Aiyani Mersai

School starts on tuesday.  Cleveland and I are still settling in.  We have a couch – a love seat we got for free from some of sisters friends and we’re looking for a chair for the living room as well and we’ll call that room done.  He’s still setting up the sound system – of course, and we still don’ t have a kitchen table and chairs but I haven’t been looking either.  We’ve just been working and unpacking for what seems like months has only been a little over 2 weeks.  he’s wonderful, he gets me.  he gets all my quarky attitude moments and he knows how to handle me in any emotional situation.  whether i’m crying because i’m mad or hungry, or if i’m bored or hyper.  He gets it, I’m lucky. 

Amy thank you for that websit link – its a fun place!!! and i’ll look there all the time now! so thanks and yay for your boots.

um. . . Kaza hope your bachelorette party weekend was fabU and that you received my recovery text message, sorry i couldn’t play though – got MY DRESS THOUGH!!!!! and it should be done being taken in by 8/29. 

i don’t know what else to say.  I’ve stayed at a loss of 15.6 pounds through Weight Watchers I’m sure once I get on a school/eating/gym schedule it’ll go down more.  i’m SURE of it – . . .DAMNIT IT MUST!!!!!.  so i currently weigh 191.2 pounds.  i know i must be crazy to actually post it, I have to be honest with myself you know?  And they largets I ever was , was 221 pounds.  Yuck.  BUT slowly and surely – DAMNIT IT MUST. . . i’m totally calm.

ok, gonna go help cleveland with whatever he needs help with in the living room.  ciao and. . . yah. bye. if i think of more i’ll let you know, and if I can help you – you let me know. =)

Hello all – I know I know, where the hell have I been.  I have no school, no play, no babies – what’s my excuse?

I’ve been moving. 

Cleveland and I found a place together (and new date is July 14th by the way!), still in Santa Maria and I love it.  we’re still settling of course.  Sister gave us her old entertainment center however. . .we’re looking for a couch (regular size not love seat) and a table and chairs for the dining room.  Yah we have 3 fabu sets of dishes, great stemware, a media room dedicated to the over 1,000 movies and TV series we have, my pics everywhere on the wall and great bed and frame – but. . . no place for us to sit for dinner or place for guests to sit WHEN you visit.  If you know of anything out there that’s not expensive let me know maybe we can figure something out. 

Also my mom needs a CD burner.  Does anyone out there have one they’d like to sell me? or know of a place I can get one that’s not expensive?  Cleveland can install it to her computer but she does need one and needs to be soon.  If no one out there has one they can get rid of we’ll just go to Best Buy or something – but I always like to check here first.  =)

what else?  I’m in the middle of my 14th week of Weight Watchers.  I didn’t weigh last week, I was scared to see that I’ve gained during the move and eating out and shtuff – i wasn’t prepared to have the scale go up.  but I’m still trying.  Last time I checked I had lost 15.7 pounds. 

School starts August 22 – I can’t wait. . . (you can hear how I’m saying that for reals – i’m sure)

ps. totally gonna plug my sisters businesses.  She is a co-owner of Felicite (Fel-i-city) Photography (yes she’s a professional photographer) mostly weddings, she’s also done senior portraits and head shots, family portraits –  http://felicitephotography.com  She also sells Body Shop products – which are FAN-FREEGIN’ TASTIC. no seriously, so maybe we could have one of those body shop parties or something!!!! YAY!!!! and I know she has a website for this too – but I don’t have it, I’ll get it and post it though for all your body shop needs! yay!!!

gotta go – more things to do today.  and sisters bachelorette party is this weekend gotta do some last minute stuff.

thanks all, really. 

So here it is, Beauty and the Beast closing night and afterwards we strike so i’ll probably be done in solvang around 1:30am and home around 2 – 2:15.

things i will write about:
cleveland; the love of my life
atreyu; the new little man in my life (nahnnah’s baby)
beauty and the beast

Cleveland and I are still looking for a place to live.  we need a 2 bedroom in Santa maria under a thousand, finding them is one thing, getting approved to live there is a whole other situation.  I have great credit. . . oh wait – NO I DON’T.  I have CRAP credit, and his isn’t that great either.  think happy thoughts for us.

i’ll catch you all up sometime this week.

I’ve been looking forward to sleeping in since last July.  Sometimes I get a few extra hours in, but really – I just don’t have time to sleep like I used to.  Like I did when I was was jobless and living at my dadda’s house feeling sorry for myself. 

Everyone has that crazy 4th of July story, everyone has the boring story and the drinking stories.  This is not that story.  This is my fourth of July story for 2006:

I had woken up at 5:55am to the sound of my phone alarming me to awake and wash my face, brush my teeth and get to the green apron in AG by 7am.  My shift lasted until about 3pm.  During the course of the day I dropped over 40 cups on the floor, remade 26 drinks, made 15 pitchers of frappucino base and successfully got syrup all over my arms, and my face, topping it off with a frappucino bursting in my face after i took the lid off to pour it.  Is this story true? well maybe I exagerated but sometimes days at work feel like that, you know?  I was so tired and just wanted to go to sleep.  every 12 minutes was another 2 hours in aiyani’s world and I left having wored over a 14 hour days in the coffee-biz. 

I went to my mommie’s house and rinsed in her shower and put “real” clothes on and checked my email(s).  I’ve been without internet service for 4 days  and needed to check on some important things. . . Hotel rooms for sisters wedding, John Mayer Tour tickets and of course – myspace. (rolls eyes)  After an hour and a half I decided to be social have some chips and salsa, veggies and dip and just, hang out and enjoy life with my family.  Rik is 13 and now taller than me, with braces – and good in every sport; of course.  the Smurf was at work, but I went to get him at 5pm for dinner.  (He’s in the Shakespeare in the park this year, in both Macbeth and the Three Musketeers.  Sister and her fiance M.A. double T came by aswell and sister made a fantastic salad and we watched funny Jimmy Falon clips on the computer.  I left around 6:30pm I guess after hugging all and kissing all I headed over to the annual BBQ gathering. . .

I parked in the same spot I always do and walked in the front door without knocking and through the side door and took in a familiar smell.  And it wasn’t the smell of meat on a fire pit, or rice, or veggies.  It was the smell of 7&7’s and smoke.  the same people gathered around playing games, having old conversations.  I walked in and gave Brad a hug and Dave and Glenn, then German (Herman) intro’d me to his new girlfriend Erika and I said hi to Tracy and Captain Carl and Sherry then it was over to the host.  Rich. 

He was so glad to see me, he of course had probably been drinking since…. well 1979 or so if not earlier but he was genuine in saying “you’re here, you came!”  He fixed me a 7&7 told me Vicki and Kevin didn’t go, Brighteyes was in San Jose or something and of couse I know Nahnnah is on bedrest til the caper gets here.  It was just, different.  it was the same and different.  He told me where the food was and I helped myself to a plate said hello to a couple more people than just ate my food.  I called Caitlin to say hi and tell her I was in town if she was around maybe we could get together somewhere for a bit, she never called me back.  And I called Cleveland arount 7:45/8 to say hi, check in and tell him I’d call him again later.  I started talking to a guy named Sean (not Brad’s son).  I’d met him several times at the old bar (Sunset Dunes) and he’s always at the gatherings so we just talked about me going to school and his girlfriend and old times at the bar.  it was the same and different.  Jason Lee was even there, it seems he’s always kicked out of everyone’s life then he just squirms right back in.  He had given me a hug earlier too and I left it at that.

insert – Jason Lee
This is a guy who thinks he knows me.  A guy who thinks he’s seen me sing enough and drink enough to know me.  thinks he knows what makes me tick, what makes me happy, sad and angry.  At one point in my life he told me how much he loved me and he wished he was in a better place because he wanted me to be his wife.  It was that same point in time people thought we were dating….seriously dating.  I’d gone to Rincon with him and the WHOLE gang from the bar for their annual weekend celebration of nothing.  And that whole weekend I spent talking to Brad and Rich and drinking 7&7’s.  For those of you that remember, that was the weekend I tried canooing with Brad in the middle of the night drunk, in a tanktop and a pair of jean shorts.  it wasn’t til after I was slightly trapped underneath the canoe I realized it was a bad idea – yah, THAT drunk.  Anyways, he’s never been that person for me. EVER . He never considered me his girlfriend, i never called him my boyfriend and I knew he was never right for me.  He kept horrible hours and smoked too much.  he was a drama queen – still is.  This is a guy who flaunted his girlfriend infront of me to try to make me jealous when i would come up and visit from la la land.  She was nice, we always got along; Jess and I, but he was always trying to remind me of how he felt. . . THEN.  how he used to feel, how he could feel that way again but I live too far away – as if I was somehow feeding him the idea he EVER had a chance.  He’s the one we all roll our eyes at , at the bar.  The one who causes nothing but drama by starting rumors and playing people against each other.  He’s never grown up, he’s never moved on, he probably never will ——end insert.

He gave me a hug and I left it at that.  Later when i was talking to Sean he came by and took a wiff of my drink and I told him he could go fix me another one if he’d like  because that one got all watered down.  He started to walk over to get me one then something was said – and I don’t know if it was me or sean but it pretty much was about how he’s always checkin’ up on me, finding ways to be in my space, so he brought the drink back and i could get my own drink and sean and I just laughed.  he had just proved our point and sean went to fix me a drink.  while he was gone jason lee came back and I said “is there a reason you’re always so rude around me, cause if its something i’ve said – i had to have said it over a year ago and you just need to learn to let go – and grow up a little bit. ” 

his reply was “remember what you said to me the last time we spoke”

“no….last year?….i don’t remember ANY of our conversations”

and he said “you just think about what you said to me, you try to figure it out and then we’ll talk” and he walked away from me as Sean was walking up.

Sean just looked back and I just said something about boys never growning up and we continued our conversation and I didni’t think about what Jason Lee said.  I still haven’t, I still think its funny how dramatic he said that I should think about it and then we’d talk – um….if i NEVER talk to him again IN MY LIFE……….I’ll be totally fine.  He doesn’t change me for better or worse, he just takes time away from me, time I’ll never get back by listening to him yap on and on about whatever. 

Then it was 8:30pm and I decided to get going so I could get home and just go to sleep.  I called Cleveland on the way home.  Just talking to him I started to cry.  I couldn’t explain it.  I told him it was the same but different and that there was no place for me anywhere.  All my old friends had moved on, and I know I did too but its too different.  The old karaoke gang used to get together still for BBQ’s almost every week just to talk and see eachother.  Now people are having babies getting married building houses and I don’t get to see any of them.  I dont’ get to see any of my friends and the people I could call my ‘friends’ now. . . i don’t want to see.  I’m sick of seeing them.  I see them TOO much.  I told him all I could think of was wishing he was there. so i could intro him to people from my past.  that i’m so proud to be with him.  that being with him but being here alone is different.  I’ve always loved being single (when i was) I embraced my independance and played with boys and my friends and didn’t care about anything.  I’ve changed,  I care so much that the longing to have him close brought me to tears.  I knew what he was doing was important and I never NEVER want to take him away from doing what he loves………but I missed him and I just wanted him home.  I cried telling him how I felt stuck between loving to step into my past at that house with those people….even the feelings of being around strangers was familiar……….and longing to move forward with him here, with me.  he just said he knew and that it wouldn’t happen again because where ever he has to go for work I”m going with him, and visa versa.  I told him how much he meant to me, and how much it meant to me that he just let me cry because sometimes we just need to.  sometimes telling someone “it’ll be okay, stop crying” isn’t the right thing to say.  He said he was meant to be with me and he was meant to understand you – that’s just how you and i work. 

he just makes me so happy.  he knows me so well, and by that i mean how to handle me.  sure he knows about my life before him, but handling all my personality traits and emotional swings sometimes can be difficult – and he does it with pure ease. 

I love him , I miss him.

Happy 4th of July all, hope you got to see old friends and new friends, and I hope you were fortunate enough to have a moment where you realized how free you are and how freeing it can be to embrace who you are.

Cleveland will be home in 18 days.  I went to visit him last monday.  I left at 4:40am and got to Santa Rosa by 10am.  We had breakfast at IHOP, tootled about the mall, saw “Cars” and then met up with Lynda and Miss Elzon for about a half hour.  It was lovely to see people I like.  Out of all the people I met this last year I only really connected with a few, and most of them went to Santa Rosa this Summer for work.  wah wah wah. 

Beauty and the Beast is going well.  We opened in Solvang on June 16th and we close July 16th. . . i think. . . 17th? 16th. . .somewhere on that weekend.  There are somedays when I am proud to be apart of the cast, when we take our bows and we’re thanking the audience for being there.  After all, if no one shows up, we don’t have a reason to put these shows on right?  So there are few times when i’m proud to be there and taking my bow as an ensemble member, and few times where I just want to be home with Cleveland watching Alias or a good movie.  Where. . . I’d rather be at the gym.  One of the better things about this is my dresser Amy.  She’s so helpful and fantastic and she just plays along with me and my goofyness when diving into the cheesegrater outfit.  The Cheese Mistress. 

STGA is rough on my stuff sometimes, but only because I try to do too much by working, going to the gym as much as I can and then getting on a bus at 6pm for an 8pm show and not home till midnight almost every night.  But I need the money.  I need to find another way to earn money.  Suggestions?  Working from home would be fantastic, what about mystery shopping – that would be fun probably. 

Weight Watchers. I’m in the middle of my 9th week and have lost 12.5 pounds.  I have really great days, pretty good days, and not too bad days.  I haven’t a “bad” eating day in these 9 weeks.  By that I mean I didn’t throw away the day to everything that is bad for me.  I make good choices for all of my meals, as best as i can for the situation I’m in.  Like when I went to see Cleveland , we went to dinner and I ordered grilled chicken and veggies in a wheat tortilla and I didnt’ have any of the chips and salsa they brought us.  However. . . every night the ushers at Beauty have cookies, I always take one to be polite then I normally give it away.  This weekend I think I ate 2 cookies 3 nights in a row.  They may not sound like alot, but it feels like alot when you take the time to plan your meals and prepare something good and tasty and you go to the gym, you feel like all of it. . .i mean ALL of it is for nothing if I have those cookies.  But I don’t punish myself too much, . . not TOO much. 

And for those who keep track, Cleveland and I changed our wedding date to July 14, 2007. 

And I’d just like to take a moment to vent a little bit about some people, no – someone asked ask questions like “are you sure he’s the one?” and they ask because I’ve had the date “july 7, 2007” in my mind for almost 5 years.  Always thought it would be cool to get married on 7/7/07, i also thought that would be me and John Mayer’s wedding date.  So take it for whatever you want.  some people, well, a certain person wanted to make sure that I just wasn’t choosing him out of convenience because I wanted to be married by then.  And these questions have been circulating in my mind since they said that . . in december. . . “Do you know me at all?  who do you think you are to say that to me? how shallow do you think I am”  And all I could think of was maybe they were just jealous that I was swept off my feet with no effort.  No crazy drama to find that happy place with someone.  We didnt’ have to work hard to stay together, and though that may sound prematture since we’ve only been together since late november, we weren’t brought together by drama, and we’re not held together by drama.  I don’t feel like I should have to appologize for being happy in a relationship when I didn’t have to work hard to get happy.  I feel lucky.  I feel complete somehow and stronger and smarter.  I communicate better with him, I reach out to him to explain why I say things and how I really mean them and we work together to find our solid ground.  The other men in my life, I would push them away and tell them they were wrong and wait for them to apologize, and they always did.  Whether they did to just stop the drama or because they meant it I don’t know, and I don’t care.  I care about my Cleveland, i care about our life together now and the life we are going to have together.  Its not my fault some people have to go through crazy drama or years and years to get engaged, married or just be happy, its just not my fault that I’m simply happy with Cleveland.  Things happen in our life for a reason.  Maybe I’ve had my share of “boy drama.”  and what’s also important is I refused to put myself in a position where there would be MORE drama.  I just didn’t think I needed to work that hard to be happy with someone.  I love him, I’m IN love with him and not out of convenience, or obligation.  Because he’s wonderful, and charming and smart and funny and handsome and thoughtful and genuine.  He’s the one i can’t imagine being without.  he’s the one I want to see before I go to sleep and wake up to.

And for once, I’m not hungry at the end of a journal entry.  I need to change my laundry over, drink more water and rest

Today we started rehearsals for the remount of Beauty and the Beast.  Everyone stood up and said their name, and what roles they played.  i heard things like “Silly Girl Number 2 and Napkin.”  It seems fun and silly, then you hear someone say “Villager, plate and wisk” and you think . . .when in life do you ever say that, then it was “My name is Aiyani I’m a villager, the ever seductive cheese grater, I’m still understudying Bryn for Babette and I’m still a female swing” then you hear mumbles of people and an applause from a couple.  It just made me laugh. 

What the hell did I agree to???  Oh well, I’m told to remind myself this is a Disney Play and I’m getting paid so I should keep that in mind.  And to those of you who extended that reminder, thank you – and I have kept it in mind.  In face one of the cast members/one of my class mates asked me how I felt about this place.  If my feelings changed at all, . . .meaning – am I or am I not returning for my second year (shut up LM) ANYWAY. . I told him the difference between school and this is during school. . . I’m going into debt to feel like a babysitter, listen to gossip (when I don’t want to) and here, . . they’re paying me to do it.  So I’ll probably have a different attitude this summer.  I take care of my business for my paycheck and I let others worry about their stuff. Yes we are an ensemble and should help each other out, but i won’t have to compete for rehearsal time for a partner who’s crying over a breakup, or they just found out so and so is sleeping with so and so and they’re jealous.  Nor will I have to compete with I’m drunk, I’m tired, I’m high.  I show up, do my job, then leave.  By the way. . .I didn’t really run into those problems with MY scene partners but it circulated the conservatory enough to keep me guessing what was gonna happen next, an unnecessary movement of stress.

I went to the gym today.  40 minutes of what I would call “high intensity” on the olyptical machine, something Bear would probably call “moderate intensity.”  Those trainers always want you DRIPPING in sweat.  It doesn’t count that I AM sweating, only if its constantly dripping. Today starts my 6th week of Weight Watchers.  I’ve supposedly lost 4 pounds.  My mom? lost 4lbs this last week.  I just keep reminding myself, i’m just NOW starting to work out, and I’m just NOW started to ease up on my ice cream and alcohol intake.  I’m sure this will eventually appear on the scale.  I’m also meeting with a trainer name John next friday for an orientation to the gym so he can walk me around the weights and tell me how to use machines and stuff.  Yes I already know how, but you haven’t seen this gym.  I’ts HUGE, I don’t wanna get lost looking for a machine – I need to know where I’m going so my heart rate doesn’t drop.  My target “in zone” rate (according to my new-to-me polar heart rate monitor) is between 125 and 164.  I’m normally averageing 145 – 149. 

I’m a bit tired, and where I originally was going to treat myself with 1 cup of ice cream ( 2 points per 1/2 cup) I now feel a bit too tired to truly enjoy it, and think I’ll save it for another day.  Perhaps some water, then I’ll wash my face, brush my fangs (as my dadda always said) and climb into bed and read before passing out by 12:30am. 

ps. it is now 12am – I’ll see cleveland in 44 days.

Cleveland left at 4:10 yesterday morning for SRT (Santa Rosa) for 7 weeks.  He’s sound designing their entire Summer Season.  I’m so proud of him, and I don’t miss him, yet – but it’s only been a day.  We’ll see how I am in a few days.  I’ve even started a countdown til he comes home, yes – yes Kaza taught me well.  He’ll be home in 47 days.  I’m going to try to go and see him a couple times but with his schedule and mine it will be difficult.

This past week has been truly wonderful.  From simply sleeping in, to visiting Kitten and the little peanut (Jen Law and Jacob Jude)  I got a new hair cut, bought some new makeup (bare minerals, it really is nice and light), had lunch with some friends, dinner with some friends, saw Kaza’s show “Razzle Dazzle” and go see it;it’s fun, got an oil change for the princess mobile and made a really good veggie soup – compliments of a weight watchers book.

Weight Watchers is ok.  My mom and I stopped going to our old meetings, the lady was not motivating and let some random 10 year old make too many annoying comments during the meeting.  We found a good one in SLO but I don’t want to trek up there for just that.  Then my sister joined on saturday and the girl who teaches in SLO was here in Santa Maria on saturdays, so I’m gonna start going on saturdays….starting next week.  I have to stga this saturday 6/3.  But, it will all be ok an in a couple weeks.  I’m in my 5th week and lost 3 pounds supposedly.  That’s including my non-work outs, ice cream, and 7&7’s.  I can’t expect better unless I do better.  ….so…I went to the gym today.  40 minutes of “moderate” exercise.  It felt good, I’m going to try to get there during my dinner breaks once rehearsals for Beauty and the Beast start, and I’m gonna start doing my pilates again.  I’m also taking a “clinic in ballet” this summer through hancock, and maybe a stretch class depending on if I have time for it.  I need to make sure I leave time to work for the green apron.  Mula is good.

At any rate.  I’m doing well.  rehearsals start tuesday 5/30 and we open June 14 and close July 16.  Then we strike and I have about 6 weeks to myself before my second year at PCPA starts August 21.  During those weeks I’m going to skarieokie, workout, go to kaza’s bachelorette party, my sisters bachelorette party, go see Wicked in Orange county, probably go to disneyland and Medieval Times and see my family.  That is no particular order.  Hopefully I’ll also see my friends, go to the movies and play some board games.

I’m hungry (surprised?), I’m going to have some of that veggie soup, its actually quite good.