything we can together.

Of course, if my lovey was here I would want to do everything with him, as well. hahahah They are my two favorite men! Family not included, and I want to experience everything I can hear. So I do my best to tell K what I’m doing, how I’m doing and he’s so encouraging and supporting. I don’t know how, but he even made me feel like he was taking care of me while I’m sick, while we were on the phone. I love him. hehehe

Eventually Antoan and I headed home. Later in the evening we walked over to Rite Aid for a couple things and he showed me the nearest grocery store, in addition to the bodegas around and about, then we were home for the evening. I ate chicken soup with dumplings and watched Glee! With my fellow Club members in CA watching it was like we were watching it together, and that was nice. Then I caught up on Lost. WHAT THE HELL?

I took my Nyquil, as you read above and finally went to sleep.

Today I will do nothing but rest. Well, later tonight I fill out paper work at Ro’s restaurant, but during the day today…nothing. probably a nap. I need to be done with this cold. There are still hundreds of thousands of places in the Park to see and take pictures of, museums to experience, shows to see and…sigh, I can’t go out and play if I’m feeling SICK. it’s okay, cause there’s time – because I LIVE HERE.

19 of my 20 boxes have made it so far. Last one should arrive later today or tomorrow. Yay. I still need to find a dresser and put my DVD’s on something, but all in good time. And it’s not like money grows on trees, so patience is important – for now. hahahahha

Monday May 3, 2010 I woke up at 6:40am and put my traveling clothes on and zipped up my suit case and waited for my Mammie to come pick me up and take me to Santa Barbara. She was right on time and we were off. We stopped in Santa Maria for coffee, neither one of us could talk or do anything until caffeine was involved. I got a Grande Cinnamon Dolce Latte from a Santa Maria Green Apron, a beverage that Colin says “tastes like stale Christmas” and that’s funny.

I got to the airport around 8:45 and checked my one bag and sat with my Mammie outside in the beautiful Santa Barbara weather on a bench for a while. After about a half hour I had to go through security and get to my gate. Mammie said she couldn’t watch me so she hugged me and walked to her car. I love my Mammie. She cried, I knew she would. She’s not sad for me, she’s happy for me but of course I’m her baby and she wishes I was closer. She’s very supportive of my move and my acceptance to school, but I know it has to be hard for her.

Went through security, and passed with flying colors, oh good! I sat and read “Burned” for a bit. Burned is the 7th book in the House of Night Series and K bought it for me before I left because he loves me and wants me to have stuff I want to read, available to read. That was lovely of him. He also bought me 2 other books I wanted to read that Stephanie originally let me borrow but I didn’t get to them before I left. So I am also excited to read THOSE.

Got on the plane sporting my Sketchers Shape Ups, a pair of Wally World blue jeans and a black Web Associates T-shirt. I had a window seat and had taken Dramamine an hour before so I was ready to sleep. That stuff is…AMAZING. Helps me not get motion sickness and normally knocks me out too, making the plane rides faster. I went from Santa Barbara to LAX with an hour layover, not bad at all. I had a double cheeseburger and medium fries from an airport burger king for $6.67 and I sat texting and trying to stay awake. That Dramamine can be strong sometimes!

We get on the plane. I flew American Airlines and I was asleep before we took off. I slept for about 3 hours of the flight. Which was helpful. Then I just read. I landed at JFK around 8:15pm and Antoan met me at Baggage Claim to take me “home.” P.S. He looks AMAZING. He’s been running a lot and has lost a lot of weight, he is an inspiration. We took the Air Train to the Subway and went home where I walked up 5 flights of stairs and screamed when I saw Ro and Matt. She gave me the tour and when she opened the door to my room is was perfect. . .

The walls were painted a dark, deep purple and I instantly felt spiritual and at home. The floor is tile and I have a CLOSET! It is my understanding that most bedrooms in NY do not have built in closets. You have to get those…roll around, build a closet – closets. AND the room was bigger than I anticipated. The girl before me left her futon mattress so Ro bogarted it for me, bought me 2 pillows and a set of sheets and some other “welcome home” stuff like slippers and shampoo, conditioner and body wash. There were candles lit in my windowsills and I squirmed a bit. I was SO excited to have my own room, my own space and in New York. I’m so happy to be here!!

I dropped my stuff and Ro, Antoan and I went to Greenwich Village, which I guess is called “West Village” (i’m learning I’m learning”) and went to a place called Daddy-O for burgers and drinks. Our waitress, excuse me – our “server” was…wired…or spun out. She spoke a mile a minute and actually spoke over us. She constantly forgot stuff and didn’t listen when we actually opened our mouths BUT, Iate a burger with cheese, mushrooms and bacon on it and tater tots and I was a happy camper. It was 11:15pm by now and I hadn’t eaten since LAX at 11am. Granted it wasn’t REALLY 12 hours for me, but it was still 9 hours and it was still too long to go without food. Then we went to some pub where Ro likes and we had another celebratory cocktail then eventually headed home.

Once home everyone went to their respected bedrooms and I logged on to the internet and quickly wrote “I live in New York” as a status update on facey-space then typed to Terry Sue briefly and by then it was 4am NY time and I was finally tired. I stumbled awake around 11am, thinking I’d slept the day away, then forgave myself because I’m still use to it being 8am.

I woke up, and went to the kitchen where I found Antoan pouring coffee and smiled and said, for like.. the 10th time already “Hello…I live here” a la Carrie Bradshaw and smiled. He smiled back and got me a mug for coffee. I made some instant oatmeal and we sat at the cute little table in the kitchen on some cute stools and just, chatted. It was awesome. While siting there the door buzzer rang and it was UPS and another shipment of my stuff came. I have received a total of 14 of my 20 boxes and I successfully unpacked my closet. Later i took a shower, first shower in NY and Ro, Antoan & I went to Target in the Bronx (hehehe) to get a few things. We came home, Ro made Pina Coladas and we watched Madonna’s Sticky & Sweet Tour on DVD in Antoan’s room. Matt made dinner, yum and now it’s midnight, here…in NY…where I live…oh – and I have a cold. Did I already say that? hmmm. It’s just from the traveling, I’m sure, but none the less I can’t really breathe, I cough from time to time and my throat is sore.

So instead of calling my wonderful boyfriend back in SLO,CA I’m chatting with him, it hurts to talk, and soon I’ll go to bed and sleep.

Tomorrow, Central Park and other stuff. And Thursday the rest of my boxes should be here. I’ll eventually get a frame for my futon, or upgrade to a bed-bed (it’s a bigger deal when you say it twice) and i’ll look for a dresser and something to put my DVD’s on.

I start school in September, and I start training for work at Ro’s restaurant this thursday. No vacation or downtime, we move right into the life and times. =)

3 days 10 hours 57 minutes

Until my flight takes off.

I have to date shipped 14 boxes to NY.  These are not large boxes, these are not super heavy boxes.  I’d say they range from small to medium boxes and the heaviest has been 17 pounds.   I have about 5-6  more to send and I’ll be set.  It still only feels a little real.  Hugging people stopped being weird or sad.  That “tug” is not there, right now.  It seems more likely to hug someone and hear them say “Good Luck” or “Have a great time” or “Good luck on this new adventure” more than “I’ll miss you”  or “I can’t believe you’re going”  and it’s actually very very nice.  I understand my friends and family will miss me, they also support me and this decision, there for it is not a “sad” goodbye. And, nor is it forever.  I know I’m committing to NY for 2 years for school, if not a bit more.  Shrug.

After that I may stay put, I may go to the UK, I may get a contract on Broadway, I may get on a tour, I may take a year off for my brains sake.  Who knows.  What I do know is that I don’t have to worry about it right now.
Right now I’m full from my Favorite Chicken with rice and corn.  I’m full from the Traditional Mersai Birthday cake.  Right now I have  fun pictures to look at on my NEW CAMERA.  My old camera took a tumble last saturday and busted, and my new Lovey, K, bought me a new one.  He said I need to be able to document my last week here and my time in NY.  No, I have not named the new Camera yet.  George was stolen in 2008, Ruby just took a tumble and broke, I don’t know what will come of this new one.  but he will be named.  Yes, my camera is a boy.  =)  Right now I’m looking at photos taken by Jen Kuester, owner of Jennifer Olson Images or JOI who has a great package right now that includes prints.  How awesome is that?  I’m not ready to give out the pass code for our pictures, I’d like K and I to look and enjoy them before letting the world in on it. But rest assured, I WILL let you in on it. Right now I’m planning my day tomorrow and putting it on my calendar so the right people can view it and know what’s goin’ on with me.  Right now, I’m tired and ready for sleep.

Today was a good day.  I woke up next to my lovey, had lunch with my friend Chelsea, bought a new pair of zories and I bought a butterfly ring for only $5.  Sweet Sauce

I already have a part time job to jump into upon my arrival.  I start to train on Tuesday, May 4th so wish me luck.  The transition for me is going to the be easiest out of all of my friends have made this leap.  I am thankful for the fully developed and paved road with brand new signage on it pointing me safely in the right direction that all of them have worked on and I understand I will have some dues to pay, but I’m, again, thankful it will be a bit easier for me.   I’m thankful of such a great family connection, good friends that support me and have my back and hold my hand when I need them too.  I’m thankful for K being so encouraging of my going to New York and attending school and I feel like this time physically a part will really test us and our friendship foundation.  Words will carry a lot of weight and patience will be tested because we can’t have conversations face to face (not including skype…you know what I mean).  But I’m not afraid or worried, I feel very good about going, I feel good about him and me and “us” and I feel good about whatever life will become in the next 2 years.

And soon it will be both my Wife’s birthday and my friend Cincinnati.  (Like 30 minutes…soon)
And next week it is Antoan’s Birthday and I will be able to celebrate it with him for the first time in over 10 years.

I leave for NY in 8 days 21 hours and 45 minutes. I believe that it is finally starting to sink in. Some hugs have been, for lack of better phrasing, “the last hug” because I don’t know when I’ll see them again. All of my friends are excited for me. Friends that I’m leaving behind, and friends that I am going to see when I get to New York, they’re all excited. And I’m so glad. No one has looked at me like I’m going to fail, no one has been negative, no one has said “well, when you don’t succeed you can always come back home” (which I have heard before, and although I’m sure they meant well, it hurt me). Everyone has been so supportive and happy for me, and encouraging. And it’s really starting to finally sink in. And I’m not sad to leave, but I’m sad that mom and dadda n terry won’t be a couple miles away. I know I don’t go see them a lot, but knowing I can is comfortable and stepping away from this comfort is beginning it’s quake within my core. It is a small rumble, right now smaller than an I’m-hungry-rumble, but a few days ago there was nothing and now…there is a small rumble. It is anxiety, when I’m home alone and packing and sealing the boxes and writing address labels. It is a few sleepless nights because I didn’t get to sleep next to him; my very important him, my him who has made me so happy this last few weeks. It is something I can’t seem to feed either. Ice cream does not fill it, mac n cheese with hot dogs (yes, don’t judge me) doesn’t fill it. It is so small right now though, that I sometimes confuse it for something else. Everything is just a liiiiiiitttle more important. Mr. Gutters spaghetti, Boyfriend Jenn’s salads, baby Sam running to me for my good morning hug and kiss, seeing Rik’s band, karaoke with Smurf, having dinner with sister and double-T, taking short drives with my mom, and I haven’t been good enough about seeing my dadda. Knowing I can just go over and curl up on the couch next to him and watch whatever, or eat whatever is the part of me as daddies-little girl that is going to have to be left behind for a bit. Not forever, I’m not going away forever. And I’m gonna come home and visit, this is HOME, my family is here. But they won’t be a short drive, they’ll be a bit of plane ride. And I’m so excited to go to school, and to live in NY. I knew I always would. I don’t know for how long, could be 2 years, could be 10 – I don’t know. But I know it’s time. So, the countdown continues and it’s a countdown to a bit of an end, and a bit of a beginning.

And, that’s all right now. That’s all that really exists. Time.

10 days, 12 hours, 2 minutes until I’m on my plane for New York.

Nervous?:  No, not yet
Scared?:  No, don’t think it will be
Excited?:  Yes, of course

My heart has started to realize when I hug people it is for the last time, for a while, and not knowing the next time I will hug that person is tugging a bit.  Not in a way that makes me want to stay and live life here, forever, unsuccessfully, monetarily struggling or just because I know it here.   But in a way that knows it I’m leaving my life “here” behind in order to experience something more and different.  I know I will be able to keep in touch with these people via emails, and fb – whatever, but being able to just get a text from someone that says “hi, wanna come over for coffee” and saying “yep” I will miss.  Spontaneous hang out sessions with my close friends and family.

My mind has not realized it yet.  I think I’m going away for a a couple weeks maybe even a month but I’ll see everyone as soon as I get back.  It’s logical for me to want to see people before heading out, but not logical for me get upset if I don’t get to see them.  Logic is understanding that people have lives, they have work and families to tend too, they have clubs and classes, and meetings; and logic tells me they are busy and that *I* have been busy before and should understand time restraints, constraints and issues.

My gut is telling me nothing.  Let me try that again.  My gut is not telling me to be emotional or logical.  I don’t feel any “wrong” feelings in my gut, nothing that tells me I’m not making the right decision.  Nothing that tells me I may regret this or that, nothing that pulls me in any other direction than simply forward, as planned.

Although, K and I have been getting closer.  Spending time together talking has been very rewarding.  He works.  Too much in my opinion, but I’m spoiled in that I control my schedule.  His job is very demanding, and he’s very good at it, and I have even used the phrase “married to his work” to explain it to some people.  So, understanding his time is limited is important.  Waiting for when he has time for he is hard, but also important.  He is wonderful to me.  After his long days at work, if he invites me over he wants to make sure he pays attention to me and doesn’t just invite me over and ignore me.  Sometimes we eat together, watch movies, talk, play music and dance around – seriously but wine is involved in that one has happened.  Getting close to someone while preparing to move away is something I have never truly experienced.  And I don’t recommend it.  For the first three days of our new found friendship/relationship/whatevership (after being acquaintances for 10 years)  I tried to just be friends.  By the fourth day I had already felt I was falling, and fast.  And after the last few weeks, and what a wonderful few weeks, I have fallen, and I’m still falling in other ways.  I’m sure when the reality of me moving has settled in I will miss him terribly.  Until then, I’m enjoying our time together.  He makes me smile, he makes me happy, he makes me feel special, he makes me feel more everything, in the best way. And my mind tells me logically I can keep him as my friend like I will others.  Via email, phone, text and fb etc.  Emotionally, my heart tells me to remind him I love him, every day and let him know I miss when I do, and to let him tug at my heart because it makes me feel alive.  My gut says everything will be just as it is supposed to.

And so it ends, and so it begins, and so it continues.
And so it is what it is, it will be what it should and it also will never be the same.