Aiyani Mersai

I’ve used the phrase “sack” instead of “shit” lately – it’s much more fun.  And I use “ballsack” or “nutsack” for the same.  It’s funny – and no it’s not an aiyani original I got it from Michael.

HOWEVER – I had responded to the question about if I kept the cel message he left me.  i dont’ remember exActly what I wrote but it said somethign like….

At first I kept it as a drive to prove him wrong.  Then I kept it to have other people listen to when his name, unfortunately, came up, THEN I kept it to laugh at and a part of me wanted to find a way to get it on my computer or a CD or something so I could infact, delete it……….As of today, no – no I have not deleted it.  I’ve pressed 9 over 1,000 times since June 8, 2003 at 3 something in the morning.  A part of it disgusts me and I KNOW I need to delete it – but it truly is funny if you think of how dramatic and random and dumb he is.  I haven’t decided what to do with it – I’m still interested in keeping it somehow and then playing it as my acceptance speech when I receive an Oscar.

I just sort of sat back and smiled and shook my head watching Joelzero and Missloo12 go back and forth agreeing and disagreeing.  And I’m not sure if I need to explain or not  –

I know I could’ve dropped it, let go – forgave him and forgot about all that “highschool” stuff.  The thing is, I really and truly honestly felt like I needed to talk to him about it.  Like I needed to let him explain his side and me mine.  When he came across the way he did the first couple emails I thought Ok, we’ll both be adults and learn to not build tension when either of us are in a room with many others, learn to work with eachother in the event we are cast together but all in all just tolerate eachothers presense without drama……………I was wrong.  He’s a drama queen and holds on to drama like birdshit on a window.  And I guess all I know from this is not to bother again.  I’m fine, I feel contentwith my responses I feel they represented me where I was and when I was.  If he wants to moan and groan and cry his way through life about his so called past – let him.  I’ve finally let go of my anger and resentment.  He has his own issues, obvioulsy, he needs to workout. 

and Zannie – I meant 7 (lol, I’ve obvioulsy hit “9” to many times)

The quick background.
Brandt Michaels and i dated from the summer of 1998 (I was like 19 and he’s a year and a half younger than I am)to about mid 2000.  the “breakup” lasted for WAY too long.  He accused me of stupid things, wrong things and dumb things.  And when I was just fed up I walked away from him and didn’t care what he thought or what he said.  A few times since then we’ve had to work together in shows and it’s always horrible.  And a few times i’ve run into him and he’s again, just mean – and quite frankly dumb.

In my attempt at releasing the anger and resentment I’ve held in because of him (during my “rejuvenation of faith…..{member that??}  ),  I contacted Brandt to attempt resolving any issues we may still have.  So there would be peace between us and we could learn to be cordial to eachother. This is what happened in a series of emails.

ME:
Brandt~

Hi, it’s been a very long while since we’ve spoken. I have a request to ask of you, and I’m not sure how you’re going to respond. In the middle of my rejuvenation of faith, if you will, I just feel like i have held all this anger or anxiety or resentment in because of you or for you or whatever. And I’d just like to meet, have coffee or whatever, and talk. Not bring up the past and all of that – that was a lifetime ago. Not fight or argue, but …..I need to let go of things in my life that are negative that I’ve held on to. I kind of think that if we talk, then maybe we could find a way to be cordial to eachother. I don’t want to harness anymore of this tension or anger or upset feelings I have for you every time I see you. I’d like to let them go, but I really feel like we’d have to talk before I can.

Its just a request. Say yes, no – or don’t reply and I’ll know what your answer is.

Aiyani

HIS RESPONSE:
in order to get things right with others you must be truthful with your self. I think you know how bad you hurt a eighteen year old kid. you were all I had in the world and that was shattered. if you can tell your self that what all you did was ok then no I will never be your guest for tea ( I don’t drink coffee you know that) but if you can see what you did maybe. I know it was a lot to do with me and my youth and its not all on you but I was a kid. and I feel I was taken advantage of in a lot of ways.

after reading this, if you would still like to go for tea respond.

MY RESPONSE:
Allright. (medium sigh) It seems perhaps maybe we both are holding in these old issues. I honestly can tell you I don’t know or maybe don’t remember how things affected you, I only know how they affected me. But I am willing to listen. It looks like maybe discussing the past is what we will have to do to move forward. I’m not accustomed to hearing what a terrible person I am – but in all honesty if Ryan were around I’d want him to know how he screwed me up too. So – I really do want to sit with you. I really do want to hear your side and I really want you to hear my side. I know this is 7 years in the making but if good things come of it, even if it means hearing eachother out – I think its worth it.

Perhaps we can both keep in mind we we’re younger than – i’m what a year and a half older than you and I truly believe that the relationship I was in before I met you then, shattered me – if you will. But I want to listen to you, and I need you to listen to me. I think we’ll both be better off.

Hot tea, or iced tea?

HIS RESPONSE
ok iced tea. but remember last time we tried this it blew up. if you can leave princess at home and only bring aiyani. my ego will be large enough.
let me know date & time ill try to work it in.

MY RESPONSE:
What do you think of the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf? I’ve been only once – so i can’t say what’s great or not. But it’s the one off of five cites crive or 4th street in AG. Unless SLO is better. How bout monday 6/6 at 11am. or…wednesday 6/8 after 11am. those are the times for me next week. If you believe you have a better idea, please suggest it.

And I think we both should leave our so called ego’s at home. And really try to approach this as adult as possible. Again, I’m willing to hear and listen to your side if you are willing to listen to mine. I think its only fair.

HIS RESPONSE:
look what do I have to gain from this? not a thing I can go on being me without you feeling ok about what ever .I think this is to get things ok in your head, if you would like to get things straight type it out I think I tried this coffee thing once.
I am sorry but I don’t trust you as a person. I eat with friends and family. you are neither. or call me but, I don’t think I need to see you. let me try to work up to that.

P.S this my sound hostile that is not my intent. I just got a bad vibe on your last correspondence.

MY RESPONSE:
(nods)ok. And your vibe is right on ………….I’m not sure why I wanted to meet you anyways either. It was tugging at my heart to contact you to settle some things. I understand what you’re saying. I guess I wouldn’t be want to be around people I have those feelings for either. And no, I don’t know what you have to gain from seeing me and talking. I just thought maybe if we put out there what our problems with eachother was then we’d have more of an understanding. That not being the case I’d like to put out there what *my* issues are. And what i’m aiming for is understanding. Not even agreeing – because I think we both know the past was hellacious but I can only tell you things from my point of view. I can only tell you my feelings and please don’t put them down even if you don’t agree with them. My feelings for me will always be valid, just as yours are to you.

All of this was stirred up when I was reading a book called “the purpose driven life” and attending bible studies at my mom’s house. One chapter held my attention because it said I needed to let go of my anger and resentment. Because holding it in would not change anything, for me or the people I was upset with. I sat back and thought first I didn’t have any resentment, when I actaully do. And I thought I didn’t have anyone I was angry at , and I do. And this is what I know and came up with.

I really really really was angry with Ryan. I loved him with every part of me and one day he just kissed me on my forehead, told me he loved me, he’d see me later and went to go fishing – and I never saw him again. I was shattered, broken and lost. After he left I wanted to be with someone I could take care of and would love ME as much as I loved him. I thought you were so wonderful and fun and talented. I wanted to buy you everything you wanted and BE everything you wanted. And I don’t even remember our fights but I remember you accusing me of cheating on you. I 100% did not. I know it hurt me that you thought that, and I knew that there was nothing I could say to change your mind, so I stopped trying to change your mind. I remember you questioning my relationships with other guys and all I could say was they were my friends and I never understood your jealousy. I had looked forward to seeing YOU after rehearsal and talking to YOU at night, not them. All my life boys were more my friends than girls. but they never actually LIKED me, we all just hung out. Ryan was my first everything and he absolutely destroyed me. And I didn’t understand til much later that perhaps *I* was your Ryan. I was much more angry that you were accusatory, much more angry that you didnt’ trust me and I resented you for not letting go when I thought it was time to let go. Even up til those last moments when you would come over to me during Cabaret and tell me how much you loved me, but hated me then you’d go make out with Marni. It was just dumb and wierd to me and I refused to see your side, because all I knew was MY side. That’s all I still know.

But what has changed for me is the ability to let things go, and let things just….Be. We don’t have to be friends, I know that’s not what you want. But if we can find a way to be cordial to eachother whenever we are around eachother I think that’s the best thing to keep everything in a forward motion. Going on and on about how much you hate me because of whatever all those years ago, or how much I hate you because of what you said or did – doesn’t matter to anyone. And I don’t think it’s fair.

I’ve saved a message on my cel phone for 2 years now that you left for me. I saved it because it was mean and somehow became a drive to prove you wrong. And what I also realize is that it doesn’t matter what I think of you, or what you think of me. Neither one of us would be who we are if the summer of 1998 through 2000 didnt’ happen. And you may think we would’ve been better off having never met or been together but neither one of us will ever know. It happened, and it ended. I know I should’ve left Ryan before he left me, but I was blind. I know I shouldn’t have dated someone else so soon, but I wanted to. It all happened for a reason, it all happened in the past. And it’s all stuff we….*I* need to let go of.

I have my drives and dreams and goals and all of my life and relationship experiences make me who I am. And quite frankly I know God loves me still, and right now….that’s the most important thing to me. Its making sure I’m doing what He wants me to do. And I honestly and truly believe he wanted me to contact you to settle it for me, not you. I just wasn’t sure how to do it.

I didnt’ want this to upset you, and I hope it didnt. My hope was only that you would hear my side, and know that you’re not the only one who got screwed by someone. You’re not the only who’s suffered, and who’s held resentment and anger. I’m human too, and I make mistakes too. *I* am a work in progress and I’m ok with that.

Thank you for reading this, be well.

Aiyani

HIS REPSPONSE:
The thing is I don’t hate anyone it takes to much energy to hate. the problem is I don’t care. you life is yours and mine is mine why do we even have to coexists. yes it killed me when I bagged you not to go see derik and to try to work things out. but that was then. I cared for awhile and then realized im better than that
yes I said I loved you but looking back you were a parent a bad one yes but that’s the role you played in my life no we don’t have to be friends. that’s good because I don’t think you could handle being my friend it takes time and trust. you still think a lot about your self not others. god looks for self sacrifice not self gratification.

be good to others and your self you will go far.
by the way check out my new tv show at http://www.behinddesigntv.com
this big fish made it small pond and all.

MY RESPONSE:
Brandt, it’s obvious that your views on how our relationship ended is different than mine. If you’re going to bring in Derek I feel I should bring in that you slapping me over and over and over, drove me right out the door. But I thought we were past that. I thought we were more mature than that. Perhaps not. As far as my beliefs in Jesus and in God are – I have strong legs and my feet are firmly set in my belief that He has been with me through fantastic times and awful times. I have been praised and I have been humbled. You have no idea what I’ve sacrificed, you don’t know me like you think you do and I don’t think it’s a shame because I dont’ really care what you think of me either. I think you are the most conceited person I’ve ever met and you think you are Gods gift to everyone. Well you are not God’s gift to me. . God will use me for great things and it doesn’t matter if you think I’m worth it or not, it only matters that He does. And of COURSE I am going to think of myself before others because if I don’t have MY life right, how can I think of or help ANYONE else. You twist my words around, and you think you’re perfect – you are wrong. You’re wrong about so many things and its not my job to fix it, it’s not my place to talk about it. My prayer for you is for you to be humbled because it’s not about being a big fish or a small fish. God made me exActly how I am for a reason, and I await Him to tell me what I’m doing right and wrong, not you.

………..  So there’s that.

There are few people in my life that I call best friends or good friends.  Most of the people I know are acquaintences/friends-ish.  It’s nothing personal this is not a cry out for help it’s just a set up to what I’m going to write about.

I don’t think I actually fit in to many places, or with very many people.  I think I put on my princess crown and go to the cast parties and drink and act crazy and funny and wild because that’s what I’m supposed to do – or that’s what’s expected of me.  And that’s actually fun and fabulous.  But I rarely just sit with people and talk.  People that will actually listen to what I’m saying, and comment and advice and be involved in my life vs. me puting on a show – if you will.  Right now those two people are Loke and Mandy.  I had such a good time at Loke’s Housewarming party.  It’s refreshing to not be at a party where someone expects me to do a body shot, or there are naked people walking around.  Don’t get me entirely wrong, I go to those parties but I don’t really fit in at those parties because I have a tendency to get uncomfortable.  My talks with Loke and Mandy the past couple times I’ve seen them have been helpful and again, just refreshing.  It was so nice to open up to someone who just genuinely wanted to know how I was, and what I was up to.  They asked about PCPA, and Wicked, and my heart.  And quite frankly my heart has been fluttering about lately not really knowing what to stay focused on. We talked about Stephen Riley Holbrook (and we’ll get to him as we go)  We talked about working out, and working, and movies and living in Paso Robles.  A place, by the way, I didn’t know was that beautiful.  So ladies, thank you – thank you for being a pair of ears and a good voice to hear.  Thank you for your hospitality and your kind and insightful words.  Thank you for remembering what I say to you – it does mean alot.  Thank you for always wondering how I am….how I REALLY am.  I appreciate it, and I appreciate you.  And I truly and honestly look forward to playing with you more often.

Stephen Riley Holbrook, I call him Mr. Stevers,  came into my life a few years ago.  He was the lead singer of a Christian band called “Hows Kelly.”  My sister really liked the band, got my mom hooked on it and she helped them find places to play around here while they were on tour.  Most of them became good friends with my mom, they all loved Ben and Rik ( of COURSE, who wouldn’t??!! 🙂  )  My mommie was very good friends with Mr. Stevers, and they still are.  They are great prayer buddies and have a great bond.  And he was always cool to me too.  He has kind of a dry sense of humor, but if you catch it, it is funny.  Anyways,  whenever I am in the midst of “rejuvinating my faith” is what I’ve been calling it I like to contact him.  His music during Hows Kelly was always a good thing to hear because it was pop and just good to hear.  (I often get sick of the slow dragging Lord of Lords, father of lights, be my shepard …songs)  There music is just fun to listen to.  So I recently contacted him  as I’ve been refocusing my life and found out he’d been working on a new demo and he sent me 4 songs he had.  I LOVED IT…..I LOVE IT STILL.  I remember calling him practically in hysterics telling him I loved the new voice he was going for…it’s much more edgy and kind of breathy (i’ve always like that, HELLO JOHN??!!!) And again, his lyrics and music were just FUN to listen to.  He asked me what my favorite one was and I said I hadn’t listened to all of them yet, just the first one.  He laughed and said if you like the first one you will LOVE the second.  And GOOD LORD he was right.  LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT.  and quite frankly the third one is about ME. lol – he doesn’t know it and that’s ok.  It’s just a fun song and my favorite part is “She likes to laugh for no good reason, has shoes for every season. . . ”  So I told him I wanted backstage passes and electric and acoustic versions of all the songs.  He just laughed and said I was totally making his day.  It was fun, it was cool, and this too made my heart happy.

My note to self says “bear” but I don’t know what I need to report on that – so I’m gonna skip it.

I’m still wanting to record my songs.  Blue Universe is $60 an hour and Tom with Moon Productions said $45 an hour.  He was nice, I’ll probably just stick with him.

My brother Rik (the 12 1/2 year old) made his first Grandslam on Tuesday May 31, 2005.  He’s on the Athletics in Little League and has been hitting home runs almost EVERY game for the past two weeks, and the ONE time I wasn’t there the bases were loaded and he hit it out of the park.  I got a little upset that I missed it and he kind of made me feel bad about it.  Then when I said I know he was just trying to play around with me, but I was still feeling bad he just said I was acting.  So I said I was sorry I missed it again, then talked to his sister (that’s my favorite sister) and she was like “are you okay” and I just said no.  Told her I was gonna get off the phone and just to tell Riki that I was really upset that I wasn’t there, and he shouldn’t try to make me feel bad.  A couple days later when I saw him he was smiling and handed me a baseball.  It said “To: Yani  1st Grandslam May31, 2005 I love you” and he had his signature on it too.  I totally started to cry.  And he said he wanted me to have it so I could still be apart of that day.  He’s just such good little brother, and such a loving little boy.  How could I NOT cry.  I almost refused it, it was first EVER grandslam.  He LOVES playing baseball he wants to play for the Yankees one day (can we all hear kaza going crazy right now?) and he didn’t want to keep it for himself???  Just such and adorable little baby that boy is.  Such a sweet little man.

I’d like to thank Brighteyes for being such a good organizer and keeping me in the loop with Relay.  I know I committed to it, I’m still here – I just have dumb shifts at the green apron. Thank you to Amy for making posters and being my corner buddy during the first like 2 hours of the car wash on sunday.  It was cool to be dancing around out there, and not alone. lol.  Thanks Sergio for the hugs, you’re a good hugger!  I’d like to thank my favorite sister and her matt for coming out to skarieokie on saturday night.  I rarely get nervous or embarrased to sing, but it was a fun tingly feeling having new people hear me sing Defying Gravity – and to those that put up with me singing it too much, I thank you as well.  Kevin you rock as a glinda.  Thank you to Mr. Stevers for praying for me the other night on the phone when I needed it.  Thank you to the Angry Housewives for still hookin’ up every fortnight – you ladies are so much fun.  Thank you to Loke and Mandy again, my heart thanks you and so does my mind.  Sgt Jim, thanks for grub and hugs – it’s always great to see you , I miss you guys already!!!!!!  Chad thanks for saying it looks like I’ve lost weight – after 3 months I needed it.  Bear thanks for coming out to play and always kicking my ass.  Thank you to those who encourage me to keep working out.  I’ve NEVER been small, or well – tone and lean.  NEVER.  So it’s even MORE difficult for me to keep in mind my goal of what I want to look like.  Because it’s not getting back to something, it’s creating a whole new me.

Allright – i have yet to write about San Francisco with rebekah and adam from the band i brought home,  and…..”tea with who?” didn’t happen, but i’ll let you know what did – eventually.  And no, it’s nothing exciting.  Member I said rejuvinating my faith.  A part of that is letting go of some anger and resentment – and I contacted one of the three people I resent and hold anger too.  I contacted Brandt Michaels.

Post about the following topics:

Lokelani
Mandy
San Francisco,Rebekah, and Adam (from-the-band-I-brought-home)
Who is Stephen Riley Holbrook?
Bear
Recording Songs
Thank you’s accordingly
Who did I have tea with?….are you kidding me with that?

And I’m supposed to finish my december NY book before I go back in 2 weeks and to be perfectly honest with you, I don’t know if it will happen – so much for finishing my “homework”

Please don’t post your questions and please don’t answer my questions above they are not for YOU to answer, they are for me to write about here when I’m ready.  There MY stories and I need to put them out there, not you.

Did that sound mean?  I wasn’t trying to be mean – you can answer to this one. 

So, all you high tech TV, Cable, Satellite and DSL people – a request.

Mahroomah asked me to lookin to getting DSL for the new house, fine fabulous – and she needs to make sure we somehow get the Yankee Channel.  I’ve been online poking around a bit but I’m not entirely sure what I’m looking for – and kaza if you read this type it in here for me K?  Should I be looking into one company that will be able to provide both our cable television needs and high speed internet access needs.

thanks guys

Just a reminder the silly episode of Xtreme Fakeover I was on will airtonight at 8pm in PAX.  See your local listings for what channel PAX is, here at my dadda’s ins AG, CA it’s Channel 7.  Also mind the time difference – or you other people not on PST.

i feel like such a geek – you probably won’t even see me. lol